Thursday, June 30, 2016

Giant summary

I was looking through my large number of blog posts from these past few months. And I decided: I'm doing a summary of my experiences with Giant. For myself, and for posterity.

It began here, on the 14th of April. The rest of April was a flurry of play and activity and exploration. Lots of NRE.  Lots of play. If anyone wants to read just the sexy bits, April 2016 is the right place to go.
In the middle of May we had our first fight, and I started to get an idea of how vast our communication issues might be. But we still had some play, though I also struggled with my depression a bit.
Around the 10th-11th of June, he told me that he'd lied to me, and that he lies to everyone else as well. He promised me time to get over it, time for him to earn back my trust.
The 16th of June, he told me that he loved me. The next ten days was taken up by stress, work, and fights. Mostly.
On the 25th of June, he started flirting with the new girl (or really, she started flirting with him). I found it hard, but gave them all the support I could.
And today, on the 30th of June, our relationship is over.

Slight de-railing here:
He's turning to her now, giving her 100%. I don't envy her the pressure, or the expectations. To be the cause for someone else's break-up, must feel really painful... But what if the two of them don't work out? What if their relationship to ends too, when so much has been sacrificed and so much pain has been caused to start it.. I would feel terrible, if I was somehow part of that! I don't envy her this position at all.

Though... Maybe these serial monogamists handle it better than I would...? They seem to do those sorts of things all the time: Overlapping, dumping people they care about to be with someone else, cheating, killing their emotions to stay with the relationship they have, lying... It all seems so complicated. So difficult. (Much like what monogamous people say when I explain about polyamory. Haha.) What do I know of the ways of monogamy, anyway? I feel like I outgrew all that drama years ago. I feel like I'm 19 years old again. My ex just dumped me to be with a new girl, whom I'd permitted him to date in the first place. (Oh wait, that actually happened. When I was 19 years old.)

Getting back on track: It's been two and a half intense, exciting, demanding, difficult, joyful months. I'll never look at water melon in quite the same way again. I've (at least partially) overcome my aversion to having my ass played with. I've learned some new bondage techniques, and gotten interested in suspension again. I've bought more rope. I've learned that it IS possible to juggle three men. It just takes a lot of dedication, from all parties involved. But it is possible.

I'm grateful for what we've had. I'm also grateful that he came clean and told me that he wanted to end it, rather than to let me figure out that something was wrong on my own. He didn't do it until he had someone better to turn to, which I'm still kind of bitter about. But at least he was honest. And he doesn't want us to end on bad terms. That's something.

Hopefully, this will not be the last entry tagget "Giant". Hopefully, something else can rise from the ashes. We'll just have to wait and see. He's holding all the cards, so it's up to him. I'm willing.

And then there were two

I still have T and Saint. Thankfully.

They really don't deserve to pick up the pieces of me that Giant has left behind. They don't deserve having to hold me while I cry over another man. They don't deserve that I'm sad and moody and untrusting and scared. They deserve better than me. But that's how it is.

I feel sorry for them. Sorry that I can't be a better wife and girlfriend right now. Sorry that they're stuck with such a mess of a woman. I can only hope that they understand, and that they'll be able to handle it. I love them so much, the last thing I want to do is hurt them. Or be a burden on them.

I'm also thinking about Giant. I don't want to be a burden to him either. I still love him, and probably will continue to love him for a long time. His happiness is my priority. If he's right, that he can never be truly happy with me, I wish him all the best. I hope he finds happiness without me, if that's what it takes. I want him to at least have the chance.

So yes, I'm sad. And I'm angry. And I feel betrayed. But over and under and through it all is love. Like a strong, golden thread, weaving its way in between every thought, every emotion.

He once told me, he's willing to do almost everything for those he loves. Apparently, he's not willing to do (or even try) near enough. But that's ok. I know he's trying his best. I accept that he doesn't want to hurt me, despite all that he's done.

But I still love him. And as opposed to him, I'm willing to do a lot for those I love. If that means loving him enough to let him go, then that's what I have to do. No matter how much it hurts me. Because my well-being is not my first priority. His happiness is.

