Two months on testosterone: A summary

There's definitely stuff happening in my body, and it's fascinating to observe. After bleeding for a MONTH, I was advised by the gender doctor to increase my dose of testosterone. So I did. New bloodwork due on Monday, curious to see if I'm still within acceptable levels or if I need to decrease the dose somewhat. I had hoped that my periods had stopped after I increased the dose, but they hadn't. Fingers crossed they'll stop within the next few months. 

My sex drive was super high for the first few weeks, but then about a month ago I got sick. It was either the flu or a really bad cold. I ended up needing prednisolon from my doctor, because my asthma was getting out of hand. The virus gave me two, almost three weeks of fever, a bad cough, and my voice disappeared completely for a week-and-a-half. I could barely whisper. It gradually came back after that, but I still don't feel completely well. 

My sex drive disappeared when the infection hit, and hasn't returned properly yet. I occasionally feel like having sex or masturbating, but it's not that constant itch that it was before. It feels... Weird. I don't feel like myself. Bottom growth seems to have slowed down a bit, but comparing pictures from the last few weeks there's still changes going on. Fingers crossed the growth continues for a good, long while yet. I find I really want a proper "t-dick". I want to be able to jerk myself off, I want to be able to recieve blow jobs. I want strokers and other ftm sex toys to fit me. It doesn't freak me out at all, the positives seem to FAR outweigh any potential negatives.   

My voice is still affected by the infection, it doesn't feel or sound right and I get out of breath really easily.. But it's also definitely dropped. And I love that. I'm not completely within the male range yet, a good way from passing as a cisman on the phone or something.. But I can feel it deeper in my throat and chest. I'm super excited about this change, as my voice often makes me feel dysphoric.

The part I like the least so far is the pimples. I'm covered in pimples on my neck, the sides of my throat, on my temples and more. I've actually got a doctor's appointment tomorrow to ask his advice. Maybe there's something I can do to treat it. 

So yeah, that's a summary. I've two months and three days on testosterone, and (except from the pimples) I'm loving the process so far.

To be reborn, I first have to die

I've continued to explore my feelings with regards to realistic looking strap-ons. The flesh-colored dildos I'd ordered arrived. I strapped one to me (the smaller one), lubed up, and jerked off with one hand while playing with my clit with the other. I've done that a couple of times now, and it works like a charm. It feels perfectly natural to jerk off a dick, my dick, while I'm coming. 

At the same time, this act, and even just this fantasy, gives me profound feelings of shame. As though I'm doing, desiring something dirty, shameful, something that should be hidden, not talked about. Why is that? I can't think of anything else sexual that has ever given me such strong negative emotions. Sex and sexuality isn't shameful, I believe this to my core. So what's up?

Again, talking this through with other transmasc people gave me the clues I needed to start picking this appart. I don't think it's about the sexual act itself. Rather, it's what that sexual act represents: It isn't something a ciswoman would typically do, or even want to do. It's so profoundly trans, it's completely undeniable. 

On an intellectual level, I know I'm trans. The proof just keeps stacking up. I've changed my name and started testosterone, for gods' sake! I'm seriously considering pursuing top surgery, making that coveted bmi of 30 (which is what the state funded program demands) another weight loss goal. I keep experiencing gender euphoria, even from silly little things like wearing a man's watch or a tie. Even trying to deny that I'm trans at this point is laughable. 

It doesn't FEEL laughable, though. My brain, my emotional self, keeps scrambling for other explanations. I keep trying to gaslight myself. And whenever I slip up, like think of myself as my old name or enter a mental "girl mode" when I'm flirting with someone, my emotions try to use that as "proof" that I'm not really trans. Or at least proof that I'm more nonbinary than transmasculine, as that somehow seems like a more "tolerable" gender identity. Less of an extreme change. 

