Saturday, April 18, 2015

Status: Who, what etc.

While I was writing the previous entry, I realized that a lot of things has changed since I started this blog. Therefore, I figured it was time to do another update on my status and what's going on in my life. All, or very nearly all, of this information can be found other places in this blog. I'm just gathering and updating it.

The name that I use on this blog is Sexy Blue. I'm a (cis-)woman, living in Oslo. I'm currently 29 years old. I started dating my now husband (called T) in 2005, which is ten years ago. No kids yet, nor any pets, but hopefully some day. I'm a state-employed councilor / case worker with a university degree. I speak four languages, and can understand bits and pieces of several other (related) languages.

I'm a nerd, and proud of it. I see learning as something that has value in itself, and not something that must always be done with some purpose in mind. I spend a lot of time on my computer and my PS3. I play games, both video games, board games, tabletop roleplaying games, among other things. I love to read, particularly fantasy and science fiction.

I strongly feel that religion is something you do and not something you believe. Most days I'm an agnostic, and I'm a practicing heathen. I care deeply about tolerance, equal rights and the importance of sex education. Even the most right-wing of Norway's political, parties are still to the left of the American left. And since I support the left side (though not the extreme left) of Norwegian politics, I'm politically somewhere far off-field in American terms.

I'm kinky, and BDSM is my kink of choice. For many years I identified as a switch, and although there's still a switch in me somewhere, I'm 95% dominant now. I'm also a top, which I wrote about earlier today. I've been more or less part of the Norwegian BDSM scene since I turned 18, which is over 11 years ago now. I love bondage, sensory deprivation, tease&denial, and I enjoy chastity play. I'm also a sadist. Giving pain is fun and it turns me on, but consent and communication are must-haves when I play.

I have a lover, boyfriend, sub and friend whom I call Saint. He is mine, and I love him. I split my week, spending some nights at his place and some nights at home with T. T has a girlfriend, lover, sub and friend, whom I've nicknamed Beauty (because she is beautiful, though she's also clever, funny, brave and kind). She lives in another part of the country, but they still try to see each other once a month or so. She's a great person, and the two of us get along splendidly. I even wore a necklace she gave me at a formal dinner with my relatives (who know nothing of any of this). It amused T and I to no end. 

We're a big, happy, somewhat unusual family. Every day we struggle against what society tells us is the right way to do things, and we all agree that this way of life might not last forever. But what does? This is working for us now, and it has been for over a year. As long as all parties involved are happy, I see no harm in it.

Internet and blogs: Caring about complete strangers

It's interesting how people come from different places, meet up somehow (physially or otherwise), their paths intertwine for a while and they affect each others' lives, and then move apart again. The world is indeed smaller than we think, and internet has made it smaller.

For example, I follow a large number of blogs almost daily. Some blogs are written by near friends of mine, some by best-selling authors, or by fans. And some by kinky people. I don't comment much, because 99% of my reading is done on my phone, but I read a lot.

The three kinky blogs, and therefore bloggers, that I care for the most are Ferrett, Ferns and Thumper (and though Thumper I've also started to really care about Drew). As it turns out, some of my favorite people know of each other. For example, Drew (Thumper's lover) recently met Ferns. Which is awesome.

I've followed those first three for several years, and they've had direct influence on my life. I've actually messaged with Ferrett, as has my husband, and I've put his new book Flex on my wish list. When Ferret's goddaughter died, I cried my eyes out. I felt raw, numb with grief, for this child that I've never met and whom I have no relation with. Ferrett is also a highly intelligent man with many interesting opinions, about anything from sex to politics, and I love to read his posts and use them as food for thought.

Ferns is a dominant woman, like me, and her blog has been a source of inspiration for many a kinky, sadistic, steaming hot play session. When she published her book I bought it, and I'm currently re-reading it in little nibbles every night. It keeps giving me ideas for things to do, or reminds me of things I've done or felt, and so makes it hard to sleep. But it's worth it.

Though I care deeply for both Ferrett and Ferns, Thumper has a very special place in my heart. I've read his blog the longest, and it's the only blog that I've read the entire archive of (which wasn't that large when I started). I feel like I've known him longer than many of my real life friends (and yes I know that the blog persona is not the real person).

I started experimenting with chastity on my subs because of Thumpers blog, but not only that. His journey into some version of an open relationship, in many ways mirror my own. And although T is a lot more involved in the kink community than Thumper's Belle, I still see some similarities comparing them. (Please excuse inaccuracies of expression, spelling mistakes and grammar mishaps. English is not my first language. For example, I don't mean to imply that Belle in any way belongs to Thumper, I just couldn't think of another way to put it.)

I started this blog entry because I'd just posted a comment (for something like the second time ever) on Thumper's blog, where I said that I care about his well being. And then I realized, that is kind of weird. He has no idea who I am, I've never met him and probably never will (though Thumper, if you or Drew are ever in Norway, please get in touch). And yet I care. Just liked I worried for Ferrett when he got his heart attack, and smiled when he forced himself to eat bad blueberries. I wondered how the kissing date Ferns had planned would go. I felt happy for Thumper when his first meeting with Drew went so well, and furious alongside Drew when he got some homophobic comments. When you follow somebody's writing for long enough, you start to care.

And that's nice.

I just wanted you four to know that you have a fan, and a friend (should you want one) here in Oslo. I still won't comment much. But I read on, and I think of you (in a not crazy, not stalking kind of way!). :)

The mechanisms of desire: Top / bottom

Since T and I got a more functioning sex life again (we have sex almost every week now), I've started thinking more about the basic mechanisms of sex, desire and the practical who-does-what during a sexual act. 

I've realised that whilst I can easily be a dom, and can in some settings and with some people handle being a sub (though less and less these last few years), I prefer to always be the top. Sure, it's nice to just lay back and have things done to me.... That's a nice fantasy, a pleasant idea, but in reality I don't work like that. I prefer to mainly be the active party (here defined as top, as opposed to the passive, recieving party, here defined as bottom). 

I think the reason for this is that I'm wired to put the others' pleasure and desire ahead of my own. Wether I'm a sub, a dom or just having plain vanilla sex, I get turned on by making the other person (or persons) turned on. This means that if the other person isn't turned on in the first place, but is striving to make me turned on, I have a big problem. I don't respond well, I don't get horney, because the other person isn't, and I am not "permitted" to make them.

When I'm engaged sexually with a bottom, preferably a sub (though that is by no means required), this works out really well. I can be the active party, I can make the other person really horney, and sensing their reactions I get turned on as well. That gets the ball rolling for me. 

However, when I encounter another top, who is wired the way I am, I'm stumped. We both move around one another, feeling eachother out, and not "getting" the other person. I can still get turned on, eventually, but it takes a lot more work and a lot more time. And it very rarely gets as steaming hot as a sexual encounter with a bottom. 

I'm sure there are top/bottom-switches, much like there are sub/dom-switches, who are happy on both sides. But I'm not. I'm a top. And when I try to analyze previous sexual encounters I've had using this framework, it makes a lot of sense. For example, War is a vanilla man who endured my "toppy" behavior in bed, but I always got the sense that he would have prefered to be the more active party. Tight I believe would be happy in either possition, whilst Saint is obviously a bottom.

I believe this also is the main reason why my sexlife with T has gone so much up and down. We are too similar, in the sense that we're both tops. Much like with War, we both want the other person to enjoy him/herself, which is a very nice sentiment but is actually getting in the way of eachothers' desire.

Human sexuality is weird. Interesting, fun and hot, but very weird.