Unmanagable horniness

Since my previous post, I've met Cord twice more. We're getting increasingly comfortable in each other's presence, which is really great. He's demisexual whilst I'm almost hypersexual, so we think and act very differently when it comes to sex and horniness, but with lots of communication it seems like we can make it work. Anyhow the sex is really, really nice now. We've started playing with strap-ons, and it's given us both some really great experiences. It's also given me an excuse to go shopping, so now I own a couple of new (rainbow colored!) dildos.

Another revelation is my growing clitoris. Bottom growth has given me an ACTUAL clitoris head now, not just a tiny seed underneath the skin. The sensitivity has changed too, from direct touch being painful to.. not. It's just nice, now. Really nice. 

Because of that growth, I've now also understood the "point" of Womanizer/Satisfyer type toys. They've always seemed really painful to me, but not anymore. I tried a toy like that at Cord's place, and promptly bought my own (a Satisfyer Pro 2+) the next day. It'll take some getting used to, but so far I really like it. 

On the more casual side, Foodie first disappeared for a couple of weeks and then sent me a message saying they don't want to be anything more than friends. They also unfollowed me on TikTok. I don't really know what that was all about, but it's ok. I want them to be happy. 

Remember that random guy from Grindr that I went on a date with a few weeks ago? He contacted me again, and we met up for a "booty call". Guess I should name him, since I've seen him twice, had sex with him, and will probably see him again sometime... Hmm.. I think I'll name him Student. Anyway, we had sex, which was nice enough, and cuddled a lot. There's no feelings there (not anymore than I get for everyone I'm intimate with, at least), but he's very handy to help handle my growing libido. 

Because yeah, testosterone is giving me an increased libido. I'm almost always horny now, and get spikes of horniness at random points throughout the day. Completely unrelated to what I'm doing or thinking, all of a sudden I feel myself getting physically aroused. It's sort of funny and also a bit annoying. Handling that is not a task that a single partner would be able to manage consistently, so I'm really happy that I'm poly these days. 

Chest dysphoria

Yesterday I tried Transtape. It failed, since it made me more titty than I am without anything. So I removed it after about a day, using plenty of oil and time.. But even so, the skin on my chest was really red and irritated. So I decided to put some lotion on it, to try and soothe it and speed up the healing process. 

So to summarize: I'd spent about a day looking MORE titty than I usually am, about and hour slathering my chest with oil, and then after showering I rubbed it with skin lotion. That's a lot of thinking about, and touching, my chest in one day.

Finally done, it felt like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin, cry in a the corner of a dark room, or jump in a vulcano. I also had an irrational urge to cut my breasts off.

I finally managed to distract myself, thinking I was over it.. But today, my instinct was to put on a binder that I know is too small for me, as a way to punish myself / my body / my boobs.

I managed to resist / compromise with that urge, and am now wearing a racerback gc2b binder. It's got the least amount of coverage, as I want my (still fairly sore) skin to breathe. It feels about half a size smaller than my regular binder, but since loosing weight it shouldn't be actually harmful to wear. Just slightly more uncomfortable / restrictive than my regular ones.

What confuses me is that I've never felt really dysphoric about my breasts in private before. I've felt dysphoric about the way that my body shape makes people perceive me as a woman, but that dysphoria is dependent upon being seen by others. Alone is very different.

I've also had this idea in my head that what I wanted from medical transition was a body with mixed secondary sexual characteristics.. Specifically boobs AND chest hair, dark voice and beard. I thought it would be genderbendy and interesting. Now, I'm not so sure.. And that feels like another gender crisis. Like I'm not sure where I want to go now.

I also am not able to see myself, or even dream of myself, with the body of a man. Face yes, arms and lower legs yes, just not body. The very thought scares me. But I don't know if that means there's so much dysphoria / dissociation that I'm not able to access that part of my mind... Or if I'm just really not trans, and am brainwashing myself.

No, that's not true. I know I'm trans. I just get these doubts anyway. Brainweasels. 