But jerking myself off, using a realistic looking dick that is strapped to my body.. There's no escaping that. It's irrefutable. And that sends my emotional mind into a panic, resulting in these deep feelings of shame. Not for the act itself, but for me. What I am, what I've "let myself" become. Because deep down, I wish I wasn't trans. I wish I could continue to believe myself to be a girl, a woman. Life seemed simpler then. Maybe less complete, less authentic... But simpler. 

I saw myself as a shadow in a mirror, an enigma, my knowledge of myself was only in part. Now my knowledge of myself is more complete, and there is no turning back. The scales have fallen from my eyes, and I can see. 

Ok, enough Bible (mis-)quotes for one day, but the point still remains: Pandora's box has been opened, and I can't shove the knowledge of who I really am back in. I can't "un-know" this. However much I might want to. I can't just stop. 

So how do I get my emotional mind on board with what my intellectual mind already knows? How do I truly accept that I'm trans? I don't really know, but I suspect that talking about it, thinking about it, and writing about it, might help. At least I hope it'll help, because I don't know what else to do.. I can't stop, I can't turn back, so the only way is forward. 

I have to learn to let go of her: The ciswoman I thought I was. I can't ever be her again. She's dead, she just doesn't know it yet. What I'm feeling are her death throes. What I'm feeling is her grief over who she thought she was, and the life she thought she'd be able to lead. 

I've always been fascinated by the phoenix. This idea of power and change and rebirth was always appealing to me. I didn't really consider that for a phoenix to be reborn, it first has to die. It has to burn. And burning hurt, no matter if you think you might make it out the other side.

Apparently, I want a dick (bottom euphoria part 2)

In my previous post, I wrote that I've had lots of sex with strap-ons lately and that I've ordered my very first skin-colored dildos. I have several other dildos, but they're either pink, purple or rainbow colored. 

A couple of months ago, I bought a double-dildo ("strapless strap-on") which gave me the opportunity to grasp a shaft while feeling penetrated. Las week, I bought my very first dildo with "balls". I've never seen the point before, they're completely useless after all.. But it as a color I liked, a material I liked, and a size I wanted, so... 

Anyway, I've always found flesh-colored, realistic dildos to be creepy and disgusting. The veins, the head, the balls, the texture.. Those details serves no real function when having sex with it, and it isn't really equipped with nerve ending so.. Yeah. Not only useless, but a gross facsimile, a parody, of a human body part.

I tried on a real packer in a real packing harness the other day. The packer was Cord's Mr. Limpy, which is both too big to be realistic and also the texture is VERY off-putting. Sort of like velvet, in a bad way. I wanted to yeet it across the room and torch it with a flame thrower.... But at the same time, wearing it, touching it, groping it, turned me on. And that was so, so, so confusing because I actively HATED the feeling of it my hands.. But when I couldn't see it or feel the texture directly (like through clothing), it was.. really, really hot. I didn't dare explore those feelings further, as my feelings of disgust won out. And I haven't really dared to talk about the positive feelings I got wearing a packer, because it felt... Shameful, somehow. Which is silly, but yeah.. Feelings often are. 

The other day, I got into a very heated argument with a good friend about this whole dildo thing. I said that I find the flesh colored ones creepy, as a strong personal preference, and he got really hurt. Because not only does he like flesh colored dildos, but he's got a penis prosthetic to alleviate bottom dysphoria which is also realistic in appearance. It very much feels like a part of him, and he got upset that I was expressing such strong disgust over a part of his body. I argued that, while I don't wish to hurt him, having personal preferences should be allowed. However, we couldn't seem to agree, both were tired, and I had a really hard time understanding what he meant. So I bought up this topic in a large international transmasc server on Discord, to get more input. 

(The consensus was that while having preferences, and stating preferences, is ok.. Using such loaded language as "creepy" isn't ok. So I basically have to learn to think before I speak, something people have been trying to teach me since I was in kindergarten.. But that isn't the point.) 

