And my brain melts

A lot of the play Might and I did today was awkward, weird, and sometimes uncomfortable. However, those memories are fading very quickly. What I'm left with are these: 

Standing on all four, firmly attached by my hands and feet to a metal frame. A slender collar around my neck, loosely attached to another point on the frame. A long, slender dildo penetrating me from behind. Keeping my pussy open and wanting. My knees are spread wide, and my back is arched. A blindfold over my eyes. 

I stand there. Open, yearning, exposed. Waiting. The anticipation in that moment was amazing. The exhibitionism, the bondage, the power imbalance.. I could feel myself getting more turned on by the second, just standing there. 

Then Might touches me. He touches my clit like he did last night, my breath exploding from my lungs. All I can do is moan and whimper. I can't move out of the way, can't close my legs, can't make him stop even if I wanted to. His fingers are doing things to my clit I've never experienced before. 

I feel my self disappearing. The self that is all higher brain functions, rationality, intellectualization, second guessing, and anxiety. All that is left in my brain is sensations. All that is left is the dildo inside of me, and his fingers on my clit, and knowing I can't go anywhere. I just have to stand here and accept it. Floating on a sea of pleasure and intensity and horniness. Somewhere primal, where there is no room for anything else. 

Later, he also bites and scratches me, while playing with my clit. Adding another dimension to the sensations. Overwhelming my intellectual mind even more. Making me moan loudly under his hands. 

I'm not gone for very long at a time. Something always throws me back out. The matrass moving under me, making the dildo tilt, for example. But those moments where I just exist and enjoy are so, so sweet. He's getting better at telling me to be quiet, knowing that talking pulls me up to the surface again. I'm getting better at diving back down, not letting myself stay on the surface for long.

Later, still attached in the same way. One of his hands is playing with my clit. The thumb on the other hand is showed into my mouth. Making me into a spit roast, penetrated in both ends. I eagerly perform oral sex on his finger for as long as I can, again losing myself in the glorious sensations.

Later, the dildo is removed and replaced by his dick. I'm still tied down to the metal frame like I was before. Just having to stand there on all four, chest and face on the mattress, ass up, pussy open. Eagerly accepting, as he slowly pounds into me. 

He threatens to leave me like this, just a willing sex toy for him to use, and my brain melts. My rational brain knows with 100% certainty that he won't do that. I feel completely safe with him in this situation, and know he'll listen if I want to change anything. So I don't have to monitor anything, don't have to be alert, don't have to worry. I can just let go. That trust in him, is why I'm able to let go. Able to step more into the illusion we're building together. And my brain just melts. 

Again, it doesn't last for long. I lose that subby mind space fairly quickly. But those glimpses are happening easier now, and more often. I feel myself growing more accustomed to the submissive role when we play, slowly letting go and trusting him more. Submitting to him feels like a drug. Both scary and so, so addictive. I really, really hope we can keep doing things like this.

Yes, please. Make me your sex toy. 

Touched, seen, anointed

Back in October, I wrote about being scared after my top-surgery. I didn't have any regrets, and I still don't, but I wrote:

"I'm afraid.

Not for me. I know I wanted it. But I'm afraid this makes me undesirable. Unlovable. That I really am what the terfs call us: Mutilated. Disgusting."

I desperately wanted Novice to acknowledge the new me. To tell me that she still found me beautiful, scars and all. To touch my newly formed torso, and through that touch show that she accepted and wanted me still. To see me. 

Unfortunately, she mostly didn't. As far as I can recall, she never gave me a compliment on anything visual. Neither before nor after the surgery. She never called me sexy, or beautiful, or handsome. However, after the surgery she also touched me a lot less. The effortless physical touch that I relished in the beginning of our relationship, disappeared more and more.

If the person I loved, suddenly had big scars across their body, I would work really hard to convince them that I still found them beautiful, desirable. That their scars didn't scare me, or turn me off. That the scars were a part of them, and because I loved them, I also loved the scars. I would never want them to doubt my love and devotion. 

The fact that she didn't do anything like that (or at least didn't seem to), hurt me. Not just because I felt unloved, but because I didn't get the support I needed to deal with the trauma of amputating two body parts. The trauma of permanently and drastically changing my body. I grew even more afraid that this made me undesirable, unlovable, and she wasn't able to help me deal with that fear.

Now, I didn't know, before the surgery, that I would need such support. If I'd known, I probably would have delt with it differently. She was struggling enough on her own, so putting that additional weight on her was perhaps unfair. On the other hand: Shouldn't touching and appreciating your partner's body be a given in a relationship? Is it really so unfair of me, to have needed that from her? 