It's just.. I HAVEN'T known since I was a kid, or even a teenager. I haven't always felt like a man inside. I haven't consciously longed for transition. It's all been under the surface, in the subconscious, making it a lot harder to pin down.. And that makes it a lot easier for doubt to creep in too.

My process has been so quick compared to most other people. I only had 5 months and 9 days from egg crack to starting testosterone. It feels RIGHT, it feels really good. I just worry because I don't have those "I always knew I was a man, ever since I was 7" kind of memories / arguments.

And I worry because my dysphoria is obviously developing and getting worse, which hurts and I hate it. And I worry that the dysphoria will push me to transition faster / further than I otherwise would have.. Though of course, that's much of the reason for transitioning: To get away from the dysphoria. 

It's a paradox.. To BOTH write about crippling dysphoria AND doubting whether I'm trans, in the same moment... *shakes head* My mind is just being a jerk. 

Angsty glitter

Fourth date with Cord this weekend, and our first sleepover. We spent about 34 hours together in total. In that time, we talked a lot, cuddled a lot, had some (really nice) sex, made dinners together, showered together, and watched a few episodes of a tv-series.

Among other things, we talked about us and where that "us" is headed. When I started flirting with him, I thought I wanted just casual fun... However, it quickly became obvious to me that my feelings for Cord went a lot deeper than that. Not only am I in love with him, I've started to love him. That's a big deal, I haven't said those words to anyone (other than Saint, of course) for many years. I've told Cord how I feel, and he says he's feeling the same way about me.

On the other hand, this isn't just fun and games. We're both struggling with childhood trauma, anxiety, low self-esteem and gender dysphoria. I also need to keep paying attention to the other people in my life (Saint and our two kids), not getting completely swept up by the NRE. I love them too, after all. 

Also, Cord and I haven't spent THAT much time together yet, so we occasionally misunderstand each other's signals. That can also cause friction. Another aspect of this is that we both struggle to believe and trust in what the other person is saying. For example, I know that I love him, want to keep seeing him, want to be his boyfriend. He SAYS the same words to me, but I struggle to believe them. Just like he struggles to believe me. That's angst getting in the way for us, and while it's annoying, at least we both (sort of) know how it works. 

However, despite all those hurdles in our way, I still feel really happy. Bubbly. I love him, it seems to be reciprocated, and we intend to see each other again. This means that all those scared, scarred parts of us, don't seem as scary after all. As if they're covered in the same bubbly, warm, happy glitter that surrounds everything else these days. That's love. That glitter is love. (I'm so gay. Hahaha.) With love, I have the courage and the motivation to face all the difficult parts. I just really hope he still feels the same way.

Third date

Tonight, I saw Cord again, for the third time in a week. And now I'm writing my third (or is it fourth?) post about him. The last time I wrote this many post about someone in CLOSE to the same time span, was Dane and before him Giant. So it's pretty obvious what's happening here: This is NRE. Wikipedia defines it as: 

"a state of mind experienced at the beginning of sexual and romantic relationships, typically involving heightened emotional and sexual feelings and excitement. NRE begins with the earliest attractions, may grow into full force when mutuality is established, and can fade over months or years. The term indicates contrast to those feelings aroused in an "old" or ongoing relationship."

I knew I was crushing on him during our online conversations following our first date. I was feeling excited, had butterflies in my stomach, and couldn't stop smiling. However, those feelings got dampened a bit because of the overwhelming dysphoria he triggers in me when we meet in real life. Today however, those feelings came back with a vengeance. I started laughing while we were cuddling on the couch, because I realized that I'm definitely falling for this guy. And not just like a mayfly, a spark that disappears into the dark. No, this feels.. More.

I fall a little bit in love with every person that I'm intimate with. I wrote about that back in 2016. And that's true. For example, I definitely feel some sort of love for Foodie. I get some feelings, in that moment, even with people I only play with once. Those feelings might not last through the night, but they're absolutely real while we play. And I still helplessly love Arthur, even though he's been ignoring me for months. I also love Saint, deeply and without reservation, like I have for many years. 

