Santa's cock

 I stumbled across this picture on the internet yesterday, and I can't get it out of my head. 

Source: TheDamnThinGuy

Why do I keep thinking about a semi-pornographic drawing of Santa? Because of his dick. Gods, I miss sucking cock. I miss having a hard, eager cock against my lips, feeling it fill my mouth, burying my face in their crotch, breathing in their smell, feeling it swell and harden further, drawing it slowly out before diving back in, working my tongue over the head, hearing them groan and sigh.. I just.. I love sucking cock. 

I haven't sucked a cock since Arthur was here last. I miss it. I want it. His or someone else's, I don't really care right now. I just want cock. 

Lost my place

I've been a part of the Norwegian BDSM scene for the last 18 years. (Ok, I've been out of it for a few years, because of kids.. But still.) About 90% of that time, I've been solely in the dominant role, even though I'm really a switch. I've been outspoken, clear, teaching others, showing off, and been very, very comfortable in that role. I've also always been a woman.

As a dominant woman in the kink scene, I've always been in high demand. That demand has given me certain privileges: I know I can enter almost any kink event and find willing play partners. I know people will listen to me when I say something. I know I can be aggressively flirtatious without coming off as creepy or threatening, because women very rarely are perceived that way. I know my space, and I've always enjoyed it.

In realizing that I'm not really a woman at all, I also feel like I'm not sure where I belong in the kink community anymore. The role of a dominant woman was very, very comfortable. Well known. Safe. Privileged. In loosing that, I wonder how I will fit into a social kink dynamic. Will dressing masculine, but being read as a woman, enhance my dominance..? Probably. But I'll also probably read as a butch lesbian, so I'll scare some guys off. If I ever get to start testosterone and gain a more androgynous appearance, will how other interact with me change? 

The Norwegian kink scene, at least the parts where I've been, are predominantly white and straight. Sure, there are some queer people, as well as the occational poc... But very rarely have I seen men playing with each other. Dominant men hunt for female partners at "my kind" of kink events.. Not male. So.. If I ever get to that point, should I start seeking out more actively queer kink spaces? Gay kink spaces? I have no idea how that works, or how I'd even find them.. And really no idea if they'd accept me. 

Bah, this is all very theoretical anyway. At the moment I'm being read as a woman, no matter how masculine I dress. So it's a moot point, for now. But it's food for thought, that's for sure.. Who am I going to be, in the kink community? How will my role in the social dynamic change? I don't know yet. And the unknown is scary.

More about transphobia

I keep listening to the podcast Trans Norge. I'm not listening in order, rather picking episodes that seem interesting somewhat of a whim. For each episode I learn new stuff or have new revelations about queerness, "transness" (is that a word?) and our society. This podcast should be obligatory for every new queer person (and really, for everyone). Unfortunately for my international readers, it's only in Norwegian. 

The episode I listened to today was about transphobia. I've written about transphobia before, but today it feels like I've reached another level of enlightenment on this subject. So it warrants another blog post. 

Because what IS transphobia, really? 

It's the belief that being trans is somehow LESS than being cis. Less desirable, less valid, or that it's somehow damaging or contagious. That trans people shouldn't be permitted to reproduce. That if someone beat you up because you're trans, the "you were trans" is a valid excuse. Let's imagine that being trans WAS "contagious", in the sense that hanging out with trans people, speaking with trans people, could make you trans... Why is that a bad thing? It's all transphobia.

In the podcast they compared it to homophobia or sexism, explaining that the discourse in Norwegian society has gotten further on those two areas than on transphobia. People who call out misgendering or other disrespect as transphobia, get told they shouldn't use that term.. Because it's not violent or aggressive. Yet imagine if a man walked around his workplace, treating all women as inferior to men, and very clearly disrespecting them and their opinions.. Most people would be able to see that and call it sexism. Misogynism. The same thing happens to trans people all the time, in the media, in the workplace, at home in family gatherings.. And yet calling people out for being transphobic makes them super defensive and angry, and cis people flock to their defense. 

