Fingers and fantasy

Not even sure what I'm writing about yet, just felt like writing something. Usually, something comes out when I do, and there's obviously something on my mind, so here we go. Free association time: 

-Having rushed sex, leaving immediately after because of time. Trust, love. Comfortable. Should be dropping, but I'm not. Pleasantly surprised. Feeling guilty anyway.  

-So much time together. Worry they'll grow tired of me. Worry I'm too much. Care too much. Love too much. Want too much. Too rough, too horny, too intense.. And yet, there's that touch. There's no distance, neither emotional nor physical. Would I know, if they were just humoring me? I think so.. I hope so. 

-Feel like I've known them for years, yet we've only been together 7,5 weeks. Feel like I don't know them at all, at the same time. There's so much about their life, history, family, preferences, that are unknown yet. Stuff I would have known, if I'd really known them for years. I want that familiarity. I want them, skin and bones and dreams and trauma, all of them as they are. Is THIS too much? Am I being creepy now? Would they leave me, if they knew?

-Reminded of that Eurovision song from years ago: "A monster like me". Not my choice though. I can't choose FOR someone else. They say they want me. At some point, you just have to choose to trust. To fall. And I've fallen for them. It was impossible to do anything else. 

-Their fingers are magical. I've never been touched like that by anyone. The things they can do to my clit, I didn't think were possible. I love it, every second of it, and yet it's SO hard. (Ah, there we are. This is the topic my mind was struggling with. Here we go: ) 

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Actively receiving pleasure from someone else is almost impossible for me, because my mind keeps trying to dissociate. It's so hard to stay present, anchored in my own body, in the sensations, in the pleasure. My mind wants to escape, to hide. Yet when I do, the pleasure is a lot less intense. 

I'm getting better though, managing to stay present for longer. Letting it build more, enduring more intense touch over time. Having my clit played like that is the best possible motivation. This is good, old-fashioned conditioning; Stay present and receive pleasure. Dissociate, and the pleasure is greatly diminished. They don't even have to do anything in particular to enforce this, it happens spontaneously. 

I greatly desire to keep doing this, pushing at this fear, this block in my mind. Not just because the pleasure itself is wonderful (although it is), but because receiving pleasure for me is bottoming. Closely related to submission. I don't want to do that everyday "yes ma'am, no ma'am, may I put my collar on please ma'am" sort of submission. Not at all, not as a sub. It feels utterly pointless for me at this time (might change in the future, who knows). 

But I want the sexual submission. Because it's so difficult for me to receive pleasure, I want to be MADE to receive pleasure. Forced (consensually, obviously!). My choices removed (or at least, the illusion of choices removed), I hope will give me more freedom to just.. Be. To enjoy. 

I've been having fantasies about forced orgasms, orgasm torture, post-orgasm torture (over-stimulation), fucking machines, wands etc. for... How many years? Close to 20, I think. With bondage as an obvious part of it all.

It's not easy for others to make me cum... However, I dream about someone taking the time and energy to learn how to. To basically go "you might not cum from this, but damn if I'm not going to do everything in my power to give you pleasure.. and you won't be able to stop me.". I want someone to not stop, when I beg them to. To cuff my wrists, force my legs apart, and keep giving me pleasure... Varying in intensity and placement a bit, obviously.. Or I'll just grow numb. But keep doing it, regardless of how "too much" or "too intense" it might be for me. 

This is all a fantasy, though, which at this point isn't really possible in real life. Because it doesn't matter if my body is physically unable to escape, if my mind just dissociates and escapes that way. So what I need is practice. Practice receiving pleasure, without my mind drifting away. Practice staying present, staying in my body, feeling all the feelings. 

I have no idea if Novice will ever be able to do the things to me that I dream about. I hope there's a pleasure dom(me) in there somewhere, but I don't know for certain. What I'm pretty certain of, though, is that they don't seem to mind letting me practice.. And hot damn, those fingers!

