Changed gender on Fetlife

On Thursday, I removed the word "woman" from my Fetlife bio. Today I actually changed my gender on Fetlife to Non-binary. And it feels like a fucking big deal. I'm crying here. Don't really know what I feel, it's such a big tangle of emotions... That's why I write. It helps me untangle, a bit.

The biggest part, I think, is fear. Fear of being wrong, of changing my mind, of not being "trans enough". Fear of what people will think, what questions they might ask.. Because I don't know the answers. I don't know... Anything, it seems.

This song has really hit a sore spot these last few weeks. Especially the parts in the lyrics where he sings "loved the others, but didn't love who you were" and "under water to scream, so no one can hear you". Well, basically the entire chorus:

"They said you danced on roses

They said you never missteped

But there was one thing you were missing

It was the smile in your own mirror

The dive in the ocean 

Into freedom for you 

Underwater to scream 

So no one could hear you"

And the reason I think this really hits a nerve is because... I'm not ok. I might not EVER have been ok. I've been drawn towards trans narratives, gender non-conforming narratives, lgbt+ narratives since my early teens. I've educated myself on lgbt+ issues, I've read up on trans-related topics, I've felt drawn towards trans people... For SO MANY YEARS. I've been an EXCEPTIONAL ally, in fact better/more informed /more open minded than several gay people I know.

Why did I REALLY cut my hair super short in 2018. Yeah, sure it was a really hot summer, and I had a young baby pulling my hair.. Those were my excuses.. But I remember that feeling of getting out of the shower those first few weeks afterwards and looking in the mirror... That's not just "happy with a new hair cut". That's gender euphoria. And I still feel that way occasionally when looking at my hair, like it's just RIGHT. It fits.

My question now is: How far will this go. Is nonbinary where I will end up? Will I swing back towards femme, confirming that I'm genderfluid? Or will I swing further out to the masc side? Will I ever "land" somewhere, or will my gender keep changing?

I don't WANT it to change. Having my gender be easily definable and static feels SO MUCH simpler than having it be fluid. I could probably explain to my parents and siblings if it was a static thing, but I doubt they'll accept any fluidity. Especially my sister, who's just ridiculously judgmental.

Gah, I don't know. 

A friend asked me tonight what pronouns I prefer. I said I don't know. After thinking about it, I think I'd PREFER they/them in English. But will accept she/her too (don't want to be difficult.. Also, why would I insist on something, or get offended by something when I don't really have a firm idea myself..). In Norwegian, the equivalent is "hen" for a gender neutral pronoun, though I'll accept "hun/henne" også. 

Dysphoria - yes, it's there

Another thing I thought I didn't have was gender dysphoria.. But then I realized (aka, was told by Foodie, because I was completely unable to name the emotion myself) that I HAVE experienced gender euphoria. And euphoria is just the bright light of dysphoria. If I didn't feel dysphoria, I most likely wouldn't experience euphoria either. 

The more I read about dysphoria, the more I find it in myself too. So I'm stealing the classification of dysphoria from the The Gender Dysphoria Bible and will go through them one by one:

For example: My boobs have ALWAYS bothered me. I've claimed that I don't like them because they're too small... That I'd like them more if they were bigger, because then I'd conform better to the beauty standards for women.. But the only time I sort-of liked the look of them was when they were full of breast milk. And I don't actually WANT bigger boobs, it's bloody impractical and heavy and in-the-way. In fact, I often think they're in the way now. 

I just want to fit in better with how I /society think I should look. I like them better now than before, because Arthur loves them.. But other than that.. I don't really want them. I've considered before how I'd feel if I got breast cancer and had to remove them.. I'd miss my nipples, sure.. But not my boobs. At least that's how I feel now. Could this be physical gender dysphoria? 

Also: Fat. I dislike being fat, at least part of the time. But is it the fat itself, or the fat distribution on my body that I hate? I think it's more the later than the former. Because a couple of days ago, I got my first binder and suddenly I had a much more masculine profile.. And as by magic, my belly and my double chin didn't bother me anymore! My hips still bothered me.. A lot. But my belly and face was just fine. So that's obviously also a gendered sort of self-hate. That's dysphoria.

As for social dysphoria: Plenty of it. Worrying how others see me. Feeling completely alianated by very stereotypically feminine women, feeling SO MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE around people who aren't conforming to societal beauty&gender standards.. Feeling like I'm wearing a costume when wearing some women's clothing, but probably wouldn't feel completely comfortable in only masculine clothing either... Yeah, definitely there. 

And social gender euphoria as well... Like previously mentioned: Being referred to as "they", or looking suitable androgynous when I wear men's shirts. Just earlier tonight someone in a Discord chat told me that "If I didn't know you and saw that picture I'd have no idea whether you are a man or woman." I have no idea if she was only being kind or if it was genuine, but that doesn't really matter. What matters is the INTENSE joy I felt. I think that's the best compliment I've received in years!! 

Also, regarding societal pressure to conform to certain gender roles: I never dated or flirted the way women are "supposed" to. I'm aggressive, direct and very physical in my flirting. I prefer to play with someone first, maybe even have sex, then figure out emotions and compatibility as we go along. That definitely not stereotypically feminine. 

