That List - my sexual history in 31 names

I wanted to write a bit more about That List, to see if I can pin down a pattern to my sexual relations throughout my life. 

"Patient zero", or rather number zero, on my list isn't technically someone I had sex with. But it's the first person I ever kissed, the first penis I ever saw in real life, and the first person I'd ever seen jerking off and coming. So although I never touched him, and he never touched me, below the belt, and he therefore doesn't get a number.. He still deserves a place on the list. (Also: He was 26. I was 15. We'd spoken online for a few weeks. This stuff happened on our second ever encounter, and we never did anything more.)

I had my real sexual debut at 16, with my boyfriend at the time. We were together for almost a year and a half, monogamously. From 17 to 19 I had a series of monogamous relationships. The shortest lasting 6 days, the longest (with X) for 10 months. Number 1-5 were vanilla. I remember loving sucking dick back then too.. And needing a vibrator on my clit to orgasm. And with the british guy (number 4), I experimented with forplay involving food and ice cubes. We even tried some anal. I know I behaved unapologetic in sexual contexts, shameless.. But I can't remember much about how I felt, how I thought. 

X is number 8, and my second ever relationship playing with kink. (Number 7 was my first kink relationship. He was really a sub, who agreed to top me while we were together. That worked exactly as poorly as you'd expect.) I was 18/19 years old at the time. During my relationship with X, I also had my first threesome and had sex with a girl for the first time. 

Except from War, I didn't have any sort of vanilla encounter between the years 2002 and 2022. I wonder if the trauma I suffered on the hands of X played a significant part in that. I've already figured out that him raping me, and generally abusing my trust, made me into a Dom for all effects and purposes (I'm really a switch). I wouldn't be surprised if that traumatic experience generally made it more difficult for me to relax and be receptive during sex. Kinky or otherwise. Though as I've previously mentioned, dysphoria is surely part of this too.

T, my now ex-husband, is number 9 on That list. 

Numbers 10-19 all happened while I was with T, but none of them involved penis-in-vagina (piv) sex. Me and T weren't monogamous, but piv sex was something he wanted reserved for just him for many years. Among the 10-19 are four threesomes that I had with T and various women. I enjoyed the "hunt" for someone to play with / have threesomes with, but once we got started I often ended up in an auxiliary role. I now believe I put myself in that position because of (suppressed) dysphoria and/or trauma at the hands of X. I eventually grew tired of fucking women, it didn't feel rewarding enough for me. This might also be dysphoria related, as intimately interacting with a body like my own triggers dysphoria in a really bad way. But of course I didn't realize this at the time. 

Number 20 is War, and he's the first person I had piv-sex with after I started dating T. Since War isn't kinky, I felt the lack of piv-sex more acutely. So I re-negotiated my agreement with T. After that, piv-sex was back on the table with subsequent partners, though typically cleared with T beforehand. 

Arthur is number 22 and Saint is 23. Donald is 24, though to be fair I only fucked him in the ass. Didn't touch his dick, and he never touched me.. The Giant is number 25, Swede is 26 and Dane is 27. And then I had kids, and nothing happened for about five years, before meeting Cord. The young student and yesterday's one-night-stand rounds off the list.

So who are they all, those 30 people? The vast majority are submissives, and I only had sex with them in situations where I could control the interaction 100%. Usually, that meant putting myself aside. Only satisfying their needs, not having any focus on what I really wanted. And as I've previously established, this service topping probably had a lot to do with dysphoria. Though from this summery, I'm also thinking it's trauma related. 

Damn, this self-scrutiny is unpleasant stuff....

Risk assessment

The way I interact with potential sex / play partners has DRASTICALLY changed in the last three months. I don't know if it's medically because of the testosterone, or if it's transition / dysphoria related.. My guess is a bit of both. 

It's particularly noticeable in the way I write classified adds. I made one back in February first, something I'd never done before.. As well as registering for Grindr and Tinder. What I wanted back then, and what I want now, isn't really that different: Sex. Physical touch. Uncomplicated, casual relations. Yet back then, I wrote in a very "womanly" way. They way I've always been socialized to think I "should" do dating and hookups: You get to know each other fairly well first, learn to trust each other, and if there's a spark there you can pursue it further. 

Though I can't just blame it on being socialized as a woman. A lot of women have one-night-stands. It's really common. I haven't done that until this year, not really. And I think that's due to (suppressed) dysphoria. Now, I've had A LOT of random play sessions at BDSM parties with people I've barely met.. But that's different. Tying someone up and spanking them, can be almost impersonal. It's not about me, it's about them. I'm mostly dressed, not being touched... Safe.