I hope that we're able to save some sort of BDSM dynamic out of all of this. I'm not sure how well I'll be able to handle a "strictly BDSM"-dynamic, but I'm willing to try. I think it would be good for him, because it would give him an area to continue to explore his kinks. An outlet for his desires, without any strings. And good for us. Because it would ensure a working relationship, in stead of awkward glances and weirdness. We would build something worthwhile from the ruins of this relationship. And we've always been good with the physical, sexual bits. It's when we start talking to eachother that we start to fuck things up.

As for having a BDSM-relationship with him.. I'm not 100% certain it would be good for me. But I'm willing to try. (Also, he's gorgeous. If I get a chance to handle that body again, in any way or form, I will. No matter the potential emotional consequences.) A working BDSM-relationship, with limitations on vanilla-style cuddling and kissing, could perhaps work for everyone involved. Maybe.

I can only hope, and be willing to try. Hopefully, he's willing to try as well. Right now, everything is raw. New. Broken. I don't know what will work out or what won't work out. I wish him all the best. In whatever form that takes.

In the end, I still have T and Saint. It's not all that I want, but at least I'm not alone. At least somebody still loves me. Even though they both deserve better than me. At least I can TRY to trust that I'm still good enough for someone. Even though I wasn't enough for Giant.

An ending

This will be shorter than it should have been. Because my arm really hurts (something with the tendons, I think. shouldn't be using the computer much at all, really).

Basically: Giant dumped me today.

He did it very properly. Like everything he does. Well prepared. Face-to-face. Compassionate. Reasonable. And yet stubborn. Proud. Unyielding. Uncommunicating. Unforgiving. Hard.

I could see that it pained him. I could tell that he didn't want to hurt me. That he cared for me, and wanted me to be happy... But at the same time, he didn't want me to be with him.
How he'd ever expect me to be happy, and yet be abandoned, I don't know.

His reason? He claims that he can only ever love one person at once... Or rather: Only ever have one relationship at once. So he's throwing everything we have away, because of a crush on a girl he started flirting with this weekend. A girl 11 years his junior, who lives on the other side of the country.

I was willing to share him. She was willing to share him. And yet, he's refusing even to try.

I call it the coward's way out. The easy way. To not even try. Not give us a chance. Maybe it wouldn't have worked out, but now we'll never know. Because he'd already decided, before we started talking.
No middle ground, no compromise, no attempt at negotiation. Done.

He claims to have thought about this for about three-four weeks. But it didn't seem so urgent then, because he hadn't met anyone else to attempt to have a relationship with (I was good to keep around in the meantime, it seems). Also, there wasn't any good time to speak about it, because of all the volunteer work we've both have been involved in.

I feel angry. It feels like such a waste. We had three really good weeks, while I was struggling to draw him out of his shell (out of a depression). Helping him get over his ex. But the lies kind of ruined those weeks for me, in hindsight. Then we started again, building trust and love. He told me that he loved me in the middle of June. (He claims that he still does, but apparently that's not enough to even try to make this work.) And then the next three-four weeks were spent working on our volunteer project. Seeing each other a lot, but having NO time for "us".

It seemed like we'd finally have some time for the two of us now. I was so looking forward to that. To continue building on the base that we'd made. I believed our hardships and struggles made us stronger.

Then she came. And then he was gone.
And I'm left with a broken heart.

Monday, June 27, 2016

The tricky bits

I still stand by my choice of last night.

But the most difficult part is this... Right now. Because I've told him that ALL I need and ALL I want is cuddles. And I've barely gotten a hug so far.

But he cuddles her. Right now. Sitting on the floor, leaning up against her, looking all lovey dovey.

I don't want to take that from him. But I wish he'd invite me to join them. He's got two arms. Two shoulders. Or, if he's afraid that she'd feel awkward about that, that he'd compensate in some other way. Reaching out to me, taking the initiative to hug me, kiss me. We haven't kissed properly since Friday night.

So she's not a problem. I stand by my choice, and I applaud them. I feel lots of compersion in this situation. But I also feel rejected. I feel ignored, as if I'm not a priority. That feels like a problem, to me.

He's tired, and stressed, and overworked, and not slept enough. I KNOW that he's not thinking straight. He'd not trying to hurt me. But in a way, that's even worse. Because it's the instinctive reaction. And his instinctive reaction is not to include or prioritize me.