Presentational dysphoria.. Well, I that's probably what I've talked about the most here so far: Wondering if I want to fuck them or be them.. Feeling envious of other people's appearance. The annoyance when men's clothing don't fit well on my body. So yes, I definitely have that. 

The only kind of dysphoria / euphoria I so far don't see as a problem at all is the sexual kind. And that's not because it's not there, but because it's been given another shape: Kink. As a kinkster, I can be dominant, forceful, active. I can wear a strap-on or a glove and be the penetrator in stead of the penetratee. And I can switch and adore the other side as well. There's no dysphoria here, because I'm kinky and I love it. It's all just.. Fun. 

That website also mentions existential dysphoria, but I'm too tired to go digging into that right now. So that will have to be a different night. 

Internalized transphobia

I didn't think I had any internalized transphobia. That was until I read about what it actually was. It's like racism or fat phobia: Invisible to a member of the majority, until you become more knowledgeable... And then it's EVERYWHERE and impossible to unsee. So internalized transphobia, or cissexism if you will, is just as pervasive.

For example: This cis(het) default that everyone are either men or women, and that trans people are abnormal / freaks / strange... That's transphobia. Sure, trans people are statistically a minority. But they, WE'RE, a normal variation on the human expression of gender. Just like people with red hair are statistically fewer than those with brown hair, but that doesn't make redheads abnormal freaks.

In me, right now, it manifests as a sort of impostor syndrome. I worry that I'm not REALLY nonbinary. I worry that I've been following lgbt+ news and blogs and politics and communities for so many years, that I somehow fooled myself into joining. That's this is a form of self-hypnosis, because I know so many lgbt+ people and wanted to feel included. Wanted to be "special".

But this is bullshit. I KNOW that this is bullshit. You see, I've considered whether I could be trans many times before. I've even felt a sort of envy towards people I know who are trans.. And I just didn't connect the dots.. This quote I found online really spoke to me tonight:

"But here’s the thing… only trans people are worried about if they are actually transgender! A cisgender person does not have this obsession with their identity, they think about it, they process it, they move on. If you keep returning to these thoughts over and over again, this is your brain telling you that you took a wrong turn." (https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en/impostor-syndrome)

I also worry that it's just a phase, that I'll "switch back to woman" soon... But since that's sort of what genderfluid IS, that shouldn't worry me either really... And that website had something to say about that too:

"at the start, we nearly all feel like our gender is a confusing mess. We feel like we can’t possibly be trans enough to claim a queer identity, and we definitely don’t feel trans enough to transition. We worry that we are making the wrong decision, that we are overreacting, that stepping outside of our little cocoon of self-preservation is liable to be the biggest mistake we could ever make in our life.

If you feel all of this stuff, you’re in good company. My therapist even jokes that asking “am I trans enough?” is so common that it’s practically a symptom of being trans. You cannot figure out your gender identity without questioning it, and self-doubt is a normal part of that process." Source: https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en/am-i-trans

So yeah, I'm trans alright. I'm definitely trans enough. Regardless of what my internalized transphobia is trying to tell me.

Brainstorming what I love

 I try to brainstorm a bit.. What are the things I have done as a dominant, that have really turned me on? What do I really love to do or experience? What do I dream about?

Things I've done that I loved: 

• Worn a strap-on
• Used a strap-on to fuck a guy in the ass
• Given someone pain, just because I want them to hurt. And they enjoyed taking it, for me. 
• Made someone learn how to bundle my ropes the way I like them (because why should I do the clean-up, if I can make someone else do it for me?)
• Taught someone how to make my tea the way I like it. Made them ask if they may make me tea (it's a lot easier for me to accept letting them do it as a favor to THEM, rather than as a requirement from me).
• Made someone watch my pussy (and my body, but mainly my pussy) while I masturbated. (Because I'm an exhibitionist. Although this didn't work out so well in practice, because they weren't comfortable with the experience at all. And I'm very sensitive to other people's feelings, so it kind of threw me out of the headspace a bit.) 
• Used a title. (Only ever happened in one relationship. Didn't think I'd like it, but turned out I really, really did.)
• Sucked cock (but I will start disliking it, if they aren't into it. Yeah, I love sucking dick, but it's not COMPLETELY unrelated to the reactions and feelings of the person attached to the dick.)
• Had piv sex regularly
• Made someone come, given them pleasure.
• Shibari. But that's not mainly sexy. That's more zen, and it feels like an accomplishment. 

Things I've not done, that I think I'll love:

• Receiving a massage from someone who isn't sighing or complaining about it, and whom I don't have to constantly watch for sign of whether they don't really want to do it or not. Where I'm the one stopping when I'VE had enough, not when I think they've had enough.
• Having someone basically be a dildo/vibrator-holder while I masturbate. (Again, where I don't have to continuously watch out for their uncomfort or whether they don't really want to do it. And not when I'm pushed into it, because someone else decides they'd like to see me come.) 
• Fucking someone (piv sex) with complete disregard for their pleasure or comfort. (Would probably need to fuck a strap-on for that to be possible, but it could still be fun.)
• Given someone chores to do around the house to make my life easier and more comfortable... And having them continue to do them, without continuous supervision and without forgetting after a week or two. So I could check at any time, and they could tell me where they're att with this week's chores (This is NOT the same as someone choosing for themselves, or we agreeing, that they should do certain parts of the household chores. This is SPECIFICALLY chosen by me, to make MY life easier. This WOULD be designed to tilt the "who does the most around the house" scale more towards them and less towards me. And they should remember that they're doing it, not because it "needs doing", but because I told them to.)