So getting feelings for people isn't new, isn't unusual for me. However, Cord and I "click" on so many levels, have talked so much, and seen each other so often, it's really fanned the flame. It also seems like we're both in a place where we have the time, energy and desire to continue developing this. That's.. Encouraging. 

He's intriguing, beautiful, sexy, intelligent, amusing... I feel mesmerized by him. I want to see him again.. And again... And again. And hopefully, I will. 

A man

At the end of the evening with Cord, we were cuddling and talking in bed. My mind was adrift, still pleasantly tired and numb from the post-orgasmic bliss. We'd just been talking about some guy he's seeing, and in my mind formulated the following sentence: "I wonder what the other guy is like?"

Other. Guy. 

Other. 

Implies I am one, too. 

I never asked that question, too stunned by my own... gender epiphany? gender evolution? gender crisis? Whatever it was, I realized that I now consider myself a man. I've never been comfortable with the term "man" before, nor "guy" or other similarly gendered terms. But now, all of a sudden, I am. 

I'm still non-binary, though. But now, more than ever, the quote from a friend on Discord holds true: "Nonbinary describes my masculinity, not my lack of it."

So there you have me. A nonbinary man.

That's new. 

Embracing discomfort

I discussed the last half of my previous post (the dysphoria half) with trans people at an international trans server on Discord. And they made me see it in a bit of a different light. First of all: It's really common to have dysphoria get worse when interacting with other trans people. Realizing it's not the other person's fault is apparently an important first step. 

They also suggested that by WILLINGLY stepping into these kinds of situations, I take some sort of ownership of them. I'm not a leaf being blown around by dysphoric winds, I'm an agent in (some) control of what happens to me. So interacting with other trans people, specifically with Cord in this case, becomes a form of exposure therapy. By standing in the discomfort for long enough, enduring, welcoming it, the dysphoria will eventually lessen. 

That's the hope, anyway. 

Holding up a mirror

 Lately, I've dated three different people. 

A couple of weeks ago, I saw Foodie again. We had a lovely cuddle date on their bed, talking and petting and making out. They certainly aren't uncomplicated, they describe themselves as "five trauma responses in a trench coat".. However, my interaction with them feels fairly straight forward. I care deeply about them, that's true.. But their masculine body feels familiar and I'm not hesitant when approaching it. 

Earlier this week, I met a guy from Grindr on a coffee date. He's 21 years old (Foodie is 29, by the way), an IT student, loves the student orchestra and enjoys making knife handles in his spare time. We got along well, and I asked if he wanted to go back to his place to make out. So we did, and the coffee date turned into a cuddle date. (I like cuddle dates, where what's inside the boxer is out of bounds, because it's a really good way to test communications and boundaries. A way to get to know one another without any pressure to perform.) And whilst I've never done anything remotely like that before, this also felt... Uncomplicated. (Edited to add: Naming him Student.)

Then there's Cord. I met him on Monday, which merited a whole blog post on it's own. Definitely not uncomplicated. Since then, we've spoken excessively over text (Messenger), clearing the air and getting to know each other a lot more. Yesterday evening we had another date, where the plan was basically dinner and sex. And that plan got executed, but it didn't feel uncomplicated.

I'm struggling to put into words WHAT exactly makes my interactions with Cord feel more complicated than the others. Ok, he's ten years younger than me (he's 26), but that doesn't feel significant. I feel like we're fairly even in age, he could easily claim to be 32 or something. Like Foodie, and Saint and Arthur for that matter, Cord is a mess of trauma and various mental illnesses. This should feel familiar to me. His particular type of mind-goblins is very similar to my own, so it should in fact feel REALLY familiar. I struggle to read his non-verbal signals, and he easily grows nervous or flustered, but that's no different from my struggles to read Foodie. And that doesn't bother me much, it's more intriguing than anything else.  

