Tethering to stay present

Back around Christmas I wrote a couple of entries about how I felt like I'd lost my place in the kink community because I've lost the "femdom" label. I also concluded that I've probably been service topping for many, many years, without much regard for my own needs or wants. Because the pre-"egg crack" mind makes some really convoluted twists and turns, to avoid thinking consciously about the fact that you're trans. 

Lately, I've started exploring kink again. It's a REAL struggle to stay out of "girl mode" when I'm on top. Like a car driving on a road with deep ruts, I keep falling back in whenever I lose concentration. The worst part is that once I'm down there, I usually don't really notice it's happened. It's like putting on a very well worn pair of gloves. It's easy. Familiar. In stead, I start dissociating. I'm an excellent service top, and to some extent I'm enjoying myself.. But I'm not really present, and I always feel really bad afterwards. It's not a place I want to be. It's not a role I want to have. 

Same thing happens whenever I have sex (or do anything sexual) without the binder. It happened with War, as well as with the boardgames, titts-fetish dude I hooked up with the other day. The sex is ok, the experience isn't actually BAD... And, I mean, I do enjoy my nipples being played with. It's not fake. But I feel terrible afterwards. Super dysphoric. So it's not really worth it. 

I keep zoning out when trying to write this post. My mind shields away from the topic. Even though the trans sleeper has awakened, thinking about these things is still so uncomfortable that my mind is trying to distract me from it. And whilst those were viable tactics before, as a way of surviving, they aren't conductive strategies for dealing with my life anymore. I need to handle this, need to think these thoughts, need to integrate my trans-self into the rest of me. Need to counteract 35 years of conditioning. So, to get back to the topic at hand: 

I feel like I'm making progress. Last time I played with Elle, I noticed when I was slipping. I managed to stop, tell her what was going on, and do something to ground myself in the present. Ground myself in my gender. Then we continued. I've also become a bit better at not just doing things I think the other person would enjoy, but ask myself: Would I enjoy that? If the answer is "not really", I don't do it. I'm not always able to do this, but I'm getting better. 

The grounding, for now, has been all about the dick. I've bought an amazing packer from MorMe. It arrived a couple of days ago, and I've worn it almost continuously (when awake) since then. Last time I handled a packer, it didn't go well.. But I've thought a lot about bottom dysphoria since then, and suspected I'd end up liking it, and I was right: 

Wearing it, touching it, seeing it, is both affirming and grounding. It tethers me more strongly to my own gender identity, makes it less likely that I'll just float away and dissociate. Watching myself touching the head of the packer in the mirror, I can actually feel the touch in my clit. The mind is amazing sometimes. 

However, the packer isn't enough in a long play session. I can still feel myself slipping away, and with Elle last time I managed to stop it from happening. I swapped the packer for the strap-on, and that worked; Seeing myself with an erect dick is the most amazing feeling. Shoving it into someone's mouth feels amazing, and just being touched is pretty amazing as well. I've ordered the Joystick from Transthetics, which will hopefully be even better. 

There's more to this, but that needs a separate post. Read on.