But several of these are really quite vanilla. And even those who aren't... That isn't a very extensive list for someone who's been in the BDSM scene for over 18 years. I'm pretty sure there should / could be a lot more on both lists, but I'm simply not in-tune enough with my own emotions or desires to know what else I could write. 

And considering all the other chaos in my head right now, I don't have the space or the spoons to unpack this anymore right now. Gender takes precedence over sex right now, since I don't have that much of an active sex life anyway and gender is such a big part of my identity.

I crave touch

It's the week for introspection and personal discovery, apparently. Is this a thing that typically happens shortly after the youngest child turns 2 years old..? If so, shouldn't some sort of warning label be handed out in the delivery room or something..? Haha.

Whilst I've been going through a gender crisis and realising that I'm not straight, Saint has realised that he doesn't communicate as well as he wants to. I feel like he's communicating fairly well, certainly better than any other partner I've ever had. But he wants to improve and become an even better partner, and that's something I really appreciate.

One of the things he's realised, is that all the kink we do is on his terms. Most of the kink we've ever done has been on his terms, catering to his desires and wants. That's basically how it always is, so I'm in no way shocked or even particularly disappointed by this. It's just the way it is. I build my sessions around what my play partners are interested in, within a framework of what I'm willing or able to do at that time with that person. So my consent is absolutely there. I wouldn't do something to someone if I didn't consent to it. But I build my sessions around THEIR needs and wants. Not mine. 

Why? Mostly, I think it's because I hope that they'll do the same thing back. I get turned on by them being turned on, and that typically goes both ways, making a neat little spiral of horniness. I love to feel desired, I love when they actively show me that they want me, and they typically do that if they're pleased with what I do to them. 

Also, as previously established, I believe I have no worth to anyone, am unlovable, if I'm not useful. So I make sure to be useful to them, so they'll love me. Also, making demands or even asking for what I want, means that I can be rejected. And as established in a previous post, I hate rejection. I've gotten a lot better at this, especially with long term partners like Saint whom I trust.. But it's still a thing.

So yeah, that's all a neat little package of "bullied in school" + "not being understood or supported by my parents as a child" + "over-intellectualizing, no idea what the emotions in there really are". 

This tactic works really well in the first year or so, when the NRE is flowing and they feel in love and horny. I get a lot of sex, which I love, and they're super willing to touch me and basically worship my body. However, it goes completely to hell as soon as those chemical compounds really drop. In the beginning of a relationship, I always point out how much I love the amount of sex and how I know that no men can keep up with my desires over time. And each time, they will say "other men might not, but I have such a high sex drive it'll be no problem for me". And yet each time, I end up really frustrated eventually.

It's not really the sex that's the main point for me, though. It's the intimacy, the closeness, the connection. Breathing together, touching as much of each other as possible, making all those happy chemicals in super-close proximity to the other person. So what I crave isn't sex (although the piv sex is also really awesome, and a very "simple" way of getting all those other things I mention in this paragraph). What I crave is the touch.

Unpacking that is the easy part. The hard part is this: If I could be truly dominant, and not just a traumatized, high-anxiety, people-pleasing service dom... What would I want from a D/s relationship? 

What would I want? 

Aside from being touched, as much as humanly possible.. Aside from them showing me, through body language, and word, and deed, that they WANT me. Crave me. Find me sexy as hell. Worship me.

Aside from that.. ? I really don't know.

How do you know if you're trans?

 This is a continuation of my previous post, please read that first. 

I keep having these tiny moments of clarity, where I go "oooooh! So THAT'S why I...". Like.. Why do I love rainbow-colored things? Why am I such a fierce lgbt+ ally (hint: I wasn't just an ally)? Why does gay porn turn me on so much? Why do I love wearing strap-on? Why do I hate wearing bras? Why do I hate any sort of high heel? Why do I love my short hair?

And sure, a lot of women hate wearing bras or high heels. A lot of women have short hair or are good lgbt+ allys. I'm sure a lot of women feel or like a lot of those things I mentioned.. But taken all together, for me, they're clear signs SOMETHING is up. 

Tonight at the party, two things happened that made me further question my gender. First of all, a guy I don't really like said something like "...and you're a girl I really like". And for years, I've hated being called "girl". It's infantilizing. I'm a woman, not a girl, or so I've firmly believed. Since I don't really like him, that should be enough to set my teeth on edge... But the girl/women-thing wasn't mainly what was bothering me about it this time... It was the fact that he sees me as a woman/girl/female that bothered me. In that moment, I didn't WANT to be seen as a woman. That felt shocking. I can't remember ever having felt like that before. 

