Thursday, September 24, 2015

The good sides and the bad

I'm difficult to live with sometimes. Most of the time, I'm a fairly stable person. I can be argumentative and stubborn and emotional, but usually these three don't happen at once. Sometimes, though, they do. Like today, when I take a tiny problem and blow it way out of proportion. I don't know why that happened, though I suspect it has to do with a combination of low blood sugar and being tired because of a cold.

Usually, these bouts of unstableness don't last. I also tend to have the presence of mind to appologize afterwards, which I hope makes it a bit more bearable. As T was away, Saint had to bear the brunt of my temper today. And he did well. He yielded just enough to not fuel the flames, but not so much as to seem dishonest or moching.

Once my temper had calmed down, and I'd eaten and relaxed for a bit, I made it up to him: I tied him up, teased him, sat on his face and made him come. I even used the Fairy (a very strong vibrator) on him. It was great fun for us both, and it was an important moment of bonding, and of reaffirming our feelings for each other and our power dynamic. We've both been sick and tired lately, there hasn't been much energy left to play. Hopefully, that will change.

Saturday, there will be a party at our local BDSM club. I'm really looking forward to it, and hope I get to play some more with Saint. I'm also looking forward to dressing up and making an effort to look nice. I love the attention and the compliments that brings from Saint.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Ramblings on perfect matches

This post was inspired by something Drew wrote in his blog Drew Duality. He talked about how you realise that you can't be everything for someone, and it bothered him for a bit.

I'm not everything that T needs. I'm not everything Saint needs either. I don't think anyone can be everything for someone else. Sure, it might feel like you can, in the beginning of a relationship, when everything is new and the high of being in love glosses over all the differences. But once that high fades, you begin to show who you really are, and you realise: No one is a perfect match. No one is both someone's identical clone, and different enough to stay interesting. No one is actually a mind reader (and even if they were, that would just be creepy).

For a relationship to work, you have to be honest and open in your communications. You need to express your needs, listen and try to accomodate the other person's need, and find working compromises and solutions that work for both. In many monogamous relationships, that means that some needs won't be met. You might try, for a while, but everything doesn't always works out the way you want them to. The result is then either that you suppress your need, that you change and just get over it, or that you end up leaving your partner.

I believe polyamorous relationships have a better solution to this problem. Now, polyamory doesn't work for everyone. And you still have to work on your relationship(s), at least as much as in a monogamous relationship (if not more). But when your current partner can't fulfill your need, and it's important enough for you that you can't just change and get over it, you don't have to remain miserable or break up the relationship. There's a fourth option: Get someone else to fill that need for you.

Now, can two people be someone's all? Can three? Four? I don't think anyone, regardless of the number of people involved, can get all their needs met for all time. I don't think they should! That just doesn't sound healthy to me. Also, people change. If you had, say two partners, that was 100% of what you needed now, in a year they might be 95%. Or 105%. People change, and that's how it should be. The trick is to love them, and keep finding new ways and new reasons for loving them regardless.

Where am I going with this? I have absolutely no idea! Haha! These are just musings and ramblings on the idea of being someone's "everything". Which I conclude is impossible. And that's fine. People are as much as they can be, and we love them for it. Happiness isn't in perfection, I think. Happiness is in the small, the weird, the wibbly wobbly, timey wimey stuff. :)

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Light and fun play with others

In the months before I met Saint, I played with a lot of different guys. I used to frequent my local BDSM club, and play with anyone and everyone I could get my hands on. Sometimes we had a great match, something it didn´t work out. It completely lacked the depth of a long-term relationship, but it was flirtatious and fun. I also got to help out a lot of new guys and introduce them to the world of kink and BDSM, give them a small taste of what BDSM could be. And information work and helping new people is a true passion of mine. 

After I started playing with Saint, two things happened in tandem: I got busy with other parts of my life, and didn´t go to the BDSM club as often. At the same time, Saint wasn´t comfortable with me playing with others. He felt uncertain, and was afraid he´d loose me to some other guy. After all, such random play was how the two of us met in the first place. One one hand this felt like a bit of a loss to me, because I truly enjoy such light play with others. Not in stead of the serious, in-depth play I have with Saint, but in addition to it. On the other hand, it didn´t really bother me much. I was fairly busy anyway, so I didn´t have much time for such encounters. And the play and relationship I developped with Saint more than made up for any such feelings of loss. 

Note that he´s never really denied me anything. That wouldn´t be like him. But he was honest about his feelings on the subject, and I´m very grateful for that. I take heed and try to make him as comfortable and confident as I can. If that means giving up a minor and not-vital part of my life then I will happily do so. I love him, it´s easily worth it.

As long as we didn´t go to the BDSM club much, I didn´t notice this restriction. However, after having played with eachother for over 1,5 years, we decided to start going there more regularly again. We missed the people and the atmosphere. Getting back there, the restrictions on me playing with others was more keenly felt. Now, I´ve raised this issue regularly over the past couple of years, but the conclusion was always the same and no changes were made. However, this fall Saint surprised us both:

I had a nice conversation with a new guy. The kind of guy I´d typically play with, a couple of years ago. Saint approached me later that night and said he thought I should play with this new guy. He´d been really surprised at his own thoughts, but having concidered it some more he´d realised that it didn´t really bother him anymore. I pressed, really quizzed him on the subject, but he seemed genuinely ok with the idea. So I made arrangements for a potential play date with this new guy the following week. During that week, Saint and I talked about it some more. And he was still ok with it.

The day arrived, and I had my play session with this new guy. It wasn´t a great session, but it was light and fun. It felt good being "back in the saddle", so to speak. Though I worried  a lot about what Saint would think. But we talked it over later, and he was still ok with it. It´s now been almost a month, and I´m heading back to the BDSM club on Tuesday. Saint won´t be able to go, because of previous comittements, so I´m headed there on my own. And again, Saint has given the "ok" for me to find someone else to play with.

I still worry. I still don´t want to hurt him, or make him feel uncertain. I love him, and will always prioritize him higher than some random play date. Which means that if he starts feeling uncomfortable with this again, I will scale it back. His feelings matter to me. Hopefully, this is a sign that he´s grown more confident in himself and in our relationship. I hope it is. And I hope we will grow stronger from it. 

My Saint, my love

I´ve been playing with Saint for about one year and ten months now. We´ve evolved way past just play partners though. We are lovers, boyfriend/girlfriend and part-time room mates. I spend a few nights at his place every week, and the rest of the time I´m home with T.

It feels like we just started playing. I remember the eager, shy, passionate, uncertain boy that I got to know almost two years ago. Full of preconcieved ideas of what BDSM was and what he would and wouldn´t enjoy. He´s grown into a confident, happy, strong, eager and passionate man. I won´t go so far as to take the credit for all that developement, but I hope to have been a cathalyst and a good support on the way. And I´ve certainly helped bnroaden his horizons and tought him to enjoy a larger variety of experiences and sensations. 

When Saint submits, he does so with his whole heart. He expresses pleasure, pain and all the inbetweens with such a ferocity that it sometimes startles me. But I always enjoy it tremendously. I always know if something is off (though I might not always know what it is). I love how we can combine the mundane life of grocery shopping, computer gaming and museum visits, with the kinky, sexy stuff. Ofcourse things aren´t perfect, but I´m thoroughly enjoying my life with him. I´m proud of him, and I´m proud and very happy to be his dom, girlfriend and lover. And I love him.