There's also a super strong pressure to conform, at least here in Norway. Everyone should be like everyone else, dress like everyone else, talk like everyone else. Research has shown that Norway has very strict social norms (much stricter than say UK or Netherlands for example), and if you deviate you're punished for it. This also affects trans people, in that only the gender binary is really permitted to exist. Anyone who deviates from the gender norm gets punished, not only socially but also in their access to (often life-saving) treatment. 

The treatment system for trans people in Norway is extremely binary and there's lots of gatekeeping. (For example they don't recognize non-binary people at all.) If you want treatment from the National Treatment Service in charge of trans issues, you need to "do" gender as someone out of the 1950ies (or 1850ies..). A trans woman wearing pants instead of a dress/skirt, might be rejected for not being "sufficiently womanly" for example. You also have to enthusiastically desire all the treatment they have to offer, in an all-or-nothing kind of deal. So if you are a trans man and wish to keep your vulva the way it is, you may be rejected because you aren't "man enough". They claim to do this to avoid wrongful treatment of people who weren't "really" trans after all. They claim they're protecting us.

But try to replace the minority with the majority is this image... Does it still seem reasonable? 

Imagine a 16 year old boy who was born with gynecomastia, a disorder where boys start developing breasts during puberty... No one would question his desire to get those breasts removed. No one would question his ability to make that decision for himself, even though such major surgery always involves certain risks. Everyone would understand that a 16 year old boy would find developing breasts to be traumatic... (or, if you balk at the fact that he's under 18, make him 18 years old then. The example is valid anyway.)

And yet if that 16 year old (or 18 year old, if you want) boy was a trans boy, who started developing breasts because he's going through a female puberty.. A lot of questions would be asked about his ability to make decisions, his ability to understand risk, his desire to have the breasts removed, and the trauma he's going through would be ignored or disregarded. 

Why this difference in treatment? Transphobia.

"But what if the trans person regrets their decision to transition?" you ask. "What if they were really cis!" Yes well, what then..? First of all, it's a proven fact that only a miniscule number of people choose to de-transition, and go back to the gender they were assigned at birth. 

Secondly, many of those who regret their transitions, regrets being pushed into a gender-binary understanding how how to "do" trans. They aren't "really cis", they're actually non-binary. They would have been happier with a less invasive/drastic transition, for example only having hormones but no surgeries, or only breast surgery and not touching the genitals. Alternatively, they are trans, but regret their transition because they don't pass as a cis person in society, or because they've had problems after surgeries so their bodies don't work the way they wanted to. This means they still experience discrimination, or they have significant health problems etc. They're still trans, though. 

Third: Ok, some very few cis people might discover that they weren't trans after all. And that's sad. But how many HUNDREDS of trans people get denied treatment, because of that fear? How many hundreds of lives get significantly worse, mentally and physically, because of this fear of "regret"? What's worse: One cis person regretting starting hormones or getting surgery, or 10, 20, or 100 trans people who kill themselves because they can't face overwhelming dysphoria and are refused life saving treatment? Why do we value the cis person's comfort higher than the lives of trans people?

Also: Cis people can do a lot of stupid shit without anyone gatekeeping them or seriously questioning their sanity. They can get tattoos in very unflattering places. They can get a one-way-ticket to tibet and decide to become a monk. They can take up loans and ruin themselves financially. They can go base jumping. In fact, as long as I pass for a woman and my passport has an F in it, I can walk into a plastic surgery clinic and get a breast augmentation that same week (assuming I had the money to pay for it). Yet someone who doesn't pass as a woman, who's got an M in their passport, will be denied the same service. Why? Transphobia. I can't see any other reasonable explanation. 

Can you?

All about the clit

I've read extensively about testosterone (often called T in the trans community) these last few weeks, and it's definitely something I want. However, even if I was given hormones today (not bloody likely, that's quite a process), I couldn't take them. Why? 

Well, it's all about the clit. 

You see, on testosterone the clit becomes bigger. For some there's only a slight visible change, for others it can almost look like a downwards-pointing micro penis. For most trans people this isn't a problem. On the contrary, many desire this change. So do I, as my clit is tiny. I'd love for it to become more "normal" sized at least, and don't mind if it gets bigger than that. But for me, "bottom growth" (as it's called) would be a big problem, because my clit is completely covered. The hood as fused. I'm sure you can imagine: What happens if tissue tries to grow, and there isn't anywhere for it to expand..? Pain, that's what. And most likely lots of it. 