He're also a trans man, he're also on T (for a bit over a year longer than me), he're also "pre-op" (in quotation marks because surgery isn't the fucking end goal for all trans people, and shouldn't be held up as an implied expectation). Like me. 

So what, it's all about the body? The breasts, the vulva? Yes, I have those too, but I've not interacted sexually with that many... Looking at my list (of course there's a list!), I've been involved in a fair share of M/F/F threesomes (back when I thought I was a woman)... But always in a secondary role. The cis man was definitely the one running the show (and doing most of the work). And I've never been on the receiving end for more than a minute or two. However, I've only had sex alone with someone with boobs twice. Both were one-night-stands. 

The first one I've just named "that crazy woman with dreads", and the most vivid memory of her was when she locked herself in our bathroom, hallucinated and threatened to kill herself. I know we DID have sex, alone, without the interaction of X... But I can't really remember what we did. I only remember she had several piercings.

The second one was a lesbian woman I met at a seminar for people studying to become teachers. I only remember an approximation of her name. We flirted heavily all evening, to her utter confusion (because she knew I was in a relationship with a man), then I called T for his consent to sleep with her. It was the first time the "I can fuck women"-clause of our relationship came into play. I remember the sex as an exciting novelty more than as something exciting in itself. I topped, obviously, eating her out and fingering her until she came, but didn't let her reciprocate much. This was in 2006 or 2007. I haven't had sex with women on my own since then, and eventually I also grew tired of threesomes. 

Cord isn't a woman though, and neither am I. We happen to have the same body parts as those people, and yes it's like 15 years since I last tried to make someone with a vulva come.. So it's unfamiliar and I worry about doing something wrong and all that.. But after all this writing and pondering about bodies, I'm not sure that's the complicated part either. Just like my struggles to read him, I'm sure it's a factor, but not the most important one.

So what's the really complicating factor? Why do I beforehand feel butterflies in my stomach and excitement and joy to meet him.. But feel fearful and uncertain when in his presence? 

I think it's the dysphoria. 

He actually put it into word yesterday, without knowing how impactful those words would be to me: When you see yourself reflected in another person, you're forced to acknowledge those parts of yourself as well. The parts you don't want to think about, the parts you don't even want to consider. It might actually have been easier if he'd been a woman, because then at least I could create some mental distance between us. But he's like me. There's no significant distance. 

Most of the time, I'm not even aware at how much I dislike the feminine characteristics of my own body. I quite like the feelings created by my nipples, and I love the orgasms I get from my vulva. Love getting penetrated, love those waves of pleasure. But I can enjoy the functions of my own body parts, while still hating the fact that they don't look masculine.  

When I see his hips, his ass, his breasts, I can't ignore those same traits of my own. And that hurts, because I DON'T WANT them. Don't want to acknowledge them, don't want to consider them. Even writing this blog post has taken hours, with lots of breaks, thinking and rewrites, and it feels like I can't breathe properly.  

So yeah, it's about the body, but the problem isn't his body.. His body is beautiful, desirable, sexy.. The problem is my own.

I still want him, though. Despite the pain. Despite the confusion. Despite this terrifying, crippling dysphoria. I feel he's worth it. Just wish it didn't have to hurt so much.

Clitoral observations

 As I've written before, I've been very nervous about what will happen to my clit when going on T. Best case scenario is that the opening in the hood will stretch back out, enabling bottom growth as normal. The hole used to be 1-2 millimetres across. 

Tomorrow, I'll have been on T for two weeks, applied through a topical gel. One week on 10mg (one pump of the gel bottle) per day, one week on 20mg (two pumps) per day. So far, this is what I've noticed: 

• slightly more loose hair on my comb when combing my hair
• somewhat more sensitive nipples, that spent almost three days erect or semi-erect last week
• my vagina is somewhat wetter than normal for this part of the menstrual cycle
• my clit has gained back some of the sensitivity it seemed to have lost these past two years

In addition, I also feel a bit happier and more energetic. But I'm uncertain if that's placebo, or some other psychological effect, or is really caused by an increase in testosterone.