I also wrote: 

"What you don't touch, don't acknowledge, doesn't really exist in your eyes. It's something disgusting, shameful, something to be hidden away, ignored. It certainly isn't worthy of love."

Everything in this blog post so far, has been written to give context for what happened yesterday and today: Might called me sexy (when I was wearing a collar with him for the first time).
Might said he enjoyed watching my naked body (as I was heating up some food for us in the kitchen).
Might touched my chest, stroking along the scars, again and again and again, as we were cuddling on the couch. (And it's not the first time he's touched me like that.)

Now Might isn't among the most verbally gifted people I've met. Just like Novice, he's got a mind more bent towards math than language. Also, giving and receiving compliments isn't something he's practiced at, nor particularly comfortable with. However, that makes the things he says even more meaningful. There's no strategy there, no manipulation, no dishonesty that I've been able to find.

I still can't believe him, though. This idea I have, that it's impossible to find my body attractive post transition, is soooo heavily ingrained. Novice reaction after my surgery didn't make it better, but most of the blame is on me. Because I'm fairly certain I'm projecting here; I have some internalized transphobia, believing that transmasculine bodies are less good, less real, less valid, less desirable, than cis men's bodies. That anyone touching me, looking at me, would much rather have a "real" man or a "real" woman. That I'm something they're willing to settle on, because they don't have better options readily available. Internalized transphobia, or perhaps just good old regular dysphoria. Or perhaps both.

I know intellectually that this is bullshit, but as Novice would say: "My emotions dug me into this hole, so I can't intellectualize my way out of it."

I know I need to work on my internalized self-hatred. It's not healthy for me, and it's no one else's fault or responsibility. However, I also know that what Might does is helping. Even though I'm not able to believe him NOW, I think I might believe him some day in the future. Because when he touches me, I feel accepted. Anointed. Seen. 

I wasn't really aware how much I've wanted that. How much I needed that.

Thank you.

Teaching from the bottom

I just did a fairly detailed writeup of the sexual stuff Might and I have been up to this past week. However, the sex isn't what I keep returning to, when I think about him and our time together. It's the kink. Not really the kink NOW, although that's pretty darn sweet as well. I dream about the kink to come. 

He's a switch, but just like me these past 20 years he's much more comfortable on the top. He struggles to stay present in his own body, not get overwhelmed or simply dissociate, when he's the bottom. Being on top, however, is obviously giving him a lot of pleasure by proxy. He loves seeing my reactions, hearing my breath, feeling me squirm. I can tell it turns him on a lot. He also gets a kick out of the power. The idea of controlling me, holding me down "against my will". For example, fucking me in doggy style was ok.. Fucking me in doggy style, while my arms were "forced" up behind my back.. That really turned him on.

For now, we're only lightly playing with the illusion of control. I'm throwing control at him, almost like I did with Novice a few times, and he does what I want him to do. He takes my direction and suggestions, letting me "top from the bottom". However, as opposed to Novice, I can tell that he's really getting off on the power itself. 

It's a balancing act; Teaching, and trying to relax and enjoy at the same time. I would prefer if I didn't have to do it like that. I want to truly yield and let him direct and pace the session, but that isn't possible quite yet. He needs to learn some basic skills first, familiarize himself with my body and responses, and grow more confident in his own judgement. Those things don't happen overnight, but considering the really steep learning curve he's on, it might be sooner than expected. 

I say I want to yield and let him direct everything, and that is true. However, I don't know if I'd be able to do that yet. I haven't been a proper sub for sooo many years, so going down into sub mode and actually staying there doesn't come easy for me. I'm more like a bobber, even when I'm pulled into the deep I quickly float back up again. I both need to trust myself, my body, my responses, but I also have to trust him. Trust that he knows what he's doing... Which, frankly, I don't. Not yet. I trust his intentions though, and it's getting easier to let myself go in his arms. For now, I haven't really been in a submissive mind-state for more than a few seconds at a time, but those seconds have been amazing. Making it very clear to me that I want more. 

Today, I started teaching him some shibari techniques. He's used to handling rope, but not tying people like this. During our last exercise, I experienced a few moments in rope space. I've only seen that happen to others, never felt it myself. It was just as wonderfully peaceful as it's always seemed. For over an hour after being untied, I felt calm, lethargic, almost as if I was on some sort of drug. I absolutely want more of that too. 

The last big technique thing I want him to learn is impact. I really, really want him to hurt me. I tried teaching Arthur, and although he did give me some spanking, it wasn't even close to enough. I want to be pushed, forced, into taking more pain than I think I can handle. I want to try to escape, and whimper, and when there's no other way out I want to cry. I haven't been pushed to breaking in a kink setting for years, and I miss it. (I've never thought of myself as a masochist, I don't get off on the pain itself. I get off on the giving and taking of control, and I get off on being given intense bodily sensations. Pain is just a very efficient way to get both those things.) 

