No sex: All about perspective

Novice and I don't really have an active sex life. It started declining this spring, and has been in a gradual downwards spiral since. We also don't play much, BDSM wise. 

I remember vividly talking with her about her reluctance to touch me back in July, for example. We have had penetrative sex two or three times since my top surgery in mid September, and have done other sexual things (like cuddling while I make myself come) around half a dozen times. She's extremely hesitant to let me touch her in any way that could be considered sexual, and doesn't touch me in a sexual way at all anymore. We very rarely even kiss.

This used to bother me a lot. I've been in sexless relationships before, T and I were sexless for many years before we broke up. And the sex life of Saint and I is also dead by now. It's possible for a relationship to survive for many years without sex, but it's very far from what I'd prefer. I'm closer to the hypersexual end of the spectrum, I prefer to have a lot of sex. Several times per week would be minimum, if it was just up to me. If I had time, and no other demands on my energy, I would probably want to have sex close to daily. 

Of course I can take care of my own need for orgasms, and I do. It's not like I would die without someone else fucking me. But I like sex; I enjoy the intimacy, the connection, the intensity, the giving and receiving of pleasure, the sensations... Sex is nice. 

When my partner doesn't want to have sex with me, I feel undesirable. They don't find me attractive, I'm not sexy enough.. But also generally: I'm not good enough. We typically HAD an active sex life the first few months we were together, and then it disappeared. So obviously, they got to know me better and their desire for me went away. I'm just THAT despicable. 

This same thought pattern has been running through my head, ever since Novice stopped wanting to have sex with me. I've tried blaming it on the anti-androgens she's on, or the stress she's under, and sure that can explain some of it. But it couldn't be the whole truth, that just didn't make sense to me. I didn't have any other explanation for it, so the problem had to be me. 

Then a couple of days ago, it all got turned on its head: We came to a realization that it's ALL dysphoria. Every single time Novice gets turned on, she gets an erection. And every single time she gets an erection, she gets dysphoric as hell. Dysphoria isn't sexy. It doesn't make you want to do more of the stuff that made you dysphoric. On the contrary, dysphoria is absolutely horrible. If the dysphoria gets bad enough, it can make people want to harm themselves, or worse. 

Now, she isn't as able to withstand or ignore that dysphoria as much when she's stressed out or tired. So those factors still apply, just more indirectly. We might for example get some tiny drips of sexual contact, if she gets enough sleep. But mostly, I think the dysphoria is to blame. And for me, that changes everything.

Maybe I'm not so despicable? Maybe I'm not completely undesirable. Maybe, on the contrary, touching me and being touched by me, turns her on. She shies away from me, not because she DOENS'T desire me... But because she DOES desire me. Because she gets turned on by me and the things I can do to her. Dysphoria gradually gets worse as you crawl out of the trans egg. You start to really acknowledge all the stuff you've repressed before, and that brings the dysphoria to the forefront. This explains why we had an active sex life at first, but it gradually went in decline. 

So it's not about me, in a negative sense. It's not that I'm not good enough. On the contrary, it's sort of a compliment: She wants me. She desires me so much, that it becomes unbearable for her. That turns everything on it's head for me. 

Of course I still want sex. This doesn't change my desires. But the lack of sex is so much easier to handle, when it doesn't come with a huge helping of self-hatred and shame. I love her. I love that she desires me, I love knowing that I turn her on. It's all about perspective.  

Birthday hang-over

I had an anxiety attack earlier today. It came on the tail-end of a misunderstanding / fight with Novice, combined with Saint trying to change the plans that have been made for the Christmas dinner. I'm already really stressed out over Christmas, and I have a job meeting on Wednesday that I'm really nervous about, and I'm generally anxious about not being good enough for Novice... And so I just collapsed. Uncontrolable sobbing and hyper-ventilating. Not pleasant, for either of us. 

Afterwards, I feel numb. Like a big hot-air balloon with too little air in it; Trying to stay up, but only managing a pitiful hobble. I'm able to pull myself together, to some degree, when something needs to be Done or Handled. But as soon as the Thing is out of the way, I fall down again. Wallowing sideways.

I've described this before as being emotionally hung-over. I've had too many big feelings, more than I was able to handle, and got drunk. Now I'm hung-over. That means mostly I'm just numb. Like a fog, made of foam-rubber, padding my brain. But there are some feelings there: I'm at the same time incredibly sad, and also have the shortest fuse ever. Both of those feelings are fueled by an intense self-hatred.

I can logically see that not everything that happened was my fault, or at least that I didn't do anything bad on purpose... But that logic might as well have been on a different planet, it feels incredibly distant from what I emotionally feel to be true.

I turned 38 years old today. Not the best birthday I've had, to put it mildly. So horray for me, I guess, and anxiety sucks. 

More visual, and more impatient

The way I get turned on has changed. It's been a very gradual change, so I haven't noticed until now, but looking back to before testosterone it's obvious: 

I'm more impatient now, and much, much more visual. Where I before enjoyed reading smut, including long novellas with erotic content, I don't have the patience for it anymore. If I want to come, I want to come NOW (or within 15 minutes max). Not in 45 minutes or more. 

The first 8-12 months on T, I was a roaring caldera of horny. Absolutely anything could turn me on, and once I was turned on I couldn't turn off again without coming first. Like a volcanic hot-spot that just keeps going until it explodes. After 12 months, it's calmed down significantly, but I'm still more horny and easier to turn on than I was before. 

However, most striking now is that the WAY I turn on is different. I'm more visual now. While erotic art could fascinate me before, very, very few still images actually did anything for me in terms of turn-on. Now they do. I can find a specific picture of a bondage position, for example, and feel turned on immediately. Porn, in video format, also does more for me now than before. Before, I used to be focused solely on the audio. And whilst audio is still important, visual is has much more of an impact than before. 

It's strange how the "typically male" stuff, may just be hormonal after all. It's not society, it's not brain composition, it's not genes... It's hormones.

Body is weird. I love it.