It's that last bullet point I want to address though. For the last year, maybe more, I've struggled a lot to reach orgasm by use of normal vibrators. That's why I bought the Doxy Die Cast: It's SO much stronger. And that worked, I was able to orgasm fairly normally again. But these last few days, it's felt way too strong and my old vibrator (which has sat unused since I got the wand) worked just fine. 

This increase in sensitivity made me suspect SOMETHING had happened down there.. Even though I haven't felt as much as a tingle. So I got comfortable with a strong light source, a mirror and my phone. I also got up to get a ruler, eventually. 

Here's the verdict: Something is definitely happening. The opening has practically doubled in size, from 1-2 millimetres to 3-4 millimetres. It also looks deeper and better defined. The clit itself isn't measurably larger, but I think it seems larger when I look at it. I think it's the shaft portion that has grown a tiny bit, as it looks to be protruding a bit more now than previously. Still no indication that it will ever be able to move freely back and forth through the hood.. But the skin in that area is flexible, so it's definitely possible that the opening will get further enlarged. 

All in all, I'm very excited about this development. It gives me hope that I might avoid surgery, which makes me happy. 

Confusing Cord

A few weeks ago I got matched with a local trans man on Tinder. We talked for a bit, but I got the distinct feeling that he wasn't really interested.. However, he joined a Discord server where I'm also pretty active, and we've stayed in touch on and off since then. We've talked a bit online, had one conversation over voice chat, and I've kept being interested in him. I'm naming him Cord.

 
I've been interested in him from the start.. Partially, I think because he's also trans. I feel like we have a lot in common simply based on that. In addition, he's kind, funny, intelligent and interesting. I enjoy talking with him, and whatever else happens (or doesn't happen), I hope we can be friends.

Last night, we were supposed to go to an event with other trans people. The event got canceled last minute, and I convinced Cord to let me come over to his place in stead. Supposedly just to talk and get to know one another, but I always had hope that we'd do something more than that.

We spent about four hours talking and gently flirting. I was extremely forward with him, letting him know I was interested in him... And he never blatantly rejected me... However, there was no enthusiastic consent either. He'd laugh, blush, talk about something else or just squirm uncomfortably.

He also told me that he suspects he might be demi-sexual, in that he doesn't get sexually interested in someone without knowing them really well first. He's previously said that cuddling, which was my goal, is something he doesn't do with people without trusting them a lot and knowing them really well. He also expressed a strong dislike for unexpected changes, and was clear he doesn't want to be touched (even in non-sexual ways) without having clearly consented first.

All of this made me very hesitant to push forward with him. I knew I didn't have his trust yet, and I let him take his time. This was our first real life meeting, after all. Like I said, I wanted to be friends with him in any case, and worried more about breaking his trust and loosing that budding friendship than anything else.

So imagine my surprise when he told me, 20 minutes before I had to leave, that I could have asked to kiss him hours ago. And he would have let me. He seemed surprised and somewhat amused at how slow I'd taken things. I was flabbergasted.

So we kissed, obviously. And talked more directly about pleasure. And that was really nice.. But it left me stunned.

Because EITHER he was just giving in, letting me "get my way" when he didn't really want to... Which I don't think, because it doesn't fit with what I know of his personality.. And I really hope this wasn't the case, because I want real, enthusiastic consent.
OR he was really a lot more interested in me than he first seemed, and purposefully held back because he enjoyed watching me flop around and make a fool of myself.. Laughing inside. Which makes me sad to consider.
OR he didn't really need a lot of time to get to know someone after all.. Didn't have those trust issues that he said he did.. Didn't really intend to come off as so skittish. Which just makes me really, really confused.

Another issue is that we probably clash spectacularly in terms of D/s. Because we're both dominant tops. I could theoretically switch, but I don't know if I'm comfortable doing that with him. After last night, I don't feel like I can read his nonverbal signals at all.

I'd love to meet him again, but I need to figure out what's up with all this.. What does HE want? I'm confused.