Dilation

In under two weeks, Arthur and I will have another hotel weekend. I'm very much looking forward to it.

To make sure I'm as prepared as possible, I've started dilation practice. 

Why? Lichen Sclerosus makes my skin less stretchy and more prone to soreness and tearing. That hurts for days, and I want to try and avoid that when Arthur and I are together. I haven't been penetrated by anyone else but him in 2021. And since I bought the Doxy Die Cast wand, I haven't used anything internal for masturbation either. This means my vaginal opening has been left mostly alone for long periods of time.

There is something to the expression "use it or loose it". Not that my vaginal opening actually closes (though for some severe cases of lichen sclerosus, that can happen), but I know I open up more, and quicker, if I recive vaginal penetration regularly. I also get more pleasure from it, and (/because) I'm less worried about tearing. So what does this mean: It means I'm trying to fuck myself with a dildo or vibrator at least once per day. And preferably orgasm. 

Yesterday and today, I struggled with getting the last two centimeters of my FunFactory vibrator Stubby inside of me. And it's just 13,5cm circumference, which is A LOT smaller than Arthur's dick. That used to be super easy, so I've obviously got some way to go. By the time he gets here, I'm HOPING to be able to get Big Boss into me, with some lube and time (15,5cm circumference, a bit more at an angle). Not sure I'll manage, though.. It's a bit big for me at the best of times (unless I get a couple of hours of forplay and orgasms first). We'll see how far I get. 

So yeah, that's my plan: To practice widening my pussy, in preparation for Arthur's cock. That's what I mean by dilation practice. 

Anonymous

As a follow-up to the previous post, I've made a profile at Tellonym. So now anyone can contact me anonymously. Feel free to send me a Tell through https://tellonym.me/sexyblue85

To view my replies, you need to download the Tellonym app. You're completely anonymous, I can't see who you are at all (unless you choose to tell me). 

I've also updated the previous post, to reflect this option. 

Who are you?

I've given the link to this blog tob quite a few people over the years. However, I've no idea who still reads it. So this is a question for you, dear reader.. Whether you read this today or a year from now.. Who are you? 

Please leave me a comment to let me know if you are still reading this. If you want anonymity, please send me a Tell using Tellonym: https://tellonym.me/sexyblue85

It could be as simple as "I'm reading" and signed by some sort of nick name or pseudonym or name.. Or you could tell me more about yourself, if you want. 

I am an exhibitionist, after all... I'd love to know who's watching. 

I'll show you mine..

As a woman on the internet, I've seen a lot of dicks over the years. I've received unsolicited dick pics, both on Facebook, Fetlife and Snapchat, and I've seen countless Fetlife profiles where a dick pic is their only profile picture. I don't like this. 

And don't get me wrong: I love dick! And of course, occasionally there's a really beautiful picture that really fascinates me... The composition, the use of light and shadow, an unexpected viewpoint or something else beautiful and original. The vast majority, however.. They aren't like that. And even the artful ones aren't pictures that I'd want to have unexpectedly pop up on my phone. Also: Your average gif or video of a guy jerking off is NOT any better, let me tell you. Moving pictures isn't an improvement, when the motif is undesired to begin with. 

So I'm phenomenally bored, and occasionally disgusted, by dick pics. However, as it turns out, the clue here is "undesired". I haven't desired these pictures, haven't wanted these dicks, haven't been even remotely interested to the people attatched to them.

I've received the occasional dick pic from partners and subs before, usually because I've asked for them. And those I've liked. They've even turned me on, occasionally, because of some subject of conversation related to said genitals. However, I can't remember being turned on by a dick in motion before..

Until my videocall with Arthur the other day. It was late, and we were discussing things that turned us on. I knew, from his breathing and motions, that he was touching himself. In the end, he asked if I wanted to see... And I did. I wasn't sure at first how I'd react, but I liked it. More than I thought I would. And perhaps more importantly: I've kept thinking about it since.

