Shedding my old skin

With my relationship with Elle well under way, and Saint, and my kids, and my job, and my transition, life is pretty full.

So when NN asked if we could meet up again soon, I declined. Told him I probably won't be able to prioritize such encounters for the next few months at least. He took it well. We might get back in touch sometime in the future.. But for now, we're done.

That same day, I also messaged Arthur. That was A LOT harder. Fucking painful actually. But it needed to be done. 

After having sex with War again this summer, I realized that I can't be with someone who sees me solely as a woman. I'm physically able to, by all means, but it's really, really uncomfortable and I don't want to do that to myself.

And as long as Arthur can see me naked occasionally, he will never see me as anything other than a woman. At least not when we're physically together. I can't do that to myself. Regardless of how much I love him. It hurts too much to be seen that way, particularly by a lover.

So I sent him a message about this. He did write a sort of reply, but didn't really reply to any of the stuff I'd written... Which in itself is a reply, I guess... So we're basically over. Unless he magically gets over a shitton of internalized homophobia and transphobia, which I highly doubt. 

We've been seeing each other, playing and having sex, at least 1-2 times per year for 8 years. I love him deeply. Care SO much about him. Love the things we've been doing to one another. The last session we had, in June, was glorious. Without a doubt the best time I've had as a sub and bottom in well over 15 years. Giving all that up is painful.

But it had to be done. Just like a snake, I'm shedding my old skin. Leaving it behind as I grow and develop. The shedding is difficult, uncomfortable, but if I'm going to continue growing its absolutely necessary.

I'm not her anymore. I need to crawl away. 

A full workday, with overtime

Elle will be moving into her new place on October 3rd. Until then, we still don't have anywhere private to meet up. So this weekend, we spent a night in a hotel room. She didn't finish work until 6.30 and we had almost 45 minutes drive to the hotel, so we arrived late.. And I had to be home before 10am the next day, and there was an hour's drive home, so we left early.. But by all the gods, the time we had together was glorious. 

We started doing some version of sex or sexual stuff around 8pm and except for half an hour's break to eat something we didn't really stop until around 5am this morning. That's 8,5 hours of almost non stop sex; Or a full work day, with an hour overtime, to put it into perspective! We didn't get much sleep, and we're both bruised and sore, but it was absolutely worth it. 

We started out by her giving me a full body massage, back and front. Later on I fingered her, fucked her (still struggling to make that work), and then I lay on by back and watched her ride me. The order of things got bit blurred in my mind, but I know I fisted her and made her come at one point. Her arms were tied to the corners of the bed while I did that, so she was fairly helpless. I've never successfully fisted someone before (tried once with Donald, but never got all the way in), so that's a first for me. It felt amazing, definitely something I want to do again and hopefully explore more. We also played around with my wand a bit (Doxy Die Cast), and with my new Joystick from Transthetics. Watching and FEELING her giving me a blowjob with that is just insanely hot. 

Later on, I tied her in a "frog tie", legs and arms bent at the knees/elbows and tied. Then I petted, scratched, tickled and pinched her, making her feel helpless and under my control. I also toyed with her genitals, using massage oil as lubrication, and fingered her a bit more.

I came twice, once while riding her and using the wand. The other time while being fingered by her, and using the wand. The second orgasm was absolutely mind blowing, I was a shaking, shivering, giggling mess for a long time afterward. 

And yes, for the very first time, Elle fucked me. This has never previously been an option, in fact it's specifically not been on the table. She isn't comfortable using her anatomy like that, preferring to be the one getting penetrated in stead. Considering she's a (trans-) woman, that makes perfect sense to me. Although I enjoy piv sex, abstanding from it with her doesn't really bother me. There's so much else we can do, after all. 

I'd brought up piv earlier this week, actually. Not to push her, but to say "this is something I would enjoy, but I know it's not on the table. The fact that I keep thinking about it, is a "me problem" and not something you should feel bothered by." She said then that she'd thought about it too, but worried she'd freak out. She often does, when trying to have piv sex, and it's not a good experience for her. 

At the hotel, when we were well underway, she actually suggested we do it. After making sure she really meant it, and didn't feel pushed into doing something she didn't want to, I agreed. I was horney as hell, dripping wet, but hadn't had anything inside of me yet. I didn't take that last part into consideration, just lined her up and welcomed her deep inside of me... But I shouldn't have done that. As a result, I got a couple of pretty nasty tears in the skin around the entrance to my vagina. If I'd opened myself up with a couple of fingers first, I'd probably have been fine... But I was so turned on, I didn't really think about it. I still managed to ride her until I came, but it was really, really uncomfortable. 

Three or four hours later, the tears had just started to heal and the pain wasn't as bad. After I'd applied some lube, I lay flat on my stomach and she pushed into me from behind. I've never had vaginal sex in that position before.. In fact I didn't know I could. Doggy, sure, but always with my ass raised somehow. Apparently, when you've found yourself a young, slim hotty, anything is possible. I was so tired at that point, I wasn't much use... So I just lay there while she fucked me until she came. In one way it's really... utilitarian. But I also found it really nice to be able to provide pleasure, even when dead tired.

When talking the next day about all the things we'd done, she mentioned the piv sex as something she was the most happy about. Because she didn't freak out. She said it's probably because she feels really safe with me; Feels seen for who she really is. Also there's very clear and open communication between us.. And our version of sex is very, very far from a typical cishet couple's sex life.. She truly feels no pressure to "perform" in any way, and says that makes all the difference. 

I'm very glad she feels this way. I feel the same way with her, which was why I didn't wear a binder for the entire night. I'm not saying I'll never wear a binder when having sex with her, but I'm glad I feel like I actually have a choice. She sees me for who I really am, and with every touch she affirms my gender identity. Regardless of what anatomy I happen to have. I really love that about her. That too.