Adulting is hard

Elle and I agreed to "de-escalate" our relationship in early January. We were supposed to meet up a few times per month still, supposed to keep playing and having sex and caring for one another... That's what we agreed. But we haven't. 

We've met once since then, where I told her I needed more time apart. I wasn't ready to start seeing her again, I was still grieving over us, over what we never would be. Then weeks past. Several weeks.

All my free time lately has been spent with Novice. They're all I think about. I wondered if that NRE was getting in the way of my interest for Elle, or if I genuinely didn't want to be with her anymore. I still have feelings for her, love her even, but we weren't good for each other. Not as full time partners, at least. I didn't want that again, but couldn't figure out what it was I wanted in stead.

In the end, I realized that keeping her at arms length, but not letting her go, wasn't fair. It wasn't adult, responsible behavior. If I'd wanted to be with her, I would have known. So tonight I did the adult, responsible thing: I let her go. Ended it. We're done.

We consider ourselves "friends with benefits" now, but I won't be able to hook up with her in quite some time. I need my feelings for her to die down first. 

I think she's gorgeous and amazing, and letting her go really sucks. Even when, perhaps especially when, I know it was the right thing to do. It was right, but it sucks. 

Adulting is hard. 

Tied and teased

Wrists trapped to the bed by leather cuffs, a soft blindfold over my eyes. A loose shirt (your shirt) covering my arms and shoulders, partially buttoned to protect me from top dysphoria. 

My bottom half is completely bare, naken. My eyes covered by the blindfold, I can't see you. But I can feel you. You're sitting on the bed between my legs. On of my legs is locked by yours, so I can turn my body away, can't close my legs, can't escape. 

I know you're watching me, as I lie there naken and spread open. Vulnerable. Available. I squirm a bit, but can't get anywhere. I have nowhere to go, nothing to do, but lie there. Lie there, as you give me whatever you want to give. 

Teasing, excruciatingly light touches. You make me beg for your touch. You enjoy hearing me beg, enjoy reminding me of how helpless I am. My only job, you remind me, is to receive. To enjoy.

And I do. 

I do. 

And I'm so, so grateful. 

Thank you, my love. Thank you for your patience, for your attention, for your time, for your understanding. Thank you for your trust. For your love. And for your fingers and tongue. 

Thank you. 

Blow me

Novice went down on me, gave me oral sex, for the first time last night. They're just as amazingly skilled with their tongue as with their fingers, so sensation-wise it was a wonderful experience. Angst-wise, I was really stressed out before starting, and a broken, angstfilled, exhausted mess afterwards. 

It's weird. Lots of people have gone down on me. It usually doesn't bother me, and typically feels pleasant. Nice. I think the fact that Novice' mouth felt so incredible, actually made it more difficult for me to handle. I struggle receiving pleasure to begin with, I feel selfish. Bad. I also worry they're just doing it for my sake, worry they don't enjoy themselves etc. On top of all that comes bottom dysphoria I usually try to ignore... But it becomes almost impossible to ignore when their face is RIGHT THERE. Don't think I've ever been THAT present during oral before, and that wasn't really a pleasant experience. 

I want more, though. Their mouth felt really, really good, and it's something I want to learn how to enjoy more of. There's also lots of potential for fun switching there... Doing 69, playing a distraction game.. Or tying my wrists down, forcing me to just lie there and take it... Or tying them down and using their face as a grinding toy.. Lots of fun potential, and I want it all.

I can't just decide not to get angsty.. But I can practice, I can basically do exposure therapy, until the bad recides and the pleasure dominates the experience. I want that. I want their mouth. 

I want to make them blow me.