I think he'll be freaked out as fuck in the beginning, just like Arthur was. The idea of hitting someone, of purposefully giving pain, is difficult to wrap your mind around. However, once he grasps how much I'm into it, I think he'll love it. He's already getting off on the power of pleasure, I'm guessing he'll enjoy the power of pain as well. At least I hope so. 

Practical sex ed

When I met Might, he'd never seen a vulva up close, not even seen much from porn. Never touched one either, obviously. He'd also never had vaginal sex. I'm not sure if he'd ever passionately kissed anyone either. 

I've now been in his bed three times, and his learning curve has been dramatic. We've had vaginal sex and tried several different positions (me riding, doggy standing, doggy kneeling on the bed, me flat on my stomach, and most recently today: Him on top and my legs over his shoulders). 

With no prior experience with what Saint once dubbed "people stacking", he's a bit awkward when trying to figure out how to place and move his body. He has no intuitive understand of how our parts fit together yet, even when we're just wrapped around each other cuddling. However, once he's managed to nail a position once, it seems to click into place. After that, he's able to replicate it with much more ease. He's not perfect, obviously, we've only had three goes at this. However, given his dramatic improvement, I'm very optimistic for the future.  

He's also touched my pussy a lot, both sitting between my legs and lying parallel to me. He's getting REALLY good at touching on/around my clit in such a way as to make me insanely turned on, and is excellent at taking directions. Today he kept touching me while I used to metal dildo to make myself squirt, only replacing his hands with a vibrator when I wanted to reach orgasm.

His dick is GORGEOUS. A very defined, large head, and a more narrow shaft. Everything on his body is long, including the dick, but so far the length hasn't been an actual problem. I need lube to avoid rupturing, though, but that seems to be the case these days. Same often happened with Novice, after all. Sucking his dick is very, very nice. He doesn't seem to have that much experience with that either, and I'm enjoying showing him new ways that his body can give him pleasure. 

I haven't been able to make him come yet, though apparently he's been pretty close. He struggles to come, and from what I can gather his orgasms are "muted". Sometimes completely dry, always more a release of tension than something intensely pleasurable. My guess is that this is caused by his anti-depressants, but he's been on them for years and can't really remember how things used to be. It's a mute point, anyway.. I'd rather have him alive than unmedicated. 

There's still a lot of things I'm looking forward to teaching him or showing him or exploring with him. Just on the "vanilla" side of things there's for example: Teaching him to finger me, and to eat me out. Try 69, and make a distraction game out of it. How to suck- and jerk off my Joystick, and possibly the strapless strap-on. I also want to finger him, show him what his prostate can do. Perhaps even make him wide enough to take a dildo, enabling me to fuck him. I'd like to fuck him, and make him enjoy himself. 

He's also amended his previous status as an asexual. He's calling himself demisexual now. Guess I have that effect on people.. Haha.

More on Might - what if?

Like I previously mentioned, I've met Might in three different social circles. So we obviously have a fair bit in common. However, I can't help but compare him to Novice. She and I bonded over books, especially our love for Wheel of Time and anything Brandon Sanderson. True, she read only two books in the 1,5 years we were together, but loving literature / being a book nerd was still a large part of her identity. 

Might has dyslexia, and doesn't have books or reading fiction as an important part of his identity. 

He also doesn't have her incredible, academically oriented mind. She would astound me again and again, whether it was math problems, board game tactics, memory, or just her general knowledge of the world. I felt like her intellectual inferior in so many ways. That was very challenging and uncomfortable, but it was also very rewarding. To some extent, I'm sapiosexual. Her brainpower is really, really sexy.

He's also 8,5 years my junior, and with very, very little experience. He's had only had sex a handful of times, both partners were penis-havers, and neither seems to have cared that much for his pleasure or emotional/mental well-being. He's never been in a romantic relationship at all, long term or otherwise. He's got a long standing interest in BDSM, but at the same time calls himself asexual. (Yes, another person on the ace spectrum. Remember how I said I should be really careful if I ever were to do that again? And then wasn't.)

Of course he also has a history of severe mental illness, but in THAT regard I think he's actually slightly better off that Novice was when I first got to know her. Because he's in regular treatment, is looking at a possible ADHD diagnosis (meaning meds that could help), and isn't currently burning himself out in a full time job. However, I didn't really understand how sick Novice was in the beginning either.. So I'm guessing there's more going on that I'm not privy to.

