Saturday, December 2, 2017

On being responsible for my own aftercare needs

As my pregnancy has progressed, my body has been getting heavier and I've been struggling with shortness of breath, pelvic pains and other issues. However, I've also become more and more horny, and really been craving cuddles. I've been masturbating every day, sometimes twice a day, but that only alleviates some of the hornyness. Not the need for physical attention. 

Last week, I spontaneously met up with Arthur again. Completely unplanned, but very welcome. I was totally prepared for only socializing, because I never know how well he's doing and what his mood is. So try not to expect anything more (though I always hope...). I enjoy hanging out with him, so just talking is just fine. However, when we were in the elevator, the way he reached for me showed that we wouldn't be just talking.

It was just great. We didn't have a ton of time, and with my pregnancy issues I probably wouldn't have had the stamina for anything more either. We cuddled and fondled and laughed and played. I adore sucking his cock (especially when he grabs my hair and "makes me" do it), and we both had to restrain ourselves not to make him come too fast. After short breaks, I kept going back for more, because I just can't get enough. Sucking cock is probably my favorite sexual activity. 

Detour about consent:
I learned this summer that I shouldn't ask for his consent or try to make him articulate what he wants, because it can make him automatically say "no" even when he wants to say "yes". However, I have limits to how far I will let implied consent be sufficient, even with him. So when I straddled his lap and let his cock touch my pussy, I asked for his explicit consent before slipping it inside of me. 

Of course, I was 99,9% sure that he's say yes, but it's the principle of the thing: I won't have piv-sex (piv = penis-in-vagina) with someone without their explicit, verbal, enthusiastic consent. I also don't really like doing negotiations during play, but with Arthur I feel like I don't have a choice. If I'd asked beforehand, he would most likely have defaulted to "no", even if he really wanted to consent. I wish he'd get over that default, because negotiating as-we-go-along and mostly working off implied consent is potentially really risky. However, he does want me. And I want him. So for now, that's just how we have to swing it. 

Back to what happened:
I straddled him and slipped his cock inside of me, but I couldn't get him as far into me as I wanted (because I'm overweight and really, really pregnant). So I turned around and we did a sort of seated doggy style. He was sitting slumped on the couch, I was sitting in his lap with my back to him and my feet on the floor. This way, I got him a lot further into me, which felt nice. The only thing that really bothered me, was that I couldn't see him or even touch him much from that angle. 

I probably couldn't have held the position for long, because of my pelvic issues, and I'm glad I didn't have to. It must have felt nice for him too, because I made him come fairly quickly. I love making guys so horny they want to come, it always feels like a victory to me. It's proof that what I'm doing is working. Proof that they like it. 

I wish that I'd been physically in better shape than I am, and that we'd had more time. I would have loved to make him come again, and I would have loved to get fucked by him in other ways. I still dream about having him come over here, and just having hours upon hours of fun with him. The things we could do to each other... It turns me on, just thinking about it. 

On communication and my needs for aftercare:
I doubt an extended play session will ever happen, at least not for a long time. Not just because of the baby that is on it's way (though of course that's a significant practical obstacle), but because of how Arthur reacts after he comes: When he's is turned on, he's attentive, affectionate and vibrantly present. I can see the joy in his eyes when he's causing me pleasure and pain. He's so focused on me and on my reactions, and it's obvious that he loves what we're doing. We're "on the same page", and actually communicate fairly well in that situation. 

However, when he's less horny, he becomes much more distant. He can still be affectionate and attentive, but in an intellectual and almost professional kind of way. I get no vibe that he's enjoying me or my presence, and so I feel rejected. 

When we're not in each other's immediate company, it's worse. Generally, after I play with someone I have a need to go through what's happened. I need to express my affection for them, my gratitude, and other things that I thought or felt during and after the play session. I expect much the same in return. I have a need to hear how they felt and what they think. I need to hear that it wasn't just me, that I wasn't the only one enjoying myself. 

With Arthur, I don't get any of that. I can express myself all I want, but it falls flat. If I even get a response (and I usually don't), it's distant, non-committing, neutral and short. It doesn't matter if it's that same day, the next day or the next week. If he's not horny, it's always that same distance.

I know this happens. I knew it would happen when I first suggested we'd meet up. He's better than he was in so many ways, but not in this. I was prepared for that. 

It always hurts, though. That feeling of rejection and loneliness afterwards. The feeling that I've pushed myself on someone who isn't really interested in me. I think it trigger some childhood memories of being bullied, when I was tricked into thinking someone liked me when they were just making fun of me. That rejection, that distance, always leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth. As if I've taken advantage of him and he's just let me get away with it... Out of pitty, maybe. Or as a kindness to me. 

But really, that's not what happens. I know intellectually that I feel this way because my need for communication and mental intimacy isn't met in the aftercare-stage of an encounter. I know it's not something he does on purpose. I know he doesn't want to hurt me. 

I walked into this knowingly, and that makes it my responsibility to deal with it's consequences. My needs for aftercare are ultimately my own responsibility. This means that it takes a certain amount of mental resilience for me to handle playing with him. Because I get no help from him handling those needs. Writing here is one of the major ways I deal with it. I go through what happened, and I analyze how I felt or what I thought. It helps. A bit.

I always get a drop though. I always feel sad and rejected and unwelcome. However, I know each time that it will happen, and I choose to play with him anyway. Because I can take it. I may not always have the mental resilience to handle that drop, but for now I think it's worth it. I think he's worth it.