Monday, September 26, 2016

On the Flip Side

This weekend has been interesting, to say the least. I went to a non-kinky cabin trip with another 12 people. Some I knew really well, some I had never met before. Among them was only one adult man. A Swedish guy (so I'm naming him Swede), three years older than me.

The two of us had never met before, but we hit it off really well on the first day. I felt in the mood for some cuddles and stuff, so I asked him straight out if we might hook up. I hadn't any expectations that I might get a "yes", but I figured it was worth a shot...

He was a bit surprised by my suggestion, and I gave him plenty of opportunities to back out. But he never did. When it also turned out that he was really curious about BDSM, but had very little experience with it, the weekend took a very unexpected turn.

After some cuddles and heavy petting on the first couple of days, two things became apparent:
1. He had very little sexual experience at all. Sure, he'd had sex before. But he'd experimented fairly little, had very few kinky experiences, and had a lot of preconceived ideas about what BDSM was and what it wasn't.
2. He wasn't a sub. Or even much of a bottom. He was a top and probably dominant as well.

This combination meant that he didn't respond well when I took charge. He went along with it, sure. I guess that was partially to please me, and partially for the experience itself. But it became fairly obvious that this wasn't his prefered role. At first, I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I felt as though he wasn't responding to me the way I'm used to, and I wondered what I was doing wrong. Pretty soon, I recognized it for what it really was: He's a top, and so am I. We ended up in a loop of "wanting to please the other person", where neither one was really happy. And although it wasn't exactly bad, it was pretty far from good...

We both wanted to fool around some more, even though we were far from a perfect match. So one of us had to yield the position of top. He didn't have the experience to recognize or articulate this, so it had to be me. Now, in principle I'm a switch. I started out as a sub and bottom, back when I was 18 and entered the BDSM scene. But I play from this position very, very rarely.

(In the last 10 years, I've been in a similar position once before: In the summer of 2015 when I fooled around with Arthur. He was also obviously a top, but very, very uncertain of how to handle it. Back then, it didn't go so well, as Arthur struggles with mental illness and freaked out by it all. We remain great friends, but I didn't feel like I managed to teach him that much... I needed to do better this time.)

So I took on the position of teacher and bottom. I remained firmly in control, both of myself and of the situation, but placed myself on the bottom in our dynamics. I made up small scenarios, where Swede got to play around with control and power in VERY controlled circumstances. For example, I tied some rope around my wrists, placed the rope around the bed posts, and just held the rope tight. This way, I was "tied up", whilst being able to just let go of the rope and be completely free. Or I would tickle him, and make him try to stop me by grabbing my arms and holding me down.

We would play like this for a few minutes, to let him have a taste of it, and then we'd back up and talk about it. My goal was to give him some experiences, and then make him analyze them, and practice articulating his thoughts and feelings. And this worked out especially well today, which was our last day together.

During the weekend, and especially today, he made great progress. He started out shy, uncertain, afraid he'd hurt me or that I didn't actually want it, unable to articulate what he was thinking and mostly unaware of his own feelings. And while I can't "fix" all this in a single weekend, I felt like he really came out of his shell. He got a lot better at expressing himself, and I think I managed to poke a few holes in his emotional defences as well.

But what did playing the bottom for a few days do to me?
It made me realise that I miss it.

It was bloody hard, and it felt terribly strange, just lying there and being touched. I couldn't give anything back, I couldn't do anything to him. On the other hand, I could see how much he enjoyed it. And seeing/feeling/hearing that people are turned on, turns me on. So we ended up in a really good loop of sexual desire. Also, I got really turned on by the lack of control in itself. It scared the hell out of me, but it turns me on too.

And I really enjoy the position of teacher. Not only the power, although I'll admit that is a considerable part of it... But I also enjoy giving back to the BDSM community, but using my experiences and skills for the good of someone else. "Pay it forward", as they say. And I enjoy the trust it builds, the connection between two (or more) people.

Would I be a sub again? I don't know. Not right now, certainly. I've too many control issues, don't trust people enough, and it just feels to scary. And I'd need the right play partner for it.
But would I bottom again? Probably, yes. For the right guy, in the right circumstances. If the mood strikes me.

What about Swede?
I had fun. I hope I'll see him again sometime. I had a good time, it was interesting. I wouldn't mind bottoming for him again. There aren't any immediate plan to that end, but we'll see what happens...

