Saturday, March 25, 2017

Primary relationship(s)

I hesitate to write this, because it seems like everyone in my life are really vulnerable right now. I worry that I've cause it somehow, since they all seem to go off at once. On the other hand, if I could go back in time I wouldn't have done much differently. So I don't really know what I should or shouldn't do. I worry that I'll hurt people or make things worse.

I need to write, though, so I do. I might just postpone posting it for a few hours or a few days, until people around me seem more stable.

A consequence of the new relationship model is that I've taken a long and hard look at Saint's place in my life. When we started out, we were play partners. We quickly progressed to a romantic relationship, but we were still very separate entities and maintaining that separation was important to both of us. For the longest time, we didn't even define ourselves as "a couple". We would object if people thought we were "together".

That changed as I spent more and more time with him. It got to a point where we agreed that we were, in fact, together. We started speaking of each other as boyfriend/girlfriend. I started spending more and more time with him, de facto living part time with him. I still have all of my things in the apartment that I share with T, but I left (or bought extra) things at Saint's place too. Like my asthma meds, or an extra set of vibrators, or some underwear or little things like that.

We've now been in some sort of relationship for 3 years and 4 months. And for over two years, we've remained in almost the same place. At least when it came to formal agreements and arrangements. We are boyfriend/girlfriend. We are together, we are a couple.

However, in the last few weeks we've been talking more and more about this not being the entire truth anymore. We have somehow moved beyond this, and have become more than this. And this is where my vocabulary falls short, because I lack poly-terms to describe the way we feel. He said, a couple of weeks back, that if we'd been in a monogamous relationship, he'd propose to me. I feel the same way, and just the fact that he would entertain that thought makes me extremely happy. To me, that means we're in the same place and that we want the same thing in our relationship. We want a commitment, we want the long term. Something beyond the casual boyfriend/girlfriend.

I am already married though. There wouldn't be any point in getting engaged with me, or anything like that. Marriage is just a social and legal construct anyway. I don't feel we need THAT, specifically. We just need the agreement and recognition that we are something serious and committed. The biggest change, in how I think about us, is the way I envision the future with him. Not as some dream, but as a realistic plan.

My future is of course malleable, and if this developpement continues I might be able to envision one where he's even more involved. I'm not sure where that line will or should be drawn. But right now, I envision him having a part in raising T's and my children. Not just as a distant "uncle", but much like a parent. I'd even want him present at the hospital while I was giving birth. Hopefully even in the room, if T is ok with that. I'd want him living in the same building as us, but still having his own space where he could withdraw if he needed it. I want to be open about being polyamorous with everyone we come across.

I will probably always have a more intertwined relationship with T. Not just because we're married, and have known each other the longest, but also because of living arrangements, finances, plans for having children and other factors. I don't want that to change. However, I don't want Saint to be "less than". The relationships are different, sure, and I wouldn't want them to be exactly the same. However, they're both important, long-term, committed relationships, where I wouldn't always prioritize one over the other.

And in that sense, I don't have one primary relationship. I have two.

Friday, March 24, 2017

Relationship models

Edited to add: The diagrams shows "Cogito", which is the same person as Dane. I re-named him Cogito, and then named him Dane again later on.

A conversation with Dane and this article here led me to have a long and serious conversation with Saint. A good conversation, even though not many answers were found. It's a start, and I enjoy the direction we're going (and that deserves a blog post of it's own).

That conversation made me think about how I usually explain my relationships to others. It would go something like this: 
"T and I are married. I have a boyfriend. He has a girlfriend."
If pressed, I might also add that she's got a boyfriend of her own. Or I might add that we also flirt with other people, on a more casual level. 
But this hasn't actually been an accurate representation of "us" for quite some time. I just haven't thought to re-define it. 

Here's how I've usually thought about "us":
In the above model, everything is defined based on The Couple.
T and I are like the hub of a wheel, and I explain everyone else's position based on how they relate to that central core that is "me&him". In the above model, I also have a really clear idea of who T's involved with at any time, I know their level of connection and type of relationship. And he does the same for my relationships. In the above model, T and I also have the theoretical veto right of each others partners. In other words, in the above model there are many rules and regulations in place, to safeguard the primary couple.

Now, this is a fairly accurate representation of how we practiced, and thought, and spoke about polyamory three-four years ago. But in my mind it isn't accurate anymore. The above model has some serious weaknesses:
-First of all, the entire poly network is larger than this. Beauty has a boyfriend, and so has at least two of T's other persons of interest.
-Secondly, it's much more fluid than this. Swede and I had some sort of relationship, and we'll meet again this summer. I'm not sure exactly what we are now, or what we'll be then, but we're something. T also has other relationships, and where a casual fling ends and a serious relationship begins is not something that is easy to pin down. I'm not exactly sure how he and Beauty define themselves these days, and his other persons of interest I'm even less certain about. I just know they're all something.
-Third (and I'll get to this in a later post), Saint doesn't occupy such a secondary place in my life anymore. Having him outside of the "primary box" feels wrong. He feels like my family now, almost as much as T does.
-Fourth, why is there even a box there? Sure, some connections have lasted longer than others or are more involved than others... But that doesn't mean other people are forever excluded from entering (or leaving) that box. Again, this model feels too rigid.

