Eternally service topping - a symptom?

Today, 28th of February 2022, my new first name was officially approved. I'm thrilled. 

In not-so-great news: My winter holiday plans with Tight had to be canceled, because I caught covid-19. I'm still not well, and I got a really mild version. Saint is worse off, poor guy, but he also seems to slowly be on the mend. 

But what I really wanted to write about was another realization I've made with regards to dysphoria/dysmorphia and BDSM. Remember when I wrote about the things I like? Towards the end, I wrote "That isn't a very extensive list for someone who's been in the BDSM scene for over 18 years. I'm pretty sure there should / could be a lot more on both lists, but I'm simply not in-tune enough with my own emotions or desires to know what else I could write."

Now I think I know what that was about.

I've been almost exclusively a dom/top my entire adult life. And 95% of the time, I've more or less been service topping: I've been trying to figure out what kind of experiences the sub has wanted, and tried to give it to them (within the whims and boundaries of my own desires, obviously). I still get off on the power/control, and I'm definitely a sadist: I get turned on by hurting people (consensually, obviously). I get turned on by making people take more than they thought they'd be able to, get turned on by getting people into the mood/frame of mind that I want. But it's almost always done within the frame of service topping. 

When other doms talk/write about doing exactly what THEY want (within the previously agreed boundaries), it seemed... Foreign.. to me. Incredibly selfish. And yet, I was getting really, REALLY tired of service topping. It felt exhausting, as though I was just a kink dispenser. 

Thing is, I do feel pleasure, and I am able to do as I please.. As long as it's not personal. Removed from my own body. When I have him under my hands, I'm able to do a lot of things that I enjoy.. It's when it comes to my (physical) pleasure that I just.. Can't. 

It's just.. I don't feel like I deserve to feel physical pleasure. That I'm not... Worthy.. Deserving.. Enough.. That my wishes for my body shouldn't come first, ever. And it's not a question of low self esteem.. Well, it's a bit of that too, but not that much. I'm a lot more confident now than 15 years ago, and yet my behavior when I'm on top is much the same. Even when someone is fingering me to an orgasm, I'm more concerned with THEIR well-being than my won. And very often, I won't let the encounter get that intimate. Consciously or sub-consciously, I usually maneuver the play away from my own body. 

And yet I crave touch. I just can't demand it. It would feel fake and undeserved. 

But I think this pattern of behavior to a large degree is linked to my gender. I've got so much gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia, that I therefore aren't able to TAKE what is being freely offered in a BDSM setting. Aren't able to demand the things I really want and need. In stead, I give and give and give. And when I have no reserves, no more to give, I withdraw. 

And I hope.. I fervently wish.. that this instinct to keep everyone at arms' length, to not have any focus on my own physical needs, my own pleasure.. that it will change when I've been on testosterone for a while. Maybe then I'll dare to let the real dom in me out to play.

New name

It's been just over 5 weeks since my last post, and here's what has happened: 

-I closed down my FemDom server. It wasn't that active, no one wanted to make the effort to get activity going again, and the other mods didn't want to take over. 

-Arthur has disappeared into a depressive black hole. He won't be coming up here this winter, which makes me sad. I really, really miss him. I hope he'll get better soon.

-I started talking with Tight again, because I knew they were non-binary too. Turns out we still have a really good connection and enjoy each other's company. They're coming up here next week, sort of like how Arthur and I have done before; hotel and such. However, Tight and I don't have the same dynamic at all, and I know we won't have the same intense relationship. They're nice, though. And fun to play with. And I'm looking forward to cuddling and chatting and relaxing for a few days. 

-I'm still awaiting my appointment at the hospital. It's been moved from early February to mid March. So I'm still in limbo and can't start testosterone yet.

-I changed my name. 

Yeah, you read that right. I changed my name. It happened yesterday, February 15. I no longer have a feminine first name, I now have a masculine first name. The new name is very similar to my necronym, just a masculine version of it. So I'm keeping my old initials and such. That was important to me. 

I've applied for the legal name change, but it'll be another 3 weeks until I get a response. I've told work, and my parents, and I've changed the name on my Gmail and my Facebook. I've ordered a new sign for my mail box, and I've started the process of notifying all sorts of organisations and such where I'm a member. There's some ways to go, but the most important steps are done.

I'm out.