Can you tell that I'm mostly focusing on the negatives here? I think it's because I've felt my mind latching onto him, and I'm full of doubt. Really unsure if this is actually a good idea at all. Probably going to do it anyway, though.. 

I don't think I can fight this. I realized lately that I'm demi-sexual, but our connection is already more than strong enough. Getting turned on with him, having orgasms, enjoying sex.. That's really not an issue. I want him!

I'm so fucking worried though.. 

Is this just a rebound? 

Or am I so desperately to be desired, loved, or even just liked, that I've latched onto anyone who seems to want me?

Am I just a desperate sub in frenzy, willing to go along with anyone who'll let me experience more?

Am I using him, for my own physical pleasure's sake? Or just to be less touch starved?

Am I taking advantage of a younger, much more inexperienced, fairly insecure guy? Am I just being a creepy, older, experienced dude, like I've seen so many examples of in the kink community? (At least he isn't a blond 19 year old woman.. And I'm not 50. There's that.)

What if I don't fall for him properly, but he falls in love with me?

What if I fall completely head over heels in love with him, like I so often do with people I get hooked on? What if he doesn't feel the same way?

What if he's so mentally ill, so disconnected from his own emotions, that he wouldn't recognize love if it hit him upon the head?

What if he's so inexperienced with relationships, combined with being mentally ill, making him even worse at communicating than Novice? Even worse at dealing with stress and disagreements? Even less able to work on new communication styles and their own insecure attachment?

What if he's so mentally disconnected, he never lets me in? Into his head, into his heart... What if there will always be some sort of divide there. 

What if his asexuality becomes a bigger problem than Cord and Novice being demi and dysphoric? That we start out good, and then end up never having sex, just like so many of my previous relationships?

What if we start out switching, and then end up with both only wanting to submit? 

Am I really just setting myself up for another heart break? This first uncertain phase is so incredibly exhausting, what if there's no stable relationship in the other end? Is it even worth it, just to try?

What if, what if, what if.. 

What if it all just works?

Damn, I want this to work. 

Hooked again

I had to look up how long it's been now, since Novice and I parted ways. She's gradually fading from my immediate consciousness. Of course there are a lot of things that remind me of her, so many times per day she's brought to the forefront again. But she doesn't permanently reside there anymore. 

Part of the reason is just time and distance. The only time we've met and talked, she kept herself very distant from me. It saddened me, because I miss her friendship a lot.. However, it also drove home that she really doesn't want that closeness, that connection. Not now, and maybe not ever again. That's the reality I just have to live with. 

I said part of the reason is time and distance... Part of the reason, I think, is that my mind has latched onto someone else. There's this guy I've met and chatted superficially with in three different settings now: The kink scene, the board-/roleplay convention here years ago, and lastly at this community driven house for people who struggle with mental illness (Fountain House). 

I'm naming him Might, as this might not become anything serious.. I really don't know. It started when I asked if anyone in our kink community wanted to join me and a friend checking out a local Brewery festival in town. That was August 1st, so 8 days ago now. Might said he'd like to meet up with us, so we chatted a bit on Discord beforehand. (I'm realizing now, this is pretty much exactly how Saint and I met as well.)

Two things really grabbed my attention; One was that he'd written on his Fetlife profile that he wanted someone to practice rope/shibari with. I really want to find someone to practice with as well. (Novice and I really didn't do much shibari, considering we're both so into it. So my skills haven't developed much at all these past couple of years.) The second was that he's a switch. A switch like me. That's a pretty heady combo for someone who desperately wants to explore their submissive side, but who also enjoy being the top/dom. He was also willing to practice and possibly play with me, and his previous sexual experiences had been with men. Meaning he wasn't yet another straight cis man, seeing me as a defective woman... 

And he was willing. 

That's a pretty heady mix. 

We met up at that brewery festival, socialized with friends, and eventually left the crowd to talk just the two of us. We kept talking for hours, gradually growing physically closer as well. That single evening was enough. I was hooked on him, fascinated, feeling my obsession with Novice become more like background noise. 

The next morning, August 2nd, he picked me up and we went on an outing with others from that community driven house. Socializing for a few hours, and then again leaving to talk more just the two of us for a few hours before I had to go home. We'd agreed to meet on August 8th, but spontaneously, we met up in his apartment for a few hours on August 5th. He was exhausted, had just gotten back kayaking, but we still talked for a few hours more. Cuddling, hugging, just basking in the physical proximity of another interested adult. (That's the first time we kissed, and frankly he wasn't very good at it. Perhaps not surprising, considering how little experience he has.) 