Partially, I think I feel flattered. He seemed to be turned on by ME, by things we talked about, things we want to do to one another. To hear and see such a concrete proof is flattering. I also feel flattered and pleased by the trust he shows me. I know it was difficult for him. 

But it's more than that. It's not just a psychological impact. It's HIM. His dick, his hands, his breathing, his voice. That same video, made by anyone else, would be completely uninteresting. But I know it was him. That makes all the difference. He turns me on. His dick pics, his dick on video, is desired. It's welcome. 

He asked to see mine as well (my pussy, obviously. I don't have a dick.), since he'd shown me his. It was sort of awkward with the angle and the light, but I think he got some idea at least...

On one hand, I love the idea of showing myself to him. Being seen, being desired. On the other hand I worry SO MUCH that what I'm doing isn't good enough, somehow. That he would be bored or displeased. 

That uncertainty is such a big hindrance, because it blocks my exhibitionism in practice. So while I'm horney as hell when I think about it or talk about it (or write about it..), I became a fearful, uncertain bundle of nerves when I'm actually in a position to DO the things I'm fantasizing about. I hope to get past some of that uncertainty, at least when it comes to Arthur. I wonder if it would be easier if it was done TO me, rather than me being given some agency and choice in the matter... I don't know. 

In any case, I think all this is a matter of experience, repetition and trust. A whole lot of trust. 

I want what I don't want

Arthur finds it difficult to tell me what he enjoys. Because telling me is ALMOST asking for it. And once you ask, you can be rejected. However he's getting better, slowly. And I try to keep an open mind.

Last night, he told me two things he hopes to do with me. He wants to cum on my face, and he wants to cum in my mouth.

That first one is easy. I realized that I really like that part when I was playing with Giant. And adding the D/s dynamic that Arthur and I have, will only make it more hot. I want to kneel at his feet, raise my face towards him, close my eyes, and feel those warm spurts hit my face... Preferably in the shower, so clean up is easy.

And I want to lie on my back in the bed, and have him sitting on my chest. My arms trapped downwards, so I can't stop him or control the debth. I want him to (carefully and with great control) fuck my face. Then pull out right before cuming, and jerk off all over my face. To have so little control scares me, and turns me on. Just the thought made us both really turned on last night, and it's making me wet as I write now.

His second wish i harder for me. A lot harder. I really dislike drinking/swallowing unpleasant textures or tastes. Medication that has to be drunk is almost impossible for me. I really dislike cumshots in porn because of this, and I switch channels if someone on tv has to drink/eat something glose at a dare. It's practically a phobia.

However, I HAVE swallowed before. I did it quite a lot in my first two relationships, when I was 15-16 years old. It was a point of pride, something I wanted to be able to do. I never really enjoyed the act itself, but I didn't actively hate it either.

In itself, having someone cum in my mouth does not turn me on. If anything, the mere thought likely to turn me off. However (and here's where BDSM makes it weird), having Arthur cum in my mouth because HE WANTS TO.. That turns me on something firece. And the fact that it's something I don't really like, is actually making it MORE of a turn-on. In an ideal world, he wouldn't even ask, he would just do it. Use me, take me, because it gives him pleasure. And that's such a twisted, illogical thing. I don't want this, I don't like this.. And BECAUSE I don't, having him do it to be turns me on. 

The idea of pleasing him turns me on as well. I'd probably want to try this even without the D/s dynamic. But the D/s dynamic adds another layer of "double-think" which is fascinating to observe. I don't only want to please him, like I would any lover.. It's my underlying "not-wanting" that makes me want it more.

It's just like with bondage, sort of.. Just stronger. I love bondage, it turns me on. But it also scares me SO much. And the fact that it scares me, makes it such an effective tool for dominance. I want to take all that fear and show it to him, like an offering. As a proof of how much I trust him, how much I want him. I want to not only please him, I want make him proud of me. By overcoming an obstacle FOR him, I hope to make him proud.

