Autopilot

I sometimes look at myself in the mirror, looking through her eyes. Judging me by her standards, by feminine beauty standards, and falling short. Way, WAY short. Growing into an increasingly ugly woman. Being horrified. 

And then I snap out of it. I remind myself that I'm not a woman. I see myself as I really am, and I revel in what I'm becoming. I remind myself that SHE is a ghost. A dying remnant of who I used to be, who I thought I was. 

The problem is that she keeps cropping up. Like a weird autopilot, suddenly taking over. Or.... No. Not suddenly. Insidiously. Like smoke, seeping into my brain, eventually choking you. A slowly heating pot, with a frog inside. And once that frog is cooked, once my brain is all in "girl mode", the autopilot runs everything. I eventually get back to myself again, and I hate myself for letting it happen, hate the ease, the comfort, the fake facade. Yet it keeps happening. 

I would have been (even more) filled with self-doubt, worrying I wasn't trans, if I didn't already know that this could happen. I've watched videos on Youtube (for example Dr. Z, she's great) and talked to other transmasc people. I know the brain follows the most familiar path, because it's the easiest. So carving out a new path takes time and repetition. This is apparently normal. It's part of the process for many trans people.

One of the settings where I struggle the most to stay present, is sexually. This is also where it hurts the most when I slip up, because the distinction is so clear. It feels so different. This is particularly the case of being a top/dom/sadist, because it's such a familiar, feminine role for me. And it's not that I don't enjoy myself in the moment. I absolutely do! But it's a veneer, and underneath it is a seething turmoil of dysphoria that I'm suddenly shut off from. You'd think that would be comforting, but it's actually terrifying. I'm terrified of going back to where I was. I know rationally that there's no putting the transness back in the box again, but the worry is still there. I'm afraid I'll slip into "girl mode" and not get back out again. 

When I was with Student yesterday, he wanted to try the torture tie on the leg. I wasn't wearing a binder then, as I'd worn it for too many hours already and my titts hurt. I was naked, and so was he. Just tied up in rope. I didn't notice I'd fallen into "girl mode" until we were done. By then, I was shaking, really upset with myself, hating myself for "letting" it happen, and mentally really tired. I wanted to just pack up and leave. Luckily, Student gently convinced me to stay. To re-connect. 

First he suggested I put on the strap-on or packer. I chose the strap-on, as it has the most powerful grounding effect on me. I then put the binder back on too. With those two modifications to my body, I could feel myself coming back to myself. Settling. Shoulders down, muscles more relaxed. My body was my own again, my mind was at ease. The autopilot was off, the girl was gone (for now), and I could breathe again. Think again. Exist again. I'm very glad he insisted I stay, and pushed me to re-connect. Would probably have dropped like a stone afterwards, if he hadn't. 

I need to integrate these different parts of me, whilst keeping hold of the "self" that I now know myself to be. I don't really know how, though. For now, my focus is to stay present. Even when I'm neck deep in dysphoria triggering stuff. Even when naked. Even when hurting someone, or being fucked, or tying them up. I keep slipping... But I hope I'll get better at catching myself. Stopping myself. 

You can't work on a problem, if you don't first acknowledge that the problem exists. I've acknowledged it. Now I just have to keep working on it.