He's tired, and tressed, and overworked, and not slept enough. If that meant that he didn't have energy for anyone or anything, that would also be ok. I wouldn't mind that. But that's not how it is.

She's only around for a couple of more days. I should just bow out and let them go at it.

It's just difficult.

Sunday, June 26, 2016

Emotional daisy chain

This is written at 2am on Sunday morning. I've worked all day at a convention, and will be working almost all of tomorrow as well. I'm tired and feeling down. That's the caveat.

Saint was supposed to be here at the convention with me, but has had a minor psychological break down. So he's at home, recuperating. I wish I could be there with him, to take care of him, but I can't.

T is here as well, but we're involved with wildly different things this weekend. We almost won't see each other at all. What little we will see of eachother will be convention work. No personal time.

Giant is here, and I was looking forward to spending time with him. We had some quick fun in the shower yesterday, though I knew we wouldn't have the energy for something similar today. I was looking forward to cuddling up with him at the end of a long day, and sleeping close to him.

No. Let me be honest: I was looking forward to cuddling up with SOMEONE. I originally wanted that to be Saint, that was the plan. But with him back home, Giant was a good enough stand-in. You see, I'm tired, mentally and physically. I want cuddles and hugs and support and kisses and kind smiles and warm hands. Whose doesn't matter as much right now. These are my needs. Impersonal.

I read recently about the emotional daisy chain of polyamorous relationships: How emotional labour can move from one to another, settling on whoever is able or willing to carry the burden. So when Beauty's new boyfriend is struggling with accepting her polyamory, Beauty gets stressed out. This is carried over to T, who supports her emotionally. T gets tired and stressed out, and so some of this (not all, as T shields me fairly well) is carried over to me.

Saint is struggling mentally, and this puts a strain on our relationship. He's also struggling with my relationship with Giant, which creates additional strain. I willingly support him. I love him.

Giant also sometimes struggles, though currently not as much as the other two. But with all the lies and trust issues, there's plenty of strain there as well. (Though it's getting better.)

I don't feel I can lean much on T. He's struggling to support Beauty and make his own life (his health and his professional life) work as best he can. He always seems stressed out, tired or worried about something. I love him, and can't be an additional burden. I choose this, based on the needs he seems to have. I'm also willingly creating some distance, as I can't take much more strain now. And I know that if I'd let him lean more on me, he would.

So supporting me has mostly been up to Saint. Recently, Giant has taken on some of that emotional labor as well.
But with Saint out of the picture this weekend, Giant is the only emotional support I truly have. And right now.... When I crave cuddles and crave being held and crave being comforted... He's not available either.

Because he's currently hooking up with another girl.

What else could I do, than to tell him it was ok? I have no claim on him. (Certainly no right to demand his fidelity. Haha. We even discussed this very scenario a few weeks back.) And even though I think of him as a boyfriend of sorts, I have no right no claim his support in this situation. No matter how much I could use the cuddles right now. My emotional needs, this emotional labor, isn't mainly caused by him. It's caused by everyone else around me (some of it even twice removed). So I have absolutely no right to ask him to carry that burden. It's not his job.

And by choosing to give him the "go ahead", the daisy chain of emotional labor stops with me. I'm left to carry it all, alone for now. Because I feel like that's the only thing I CAN do. Because I love these people, and want what's best for THEM.

I choose this. I'm crying now, but this is MY choice. I write to sort through my thoughts, to clear my head. This is not a guilt trip. I don't want anyone to feel bad about this. I chose it.

Addendum, 06.20am
Giant just got back inside and went to bed. I woke up and can't sleep again. But I must sleep, and so I try to write this out of my head to give me peace:

Ofcours I'm afraid of loosing him. Of course I'm insecure and worried. I love him, and I want everything we have to continue on. I'm afraid of change.

But I will NOT let my emotional state, or my desires, stand in the way of his joy. Just like I wrote earlier this morning: I will not hold him back, and demand that he deals with emotional strain not mainly caused by him. It's not his responsibility. I won't let that stand in his way.