Casual sex isn't "safe" by any definition of the word. In most cases, sex involves both parties being undressed. Both parties being touched. Me. Me being undressed. Me being touched. That used to be SO hard, take SO much trust... And by all means, I still suck at being the passive party. I still suck at just lying still to accept pleasure. It's something I want to work on, but it'll take time I think.

It isn't "safe" in the sense of physical safety either. You don't know what this stranger is likely to do. Most people are decent, true.. But it only takes ONE wrong choice to get raped, beaten and possibly killed. I've blamed my choices on this aspect before.. But I'm not so sure that was the real reason... I think I used this physical risk as an excuse to avoid the stuff that felt really dangerous to me: Being touched by someone else. Being open. Receiving.

(Also: If I DO get assaulted or killed, there should be enough trails (mainly digital) to maybe find out who did it. Saint can see my phone's GPS location, including where I HAVE been at any point in time. I also usually add the name and address of who I'm meeting to my Google calendar, which is shared with Saint. So at least there's something to build on. And I've always had similar safeguards in place. So blaming my lack of one-night-stands on physical safety concerns just doesn't make sense.)

In April, I edited my classified add and my dating app profiles.. I wrote straight out that I was searching for friends with benefits. Cuddles that could turn into sex, if all parties were interested. I had two cuddle-dates in early April which were really enjoyable. 

My priorities, and my risk assessment, have shifted as the testosterone driven horniness has increased. The idea of cuddling with someone and then NOT wanting to fuck them seems absurd to me now. So yesterday, I made another classified add and edited my profiles on the dating apps. They now start out: "I just want sex, but if you're able to hold a conversation that's an added bonus." It's a lot more honest, but I couldn't have said the same back in February. It would feel too risky. I also notice that I'm a lot more direct when I flirt. I say what I want, straight out. If I get rejected: Fine. There's more fish in the sea. 

Having one-night-stands doesn't feel as risky now. It feels liberating. I've continued to hook up with the 21 year old student I met for coffee in April (we've met.. three more times, I think), and I had a one-night-stand with someone else from Grindr last night. I don't have amazing chemistry with either of them, there's no real spark, not much emotions (at least none that last for any long than the encounter itself).. And I love that. 

It's not perfect, by any means. When I'm naked and moaning, their mouth on my nipple and their fingers in my pussy, I know they see me as a woman. Who wouldn't? I don't really disappear into "girl mode" in my head, like I used to do.. But I'm not quite as present as I would like to be either. There's still significant dissociation going on, parts of my body just doesn't exist.. Maybe it'll be easier when my voice gets further down and the body hair starts coming in.. I don't know... I also wish I could wear a strap-on to these encounters... Not to use it, necessarily, but just because having a hard-on would feel.. Right.. I think. 

However, having one-night-stands itself is nice. It feels really low-stakes. To be able to take what I want, get most of my needs met, in a way that is uncomplicated and easy.. What's not to love?

Thirty

Last night, "That list" reached 30. Yes, the list is actually named "That list". And yes, it's an actual list on my Google Keep. A list of what, you ask? Of people I've had sex with. Ever.

Sex defined as direct touch of genitalia (mine, theirs or both), with the intent of causing sexual pleasure. So fingering is sex, whilst sucking on someone's boobs isn't. It's not perfect, but I had to draw the line of "sex" somewhere. Can't possibly keep track of all the people I've tied up or spanked, for example. 

So anyway, yes: Number thirty. We started chatting on Grindr, and decided to meet up about an hour later with the intention of going back to his place to have sex. (Depending on chemistry and gut instinct, of course.) He didn't think I'd follow through.. Just like me, he's also experienced a lot of guys chickening out. Even sitting on his bed, chatting, he obviously still didn't believe it would happen. He only got convinced when I bit his lip and sucked his nipples. (By the way, a hot tip: If there's even a slight chance of getting someone back to your place for sex.. Make sure your bed sheets are clean. The super stained, gross sheets on his bed ALMOST made me leave.)

The sex was fairly vanilla, with just enough hints of power play to make it interesting. Good enough, but not amazing. No real chemistry there, and not enough red flags to make me leave straight away. I was horny and wanted to fuck. I could do a lot worse than a hairy, bearded 25 year old, chemistry or no chemistry. He was decent in bed, but with the cockiness of someone who hasn't really been taught to LISTEN to his partner. In stead, he did things (repeatedly) that I'm sure has worked well with other partners, but that I told him I didn't really like. That got annoying, but increasingly firm corrections got his attention eventually. 