A reaching out

Novice and I met up in their apartment for the first time on Monday the 31st of October. We're not sure when we went from "just playing" to "together", but have (a bit arbitrarily) sat the date to December 3, 2022. (I seem to recall that being the first time we had penetrative sex, but don't quote me on that.) 

Some time in December, can't remember when, I told Novice I loved them. They didn't say it back. I'm used to that inequality, Arthur was the same for years... But it still isn't pleasant. It gives ample grounds for uncertainty and anxiety to thrive.

I couldn't NOT say it, though. The love I feel inside me, is like a tidal wave. It fills me up, threatens to sweap my legs out from under me, makes me gasp for breath. I'm in love. That's how it works.

I know these first 4-6 months is the "crush phase". The time when everything is sweet and wonderful. I have no idea where we'll be in half a year, or what I'll feel for them then. Right now, it feels like I'll love them forever, but it always feels like that at first. So I don't dare trust those feelings of longevity. 

It doesn't matter, though. My feelings now are still real, still love. Strong, heady, wonderful love. I couldn't NOT express it. 

Just like with Giant, I suspected that Novice had stronger feelings for me than they were extressing with words. They practically admitted as much, in one of the last days of 2022. So I pushed a bit. Not too much, I think, but I wanted them to explore their feelings. Feel them. Name them. Not just hide from them, because of fear or trauma.

Novice is always reaching for me, touching me, holding me. Always seeking some sort of physical closeness. I love that! I especially love that I don't have to be the one nagging about it. They want as much, perhaps even more, physical touch as me. It makes me feel seen. Appreciated. Cared for. Loved. This single thing, in itself, made me suspect that they loved me as much as I loved them. 

Very late last night, Novice initiated sex. Fully, on their own, no prompting or hints from me, verbal or non-verbal. They took the initiative. It stunned me, in a very positive way. That situation just never happens to me. I think it's a sign of greater intimacy between us. More trust. More closeness. And perhaps that's what we needed, for them to trust themself. For them to trust my feelings for them. 

This morning, Novice told me that they love me too. Finally.

I'd intellectually accepted that they haven't said it before, but it's been emotionally really hard. A weight, a nagging uncertainty in the back of my mind. A self-hating voice whispering in my ear "you're nothing to them. You're too much, you feel too much, you're just going to get hurt again". 

With the word "love", they lifted that weight off me. I feel like I can breathe. Like I can relax. Like I'm safe, emotionally really safe, with them. The last of the walls I know I've held up, came crumbling down. There's no more conscious reservations on my end. I can just feel. Just be. Just love. Just be loved. 

Beloved. 

Like a hand in a well-worn glove

With Elle no longer being given almost half my week, my schedule has opened up a lot. That's benefited Novice. I practically live with them now, all the time I'm not at home. In fact, we jokingly started calling their apartment my "home" too, and while I know this is the NRE / crush / raging love hormones talking, I still enjoy it. It feels right. Surprisingly right. 

Where my relationship with Elle was a tumultuous, raging hot, explosive bonfire, my relationship with Novice is like a fireplace; The bonfire might be more exciting at first glance, and it will certainly catch your attention, but I know which one I prefer to have inside my living room...!

From the very first time I visited Novice in their apartment, we've felt... Similar. Connected. There's a strong sense of us simply fitting together, like a hand in a well worn glove. It surprised us both. This relationship feels to easy!

Novice is a geeky, bookish academic in their 30ies, only 5 years my junior. They're primarily a sub and masochist, which is something I sure enjoy, but they also seem curious about switching (at least to some degree). They feel like very familiar territory, both in terms of interests and kinks, while still bringing a lot of new things to the table. I learn something from them, or with them, every day. I love that.

This relationship feels stable. It's felt stable and predictable almost from the very beginning, in the best possible way. I sleep better now. I feel less tired, less like I'm always playing catch-up. I do better at work. I feel more motivated, less depressed. (Still pretty angsty, sure, but that too feels more managable now that my sleep schedule has improved.) 