If I lose him, then that's what happens. There are never any guarantees in love, or in life, and denying him joy will certainly not ensure that he'll stay mine. Giving him opportunities for joy, might on the other hand help me keep him. Or it might not. Like I said, never any guarantees. But it'll give him joy. And since I love him, I want him to have as much joy as possible.

So I lie here. Worried. Afraid. Not sleeping. Thinking that this might change everything (or it might not). And despite my fear, I feel confident in my choice of telling him to "go for it". It's what's best for him. And in this case, that's all that matters.

Addendum 07.08am.
Still can't sleep. Though that's at least 60% caused by thoughts of the convention work. Which is good, in a weird way. 
Sleep doesn't seem to be happening. I'm getting out of bed.

Monday, June 20, 2016

The good things

I know there's been quite a few depressive, sad or confused entries lately. And I just want to point out that this isn't all that's going on in my life. There are a lot of good things too. I use this blog to vent. To clear my mind, when all I feel is chaos and confusion. Writing helps me find ways to handle it all.

I especially want to talk about Giant, because lately a lot of the negative entries have been about him. And I don't want to forget all the good things.

In that volunteer project we're both involved with, I feel that we work better together now than we ever have. This is how we were supposed to have worked together last year, I just wasn't able to include him back then. I felt like I had to do it all myself. When it comes to this work, our communication is mostly good, we cooperate well and we enjoy sharing this with each other. Yes, our communications broke down yesterday. But mostly, it's good.

As a couple, I also feel that we've come a long, long way in a couple of weeks. Learning the truth about his insecurities and lies, and hearing him say that he loves me, has brought us closer together than we've ever been before. The potential for trust is also much greater, now that I don't feel as intimidated by him anymore.

Sure, there are issues. As you've read in previous entries, we keep misunderstanding each other. Whether we misunderstand the body language, the words used, the intent behind them, or the reasons for saying them... It just keeps happening. We have a lot of work ahead of us, to figure these things out.

But despite the strain, despite the stress, despite the tears, it's still worth it. And there are many, many moments that prove to me that he, we, are worth the work. For example last Friday night, when we were standing in the dark watching an outdoor concert. He had his arms around me, I held his hand, we looked at each other smiling. Eyes shining. A lovely scene, great music, and a wonderful experience to share with him. I felt such love and happiness in that moment.

Sexually, things are easier. There are almost no communications issues there. Just our two bodies, intertwined. My hand on his throat, as he gasps and closes his eyes, leaning back. My mouth on his dick, as he moans and wriggles underneath me. Ropes against his beautiful body. Smiles, giggles, connection. Without that many words. "Yes, Ma'am" are words neither of us can misunderstand.

True, there hasn't been much D/s. I'm still not dominant, and don't know when or how I'll get that back. Also, all this stress lately has seriously affected my sex drive. So I'm not as interested in being on top of him as I used to be. However, these are details. I know my sex drive will return eventually, and bring my dominant side with it. For now, a bit of vanilla now and then is good enough. Sexually, we work. We click.

I also learn new things from playing with him. For example, I've never before liked having my ass played with. I tried it a fair bit in my late teens, around the time I tried everything else, and wasn't a huge fan. I've tried fingering a time or two later as well (about 10 years ago, but still), and still not a fan. Not hating it either, just profoundly uninterested. Like... "Why are you back there? The good hole is further forward." But Giant has skills I've never encountered before. He's made me crave his finger(s) in my ass. Sure, I prefer it combined with a couple of fingers in my pussy... But still. Who would have thought that I, after 15 years of sexual activities, could find a whole new area on my body to enjoy?

So this is to say: There are good things. Lots of them. I don't want anyone to despair for me, or think that my life is all misery and woe. It isn't. It's mostly good. I just use the blog to vent.

Fragile pride

Caveat: Most of the post was written immediately following a fight with Giant. Then I saved it, and did some heavy editing on it a few hours later. However, it's still the same day, and I'm emotionally worn out. It's now past midnight, and I'm dead tired, stressed out, worried and sad. And depressed, let's not forget the clinical condition that's fucking up my mind and my emotions. 