Secondly, Foodie used "they/them" pronouns when talking about me to someone else... And whilst it felt really foreign and weird.. It also felt REALLY nice. Slightly euphoric, in fact. Simply because I WASN'T automatically being perceived as a woman by them. I don't think they/them pronouns are right for me.. In English they might be, but they feel really foreign to me in Norwegian. If I were to choose a different pronoun than she/her, I think I'd use the most prevailent neutral personal pronoun in Norway when speaking Norwegian: Hen. I'm not ready to take that step, though.. And I'm not sure I will.. But not being assumed as female felt.. Nice. 

I still keep questioning, though.. I mean.. It's only been a couple of days. This is the third evening I'm writing and pondering on this topic.. I question if I might just be too easily influenced by social media (TikTok) or by new, interesting people (Foodie)... If I might be imagining all of this.. If it might be just a phase.. And then I remember something that Foodie told me tonight. He was quoting from a TikTok I haven't seen (yet), and it basically went like this:

"How do you know if you're transgender?

......

Oh you're still here! Well, there you go then. 

Cis people don't question their gender identity."

And yeah, it might be simplified, but that struck a cord with me: Cis people don't question their gender identity. So the fact that I'm questioning whether this is all real, is in itself proof that it IS real.

And so most of the drive home from the BDSM party tonight, I cried. Cried, because this all feels so overwhelming and strange and new and raw. Cried because I'm so unsure of everything. Cried because I feel like I'm saying goodby to the person I thought I was, the person I have been for 35 years. Saying goodbye to being only a ciswoman. Crying because I'm afraid. Who am I?!?

The gender thing

It's been two days, and my head is still spinning. I spend my time switching between forgetting it / hiding from it, pondering / crying about it, and just a general feeling of freaking out. No, not the "being turned on by some women" part. Yes, I'm queer. Yes, that's really weird, but no it doesn't really freak me out as much. It's the gender thing. THAT is what's freaking me out. 

For a "cis" woman, I counted myself as relatively well-informed on lgbt+ topics. I follow a few lgbt+ sites on Facebook, read up on anti-lgbt+ legislation that gets mentioned in media, try to use the correct pronouns for trans people and generally try not to behave like an entitled ass. For example, I was more well-informed on gay history, and much more accepting of trans people than my lesbian co-worker. But there's SO much more out there that I just DID NOT KNOW. Why? Because I'm not the first person to go through this, so obviously there are words to describe these things. And I want the words. Words help shape and define thoughts, and right now my thoughts feel like mush. I need more clarity than this. 

Like I mentioned in my previous post, I met with Foodie at a BDSM party tonight. We played and cuddled, which was nice, but the most important thing we did was TALK. I felt like they saw right through me. Saw through my dissembling, my evations, saw the things I didn't want to admit to. They are non-binary and have thus been through this exact process not long ago. (And they've also been on TikTok and other queer social media spaces for years.) So they have those words that I was missing. For example: Gender crisis. That is: A sudden / abrupt /unexpected questioning of one's gender. I'm having a gender crisis. 

Yesterday, I went to a store that sell men's clothing, and I tried on parts of a suit. And whilst I couldn't make it fit properly, I still LOVED how I looked in a man's shirt from the mid chest up. I felt powerful, I felt beautiful, I felt sexy.. Sexier than I've felt in women's clothing in a long, long, long time. I looked myself in the mirror, at it looked RIGHT. I looked in a way I WANTED to look. And that's gender euphoria, Foodie told me. 

My immediate reaction was to completely dismiss this. Gender euphoria (the opposite of dysphoria) is something trans people experience, not cis p.... oh.. right. Damn. I'm not cis. And therefore, by definition, I am trans... And THAT idea is going to take me a long fucking while to get comfortable with. "Genderqueer", "genderfluid", these are terms I've been batting around in my head for a couple of days.. I won't say they feel comfortable, but at least they don't feel completely foreign. "Non-binary" is a term I'm even less comfortable with. I don't really know why NB would be harder than genderqueer, but it is. "Trans", though.. That's.. Hard. 

Why? I think it's like with the term "bisexual". I feel like I don't "deserve" it. Because I can pass as cis, because I'm not interested in doing any sort of medical transition, because I'm not a transman.. Because I feel I have it really easy, compared to all those people out there who struggle with discrimination, crippling dysphoria, harassment and other issues. So basically, I don't feel I have a right to the term "trans", because someone else out there are worse off than I am... 

.... Yeah, that doesn't really make sense. Trans is the opposite of cis. If you don't feel like the gender you were assigned at birth, you're trans. Period.

.... It's still really difficult, though. I can't logic this. My emotions won't let me. 

Weird reaction

Went to a party today and played with Foodie again. They're sexy, wonderfully responsive and fun to play with. They required (asked for) more impact play today, but I struggled to find that sweet spot between pleasure and pain. I couldn't read them well enough. I suspect that's partly because I don't know them that well yet, and partly because there's other aspects than just the pain threshold in play. For example, they're distracted by people around us, they feel shy, they don't know me that well etc.

Anyhow, it was fun and I hope to play more with them sometime. We also cuddled a lot, which was wonderful. I'm still feeling touch starved, despite cuddling tons with Arthur not that long ago. 