I'm not saying there aren't issues. We're two pretty fucked up people, after all. There's a history there that can't be ignored; Trauma, and unhealthy coping-mechanisms, and bad relationships, and dysphoria, and low self-esteem, and fear. Fear of who we are, fear of the future, fear of being seen, fear of changing, fear of being vulnerable, fear of being lost, abandoned, ignored, unloved. Yet through that fear, there are veins of gold. Through that fear, there is love.

"Each time we live, we get to love again. That was the answer. It all swept over him, lives lived, mistakes made, love changing everything."  

-"The Gathering Storm", by Jordan&Sanderson, the chapter called "Veins of Gold". 

I miss

Seeing you again today was fine. More than fine. It was wonderful. Bittersweet, sure, but wonderful nonetheless...

Until your girlfriend showed up. 

I'm no longer her equal. Can no longer demand or expect your attention or be a priority when she's in the room. If this was a race (which it wasn't), she's won. I've lost. 

I've lost you. 

It was necessary. 

We agreed. 

We still agree, in fact. 

But seeing you with her made it even more real. You two have a life together now, a life I'm not a significant part of. A life I don't have. It was necessary, but fucking hell it hurts.

I miss you. I miss what I wanted us to be. 

I miss. 

Imaginary (a de-escalation)

Elle and I are sort of through, and sort of not. I won't go into the reasoning here, it's irrelevant. The point is: We both agreed, yesterday, that we can't continue the way we had.. This relationship won't be as serious anymore, and won't escalate. She'll never meet my kids, she'll never be a part of my family. That dream is over. We're de-escalating. 

If we'd been monogamous, that would have been the end. We aren't, so it isn't. The relationship isn't over, but it's taken a new form. A more casual form, where we'll meet up a few times per month in stead of thrice per week. We'll keep playing and having sex, keep hanging out, keep being friends, and if our feelings survive then we'll keep loving each other. But that's it. It's no longer a "full-time" relationship, equal with Saint and (on her end) Liberty. 

So we're both over, and not. She's both an ex, and not. I've both lost her, and not.

It feels like a loss, though. It feels like heartache. Yet, what I'm grieving isn't our relationship, isn't her, it's what COULD have been. I'm grieving what I wanted us to be. I'm grieving a dream, not the reality. In reality, we were a turbulent, stressful mess, almost from the very beginning. This ending, or changing, is the best thing that could have happened, given the circumstances.

And yet.. And yet, I grieve. I'm moody, sad, want to push everyone and everything away. I want to cry, but I can't. My stomach hurts, I forget to breathe deeply, my jaw is tense, my shoulders are high and tight. 

I keep feeling silly... In a way, I wanted this. Or at least, I know it was the right call. And I haven't lost her, really, we're just.. Keeping the bits that work and getting rid of the rest. We'll probably be better for it, both individually and together. There's all these rational reasons why I should be just fine with this.

And yet I'm not fine. I'm sad. Devastated. Heartbroken. I'm trying to give myself space to feel those feelings. It's so easy to suppress them, because I "shouldn't" feel this or that.. But all feelings are valid, and they don't have to make sense. That's what I keep telling myself, anyway, trying to stay present. Trying to keep feeling, even though it hurts. Even though I don't want to. Staying present, even though fleeing from this is so much easier.

It just... Hurts. 

I miss her. Or.. I miss what I wanted her to be. I miss my dream of us. But that dream was just imaginary. I think happiness is still within our reach. Not the happiness I thought wanted, not the world I created in my dreams.. But maybe a more honest one. I hurt.. But there's also a relief.

A wider hole

Remember in 2021 when I struggled to have sex with Arthur because I kept tearing? I tried dilating to open up more, but struggled to get any progress.

I don't know if it's because of testosterone, topical estrogen applied locally to my pussy a couple of times per week, very calm lichen sclerosus, or regular sex... Probably a combination of all of those.. But getting those big dildos into me just isn't a problem anymore. I also generally feel wetter and the skin down there looks healthier. 

I still need to be very wet and worked up to get the big ones in, but when I am, they're fine. Really enjoyable, actually. 

And that's lucky, because I love having sex with Elle, and she's big. Close to the size of Arthur, I think, maybe slightly less thick. If my pussy had been as defective now as it was back then... Well I would be a lot more frustrated. So I'm glad everything is working well these days. 