I post this now, despite all of this, because I want the written testimony to how I'm feeling. I want to be able to look back and examine my own mind. If I wake up tomorrow, feeling or thinking something completely different, I will write about that too. But I want the blog to show me, fairly uncensored. If that means I show you the fluctuating madhouse that is mind mind these days, then so be it. It's who I am.

I make mistakes, and I'm quick to apologize. I don't have much confidence in general, but especially not these days. Sure, I'm good at some things, confident with some things. But even in the fields where I'm the most confident, like at my workplace.. If I make a mistake or hurt someone or misstep, I'm quick to accept the blame for it. I strive to correct my errors whenever possible. Sure, I can take the lead. I quite enjoy being in that position (both sexually and professionally). But I'm quick to let people know that I don't know everything.

However, I will not take the blame when somebody else has made a mistake. I'm quick to point out unfairness, if someone tries to shift blame onto me for things I didn't do. I won't accept being given unfair criticism or blame, if I have a choice. I won't let my own happiness be compromised, so someone else can feel less guilty. (Well... I try not to let that happen, anyway.)

Giant is very different from me when it comes to admitting mistakes. On the inside, I think he's just as insecure as the rest of us. But his walls are higher, his shell is harder. I don't think this makes him stronger than me (or Saint, or T), even though he might seem that way at first. It just makes him more brittle. Like a porcelain vase, so beautiful, so strong, so polished, and yet so fragile. I think he's aware of how brittle those walls of his are, yet he fears to live without them. And so he protects those walls with all possible force. And that comes off as pride.

So on the outside, Giant strives to emit this aura of perfection. He portrays himself as someone who knows it all, who doesn't need any help or advice, and who doesn't make mistakes. A glossy facade. (This isn't the case when we play, of course. Then he's got a lot less walls. But I'm talking about daily life here, not play sessions.)

In our regular day-to-day life, he has a very hard time admitting mistakes. He's often too proud. Too proud to admit that he might not know all the things, might make mistakes, might not make all the right calls. Oh, he admits to the theory of it! But not when he's in the middle of a discussion. And yes, he has apologized to me before, but it's usually a long time coming. So far, it typically happens after I've apologized first. Usually after a long, painful argument.

Giant's one of the leaders of this volunteer project that we're both heavily involved with. (In fact T and Saint are also volunteers for the same project.) And he's a good leader, and a good volunteer. Usually. Today, Giant (whilst trying to help) made a mistake when working on that project. It was a fixable mistake, so nothing major went wrong. It's just caused Saint and me (or him, if he does it himself) quite a bit of extra work, at a time when we're all stressed and over-worked already.

The conversation about that mistake could have gone like this:
Me: "You did X! You shouldn't have done X, it's made all sorts of problems for us."
Giant: "What?!? I thought I was helping! I'm sorry, I didn't know this would happen."

It didn't go like that.
I was really worried on the onset of this, because Saint is already so strained. I tried to protect him from having to do even more. So I quickly and forcefully pointed out the mistake. (Granted, I could have been nicer about it.) It blew up into this huge argument. I'm beginning to recognize the patterns now: When Giant has made mistakes or feels insecure, he tends to go "this argument is pointless" and try to derail or evade the argument. Alternatively, he shifts blame onto someone or something else (in this case: me). Usually, he will vary between these two strategies.

True to form, Giant (being tired and stressed out himself) immediately started blaming me. Then he went over to saying we shouldn't even be discussing this. Then blaming me again. And then finally playing the "boss card" (I'm in charge, we won't discuss this anymore!). It was a complete communications' break down.

Our fight today made me seriously consider quitting the project, both as a volunteer and as a participant. I volunteer because I enjoy the work. Being treated like I was today is not enjoyable. Regardless of our personal relationship.

And it's not the first argument we've had lately. A lot of our communication, especially when one or both are tired or stressed, feels strained. We both hate the fighting, but it keeps happening anyway.

Why do they happen? First, it was his lies that hurt us. I'm sure that's part of the strain, even though it's not as much in the front of my mind anymore. (The healing has slowly begun.) Secondly, this is a trying time. We have a lot on our plates. We're stressed. We don't get enough sleep. But Third... It feels to me like his fragility/pride is getting in the way. Why can't he just admit to a mistake, without us having a huge row first? And what can I do to help with that?