They also managed to sort of trigger my submissive side much later in the evening, which COMPLETELY baffled me. That just doesn't happen! Might be a "remnant" from my weekend with Arthur, we didn't play nearly as much as I'd hoped for... So I'm still in a more "subby" headspace.. But still.. I'm pretty flabbergasted. Might be because I feel sort of safe with them, so unlike how I typically feel around cishet men.. I think their queerness helps... Not sure.

Anyhow, I have enough on my plate right now. However much I might long to find someone local to explore my submissive side with.. There's just too much else going on. I don't want to be in that headspace right now. So no. This weirdness just can't have priority right now. 

Fuck it, guess I'm queer (aka "What am I? (part 3)")

Just after writing those two previous posts (read those first! Part 1 here and part 2 here), I took at look at what other posts in this blog I'd tagged with the label "queer". Because the label was already there, so I had to have used it here before.. 

Well, there was one post. From almost exactly 10 years ago (juli 2011). In that post I wrote about my issues with the word "queer" and why I felt it didn't fit me at all, even though I fit the technical definition of the term... And.. well.. Read what I wrote, and laugh: 

"You see, when I hear the word "queer", this is what I see in my mind:

A woman with very short hair, wearing men's clothing. Perhaps suspenders. Perhaps also a tie, or maybe a palestine-checkered scarf. One who's entire look screams "lesbian" and "political". One who gets all worked up if someone talks of men and woman as a dichotomy, despite this dichotomy being the foundation upon which our entire society and culture is built. (I'm not saying that's a good thing, nor am I saying it's bad to try to change it. I'm just saying that if you're going to get mad every single time, you will spend most of the day, every day, being mad.) I see someone with a long of anger and righteous indignation. One who's burns for a topic and wants to change the world. One who's read too many books written for (and about) so-called queer people (meaning homosexuals, mainly) and who knows too many theories. One who demands that you care about this as much as her, because it's important. One who keeps saying that the fight for equal rights is far from over.

I could go on and on, but you get the idea. I'm not saying that this woman is bad, or wrong. I think it's great that someone wants to stand on the barricades and fight the fight, so that most of us don't have to. She's like a suffragette, or like a woman burning her bra in the 70ies. She's an icon. She's fighting the good fight......... She just isn't me."

So yeah... By my own definition, I'm queer. I'm BLATANTLY, OBVIOUSLY queer. 

Damn, things have changed in 10 years. 

Haha. Fine! Queer it is then!

What am I? (part 2)

 If you haven't read part one yet, I suggest you go do that first.

Another thing I realised, while binge-watching blacksuitblonde TikTok videos, was that not only am I attracted to them.. I want to BE them. No, not be them as in take over their life. But be them as in look like them. I want that style, that confidence, that sex appeal, those clothes. 

I cut my hair super short in the summer of 2018. At the time, I blamed it on it being really, really hot, and I had a 6 months old kid who kept pulling my hair. Also, showering and drying my long hair took ages, and as a new mom I just didn't have that much time. So the short hair was practical. 

Since then, I've kept it short. And I've felt a strong need to justify it, both to myself and others. "Because I like it", just hasn't felt like enough. I felt like I was encroaching on "lesbian territory" with this look, and felt a need to explain that I wasn't a lesbian.. I told people that taking on traditionally masculine style elements, like a "man's haircut", was a way to portray myself as strong, competent and confident. That I wanted to take advantage of the cultural stereotypes we have concerning feminine and masculine, and use those stereotypes to my advantage. 

And that's all true! HOWEVER, I've realised it's not ALL of the truth. Because what do I mean by all this, really..? 

.....

I stopped writing here and took a break. Not sure if I don't know what to say, or if I'm just terrified. 

I've realised one thing, though.. Once I'm done losing weight and have stabilized it for a while, I'd love to shop men's wear. Specifically, I'd like a dress shirt and a vest. I want to look smart, I want to look sexy. I want to look like a woman, but a more masculine, stronger woman. Does that mean I'll stop wearing dresses and such? No. I don't think so. But I'll have more options. 

And no, this isn't just about clothes.. Although clothes / style /appearance is a big and very obvious part of it. There's a lot more to unpack here, but I feel my mind shying away from it all. Clothes is a lot more concrete, easier to focus on. 

What am I, though..? Am I still cis? Or have my looooong standing interest in the lgbt+ world really just been a.. I don't know.. A cover? Like I'm not just trying to be a good ally, I'm.. I don't know.. Trying to be.. Me? I've been fascinated with lgbt+ since in my early teens, when I first started reading novels about gay and lesbian people. Was that all... A sign of something? 

What am I? Non-binary? Genderfluid? Queer? And if I'm not "just" a woman.. What will that mean to the people who love me or who find me sexy? Am I even ready to give up the label of "woman"? Will I ever be ready to do that? 

I don't know. Somehow, THIS realisation felt a lot heavier and more.. Difficult.. than the one in part 1 about sexual attraction. Who I want to fuck isn't as tricky to wrap my head around as who I AM. 

I'm 35 years old, and I no longer know what my gender identity is. Shit. I need to think about this. I.. Just don't know. 

Unexpectedly, there's also a part 3. Read on.