During that Discord conversation someone mentioned that when they had such strong negative feelings about something, that typically meant there was something there they weren't dealing with. Usually strong feelings of dysphoria that was being ignored/suppressed, or some sort of trauma that hadn't been dealt with. At least one other person confirmed that this was the case for them too. Very strong negative feelings were a sign there was SOMETHING there that should be examined further. 

Like I typically do when confronted with uncomfortable truths about myself, I completely rejected this idea at first. However, it's kept "simmering" in the back of my mind... 

Cord has a couple of skin-colored realistic dildos that he enjoys, so I've used one of them on him a couple of times. They creep me out a bit, but not so bad I can't ignore it / push that feeling aside. Him enjoying himself is more important. However, yesterday and today something weird happened, and I'm still not done working through my emotions.. 

Yesterday, he was looking at me as I was strapping on one of his dildos. He didn't have his glasses on, and said that because everything is a bit blurry, it looked sort of real on me. It made me both sort of giggly, horny and wildly uncomfortable at the same time. 

Then again today, I used his dildo in the strap-on again. As I was rolling on a condom and putting lube on it, my hand naturally fell into a "stroking a dick" kind of motion.. Because honestly, how else would you spread out the lube on a dildo that is strapped to your crotch? And again, I got this mixed feeling of horniness, happiness and discomfort. However, today the discomfort was somewhat less. Enough so that I'm able to write this today, try to bring it into the light, analyze it, deal with it.. I've been putting it off for hours, but I can't keep doing that, so.. 

What does it all mean? 

It means that my previous statement of "I don't have bottom dysphoria" isn't really true. Or at least, that using realistic dildos give me a strong sense of gender euphoria, but ALSO triggers a lot of feelings of shame and disgust. I think there might be dysphoria buried underneath all that somewhere, but I can't be certain until I do some more digging. Right now, the idea of wearing a realistic looking strap-on, ESPECIALLY the idea of stroking it and "jerking off" turns me on something fierce. I also feel really, really silly even entertaining this idea, since I won't actually feel any it.. But learning (from a youtube review of all things!) that this desire to "jerk off" a realistic looking dildo isn't totally uncommon.. That has helped me admit this to myself. 

I still love my vagina, still love getting fucked, it's just... I want a dick too (apparently).

So yeah. Hi. I keep discovering new things about my gender, sexuality and all the things in between.. It feels like I'm being pulled kicking and screaming through whole process, my mind fighting every single development like crazy.. But I get there eventually. That's what happened with gender, and that's apparently what's happening here too. I don't want to admit the hard and uncomfortable truths, but eventually they can no longer be denied. I don't just love other people's dicks.. Now apparently, I want my own. 

Lots of sex and new toys (bottom euphoria part 1)

I keep seeing Cord, and it keeps being fucking great. We get increasingly comfortable in each others' presence, there's more trust, more openness, and the sex just keeps getting better. I still struggle a lot to bottom, and once we start playing with D/s (which I'm fairly certain we will) it's going to be a fucking struggle to be able to submit.. But I want to. I want us to continue to be verse, and switch, because I love the flexibility, the amount of options, the way it's so easy to cater to different needs, energy levels etc. 

I'm finally having consistent, repeated fun with strap-ons. Not just as an occasional thing. Last time I had anything CLOSE to this much strap-on action was with Giant, and even then, he didn't exactly use it on me so.. Yeah. I've bought a couple of new (pride colored!) dildos and I've realized that I need a new harness. My old one, which I bought with Saint in Amsterdam and which honestly hasn't seen THAT much use, is fraying around the buttons that attach the ring. It'll break any day.

So tonight I've bought a new one. Just another cheap one, as I've spent too much money lately on masculine clothing, and lately on toys.. But still, it should work well enough. I've also ordered my first ever realistic, skin-colored dildos. 

This is a first for me, because I've always felt that realistic dildos were really creepy, and sort of disgusting. Like an "uncanny valley" kind of thing, where it looks real but also really OFF. I always though this was a fairly common feeling, but apparently it isn't.. Or at least, not with as much vehemence as I have. I'm addressing this is part 2 of this post.