Today, I had to make a not-so-veiled (and very serious) threat to abandon the project. But he did eventually apologize, without me having to apologize first. So I'll stay on. And I should be happy, but this doesn't taste of victory. It tastes of defeat. It was just another pointless argument, all based on our communications breaking down. Again.

I just don't know how to handle it, don't know what to say or do to avoid these heart wrenching arguments. (And these are my failings, my errors, which I willingly admit to.) I should know what to say, I should be able to figure him out! I've just never been with anyone too proud to admit to mistakes before. Not like that. I don't know how to handle it. Especially when he's so fragile underneath it all. I don't wish to cause him harm!

I love him. Hopefully, we'll find a way to handle this... When we're less stressed, less over-worked. (And in my case: Less sick.) We just need to hold on until then. Not let go, not give up. And keep working on this together.

I love him. He's worth it.
It's just hard, sometimes.

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Unable to properly dominate - the 2016 edition

I wrote earlier this month that I had a really low sex drive. My need to intimacy, sexual stuff and orgasms is... if not back, exactly, then at least stronger now than three weeks ago. I enjoy cuddles and fondles, and I love sucking dick. This hasn't changed. But that's all vanilla.

What I've realised is that this last month, and in truth the last several months, I've been in a D/s funk. I've felt low on the creativity, energy and confidence needed to dominate properly. I had a few weeks reprieve from that when I started playing with Giant, but I realise now that I was mostly working on rote. Yes, I was dominant towards him, but he was so new to everything I didn't need to be creative. I could just follow a previously established mental checklist of things I think new subs should try out. Once that checklist was done, I was back in the same funk. So while we've had some sexual contact these last few weeks, it's mostly been vanilla.

Or.. Well... I fucked his ass on Tuesday (it was his birthday). Not exactly vanilla, I admit. But not dominant either. I was just topping. There's a difference, to me, whether I'm just doing the things physically (topping) or if I'm also trying to control someone's mind (domination).

I assume this is a phase, and that I'll get over it. After all, it's happened before: As very faithful readers might recall, the last time I wrote about feeling like I couldn't dominate anymore was in august 2013. Now I THOUGHT at the time that this came from not having my own sub to play with. That I didn't have that special connection with anyone. Now on the other hand, I have Saint (and to a degree also Giant). However, the feelings are really similar. Here's some of what I wrote back then:

"Like I wasn't the one really in control, like I wasn't dominant enough. Or wasn't good enough at being dominant, is perhaps a better description."
This fits my feelings now to a tee. I go through the motions, and I can do a pretty convincing act, but it still feels like an act. I don't buy into my own dominance.

Last time, it passed around december 2013, when I started playing with Saint. And I thought he was the reason. And sure, he might have been part of it, but a new partner (Giant) did not "fix" me this time. So I don't think who I'm playing with really has that much to say.

So if it's not who I'm with, what else is similar between the summer of 2013 and the spring of 2016? Depression. In the summer of 2013, I'd been on partial sick leave from work since November 2012. From August 2013, I was unemployed, but I was still struggling with depression. I was better, sure, lots better than 6 months earlier, but not well. I didn't really get well until around January 2014.

This round, I've been on partial sick leave since January 2016. I'm not unemployed now, luckily, and I have a job that I enjoy. I also feel better prepared this time around, more aware of what's happening, and so my bout of depression has lasted a bit shorter than in 2012/2013. I've also gotten more help, both in the professional sense and help in the form of support from friends and co-workers. So I haven't been as sick this time around, and I've been able to get back on my feet a lot quicker.

That faster rate of healing had me fooled. I started thinking that I was healthy now. And I guess I'm not. I'm 80% there, but those last 20% are really taking their time. I'm so impatient to be back to 100%. I just want to be well again. For myself, but also for T, and Saint, and Giant. I feel like I'm not good enough for either of them.

There are still both cognitive and emotional issues, that obviously stem from the depression. They're just more sneaky now. I think I act, and think, and feel like normal. I don't lay around on the couch doing nothing for 15 hours every day. I don't end up crying for hours on end, without any apparent trigger or reason for it. But I don't function as normal either. I'm more self-critical. Self-hating. I have troubles concentrating. And my emotions are less predictable.