What am I? (part 1)

Back when I was in my late teens, I used to say that I was bisexual. I still had a strong preference for men, but I could get sexually (though never romantically) attracted to women. I had sex with a couple of women, and a handful of threesomes (two women, one man). Then in my early 20ies I gradually lost interest in women. I thought I might not have been bisexual at all, just curious about the "taboo" of fucking someone of my own gender. 

Since then, I've been joking that I wish I was bisexual because then I'd have "twice as many options" when it came to partners. That maybe people should pray for me to change my gender preferences... (Since some people apparently believes that you can pray the gay away, it should logically work the other way too...) But I've remained overwhelmingly attracted to men, and even a specific type of men (bearded, chubby, geeky). 

That first started changing about 5 or 6 years ago. I didn't understand it back then, but there was this (probably lesbian, if I'm judging by appearance alone) woman working in a nearby grocery store that I was super fascinated with... Aka attracted to. There was also Daisy, whom I've mentioned once or twice before, in the BDSM scene in Norway... I didn't realise at the time what those feelings were, but looking back it's pretty obvious... 

One evening at the BDSM club in Oslo, another person appeared that I felt super attracted to. Another woman. I ended up doing some (pretty casual) bondage on her, and that SHOULDN'T have mattered much to me.. I play with random, new people all the time.. But it did. I realised then that this was... Something. That I wasn't JUST straight anymore. But since I wasn't attracted to 99,9% of all women I saw, I pushed it down.. Refused to take in what those feelings of mine actually meant. 

Then there's been a couple of celebrities who've triggered those same feelings.. Namely Brie Larson and (to a slightly lesser degree) Ruby Rose. So I'd say things like "I'm theoretically bisexual, since there's a few women out there I'm attracted to, but mainly I'm into men so I call myself straight". 

Then came the nail in the coffin: This other day I installed TokTok, and I stumbled upon a user called blacksuitblonde. They're non-binary/genderfluid and use both "they" and "she" pronouns. And they are GORGEOUS. And yeah, esthetically too, obviously. But also gorgeous as in "I want to fuck them". And after watching like 15 of their videos and loving each and every one, I really realised.. I'm not straight!

No, I'm not attracted to all women.. But I sure as hell aren't attracted to all guys either. I have a very specific "type" when I look at men and masc people (like previously mentioned: bearded, chubby, geeky). I must allow myself to have a "type" when I look at women too... And what is that type, you ask? It's basically short hair and typically masculine clothing/style elements. It was particularly noticeable in Brie Larson's portrayal of Captain Marvel. 

• With long hair: Just like any other woman, not attracted to her at all. 
• With short hair: Boom! Super hot!

I don't know if my esthetic preferences also include "slim" or "fit", but so far all the women I've felt attracted to have been. I suspect "slim" isn't really a part of it. I think I could be attracted to people of any size. 

Also: The more I think about this, the more I remember being attracted to other short haired women too. Like a friend who's got a kid close to my eldest kid's age... Short hair, fit, sort of casually masculine but still obviously a woman.. Yeah, she's super hot.

I have no idea what this means in therms of my orientation, though.. Am I bisexual (again)? Am I pan? Am I simply queer, and fuck all the other lables..? I don't know.. 

Also, there's a "part 2" to this post, so keep reading.  

Gentle cock-sucking D/s

Although we really had the deck stacked against us this weekend, and a lot of stuff DIDN'T work out, I still had a really good time with Arthur. First of all, we did A LOT of cuddling. That bit was wonderful, it's something I've been craving and it was just wonderful to be touched by another human being. Someone I know and trust and want. We cuddled in bed, on the couch, in the shower, and he even held me when we were out and about. At times, he also made me feel really desired, and that's also something I've been missing a lot. For those reasons alone, the weekend was worth it. 

We played with some very, very light bondage. I "tricked" him into playing with me a bit, under the guise of teaching him a few basic rope techniques. He saw my reactions when my hands were tied, and got inspired to play with me a bit more. He didn't have the mental stamina to do more than the shortest bursts, but that was a lot better than nothing.

I also had him try spanking me, using both his hand and various implements. There was no real play there, just a very technical "show&tell", but it was important to have it done. I know he finds the idea of hitting someone really difficult and scary, so I'm very happy he was willing to try it out. I have no idea whether spanking will ever be a significant part of our dynamic, but at least he's tried it now. And it didn't harm either of us, so maybe he'll be less afraid next time. 

The three best sessions we had this weekend, were all on the couch and all involved me sucking his dick. Damn, I love sucking dick! It's practically a fetish of mine. The first time, he came in my mouth and I swallowed his entire load. That's something I haven't done since I was a teenager. I don't particularly like it, and I gaged once trying to get it down.. So in itself, that's not an amazing experince. But it was still awesome because: 

1. The pure feeling of accomplishment. I hadn't done it in so long, I know I don't particularly enjoy it, and yet I was able to do it. That felt like a win. 
2. He wanted me to. He had such a hard time expressing that desire a couple of months ago, so it was particularly important for me to do my best to please him. We'd talked about it beforehand and the idea really turned me on. Also: He almost never makes any sounds, but he did then.. So that orgasm must have been unusually good. That made me happy too. 

