A good bye - for now?

Might gave me scabies just after we started seeing each other. I didn't get any symptoms for weeks, and didn't realize that's what it was until a few weeks more. But we eventually found out what it was and treated it. We took EVERY precaution, even going so far as doing a THIRD treatment round to ensure that we were both well and truly scabies free. I also treated Saint and my kids, and really, really don't want to have to put them through anything like that again if I can do anything to help it. 

Back when Might got it, he notified his family. He also notified them when we did our second treatment round. Because you're supposed to "notify" the people you're in close contact with. However, they didn't actually go through any treatment. Because the advice given by his doctor said to "notify", and apparently people are unable to google or think for themselves or some shit. 

The result is that his nephew now has scabies. He babysits his nephews once every week, so we have to assume that's how they got it. And we now have to consider Might, and by proxy me, as "close contacts" to someone with scabies. Again. We have to assume we have been infected, and treat ourselves and our belongings accordingly. That means ANOTHER two rounds of besylbensoat, as well as sanitizing the house and all our belongings. 

In itself, this isn't impossible to deal with. However, Might's brother and his family are using Permetrin (Nix) to treat the scabies. This is what you're recommended to use, but we KNOW that this scabies has survived Nix once. Because that's what Might used the first time he treated himself, before we even met. We also KNOW that this isn't an isolated incident, the scabies in this region of Norway is KNOWN to be semi-resistant to Nix. 

So I can't trust that they're treating the scabies properly and actually getting rid of it completely. Honestly, the fact that they didn't treat back when Might first got infected is itself a red flag to me. It says that they aren't taking this seriously enough. Them getting infected now, just proves that my degree of paranoia isn't an over-reaction. 

I strongly recommended they use Bensylbensoat, but they were advised by their doctor to use Nix so that's what they'll continue with. My guess is that Nix will probably knock the infection back, kill many of the scabies but not all. And then it'll rear it's ugly head again in a month or more. Of course they could get lucky. Nix could work. But I can't gamble my kids health on luck. 

I can't trust them. Might will not stop seeing his family, obviously. So I have to treat them, and by extension him, as plague bringers. Until they've all (parents and grand parents included) been treated with Bensylbensoat and sanitized their house and belongings properly.. Or until I can be CERTAIN that the scabies is gone.. I can't have physical contact with Might. 

I just can't gamble with my kids health. And that feels like a fucking horrible choice to make. 

So tonight I packed up all my belongings and left Might. We hope to be able to salvage our relationship, keeping in touch through Discord and having video chats and such. But this could mean we won't have intimate physical contact until next year. That's 2,5months. As long as we've been together. I'm not sure our relationship can survive that long apart. 

Leaving him today felt like a good buy. I'm just not certain if it's the permanent or temporary kind. 

Spanked - and fighting it

Just a quick note before writing the post I really need to write: 

Might locked me up again yesterday, and I wasn't terrified like last time. So it's obviously a question of habituation. I need to prove to my mind that this isn't dangerous. That I CAN do this, even though it scares me. 

Might also spanked me yesterday. Hard. By far harder than he did under guidance from T a few weeks ago. I eventually used a safeword, because I could feel my head fighting it too much. I wasn't able to let go the way I wanted. I simply need more practice.

He did really well, though. I was surprised by his willingness to try stuff that is obviously quite scary for him. I hope we get to try again sometime. 

How to prove to me that I'm not in control?

I recently had cuffs locked on me, and it obviously triggered something. I think this is an example of what I need, to be able to embrace a more submissive mind state: I need it pounded into me that I am not in control. I cannot escape, cannot stop what's happening, I just have to accept it. Take it. There are several ways to get that point accross, I think. Might and I are exploring some of them: 

1. Bondage, whether tight ropes around the torso or locked cuffs restricting movement and agency, is a very obvious one. 

2. To be made to suck on something, whether a dick or a finger, without being able to pull out.

Might did that to me today, slowly pulling on my collar to make me take his finger further and further down my throat. It was amazing. All my focus was on breathing, accepting it, and not to gag. 