And so I hurt the people I love. I want to tell them: I'm sick. Please don't blame me, I don't mean to do this to you! I'm sick! But I can't even tell the difference, sometimes, so how should they? There's no visible cues, no sticker on my forehead warning people that I'm still nuts. And so I hurt them. And I hate myself even more. And around, and around, and around we go.

No wonder I don't have the confidence to dominate.

Friday, June 17, 2016

He loves me, yeah, yeah, yeah

The lyrics to The Beatles' song "She loves you" feels fitting in more ways than one.

Last weekend, Giant came clean and told me that he'd lied to me. Not about big, important things, but about little things. To make himself seem better than he was. I hate lies. This is not a small matter to me. I was grievously hurt by Giant's lies, and we're struggling to (re-)build trust between us. That's going to take a long, long time for me to truly get over. He's apologized, but an apology can't mend things overnight.

Yet all along, no matter how hurt I felt, I saw him. He's in pain too. The lies come from a very dark place within him, a place he doesn't like to go. It hurt him so much to be honest with me. To admit that he'd made mistakes. That took tremendous change, and he's showing such a will to change. He wants to be honest with me now. Completely. I see his weakness, but I also see his strength. His courage. And I love him for it. All of it.

Although a voice in the back of my head now always questions his sincerity, I try to trust him. To give him the benefit of the doubt. And he's got me utterly convinced that he cares for me. That he wants to speak the truth, because of me. Because he doesn't want to ruin what we have together. Of this I have no doubt.

When I fall for someone, I fall hard and I fall fast. It's been weeks since I first told him that I love him. He's not responded in kind. He's told me that he cares about me, that he's fond of me, that he enjoys being with me, that he's fallen for me. But not that he feels love.

We've spoken about this, and I've told him that I feel he's worth waiting for. He loved and been hurt before. It's just 9 months since his wife of almost ten years left him. The wounds after that break-up make him more hesitant to love again. This I understand, and accept. And yet, I've felt the imbalance of it all. I've felt alone in my love, unanswered.

So I've pushed him. Not to feel something that he doesn't feel, but to connect with and admit to the feelings he's got. If those feelings weren't love, that was something I was willing to live with. But I didn't want him to be afraid, or to burry his emotions from himself. I didn't want past wounds to get in his way. I wanted to help him heal. So I pushed, as much and as hard as I dared. To make him talk, to make him think.

I didn't really know what would come of it all. Like I said, I was aware that this might lead to him realizing he didn't have any feelings for me at all. And leave me. If that would heal him, I find that the risk (and even the act of being left behind) was worth it.

Last night, he told me that he loves me.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! :)

Sunday, June 12, 2016


Do you like this?
How about this?
Gah! Yes!

I hate having a voice in the back of my mind, asking "was that true?".

You tell me about something you've done, or something you're going to do. Something someone else once told you, or something you've experienced. And I find myself looking for proof that what you're saying is true. I hate not being able to just accept what you say on face value.

You say you wish to tell me the truth from now on. My problem, is that I will never be able to tell if you're actually truthful, or if you just lie really well. And you do lie well, as we've already seen. And nothing anyone can do or say can remove that doubt. So will that voice in the back of my mind ever go away now?

And what about other people? If one person lies, and I didn't spot it, does that mean everybody lies? Will that voice in the back of my mind speak up when I'm with other people to?
I feel wounded. Broken.

It's been less than 48 hours. I'm still probing the wound, trying to assess the damage that has been done to me. Like everything else, I know intellectually that it's possible to heal from this. Though right now, that feels bloody difficult. It feels like I have a long way to go.

It's a choice. Like everything else. Do I choose to let this break me? Break us?

No. Once more, unto the breach.
I choose love.

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Truth and lies

What is trust?

As I see it, trust is the foundation of all human interaction, as well as all interactions between humans and their environment. In the latter case, you trust your own senses, your own mind, your own ability to reason and deduce based on observations and experience. In the former case, you do all of those things, and in addition you trust that the other person is being truthful when communicating with you. That they are truthful about their own experiences, observations etc.