With the exception of Swede, Dane and an american woman, he's also the first foreigner I've had sex with. And the first non-white (depending on your definition of "white". Non-western anyway.). I noticed that internalized racism was trying to fuck with me, but since I was acutely aware of it I think I was able to resist at least some of it's influence. It's a challenge, though. Interacting sexually with non-Norwegians is obviously good for me in that sense.  

He told me he was half Albanian, half Palestinian, born in Syria. His mother is dead, but the rest of his family lives near Oslo. They're muslim, but he isn't particularly spiritual himself. I have no idea if any of these are true, but it's not completely unlikely. He gave me a fake first name at first, but afterwards told me what I assume is his real one, and showed me his Facebook profile. He told me he came to Norway seeking asylum ten years ago. He works in the kitchen of a local hotel, which his Facebook profile confirmed. Based on his Norwegain skills (very good, but not perfect), his arrival-time in Norway is plausible. Based on his circumcised dick, the religion part checks out. 

I'm not sure I really like him, but it doesn't really matter. I wasn't really there to make friends anyway.

Catalyst awaits

The way he smiles at me.. The way he touches me, even in a completely non-sexual way.. The things he says.. 

He knows. I know. We know.

I grow dizzy and short of breath, gasping. The instinct is to kneel, to yield, to be taken. Yet I resist. 

And then at the end of the night, the final hug.. His rasping cheek against my face.. His breath.. His teeth grabbing and gently biting my ear. Holding, restraining.

I melt in his arms. 

He knows. I know. We know. He'd have me if he tried. 

I'm afraid though.. Like a skittish horse.. Unable to trust, unable to yield. So he waits. Smiles. Touches. Waits for me to come to him... 

And he knows.. I know.. We know.. Eventually, I will. 

No longer Cord

As I feared the other day, Cord and I have now broken up. I decided to end it. It was the right thing to do, but it still hurts. And I'm sure he's feeling really hurt too. We still love each other, after all. 

It lasted just over two months. In those two months, I learned three things about myself that will be useful in future relationships: 

1. Nonverbal communication is really important to me. If I can't guess at the other person's mood, thoughts and feelings, through their nonverbal signals, I don't feel comfortable. I also have a lot of difficulty of taking a verbal statement at face value, if I can't have nonverbal signals to confirm what was just said. Good nonverbal communication doesn't have to be there from the start, but it has to become established fairly soon after. 

2. I need someone who WANTS me sexually. Not just to please me, not just because they enjoy that I'm enjoying myself. They have to sexually desire ME. This basically means I have to be really careful, and really clear about my needs, if I ever date someone on the ace spectrum again. 

3. I need kink in my life. Vanilla sex can be fun for a while. Vanilla sex with toys and strap-ons can be a lot of fun for a while. But eventually, I need kink. I need the play with power and control and pain. It's a part of me. I'm kinky. 

I'm thankful to Cord for (however inadvertently) helping me learn these things about myself. I'm also glad he introduced me to a few other trans people, and cheered me on in these early parts of my transition. I still care deeply about him, and think I'll always think very fondly of him. 

Love and sabotage

Fucking hell. Not sure where to start...

Cord and I had our first fight today. Although "fight" isn't really the wrong word, we just left off having hurt each other and both feeling hopeless, I think. When I left, he was sobbing. As I learned back in 2011 already, I need to take care of people. I need to make sure they're ok. Being shut out and having to leave felt terrible. However, I couldn't really see any other options. He said that if I stayed, he'd either feel forced to fake being ok, or I wouldn't be able to leave at all. Finding some sort of common understanding or patch on the issues, didn't seem like it was on the table at all. 

And I did need to leave eventually.. It was a 40 minutes drive, it was well past 9pm and I needed some sleep before taking over responsibility for the kids at 4am. I could easily have stayed for a couple of more hours, or planned to stay part of the night there or SOMETHING. But he didn't really give me that choice. We didn't talk about any such options. I was just told that I should leave. There was no hug, no common desire to work things out, not feeling of togetherness... I was just told to leave.

So I left. Didn't feel like I had much choice. Still feel terrible about it, though. Being made to leave him, when he was in that state, may have hurt our relationship more than anything else that has happened recently.

