I've been working with a special stort of physiotherapist these last few months, doing psychomotor physio therapy. Her focus is the connection between the body and the mind, working on body-awareness among other things. The more I work with her, the more I dig down into my own past, my own feelings, the more I find. Like an excavator digging in what looks like a nice, grassy field, but finding an overgrown garbage dump underneath the grass.
It's extremely uncomfortable, but I think it's important. I can't keep going as I have, repressing everything.
After the last session, about two weeks ago, I had my first (two) panic attacks. Racing heartbeat, queezy, elevated blood pressure, hands and feet tingling. I recognized it for what it was, so I wasn't scared, but it was still very uncomfortable. Afterwards the increased adrenaline levels were very noticeable for at least another hour or two. I was extremely aware of my own body and physical sensations while it was happening. That's a sort of progress, I think, even though it doesn't feel like it.
Tomorrow is my next appointment. Today, I've had increased levels of anxiety for many hours. Not a full blown attack, just generalized anxiety. Increased heart rate, tension in the body, problems focusing on a single activity, feeling very "on guard", eyes always moving, hands lightly shaking. Typical adrenal response, "fight or flight". I think I've felt like this hundreds, maybe thousands, of times before. I just wasn't aware enough of my own body to consciously notice it.
This feels like an automatic reaction. I think it's comparable to other automatic reactions... There's tonns of them... Muscular ones like your posture, mental ones like internalized transphobia, and emotional ones like trauma responses. You can't change your automatic responses, if you aren't aware of them. Though once you become aware of them, it's impossible to unsee them. Like systemic racism, once you know it's there, you see it everywhere.
Anxiety seems like that for me. It's everywhere, all encompassing. I just didn't let myself know about it. (Like being trans.) How much of my life, how much of my reactions and decisions, have unknowingly been shaped by that anxiety?
I don't know. I have no idea how deep this garbage dump is, but I guess I'll find out. If I want to build proper foundations, make something stable and durable, I'll just have to keep digging. It stinks, but I think it'll be worth it in the long run.