Since I don't want that, there's only two solutions: Don't ever take T.. Or get my clit hood surgically opened. That last solution is what I'm hoping for. 

I saw my gynecologist this week, and asked her to refer me to the hospital for that surgery. Not only did she not know that this surgery existed, apparently, she also refused to refer me. In stead, she's referred me to a dermatologist at the hospital, and then THEY can hopefully do and assessment and refer me to surgery. But everything in the public health system takes time, especially when this isn't "urgent". So that probably means several months to wait for an appointment with a dermatologist, and then several more months to wait for surgery. And then stuff needs to heal. 

That means AT BEST, I'd be done with that process sometime in 2022. At best. And to walk around with untreated gender dysphoria for that long.. All because of a stupid clit and stupid lichen sclerosus.. That's disheartening, to say the least.

If by magic..

I'm currently listening to a podcast called Trans Norge, a Norwegian podcast made by trans people. In the episode called "Am I trans?" the host, Luca, asks a question to make you think: 

Imagine that you, by magic, could change your body, the way people read you, talk about you, and react to you. These magic changes get NO reactions from anyone, neither positive nor negative, it just happens overnight and no one remembers that it's ever been differently.. How would the world have looked? Who would you have been? What kind of body would you have had? How would people see you and talk about you?

In answering that question, you answer who you ARE. Regardless of your fears concerning other people and the society around you. 

So if I could do magic, what would I be? How would I look?

I'd keep my lips, my eyes, my hair, my hands, the sensitivity of my nipples, my vulva (free of lichen sclerosus, thank you!), my experience in kink, my turn-ons, my capacity for love. And I'd probably throw out the rest. Ideally, I'd be able to change my body and face at will. One day ultra masculine, one day androgynous, one day leaning somewhat feminine (but never again a "pure" woman). 

I'd be more healthy, more fit, but not really thin. And maybe 4-5cm taller. I don't want boobs (though I like the nipples, as previously stated). I'd love to be able to grow a beard, if I wanted one. And to walk topless in summer without anyone staring. I'd have a slightly lower voice, but my voice is already almost androgynous, so it doesn't have that far to go. I don't really want a dick, strap-ons are substitute enough. And like I said, I like my vulva. And my vagina. However, I wouldn't have periods, ever again. Damn, I'm so sick of them!

I'd be seen as a sort of man whenever I wanted, and as a suitably ambiguous and androgynous when that was my mood. 

So yeah.. That's what would happen if I could use magic. What would happen to you?

Out

I realized I wasn't a woman on 14th of October. 

I changed my gender on Fetlife on the 30th of October. 

Through November I told a few friends, as well as posted about it on an online forum where I spend a lot of time. I also joined several Discord servers and did a lot of research.

Yesterday I told my parents, siblings, and the ex-inlaw family. And I told my boss at work. 

Today, I told the world: I made a post about it on Facebook. I wrote that I'm non-binary and use they/them pronouns. 

So now I'm out. That was step 1.

Even when alone

Last post was a bit of a paradox. I started out claiming that I no longer doubted if I was trans, and ended by wondering if I might just be brainwashing myself into this... So yeah, I obviously still have doubts. 

I took my pondering (basically a copy/paste of that "what if I'm brainwashing myself"- paragraph) to three different trans-related Discord servers (one international for all transpeople, one for all Scandinavian transpeople, and one international for transmasc only). Luckily, all three places took me seriously. They didn't laugh, and more importantly they didn't get offended or defensive about it. Several said they'd experienced similar thoughts, and all of them gave good and thoughtful advice. (Giving me more faith in humanity, to be honest. There's a lot of decent people out there.)

I got several good arguments for why this was nothing like a cult or flat-earthers or similar. The two that stuck most with me were: 

1. There's no trans agenda. The people I talk with online, don't gain anything from me being trans. They have no interest in "converting" me, or anyone else. 