Why did we "fight" though? I'm not sure.. Several issues cropped up, and once we started digging at one we kept finding more. Lets see if I can list them all (and before I continue. Remember that all couples have issues. Issues in themselves are not a reason for relationships not to work. the question is what is done to try to work on those issues): 

0. Baseline: We're both fundamentally mentally injured, fucked up people. We have our histories, our troubles, and that makes it difficult for us to interact with other people. Difficult to trust other people. Including each other.

1. I feel fundamentally unable to "read" (perceive / intuit) his emotional state, his thoughts, his wants. This has been an issue from the start, but I thought it would get better over time as I got to know him more. That he'd open up more around me, be more relaxed, and that I'd get to know his reactions and patterns better... And it's gotten sliiiightly easier, but I still feel like I have no clue what goes on in his head most of the time. It makes me feel uncertain and worried.

2. He's demisexual, I'm closer to hypersexual. So our sex drives, while both present, work in reverse of one another. I get turned on first, then attempt to get sex going. He doesn't get turned on until well after intimate contact has begun. To me, that feels almost like a violation, like I'm making him do something that he initially doesn't want to do. And I really, really, really don't want to be abusive or manipulative.

On the other hand, if I wait for him to show clear signs of sexual desire before initiating anything, there won't be much sex at all. Oh, and he doesn't initiate sex, so that part is all on me. And if we just weren't to have sex, I could try to live with that... But instead, I keep hoping for it, looking for signs sex could be on the table, and never really seeing any such signs. That's.. Exhausting. 

3. He makes these little laughs whenever I do something that could be interpreted as going from non-sexual to sexual(ish) touch. So if I try and kiss him properly, or touch his body in a semi-sexual way or whatever.. He laughs. He says it isn't on purpose, but it's still hurtful. It feels as though I'm being mocked or laughed at. It makes me feel silly, and not in a good way. I've been sexually rejected by people I love enough times in my life, I don't want to willingly put myself in situations where I feel rejected and mocked again and again. And obviously, this laugh does not make it easier for me to initiate sexual contact with him. 

4. I don't really know how to turn him on. I know how to get him really riled up, when he's already turned on.. But I don't know how to get him going. Taken together with 2 and 3 here, I feel VERY uncertain when having sex with him. He says he doesn't really know either. I'm able to take pleasure for my own sake, to some degree, but it feels fundamentally unequal/selfish/borderline abusive, and that bothers me a lot. If people don't really want to have sex with me, I shouldn't be having sex with them. Full stop. 

5. On one hand he says he's almost always depressed and full of anxiety, almost always tired, and has a tendency to "space out" in social situations. He often has days when all he does is sleep. He's been suicidal several times before. He regularly talks about how he feels he shouldn't be taking up space in the world, how it's incomprehensible that someone would want to like him and spend time with him etc. He admits to needing more therapy. Whether he will be able to work full time, in the long run, is very much up in the air. 

On the other hand, he gets all hurt and upset when I say that I want to be considerate of his mental health, not put too much pressure on him, and that I perceive his current health as fragile. I'm also very, very hesitant to ask directly for sex when he's at his most tired and spaced out. Because I don't trust that he's actually present enough mentally to be able to give enthusiastic consent, he'll just go along because he wants to please me. He got hurt by my hesitancy, as he claims to always be able to consent. Which is excellent! It's just that I can't read him, so I don't feel confident that's true at any given time... And I already feel like half of an abuser, some of the time. Pushing him into having sex with me when I know he's mentally completely fucked is NOT what I want to do. I'd rather be safe than sorry in this regard. 

I've been very clear that I can't "carry" another person's mental health, I don't have the capacity. I want to be supportive and considerate, though, but it seems I don't know how. Because I just seem to hurt him. But NOT taking the precautions I'm taking, isn't an option for me as of now.

6. He told me he feels hurt and excluded when he sees me posting pictures or other stuff on Discord, but don't talk directly to him about it or send the pics to him. I tried to explain that first of all, I want to be considerate of his mental health. So I post it somewhere I know he can see it if he wants to, thereby leaving him the option of engaging if he's up for it, without the social obligation to do so. Forcing him to engage, when he's not mentally up for it, feels very rude and inconsiderate to me. Especially when it's something fairly mundane, and not very important. 