Basically, I'm deluding myself if I try to claim this to be some sort of objective image of the entire network. It's not. It's only a representation of my own small slice of it, with me in the center. Not only that, but I also try to define other people's relationships for them. I don't know what T's other relationships are, or how they define them. I'm not even certain how many of them there are, or where to draw that line. And doing so is not my place. It should be up to them.

Sure, no man is an island. We're all interconnected. For example, when Saint and I are having issues, I confide in T, who draws emotional support from his other relationships. It's all a daisy chain of emotional support. Likewise, when T is experiencing NRE because of some new fling, his positive energy affects me and his other relationships, which in turn can affect the next link in that chain. But T and I have no real veto right anymore.

We could do interventions, sure, if one of us felt that the other was doing themself harm. We could voice our concern, and ask whether this other relationship of ours was such a good idea in it's current form. But to outright veto it? No, there is no such right anymore.

Where does this faulty/outdated model come from?
I think partially, we did develop our poly network from the basis of a primary couple. So it's a natural development when we went from monogamous to polyamorous. However, I also think that much of the blame is mine:

Ever since I entered into my very first relationship (at 15), I've always defined myself through my relationship. I've always been just a part of someone else. I've been very malleable, shaping myself, my behavior and interests, to my partner. For example, I adopted some very varied interests for styles of music and types of art through my teen years, because my partners at the time liked specific things. Same goes for hair colour, and clothing, and lots of other things.

This isn't solely a bad thing, of course. Empathy and adaptation/compromise are good traits to have in a relationship. But there is such a thing as overdoing it. To a certain extent, I've been erasing my own personality and substituting it with theirs.

When T and I got together, he was made aware of this and we've specifically worked to counter it. Even so, it's been really hard for me to admit that he likes things that I don't really like as much. And it's been hard to do / learn /experience something that T has no interest in doing / learning / experiencing. I've steadily been getting better at this, but it's taken me a long, long time to develop some sort of personality and field of interests separate from his.

I feel like I'm at a point now where I need a more individual model for my relationships. A more fluid model, that doesn't play at being a complete and permanent image. A model where I bloody well stop defining other people's relationships for them, and realise that I have a highly subjective perspective. A model that doesn't even TRY to encompass the entire network (because again, where should you draw the line?).

Above is pictured an attempt at a new relationship model. I say attempt, because I'm sure it will change as I discuss it with others. 
-First, notice that I've not even tried to define T's other relationships. I acknowledge that he has them, but there's basically just a big question mark there. It's not my place to count or define them.  
-Secondly, notice that the model is no longer centered so much on The Couple. It's centered on me. I feel this to be more honest, though also a lot more scary. It feels like I'm being selfish, somehow.. Egocentric (which is literally what this is) feels like such a bad word..
-Third, notice that the total number of relationships aren't actually numbered. I don't know what my maximum number is, or what form other relationships might take. That's why there's an "Others?"-box. Relationships are fluid, and they don't (all) have to follow the progression of the Relationship Escalator.
-Fourth, there is no longer a clear hierarchy here. Sure, some relationships have lasted longer than others and are more committed (represented by thicker lines), but there's no "us vs. them". No borders. 

At the same time, I'm not sure if that fourth point is completely correct either. T and Saint feel like my family now, to a larger extent than any other relationships do. And T and I still own stuff together, and are married, and all that primary stuff. So maybe there should be some sort of box there after all... But not one with such hard lines. Something like this, maybe?

Where am I going with all this? Not sure. These are new thoughts to me as well. I haven't actually challenged myself to think about or define my relationships in a long, long time. It's good to take stock and see what's what. I don't attempt to present any clear answers here, as I don't have them myself. I just know that I enjoy my relationships as they are, and I look forward to the future. With all of them. 

Friday, March 10, 2017

Glimpses of intensity

A latex outfit.
Too tight in some spots,
too loose in others. 

Seeing all my flaws,
and not caring.
The look in your eyes changes what I am.
What I see. 
What I feel. 
In your eyes, I'm the most beautiful woman in the world.
And I believe you. 
In that moment only, perhaps. 
But such a glorious moment.
I'm beautiful.

A goddess
In control. 

All you want is to grovel. 
Beneath me.
All I want is to rule.
Above you.

Your face to the ground,
Shoving you down.
My toes into your mouth. Woolen socks. Slightly dirty. 
You hate it. It's disgusting. 
I hate it. It's disgusting.

Who'd ever do something like this to another person?
Who'd actually enjoy something so disgusting?