After that, we changed the date on August 8 from "we'll meet up for a few hours in a local park and do some fully clothed shibari practice", to "we'll meet at his place in the evening of August 7, have dinner together, most likely have sex, do kinky stuff, and I'll sleep over there". And then we did. So that escalated quickly. 

We then agreed we'd meet up again Sunday evening, so that's two days from now.. But we just talked, and agreed I could come tonight. And stay the night until tomorrow. 

So yeah. Escalating, definitely.

Really not sure this is a good idea. 

Don't crack the eggs

Knowing that trans people often find each other, even pre-crack... Knowing that it's fully possible to have no idea you're trans until you're an adult.. It's very, very easy to see signs of gender incongruence in others. However, what I don't know is if there's REALLY something there, or if I'm seeing things specifically because I'm looking for them. Making connections that aren't really there. 

I've gotten to know someone new. Someone I mesh with surprisingly well. Someone who's mentally pretty much exactly where Novice was when I met her; A history of being suicidal and doing self-harm. A complete disconnect between the conscious mind and what goes on deeper down. Really, really struggling to even name the emotions they experience. Not much sexual experience, defining themself as asexual. Interest for kink, particularly bondage. 

Sounds like Novice, right? 

Does that mean this person is trans.. An egg. No, a lot of people struggle mentally, and it can be whatever reasons behind it. But there's more... Little things that MIGHT not mean anything, individually.. But taken together, it's making me wonder. Like long hair, for example.. A lot of men can have long hair, doesn't mean they're secretly transfemme. The same wild-growing beard that Novice had when I met her, a disregard for own grooming... Problems with looking at their own face in the mirror, just like Novice. Could that all just be because of depression and low self-esteem? Sure. It could. 

I'm slowly discovering more intimate things, though.. Sexual stuff that really makes me wonder. 

Again, this doesn't have to mean anything. This could still describe a large number of cismen, I'm sure. It's just that trans people tend to find each other.. Like each other.. Recognize something in each other.. I've got a gut feeling here, and it's making me wonder. 

It can't be forced though. I can't tell them "I think you're transfemme", without potentially causing damage. Eggs won't crack until they're good and ready. So I can't think, suspect and wonder however much I want. I still need to keep to the Trans Prime Directive: Don't crack the eggs.

Accepted (by a group of men)

Tonight was... Good. 

I remember the blog post I wrote years ago called "Accepted". This felt sort of like that.

I got to know a guy at a munch a few weeks back. He's not interested in becoming more than friends, but he's a really good (new) friend to me. He invited me to play D&D 5e with his friend group, and I really, really like most of them as well. 

And I feel.. Accepted by them. In a way I'm not used to. In a way I wasn't expecting. I met these people "on my own". Not through T, or through Saint, or through a game conference or anything like that. I'm not really used to making friends spontaneously like this. Don't know what to expect. 

Now, I'm not sure if they actually, truly, like me, or are just civilized people who know how to behave.. That doesn't really matter, though. Because I felt included and accepted and WANTED among them. That's a wonderful feeling. 

They're also clearly viewing me as something masc. When they slip up and use the wrong pronoun, they automatically go to "he/him". That's wonderfully affirming. I feel almost like an... Equal? Equal in a way I don't remember from when I lived as a woman. There would almost always be some underlying tension back then, because they were men interacting with a (perceived) woman. Even when there clearly wasn't anything sexual or romantic on the table.

I'm not sure if that tension was always a real thing, or if it was my discomfort as a trans-egg leaking through... I could be imagining this tension, projecting my own discomfort (discomfort of myself) onto others. Because I certainly wasn't really feeling my feelings, back then.

In some settings, I'm sure it was real though. At least to some extent. In kink settings for example. The hierarchy, to my mind, was fairly clear.. As a dominant "woman", I had many, many willing potential play partners. Meaning most social interactions were in some ways transactional. They wanted something-, or was considering wanting something from me. I often wanted something from them too. And the dominant men also often saw me as a woman and hypothetical sexual/play partner, even though I never played with any of them. 

When I'm being read as a man now, in a group of other men, things are very, very different. Men I meet are NOT potential sex/romantic partners, for the most part. Without any women in the room, the atmosphere changes. The mood is different. Just like a room of only doms, is different from a room with both subs and doms in it. Yes, that's comphet. Compulsory heterosexuality. It ignores queerness completely. I recognize it for what it is. That doesn't make my experience any less real, however. 

I wrote the draft for this post at 3.30am, but didn't feel I could articulate this properly so I just left the post unpublished. Now over 14 hours later, it hasn't gotten any easier. So I might as well hit publish. Maybe this will be the seed for something I can keep building on at some other time?