Simply put, if you see the tracks of a bison, you can deduce that bison was here. At least if you know from previous experience what bison tracks look like. You trust your own experiences and the information provided by your senses. You trust your own mind and it's ability to reason and come to the right conclusions.

If someone else tells you they know where the bison was, you have to trust that THEIR ability to observe and reason is at least as good as yours. And then you have to trust that they won't lie to you. Not even for their own gain, or as a prank, or to make themself look good or to make you look bad. Now, I'm not so conceited as to believe that my mind is superior to others, so that first point isn't as much of a problem. It's that second one that sometimes gives me pause.

When people tell me that they love me, or that they find me attractive, or that they like spending time with me, I try to trust them. I want to trust them. But trust is hard.

I've written previously about how I can't trust my own mind. I can't trust how it reasons or draws conclusions. That's what a depression does. That's what a poor self esteem does. It fucks up your ability to see yourself and your interactions with the world (people included) in a truthful, objective and/or positive manner. "Everything I do is wrong." "Nobody really like me." These are things my mind tells me quite often. People tell me that these things that my mind is telling me, are incorrect. That my mind can't be trusted to draw the right conclusions.

We are (luckily) not in the world imagined by the philosopher Kant. The Thing for me is NOT so radically different from the Thing for you. If our perceptions of the Thing had been too different, we wouldn't have been able to communicate at all. And so, since I can't trust my mind, I've learned that I need to trust people. Because the conclusions I draw on my own are obviously skewed. My data is corrupt. I need input, corrections to the data, from outside sources. People that I care for, and trust, and whose opinions I value. Often, I value their opinions over my own.

So what happens when I can't trust other people either? If I find out that someone I trusted as lied to me? It doesn't have to be a big lie, or even be maintained for very long. It just has to be enough to make me question my trust in this person. That doesn't take much (as my mind is already convinced that everyone is secretly laughing at me anyway).

When I can't trust other people... And I can't trust myself... What can be trusted? Who can be trusted? What is the world really like? What does people really feel? Really think? About me? About anything?

There's a reason why T has been forbidden to play practical jokes on me. I have trust issues enough as it is. I don't want to spend my entire life second guessing what someone tells me. I want to be able to trust those that I love. If this small, inconsequential thing was a lie... If this prank, or this story, was a lie... What else might be? And if I fell for the lie, how will I ever know what's true and what isn't?

Again, it has to do with trusting my own mind. My own powers of observation. I didn't spot the lie. I was taken in by it. I believed it. I could have known, should have known, that it wasn't true. But I didn't. So when I'm lied to, not only do I loose some of my trust in other people... I also loose even more of my trust in myself.

So I feel like I should have known, I should have seen. And I didn't. My senses, my mind, obviously can't be trusted to separate truth from falsehood. Is this grass green? Is this person friendly towards me? Is this track made by a bison? I can't know for certain. It's similar to how I know that my senses and my mind can't be trusted when I look myself in the mirror, or when someone pays me a compliment, or when I evaluate something I've done or made. When I'm lied to, I question myself even more than before. I become more unsure of myself, I lose confidence, I feel unsteady.

So what is trust? To me, truth is health. And lies is sickness. Even when the lies are small, or inconsequential, they make me sicker. More uncertain, angst ridden, depressed. More afraid of interacting with others, withdrawing rather than seeking out. I grow less confident in social situations. Unwell in my own skin, in my own mind.

That is what lies and distrust does to me. This hurts far worse than the lie itself, and I'm powerless in it. So I just have to learn to live with it.

I have to get back on my feet again. Wobbly.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Low sex drive

I've got no enthusiasm for any kind of play at the moment. Not with Saint and not with Giant. I want cuddles and closeness and intimacy. And I have a slight, slight sex drive still. At least I want orgasms sometimes. But no BDSM at all. I have no inspiration for it.

Three times now, when visiting Giant, my toy bag has remained unopened. We've cuddled and done some sexy stuff, sure. But really nothing much that could be called BDSM. Saint and I haven't played in quite some time either. I know it bothers him, but he tries not to put any pressure on me. I love him dearly for it.

And I hate it. I feel like I'm not doing my job as a girlfriend, as a dominant or as a sexual partner in any sense. And hating myself doesn't really do anything good for my sex drive, either. Bad circle.