You don't get a choice.
Submitting to my will. 
I make you beg.
I hear you whimper. 

You love it. 
I love it. 
I decide all.

Through my ruling
we're both free 
to enjoy each other
and enjoy ourselves.
The connection.

Love you.
Love me.

Later on the bed:
Still in latex, my skin out of bounds. 
Grinding against me. 
So turned on. By everything.
And me as well. 

Begging me to hurt you. 
Hurting you,
too much.
Reminding you that you begged for it.

Making you cum,

Like a drug, a buzz.
Feeling high as a kite, 
mind like fog,
thoughts like molasses. 

It wasn't about me. 
I didn't want cuddles, 
didn't want penetration, 
didn't want petting, 
didn't want orgasms. 

And yet it was all about me.
Never stronger,
more powerful,
more sexy,
more beautiful.

Never believing it more. 

Under the latex
Though not from physical touch.

All mental.

Pure control. 
Pure dominance. 

or so it felt
in that moment,
the moment was all that mattered


Thank you. 

I'm still flying.

A rebuttal

You can mostly ignore my previous post. That was 80-90% the drop speaking. I feel much better now.

Wonderful tonight?

It's late in the evening
I'm not wondering what clothes to wear
I sit in the darkness, braiding my long red hair
And then he asks me, "Do you feel all right?"
And I say, "Yes, I feel wonderful tonight"

Or do I?

Tonight has been intense. All highs and lows. Or actually.. Mostly a huge high, but not unexpected I'm now dropping like a stone. I probably would have gotten some sort of drop no matter what, being tired and having had a really intense play session. But I made it worse by hurting someone I care about. And right now, all the guys that l care deeply for are either busy or asleep. So I write. It's how I deal with stuff.

Sometimes it feels like whenever I try to share something of mine... Try to share the joy, the love, the life that I feel/think/experience... I end up hurting someone.

Is this just the drop speaking? Probably. That doesn't make it any less unpleasant, though.

I worry about writing these very words. I'll probably hurt someone by giving details of my awesome play session tonight... But I'll probably also hurt someone by not writing about it. And if I write of this funk that I'm currently in, and all the elements that combined to cause it, I might also cause someone pain. So this blog post will cause pain by being positive, and cause pain by being negative. It's like no matter what I do, it's wrong for someone.

I guess I could refrain from writing anything at all. That might hurt me, in the end. Maybe that's preferable?

Why would I hurt? Because I need this blog. To think. To process. To document. To go back and read through stuff from earlier and go "man, what I crazy back then" or "wow, I guess I really have changed" and sometimes "hm, guess I wasn't as stupid as I thought I was".

I need it because writing helps me go through things, helps me get in touch with my feelings and figure them out. Unravel the chaos, and wind them all up on spools... Separate by colour, material and weight. Crying from an overwhelming mess of emotions feels like adding chaos to the mess, making more knots and tangles. Crying while writing this feels better. Cathartic, cleansing. Like a balm.

But my comfort is not worth hurting the people I love. Maybe I should write, and not publish?

No, I think that would feel fake to me... Like I could go back and change it at any time. Also, I couldn't go back and read through it in the same way. I couldn't sort them by categories and keywords, I couldn't do word searches, couldn't cross-reference and link, or add pictures. Not without making a completely different system for my notes, and using some kind of cloud program with an inbuilt archiving system (like a blog?)... And changing to a whole new system just doesn't feel worth it. I think it would be easier not to write at all, and damn my personal consequences.

Gah, I don't know. Feels like I'm running in circles, each argument countering the previous one. Can't decide, can't think.

Tea, a blanket and simple entertainment (my usual recipe for drops) doesn't seem to work. Writing doesn't really seem to work.

I'll just leave this as it is, and come back to it later. Maybe I can make more sense of it then... Or maybe it will all feel different tomorrow and I'll write my own rebuttal then.

"I feel wonderful because I see
The love light in your eyes
And the wonder of it all
Is that you just don't realize how much I love you"

Monday, March 6, 2017

Service from Saint

Saint and I have started working on me being more comfortable receiving service from him. Like having him pleasure me orally just for my sake, massage my feet, hold things for me, fetching things for me etc. Little things, but they've been hard to me to accept. Hard, but good, because I feel like this is something I need to work on.

The other day, he first made me tea and then knelt at my feet. I used him as a footstool, while I read a book, ate some sandwiches and checked my phone. While it was going on, my mind was like a pendulum going back and forth between enjoying it tremendously and freaking out.

It got easier when I felt that he was relaxing and enjoying himself as well. It made me feel less selfish, less like I was taking advantage. And I did enjoy myself. It was submission and dominance, but in a calm almost zen-like manner. Not directly sexual (at least not to me), just very pleasant. Close, intimate, nice.

I want to do it again, if I get the chance. I just have to overcome my own insecurities each time, to actually suggest it. I'm working on that.