3. To be tied down and fucked, or fingered, or overstimulated, or in some other way used. To make it seem like there's no care made for my horniness or desires or preferences. Just used, the way he wants to use me, for his pleasure. We did something like this when I was attached to "the rig" the first time, plowing my body into the mattress as he fucked me from behind. 

However, it doesn't work super well. Might is on anti-depressants that make him less sensitive and makes it super hard for him to orgasm. So fucking me isn't really something he does for his own sake, and we both know that. 

Really wish it wasn't so. I would love to have him fuck my brains out, cum inside of me, and then just let me stand there, dripping and horny as hell. Unable to move or satisfy myself. A mindless sextoy.

4. Another method would be pain. Impact play, or a ton of pinching or similar. However, I don't think Might is ready for that quite yet. We're just starting to make him accustomed to give commands, in stead of making requests. He doesn't have the self-confidence or the experience yet.

For me to be willing to take a large amount of pain, I would need to be made to take it. I honestly want to be made to take it, but if I'm "in my right mind" why on earth would I want to hurt? Whether by physical manhandling or verbal commands, I would have to be commanded or forced to take the pain. Forcefully told to stand still and painfully punished if I don't, or simply grabbed and held hard where he wants me. Regardless of my struggles, moans, cries or curses. If I think he will stop, if I simply tell him "no" or scream out in pain, then it won't work. I need to be made to take it.

I want us to get there, though. To be beaten until I break, start crying, and then beaten a fair bit more.. That's something I really want. There's a release in crying like that. A yielding. I want to be made to yield. To be forced to yield. 

Out of all of the ways mentioned here, there is no way more efficient than pain, but I can't get there on my own. Can't get there by topping from the bottom, like I do a lot these days. I need his help, his hand, his voice, his mind, his control, his authority. And he isn't ready for that quite yet. I'm not absolutely sure I am either. He's developping quickly, though. Learning and growing every week. And so am I. So I hope we'll get there.

Locked

A lot of blog posts from me lately, but that's because I'm having so many new and interesting experiences. I'm writing because I'm excited, not because I'm upset. 

Today, Might and I did something we've been talking about for a while: He chained my hands behind my back, as we were just doing everyday things in his appartement. Well, it started out everyday, with me attempting to tidy and make him coffee and such.. However, it quickly escalated. I know he gets turned on by watching me helplessly struggle and squirm, which in turn turns me on. He knows I get turned on by the bondage and the exposure, which turns him on more, and around we go.

I've had my hands attached behind my back with him a few times before, for example at the party last weekend. The difference this time, was that the leather cuffs were locked. I also asked him to lock my collar on me. Locked with padlocks. Inescapable. 

I could feel myself freaking out. Heart palpitations, cold sweat, shortness of breath, it felt exactly like a (small) anxiety attack. I knew I could very easily dissociate, escape it all, just go cold and detached. However, I refused to let myself do that. I wanted this. I asked for this. Yes, I was freaking out, but I could also feel sub mode lurking behind it. Fighting towards it felt like swimming upstream, trying not to drown on the way.

Even as I'm writing this, I can feel the anxiety again. My head is pounding, I keep forgetting to breathe, I have this urge to close the laptop and just leave this entire situation. This is obviously a big deal to me.  

It was the locks that did it. Knowing that I couldn't just wiggle out in a couple of seconds, or open some buckle or something. At the same time I was fairly comfortable, as opposed to when we've done similar things with handcuffs. So the discomfort didn't take over, I could allow myself to just exist in that trapped space. 

Might handled me so well. I don't think he fully understood what was going on with me, but he was attentive and gave me exactly what I needed: Physical touch, a way to anchor myself to something outside of my own anxious body. At one point he even said it: "You can relax, I'm the one in control now." Loved that. 

We eventually moved to the bedroom, where he blindfolded me and moved my hands to the front. Locking them to my collar, so I still couldn't touch him or really touch much of anything. Then he touched me, fingered me. I just had to lie there, and at first I felt terrible for not giving anything back. However, that's sort of the point when you're in bondage: You do just have to lie there and take it. 