Saturday, September 10, 2016

A Giant Status

The summer is over, fall has come. And with fall comes more volunteer work and preparations for next year's big volunteer event. Giant is the head of the entire project this year, and I've agreed to work for him. Work with him.

I need to take stock and try to figure out how I feel about that. About him.

I wrote in the Giant Summary that I learned that it's possible for me to juggle three men. However, that takes a lot of dedication, and willingness to cooperate, and compromise, from all parties involved. I was feeling resentful and bitter towards Giant for not being willing to dedicate himself to me. Not in the same way that I was willing to dedicate myself to him. I wanted to make it work. I wanted to make us all work, even with the new girl. He didn't, and that made me feel hurt and angry.

I couldn't understand: If he loved me as much as he said... As much as I loved him... Why wasn't he willing to do as much for me as I was for him?

I still don't "get" that, but I've grown to accept that this is how it is.

And I've realised it's for the best. We would have made terrible romantic partners. Our communication just wasn't working properly. We kept mis-communicating, arguing, misunderstanding and getting angry at eachother over... Nothing. In the end, I started recognizing a pattern of communications that I haven't seen since the boyfriend I had before I met T (when I was 19). Giant was never loud or violent or dangerous, I feel certain he'd never physically hurt me... But we were falling into the same patterns that I've seen before. Maybe I'm just not a match with some people? Not sure why or how or who's fault it is. Probably a bit of both.

However, I'm still convinced that we'd make pretty great sexual partners. Whether it would just be ropes (fully clothed), or it would involve pegging, or domination, or just the vanilla sex stuff (like oral), or most likely a bit of everything... We'd rock at it. Sexually, we work really, really well together. As long as we both mostly shut up and don't think too much. Don't speak too much. The sexual stuff was awesome, and could probably be awesome again.

However, I don't think I could do that. Not now, when I've just started to accept that I can't be in a relationship with him. Why? Because I love my subs. Every. Single. One.

Some I just love for the minutes or hours of play. The intensity of the connection, or even just being able to gift someone new with a good experience. I love them, and want the best for them. It's so fleeting, it's almost gone before it's arrived. But it's still love, of sorts.

Some I love for weeks, or months. Like Tight, or Corvus, and even War (though he was never a sub, just a lover). Eventually, the feeling of love passes. Passions decline, the connection disappears, and love is gone. Only fondness remains.

And some, like Saint, I love for years and years. Like I love T (though he's certainly not a sub).

I could love Giant for months, maybe years. That's what it feels like right now. I don't know when that will pass. I don't know how to make it pass. And because this is so raw, so new, so strong, I don't think I should get sexually involved with him now. I don't want to fan the flames, because I'm not certain that I'd be content with just a sexual relationship. Despite my better judgement, I might want something more than that. And as we've already established, that's not a good idea.

I don't think about him every day anymore. More like every week. My life is still filled by memories of him. Practical things.. I'm still occasionally listening to his playlist on Spotify. He was the last one logged into Netflix on my laptop. I see his posts on Facebook. I see her posts. It's incredible how many memories and connections can be formed in under ten weeks of dating. I haven't actually seen him in real life since he dumped me.

I still occasionally think about sucking his cock. Of running my hands over his chest and shoulders. Lifting my gaze, making him yield to me with just a look. Of pushing into him with a strap-on, staring down at his face. I miss his body, his reactions, his face when he's turned on, the feeling of his hair through my fingers. I miss the sexual stuff. I don't really miss the rest, because those good memories got clouded by arguments and lies. But the sexual stuff... That feels like it's worth missing.

Despite my better judgement, I'd probably come running if he crooked his finger at me.
So how do I feel about working with him again? Scared, mostly.

Scared because I still love him, and wish I didn't. Scared because he has this power over me, when I wish he didn't. Scared because I don't wish to hurt anyone... Not the new girl. Not him. Not Saint. Not T. Scared because I don't feel in control of myself. I hate not being in control.

I'm scared because I expect that we'll keep misunderstanding each other, and not know how to work it out. I can't fix that, and I doubt he can either. Despite both of us making valid attempts.

Will it all work out in the end?

We'll probably act really professional around each other. Put on the mask of "co-workers", maybe even the mask of "friends". We're both professional enough in this job to make it work, we know what needs to be done.

I just feel scared. And I miss him.