Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Humiliation and chastity

Blogging seems to be more and more like a chore these days. However, I do it anyway because I know I'll want this documentation later on. It's valuable to be able to look back and say "Look! This is how I thought back then, and this is what I did. This is how I felt". Besides, the blogs I've made my playthings write are very valuable to me, as it gives me insight into their minds. I learn things I probably wouldn't have found out otherwise, as I see things more from their perspective. So I continue writing.

Met up with Corvus at the party. Noticed straight away that something was wrong. Made him talk to me about it. He wasn't in the mood for a party with a lot of happy people. He was introvert, stressed, tired and just felt really uncomfortable there. He showed me a text he'd written before going to the party, where he asked for a beating. A beating that would make him break down and cry. I suggested we leave soon, head back to my place and give him what he wanted. Although he was very sceptical, he eventually agreed. He has a thing for corsets, so I had him help me into mine and lace me in, to see if that might snap him out of his black mood. It didn't help one bit, he was unresponsive and passive. We eventually left the party, just over 90 minutes after we'd gotten there.

Back home, he layed down on the bed. I talked to him for a bit and noticed that he was shivering from a lot of emotions held in too tight. I realised subtility wouldn't be of any use, so I had him remove his pants and then spanked him. Hard. I mostly used a big wooden spoon. It didn't take many minutes until the dam broke. I'd expected him to fall asleep once he'd finished crying, but on the contrary he seemed to perk up. After a bit of talking, we ended up doing more playing. Mostly pain-related, as that was my intended "theme" for the evening. But with bits of pleasure interspersed, so as to keep him off balance.

He slept here from Friday to Saturday, tied to the bed. Never had anyone tied to the bed before, not for a whole night, and so I made sure he'd be able to get out on his own. The next morning, we did some more playing, but not much as he needed to leave.

Saturday evening, T was going to a party and Corvus would be comming over to my place again. He arrived quite late, around 10pm, I think. I then tied him up and used him as a footrest for a while. It was interesting enough, but not something I'll do every time. After tying him in a more comfortable position on the floor in front of the couch, we proceded to wach the movie Secretary, as he hadn't seen it before.

Afterwards, I spent quite some time humiliating him in various ways. It's strange how he gives every impression of loathing what I do to him and how small I make him feel... And yet afterwards he tells me it was good and that he enjoyed it. It just doesn't make sense to me. Also, when the sub gets down so far that he becomes nothing more than an object, I'm somewhat at loss on what to do next. I know which buttons to press to get him down there, to a state where he'll let me do practically anything to him and where he has very little will or initiative of his own.. But once he's down there, what am I to do with him?

Part of the enjoyment of what I do, wether it's pleasure or pain, is the subs will rebelling against me. Not an active rebellion ofcourse (I get a bit annoyed at subs that act out constantly), but a presence behind the eyes that lets me know there is still a concious, thinking, reasoning human in there. And that presence, that spirit, will only be pused so far so fast. Outbalancing that sense of self enough that I can get away with pushing on the boundaries, and yet not enough that it'll shut down and stop playing... That's an art. And it's something I love doing.

The truly humiliated sub, as least as I've encountered it in my playthings, has very little will to do anything. Certainly not rebel against me. He is just passive, waiting on my will. This state of mind is a very, very powerful tool that I'm sure I could use for something. I just haven't figured out for what purpose yet.

Anyhow, once I was done humiliating him, I tied him up and started using pleasure as a tool in stead. He hadn't been alowed to come since Tuesday. I have a goal of one day making him come with me present, and this is partially to work towards that goal. (Though ofcourse there are also other reasons for giving such instructions.) Anyhow, I got him as turned on as he's ever been, without comming. So horny he couldn't lie still, and even once bit his own arm as a way of staving off the hornyness. He eventually grew tired, so we stopped for the night. Again, he slept tied down.

The next morning, I did it again. I made him that turned on. It's fun, this power it gives me. I gave him two new orders. One on his request. Not sure I feel about him requesting such things from me, and me agreeing to them. Perhaps I should be stricter? But then, he DOES present some fairly good ideas. I won't ignore them, just because they're comming from him. At least as long as I feel that my domination of him is fairly stable and secure. He requested that he be made to have with him certain objects that he has a fetish for whenever he's at home. He'd be likely to do it anyway, but it comming from me made it stronger and enforced the insentive to actually do it.

The instruction I gave him was met with a mixture of dread and desire. I told him that at least once per day he would make himself as turned on as he'd been when he was with me that day. He would enjoy it, but he would not come. This is, ofcourse, a way to make his forced celebacy more difficult.

Corvus has a strong sense of duty and I knew he'd do his very best to do as I told him. That's why his blog entry for Sunday, which I just recieved per e-mail, surprised me a fair bit. Apparently, he came that day. He claims it was an accident. It made him feel guilty and sad and it wasn't actually pleasurable, because he knew he wasn't supposed to do it.

I'm uncertain about how to handle this situation. In everything I've asked him to do, Corvus has been dutiful and comitted, almost to a fault. I have two posible ways of thinking about this:

Either, he's telling me the full truth. In which case he's already beating himself up over this far worse than what I could ever do to him. If he's telling the truth, all he needs is some form of formal punishment. Mild enough that he can take it, but harsh enough that it feels like actual punishment and not just more playing. It would make him feel better, as he would feel he'd done some sort of attonement. Thus it would clean away some of his guilt, and time will have to do the rest. There is little I can do.

Or, he's not telling me the full truth. The truth could for example be that he made a concious (or semi-concious) decition to come. Even though he knew he wasn't supposed to. Because he was so turned on and he wanted to. It may or may not have been pleasurable, that isn't the point. Afterwards, he felt guilty. And so he confessed.

This has two possible implications. Either, he's just unable to ressist temptation. Or he is unwilling to follow my instructions, or at least some of my instructions. If the first is the case, then it could easily be solved with some sort of chastity device. But honestly, I don't expect him, a man of 36, to have urges that strong. If he'd been 18, it would have been another matter entirely. If the second is the case, namely that he doesn't want to follow my instructions... Then we have a problem. A big problem. Because that would mean that he had an issue with my command and didn't voice it, didn't talk to me about it. Lack of communication is VERY serious in my book. (Or that the whole submissive thing is a sham and he's only been pretending all along. Which frankly just isn't possible. I know him better than that.)

So if he wasn't perfectly honest with me, and I do find out somehow, we'll probably have to talk it over. I'd have to hear his reasons and such, not only for disregarding my instructions, but for being less than completely truthfull about it. I don't know what I'd do, if this was the case. Depends on his resons, I suppose.

Honestly, I trust Corvus. I trust that he's being truthful and not holding anything back. And so we're back at the first scenario I outlined. I better start thinking about possible punishments. Corporal punishment will certainly be part of it, but he's able to handle that so well. On it's own, it isn't punishing enough. So I need to think of something else too...

On a side note: I really want to get myself a cane. Oh, and I want more clothes pins. Preferably made for sadism, meaning that they are ajustable (typically with a screw) and that they "bite" in the very front. Though I can make due with regular clothes pins for now.

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