Of course it's for me as well. I want this. It turns me on. I'm soaking wet right now, just from writing about it. I expect this to be a bit tricky for him to do in real life, because his most basic need (sexually) is to please his partner. So he'll probably worry that the "don't want" will override the "want".. Which it might, I can't give any guarantees.. But I hope he'll trust that I'll stop him, if there's something I REALLY don't want. Consent and trust is the basis of everything, after all. 

In summary: I want what I don't want, because he wants it.... But the reason HE wants it in the first place, is at least partially because he knows I want (or don't want, and therefore want) it......

It's a convoluted series of feedback loops, but I think it'll work itself out. And I think we'll have an awesome time with each other, regardless of how much or how little D/s play we end up doing. I'm really looking forward to seeing him again. 

10 things I love about you

Except from a few messages back and forth, I've not spoken with Arthur since I visited this summer. He's coming here in early October for another hotel weekend with me, and I'm REALLY looking forward to it.

Last night we had a video call. He prefers those to messages or regular phone calls, because he likes being able to see my facial expressions. We talked about all kinds of things, from mundane everyday stuff to much heavier mentally challenging topics. 

For example, we talked about our uncertainties in this relationship. I feel confident that he wants what I have to offer, but I worry a lot that he doesn't really care about ME. That I just serve a function. He, on the other hand, claims he doesn't have much value or worth at all. So he can't even belive that I want what he's giving me. He stryggles a lot with accepting that I do want to spend time with him, that I appreciate all that he is.

So I made a list of 10 things I love about him, 10 reasons why I'm attracted to him.

1. He's intelligent, knowledgeable. We can talk about practically everything. I love his mind. 

2. He's kind, compassinate, helpful. I trust that he would never intend to do me harm. 

At this point he was freaking out, so I had to introduce some easier topics.. 

3. His dick. I love having it in my mouth, love tasting and smelling it, love being fucked with it. He's JUST a bit too big for me, which is actually a great fit (as long as we take things slow).

4. He's really handsome. Sexy. I love looking at his body, touching it. I love how much taller he is than me.

The order might not be exactly right, but I think I remember most of the points I mentioned.. And anyway, all of these are true too. 

5. Because he "gets" me. He can read my body language, he accepts all my quirks, we communicate really well. We have intense, lovely, honest conversations. 

6. He's a geek. We have many of the same references, interests, we know what it's like to be outside the norm. 

7. His hands. He's really good with his hands. Good in bed, in general, but really good with his hands. 

8. Because he's available, however brutal that sounds. He wants to spend time with me, wants to travel to see me. 

9. He's curious, and willing and able to learn. He's good in bed already, but there's also a lot he doesn't know. He's able to take instructions, eager to please me, wanting to learn more. 

And maybe the most important, and the only one he can't really "disproove" in any way:

10. Because I love him. It's not logical. It just is.

He freaks out a bit over that. He feels it's unfair, because he doesn't love me back. He feels I deserve more, somehow. He's also unsure how to handle it, because our society has taught us that love MUST be reciprocated, that love DEMANDS moving up the relationship escalator... And I don't expect any of those things.

I've blogged about it before as well. I fall in love easily. I've been in love with Arthur for many years, on and off. And each time we met it made my feelings stronger and more long lasting, until it went from "in love" to "love". I just didn't dare to tell him before, because I didn't think he could handle it. (He almost couldn't handle it now, so I guess THAT worry was well founded..) 

I don't often quote the Bible, but 1 Corinthian fits well here: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,"

I love without expectations, without demands, without trying to claim or own the one I love. It would have been nice, of course, REALLY nice, if he loved me back. I will admit as much. And yes, I hope he will love me back one day. And yeah, there is an unevenness there, he's right about that... But it doesn't bother me much. He cares about me, he wants to spend time with me, and that's enough. I'll take what I can get from him. 

Also, I want to continue exactly as we are. I don't want anything more serious or involved, my daily life is way too full for that. This relationship escalator isn't moving, and that fits me just perfectly.