One-night-stands

In that old blog post from two years ago, I concluded that the reason I hadn't had many one-night-stands was that it came down to trust, and my own trauma. I wrote: 

"I'm not even sure what I'm afraid of, really... I think it's 60% body issues and 40% a fear of disappointing them. Of not being good enough.

But if I could let myself trust? Oh yeah, there would be a lot more one night stands in my future."

In October 2021, it clicked: I was trans. That's what I was afraid of.

In December 2021, I came out. 

Then came 2022 and it was a year full of sex. I had 12 different sexual partners; Saint, Cord, Student, NN, Elle and Novice are mentioned here by name (pseudonym). In addition, I had six one-night-stands where genitals were involved (not all of them piv). 

In the scope of a year, that isn't a lot. But seeing as I didn't start fucking around until I'd started testosterone, and do very, very few random hook-ups when all my time is taken up by a new flame.. That means no hook-ups in January-March, then I dated Cord for two months in spring, and have dated Elle for almost six months now.. Leaving the majority of my random hook-ups for about six weeks in early summer, averaging a new person every week. Which is pretty impressive, when I'd never had one-night-stands before.

Do I still worry that I'm not good enough? Sure, but that's mostly a concern with regular partners. For random hook-ups I don't really care what they think of me. I'm there to have sex, that's all. 

Do I still have body-issues? Sure, tons. But I know what's causing those issues now, and things like wearing a binder (or a strap-on) makes it more manageable. Don't get me wrong: I'm still fat, and have oodles of internalized fatphobia to deal with. But again: I don't really care what random hookups think, or at least I don't care as much as I used to.

Is it all because of testosterone? A lot of it, sure. I experience unmanageable horniness that needed some sort of outlet, and I grew more willing to take risks. But that willingness to take risks, in itself, wasn't only fueled by testosterone. It was also a letting go of my own inhibitions, my own fear of myself. I'm still a control freak, but I don't hold on quite as tightly anymore. I'm not quite as high strung as I used to be. Also, my relationship with sex isn't driven by scarcity as much as before. Sure, no one likes bad sex, but there will always be other sexual encounters. That's different from before too. 

The most pivotal thing in my relationship with sex wasn't the testosterone in itself, though. The most pivotal thing was realizing that I was trans. When so much of your mental capacity is being used trying to keep that knowledge away from myself, no wonder the rest of my mind didn't work very well... I'm not saying everything is ok now, I'm still a traumatized, angst-filled mess of a person.. But some things are easier, at least. And sex is one of them. 

I'm toasting 2022 as a good year for sex, and hope 2023 will be even better.  

I'm not broken, I just love sex

In January two years ago, I wrote about being on the hypersexual side of the spectrum. Reading that again now, I see a lot of shame in it. A worry that I'm broken, somehow, that having such a high sex drive was wrong in some way. 

I just listed to a podcast interviewing a well-known transman about sex and sexuality (with NO mention of him being trans, since that wasn't the topic. That was refreshing.). He talked about how sex is his a big part of his life, it makes him get up in the morning, it's a big interest of his. He'll have vanilla sex, kinky sex, sex with any gender, and just generally enjoys sex. He can have a spontaneous desire for sex and it can also be reactive, triggered by sensual touch or other stimuli. 

It seemed so natural when he said it, and I realized that I'm like that too. I've always had an interest in sex and sexuality, ever since I was a child. I've enjoyed learning about it, exploring it, reading about it... I think it could be called a special interest of mine. Both having sex (alone or with others) and learning about sex. 

Having sex is like hiking through the woods; You often walk the same path, but you almost always experience something new and exciting. Even if everything is the same, by hiking with a new partner you experience the path differently. Sometimes, you go a completely different route, and both the familiar and the new is well worth your time. Returning to an old path is also good, but it can never be exactly the same as it was when you were last there. It's an ever-changing landscape open for exploration and enjoyment. 

Sex is important to me, and I won't be ashamed of that interest any longer.