It was his third orgasm of the day, so both in terms of quantity and fluidity it could have been a lot worse. Still, even though it was fun to have done it, it's not something I want to do again on my own accord (if he gets me properly into "sub mode" and makes me... now that might still work). 

The second best session was pretty much the same as the previous one, except he came on my face. That's also something we've talked about beforehand, and he said he really wanted. I had to specifically ask for it, almost nag, and the angle wasn't great (he was sitting to low in comparison to me, so my face was above his crotch). Those two things subtracted a bit from the experience. But over all, it was awesome. The best part was his reaction to it all. This combination of desire, amazement and glee was wonderful to experience. I hope we can do that again (preferably seated /lying / standing in some other way) many times. 

The very best session obviously also involved sucking his dick on the couch. I was seated at his feet like in the previous two sessions I mentioned. This time, his orgasm wasn't the point. The point was communication, submission and just enjoying his dick tremendously. He enjoys pushing my head down so his dick gets further and further into my mouth and throat. When he wants to get rough, I use my hand as a "stopper" around the base, so the dick doesn't get too far in. I don't enjoy gagging. However, we both really enjoy playing with control. 

So if I remove my hands completely, his hand on the back of my head is the only thing that really controls how deep and for how long I've got his dick in my throat. That excites me. It takes so much trust, and an immense amount of control from him... But it works. He's gentle, he lets me work on relaxing my throat so I don't start clenching up, and he's really good at reading my signals for when I need to get up. It felt really amazing that our communication during that session was both super subtle and perfectly in tune. It felt as though he was reading my mind, and he claims it felt like I was reading his as well. 

We did something similar last time, though not with such perfect non-verbal communication.. However, this time he also added his other hand. I got one hand on the back of my head pushing me gently down... And I got his other hand gently grabbing my throat just under my chin. And O.M.G. that was nice. Not only does it make me really turned on all by itself, but it also made me relax more.. That hand on my throat told me, in no uncertain terms, that I wasn't the one in charge. And for perhaps the first time in well over 15 years, I managed to relax into that feeling and just... be. Just float. THAT was glorious. Thanks to that hand, I was also able to relax my throat even more, getting him a few more millimeters in than I did without his hand there. And I want to do it again. I want more!

Also, he called me a good girl.. I hadn't expected it to work, but it really did. I want more of that as well. I want to please him. I want to make him proud. I want to be good, for him.

Having the deck stacked against us

I've just had another weekend at a hotel with Arthur. And to my surprise, I don't really have a ton of stuff to write or angst about. Probably because we didn't really push my limits much at all. There's definitely difficult stuff that happened, and it's good for me to write about these things. But if I hadn't, I think I would have been able to shake it off anyway. At least in a few days. I'll write about the shitty stuff here, and then the positive / sexy stuff in the next post.

To start: We had almost the worst possible circumstances. He is struggling with a pretty serious depression, and is experiencing a lot of mental fatigue among other things. He's also got something we suspect might be a UTI (or a kidney stone?). I've managed to contract pneumonia on top of a bad cold, and my period began well over a week early. So in terms of physical and mental well-being, we were already in the negative before we even met up. 

We'd talked a lot in the months leading up to this, detailing things we'd like to experience with each other, talking about things that turned us on, and generally laying plans.. However, because of his mental fatigue, Arthur had forgotten practically everything we'd talked about. He remembered when I brought it up specifically, but I didn't do that until Sunday evening. So I spent most of the weekend waiting for him to initiate play he didn't remember that we'd even discussed... Logically, that resulted in miscommunication and hurt feelings all around. I felt rejected and ignored on and off up until then.

Late Sunday we finally tried playing with my ass, for example. And although I REALLY enjoyed two fingers into me, and probably could have orgasmed from that if we'd kept it up (and added a vibrator to my clit).. Adding a third finger didn't work at all. I got micro-tearing that felt like papercuts, and we just had to stop. If we'd worked on my ass all weekend, maybe using a butt plug over time or simply gentle repeated sessions, MAYBE we could have gotten further... But with that little time, and all the mental stress and anguish, my body just didn't want to cooperate.

And speaking of my body working against us: The dilation I'd been working on simply hadn't been sufficient. I couldn't get his dick in without pain. I can get my small vibrator (Stubby) in just fine, but his dick is really big. So I just couldn't. 

I tried to handle this myself (since he clearly wasn't really interested in me, or so I thought), but got really stressed out. That made me less horny and more tense, resulting in (you guessed it) an even harder time getting him into me. I asked for his help, because I suspected that his fingers could do what my vibrators couldn't.. But he didn't respond to that request at all, and I felt really, really rejected. During our talk Sunday night, he claimed that it simply hadn't registered with him (even though he remembered me saying it), due to his mental fatigue.

So late Sunday night, I finally got the help I wanted. And it DID help, a bit, enough that I managed to get his (definitely not rock hard or fully erect) dick into me. So a lot better than nothing, certainly, but a far cry from what I really wanted or needed. 