Eventually, he placed the Satisfyer against my clit and (with a few pointers), made me orgasm. Overstimulating me afterwards, like he often does, he made me thrash and moan. Afterwards, he placed my hips on a wedge, so my legs got tipped over my head, and fucked me. Again making me moan, as his dick slowly and firmly stroked my g-spot. Later, I also got to suck on his dick for a bit, and really loved how hard he was and the taste of his precum. I love those clear and obvious signs that this turns him on too. He wants this, as much as I do. 

The entire session happened fairly organically, one thing leading to another in what seemed like a natural way without major breaks along the way. Might wouldn't have been able to execute anything like this a month ago, or even two weeks ago. The growth in him is amazing to see, and I feel privileged to be a part of it.  

Want to trust, want the ropes

Might and I participated in a couple of shibari classes last weekend, and today we practiced a bit of what we'd learned. Arms tightly bound to my chest, one leg bent and tied towards my chest also, it's without doubt the most restricted I've ever been by ropes in my life. I loved that, and really want to practice more. 

However, the most wonderful thing, to me, was how he used his arms, body and the rope to really make me FEEL something. Not just sit there and be tied, but actually have a shibari experience. I can't remember ever being on the receiving end of that sort of bondage before. I've seen it done lots of times, I've done it myself as a rigger.. But to sit there with my eyes closed and just breathe, as I could feel him tying me tighter and tighter.. It was a completely new, and very, very interesting experience. 

I've been the rope bottom for shibari-style bondage a few times before. Most recently during a photoshoot with a very experienced rigger. However, that was very business-like. The ropework was expertly done, but I was just a model. I wasn't supposed to feel anything. I've also been tied up by Saint once, during a shibari weekend. He tied me in a TK / box tie, and I still have the pictures from that day. Back then, I remember freaking out. I didn't panic, but wasn't far from it. I worried something similar might happen today, but it didn't. 

I'm not sure exactly why I freaked out back in 2017. Perhaps just because it was a socially exhausting experience, with lots of semi-unfamiliar people in a small space.. Combined with lots of learning and physically strenuous activities, I was mentally very tired. However, I don't think that's the entire story. 

I was a lot more uptight back then. Unable to receive at all, without panicking. Unable to just be present in my body, feeling the physical sensations and the emotional impact. What has changed? Egg crack. I realized I was trans. After that, there's been a gradual habituation to receiving. The first time Novice did anything to me, while I just lied there, I struggled to stay present. After a while, that got easier. While I still have to work on this, being the bottom for Might isn't a struggle. The struggle now, is to let myself be the sub. 

Today, I could feel rope space lurking there. Could feel myself sniffing at it, trying it on, without completely being able to embrace it. I think, I hope, that rope space might give me a "back door" into sub space. A safer way to practice letting myself go in his arms, to be present whilst not being in control. That scares me, and I really, really want it.

Might needs more practice handling the ropes, and handling my body. So that I don't have to worry about falling over, or having ropes slip off.. And I need more practice receiving... Anything. Accepting the tightness and the restriction without freaking out. Breathing, just allowing myself to be.  

My poor self-esteem gets in the way too, I think. I need to accept that he actually wants to touch my body, wants to play with me. That I don't have to feel bad. Tying me up or playing with me, isn't an unwanted chore to him. He wants this as much as I do. He clearly enjoys cuddling with me, he comes to me for a kiss before leaving the house, he says he enjoys touching me and playing with me. His words and his actions match. I really, really want to believe him.. But I can't yet. Not fully. I'm too worried the nasty, mean voices in my head are right. I worry he'll end up like Novice, shying away from any sort of physical contact with me, just as I start trusting that he really wants me. That thought terrifies me.

How can I truly let go, whether into rope space or sub space, when I'm unable to trust that I'm even wanted?
How can I trust that I'm wanted? 
How can I trust?

I wish I knew. Because I really, really want to.