2. Even when alone (especially when alone), not talking to anyone and not seen by anyone, I feel trans. I get these sudden revelations of "oh, so THAT'S why...!", or I get bursts of gender euphoria from wearing masculine clothing or trying out a particular Snapchat filter. No one is doing that TO me, no one is seeing me or interacting with me. It doesn't gain me anything, I can't even use it to gain any significant amount of social standing. 

In addition, if I try to ignore it.. It won't go away. I'll keep having a vague feeling of something being "off". Something slightly wrong. I've ignored that feeling for years and years, I could easily continue to ignore it.. After all, the familiar is a lot less scary than the unknown, and I've lived in oblivion for over 35 years.. However, these bursts of euphoria give me hope that the unknown... It might be better than the known. It's like bursts of light in a dark cave... A huge change, but hopefully a good one. 

More trans

Remember in mid October when I worried that I wasn't "trans enough"? Lol, yeah, so I was both sort of right and really wrong. Wrong, because I'm definitely trans. I don't doubt that (though I'm sure doubt will come crawling back at some point). Also I was sort of right, because if we imagine that you're somehow "more trans" the further away you are from your assigned gender, then... I turned out to be a lot more trans than I thought in mid October. 

(Now that notion in itself, that you can somehow be "more" or "less" trans, is silly. It's actually inherently transphobic, because it uses someone's assigned cisgender as a benchmark and puts genders on a sort of linear scale. But anyhow, the feeling is there, so I'll still use it to explain my point.)

Back then I thought that I wasn't "only a woman". My chosen pronouns in the first trans-related Discord server I joined, was "she/they". As if my identity went from "woman" to "woman+". "Woman" was still a very strong part of my identity, and that's not so strange. It was all I knew for the first 35 years, 9 months and 25 days of my life (give or take.. I probably didn't have much conscious thought about my own gender as an infant). Of course it was hard to let that go. 

But the song that really struck a cord in me.. It's about a boy... And.. From a young age, I've always been intensely fascinated by gay men. I love gay porn, both visual and written, and yeah I always thought that was because I prefered to sexualize the male body (instead of the female body like in mainstream porn). Since I've always been primarily attracted to men.. But it's more than that.. I've read a lot of novels and short stories about gay or bisexual men. I love reading "coming out stories" or stories about overcoming, written from a gay man's perspective...

When explaining my gender to people online these past few weeks, I've placed myself "slightly on the masculine side of androgynous". So certain not just "woman plus"... I've also been reading up on a lot of transmasc stuff these last few weeks. Stuff relating to testosterone treatment, mainly. I'm curious how it would affect lichen sclerosus (the skin disease I've got), I'm curious how it would affect lipoedema (a fat disease, where fatty deposits on the legs just don't go away. It almost exclusively affects women). 

The egg finally cracked two nights ago, when I saw a gif of two (really good looking) men kissing. My first thought was "damn, that's hot". My second thought was "I wonder what it would be like to BE one of them". Gender envy. The classic "do I want to fuck them or be them"-sort of thing. 

That night, I tried a masculating filter on Snapchat. And sure, a Snapchat filter is far from reality but.. Damn, I looked really good with a broader jaw and a bit of stubble. Sexy as fuck, actually. Looking at that manipulated image of myself gave me a good dose of gender euphoria. 

So am I a man, then? A transman? I don't know. I don't think so. I think I still belong in the nonbinary category, but I would place myself a lot further towards the masculine side than I first thought. I've joined a transmasc server on Discord, and a lot of people there have stories that really resonate with my own. It feels more right to me than the colorful, genderblending chaos that is often seen as "real nonbinary".

Of course, there's a voice in the back of my head worrying if I'm basically brainwashing myself. After all, isn't this how depressed, uncertain, religious people get radicalized online? Isn't this how someone who used to only be slightly alternative, suddenly starts to believe that the earth is flat? They do a lot of googling, chat almost exclusively with people who are further down the rabitthole than they are, and feel like they've found a "simple" answer to a very complex set of problems... Is that what I'm doing? Or am I genuinely discovering myself? How would I ever know the difference? 

Is the fact that I'm worrying about this, in itself, a sign that I don't have anything to worry about?