I feel like my pussy is.. Defective somehow. It's not working the way it's supposed to, and that worries me a lot.. It might be another 6 months before I have sex again... What will happen to my pussy in the meantime? How much of this is physiological (due to lichen sclerosus) and how much is psychological (due to feeling rejected, worrying etc)? I don't know. 

Blatant hints

I've always been very sensitive to rejections. Especially rejections of a social or sexual nature. This is probably due to the bullying I received as a child, being treated as a social pariah. In a sexual/kink context, this means that I can be VERY frank and explicit in my flirting, but I'm often unable to take that last step and actually invite someone to play or ask someone if they want to do anything more than flirt. (At least if it's something I really want. If I don't really care about it, have very little invested in it, I don't have the same issue at all.)

At a BDSM party that mean that I'll seek out the guys who seem interested in being submissive. I'll chat, I'll flirt, I'll show off my ropes or my equipment, I'll talk about my experience and about how much I enjoy playing with new/random guys... I'll put rope on the table and loudly call it "bait".. But actually asking them "can I tie you up?" or "would you like to play?"... That's almost impossible for me. In stead, I make my wishes blatantly obvious and wait for the guys to take that last vital step. Why? Because if I don't ask, I can't be rejected.

Usually, this works well enough. It often takes a bit longer than I would like, but eventually SOME guy will get brave enough to actually ask. Usually... Sometimes, however, they never get brave enough.. Or maybe they just don't get the hint.. Or maybe they genuinely don't want to play with me. Like at the BDSM-party this other weekend.. At some point, I'm having that "I want to play with someone" talk with THREE submissive, apparently single, apparently pretty new and desperate guys... And yet NO ONE actually volunteers. 

And when they don't, I'm stumped. Because they might just genuinely not want me, and that's perfectly ok. I just don't know if they've made that conscious decision, or if they're simply completely unable to get my blatant hints... So I don't know if I, by asking, will be rectifying the situation.. Or set myself up for an almost certain rejection. 

The result at the party, was that I gave up on them and found someone else (Foodie, mentioned in my previous post). I'd tried hinting to Foodie earlier in the evening, but didn't really get to be as clear as I usually am (they were involved in a different conversation most of the time). For some reason, asking Foodie to play when I went back that second time wasn't as scary as asking those three guys... Not sure why.. Maybe because the evening was drawing to a close, and I felt more desperate..? Or maybe because I hadn't BEEN as clear with them as with those three guys, so they hadn't yet had the opportunity to thoroughly ignore my hints.. I don't know.

I've tried giving blatant hints to Arthur as well, and even telling him pretty outright what I want. Yet when he's too tired or otherwise mentally "off", what I say doesn't really register at all. It's like he's in a mental fog of some sort.. But I don't think these other guys can blame any similar affliction (though of course, I can't know that for sure). 

In conclusion: I suck at asking directly for what I want, when there's a chance I can be rejected... But damn, guys REALLY suck at taking hints too.

Timing and aftercare

I went to a bdsm party at a private apartment tonight. I only knew a couple of people, none of them submissive, but I still went with the intent to play. I searched the whole night for a likely subject, but it wasn't until 10.30pm someone took the bait. I knew I had to leave at midnight, and to get negotiations, play and aftercare done in 1,5 hours would be tight.. But I decided to risk it. That turned out to be the right call, but as expected there were some consequences too.

Tonight's subject was cute, geeky, awkward, fairly inexperienced, bearded, chubby, mentally somewhat unstable... In short, they were just my type (for good and bad). Whilst they were fairly male-presenting, they told me they were non-binary and uncomfortable with strongly gendered phrases like "good boy" used during play. So whilst I don't know their pronouns for sure, I'm defaulting to they/them just to be on the safe side. I'm naming them Foodie.

We played in the corner of a room while someone else played in the same room. That was distracting for both of us, but we managed. They didn't have much experience and seemed super nervous, so I wasn't sure how well we'd communicate during play.. But that was absolutely no problem at all. They grew almost completely non-verbal, but through body langue and signs, communications still flowed really well. 

I managed to discover some of their major kinks, and they ended up in a little, shivering ball on the floor in the end. They also went into "sub mode" very quickly, but I didn't dare letting them get really deep. I kept stopping us both, taking short breaks, so they wouldn't go down too far. I think they'd prefer fewer interruptions so they could go deeper into sub mode, but I felt responsible for their safety and didn't dare let them slip too far away from me. I know they have trust issues, but trusting me didn't seem to be much of a problem for them. At least not for the things we did tonight.

I stopped our session with still almost 30 minutes to go. I gave them 10 minutes to get somewhat coherent and out if sub space, and then another 10 minutes of careful chatting, petting and untying rope. By then, there was less than 10 minutes left. Just enough to exchange a few hugs and make them promise to message me when they get home. This means we got approximately 20 minutes of talk/negotiation, 40 minutes play and 30 minutes aftercare.. 

But that just ISN'T enough aftercare. I HATE having to leave someone like that. Not just for them, but for me. I want to talk through the session with them, while it's still super fresh. I want to help them land. I want to make sure they're ok. Not being able to take care of the other person... Even though they're probably fine and have no problem handling this... I hate it.

Still, even with that ending it was worth it. I had fun. I think they had fun. I'd love to play with them again at some other party.