Longing

My partner Saint has gone early to bed again, and my lover Arthur is busy and not answering my messages tonight. I'm surfing on Fetlife and some kink-channels on Discord, but not enough is happening and I feel restless. I have this longing, like an itch I'm unable to scratch.

I long for people. Kinky people. I long for connection, community, I long for my kinks to feel normal, accepted, enthusiastically embraced. Sure I've got some friends, but we mostly talk online these days and most of them aren't kinky. They might know about my kinks, but since they aren't kinky themselves they don't really "get" it.

So I have this longing. I long to sit amongst my peers, not necessarily discussing kinky stuff, but knowing there's room for it. Both for the conversation topics and the actions. I long for the sounds of someone playing in the background, spontaneous and natural. I long for the light flirting, the show&tells, the questions. I miss being surrounded by other kinkster, I long for a community.

And it's not even covid's fault, really. I've turned away from the community willingly, because I'm busy taking care of young kids. There isn't time, or room, or energy, for taking part in a kink community right now.

So it's my own fault. 

But I still miss it. 

Hypersexual?

I stumbled accross this post, and it made me think. If sexual desire is a spectrum, with hypersexuality (as described in that post) on one end and asexuality in the other end... I'm pretty close to hyper, most of the time. 

Not as bad as what she described there, certainly. I've never had to physically ice my genitals. But I have on a couple of occasions been late for meetings, or postponed doing tasks I really should be doing, because I was busy masturbating. And in every single relationship I've been in, I'm the one who wants the most sex. Even if a partner can keep up at first, after a few months or a year I'm the one who wants it the most. 

Nursing a baby is such a weird experience for me, because when I nurse I became asexual. It kicks in a couple of weeks after birth, so it has to be hormonal. Being ace is such a strange feeling to me, to NOT want sex. To not even think about it. When I nurse less, though, my sex drive comes back.

I'm nursing once or twice every night now, sometimes not even that, and my sex drive is DEFINITELY back. (Let's just say, I'm glad I'm mostly working from home these days..) 

For someone with such a high sex drive, I've had practically no one night stands though. I can flirt and fondle, sure. And I can get the other person hot and naked. And I can do BDSM stuff to them. But to actually let them have sex with me... No. 

It comes down to trust, I think. And being damaged. I'm not even sure what I'm afraid of, really... I think it's 60% body issues and 40% a fear of disappointing them. Of not being good enough.

But if I could let myself trust? Oh yeah, there would be a lot more one night stands in my future. 

Life changes

My life has changed a lot these past few years. I've got two kids, gotten divorced, and moved to a different part of the country. I still have my wonderful Saint, who's a great partner to me and a great dad to our kids. But with a 1 year old and a 3 year old, there isn't much time or energy for kink or even sex. I miss it, a lot, but I'm not worried. This is such a short period of our lives, and it will pass soon enough. We'll get back in the swing of things once the kids start sleeping through the night, of that I'm certain.

Another change is a new diagnosis: Lichen sclerosis. An auto-immune skin disorder affecting the skin of the vulva. The skin gets frail, sore, itches a lot, tears easily and looses its flexibility. The disease can also cause the skin to fuse over the clitoris, the labia minora can disappear, and worst case scenario the vaginal opening can gradually close up. 

I had this for over a year before going to see a doctor (yeah, I know, I'm an idiot). He suspected this disease and referred me to a gynecologist who confirmed it.

Luckily, it's not contagious, and it can be fairly well contained with strong cortisone ointments. I'll need to apply that at least a couple of times per week for the rest of my life, and apply it daily during flare-ups.

I've treated it for a couple of months now, and I feel almost back to normal. I haven't tried having penetrating sex since treatment started, but I think it would completely fine now.

It's just another change. Something I'm sure I'll learn to live with.