Secondly, I sometimes want/enjoy input from several different people, so posting it somewhere there are lots of people seems like a good idea. Copying it to our private chat is possible, but it would mean a few extra steps for me.. And it will mean I'll have to translate it to Norwegian (I think Norwegian people speaking English to each other in daily conversations is super silly). It seems unnecessary to go through those extra steps, when he can see it whenever he wants on Discord. Searching for posts written by a specific author is very easy to do, so he wouldn't need to read everything everyone has said. 

He didn't agree with any of my reasoning, and seemed upset that I was trying to be considerate (see 5, above). But on the other hand, he doesn't want me to feel obligated to share stuff either. So we were left at at impas, of him feeling hurt without me being able to fix it. If I start sharing that random stuff directly with him now, he'll be convinced that I'm doing it just because he asked me to. And then it'll have little-to-no real value. Also, he'd be right. I don't understand why he wants me to share things in two locations, when he's got full access to both. So double-posting would 100% be because he asked me to do so. However, since I love him I'm happy to do that for him.. But apparently that isn't enough. 

7. Another thing we didn't talk about tonight, but which in my mind belongs together with 2, 3 and 4, is that he doesn't perform oral sex on me. He said he was really interested in it, really into it, in the first few weeks we were together.. But because I was bleeding, we couldn't really do it. And then he backed out when I actually asked about it. It seems it grosses him out, but he didn't actually tell me this until he was on his way down between my legs. That made me feel betrayed and really hurt. He hasn't taken any initiative to try again, nor shown any interest in working on his issues regarding this... But that might just be related to how he doesn't initiate sex in general. Anyway, it's just another way we're sexually very different. And again, if I knew that it wasn't on the table, I think it would be easier for me to handle. But waiting for him to want to try again... It makes me uncomfortable. 

8. Another thing we didn't talk about today, but we'll have to talk about at some point very soon: Kink. Now, he'd told me before we got together that he was kinky. He'd told me that he had some experiencing being the dominant and top in a BDSM-dynamic. He also seemed willing to switch, just like he's verse when it comes to more vanilla sexual activities. At least that's what I understood. So I'd been really looking forward to exploring kink with him, seeing if he was someone I'd feel comfortable switching with and such.. I wanted to go with him to kink events, to play and enjoy ourselves. 

And yet... On one hand he hasn't shown ANY interest in any sort of BDSM-related activity with me at all (which frankly makes me question whether he's really that kinky). Nor has he tried to talk to me about it when we're not in a sexual setting. However, I don't think I can really play intensely with someone that I can't "read". So that's probably a moot point anyway... But it's just yet another way that our relationship isn't developing into what I was hoping it could become. Either I've fundamentally misunderstood his interest in- and experience with BDSM.. Or something else is up. I'm confused.

8. He seems to be sort of sabotaging this relationship. In written communication he oscillates wildly between on one side telling me about his mental health issues and how tired he is..and on the other side saying things like "I shouldn't be telling you this, you must really hate how I'm always whining, I shouldn't be taking up your time" etc. Like he's looking for Problems, and when we didn't have big Problems he started making them up. He keeps repeating and repeating that his entire existence is a problem and that he doesn't deserve happiness. I haven't agreed with any such nonsense, I love him and have told him that every step of the way... 

But those conversations make me wonder if that was what was happening tonight too.. Since I didn't "rise to the bait" on messanges, was this entire evening an attempt from him to sabotage our relationship? To somehow "prove" that he wasn't "worthy" of love? To make me leave?

Conclusion:
Looking at this list, the main "problem" is that I love him. If I hadn't loved him, we probably wouldn't last. However, I want to make this work. Because I love him. What I think we need is a LONG (probably several long) and very direct chat(s) about all the issues and differences we're facing. The big ones and the small. I'm sure there are more things I haven't listed here. Most of these are about him, after all, and I'm sure I have my share of issues too. 

I think we need to talk about- and try to work through all those things, and/or attempt to find solutions/fixes/patches to them.. (And hopefully without him staring off in the distance and no longer responding, which is what kept happening when we were talking today... I could never know if he'd heard me, or if he'd just zoomed out.) I love him. I WANT to put in the time, I WANT to make this work. I want to be with him, not just for a couple of months, but for many years. I just don't know how to get there.

And being thrown out tonight, when we'd started talking about all this and COULD have tried to work on it and reach some sort of common understanding, some sort of middle ground, some sort of solution or patch or fix... Being thrown out made things even more difficult, in my mind. I want him. I just don't know what I need to do to have him. 

And I'm not at all convinced that he actually wants to have a relationship with me, or if he's (on purpose or subconsciously) really trying to sabotage it. I'm not sure he knows either.