Hore and Madonna

I've decided to just push the shit with my parents out of my mind for now. It doesn't drastically change my daily life anyway, as we didn't have that regular contact with them. So: Business as usual, or at least as much as possible. 

Yesterday, I went out to the nightclub again. Met up with Elle and spent the night fondling and touching and kissing her, in between singing karaoke and stuff. We still don't have anywhere private to meet up, but she was driving me crazy for her... So we left the club around 1.30 and drove to a deserted parking lot. There was a bit of rope, and more kissing and touching and scratching and biting, and then we talked for a good long while afterwards. I went down on her (making her number 35 on That List. That's 5 more names in a month!). She also sucked on my cock, which still tickles my brain in all the right places. (Glad I had the strap-on with me in the car..) I really wanted to cuddle more with her, we both craved that skin-on-skin contact, but it was really cold outside and my car is way too small to play inside of.

I've played with her in a semi-private setting before, but we've never talked as intimately as we did last night. I feel an attraction to her, both physically and emotionally, that I didn't expect to feel. Certainly not for a woman! I see beauty in her, but I think there's a lot of brains too (which is why I named her Elle here, after "Elle Woods"). She's got this "whore and Madonna" thing going on, where she's all innocence and grace on one hand.. And on the other hand she's got this vulgarity, this "please, fuck my brains out" -kind of sex appeal... 

I'm not sure which parts make up the real her, and which parts are more a performance.. But I think at least some of the innocence IS real. She's a young (24, so 12 years younger than me), deeply traumatized, insecure transgirl, trying to get her bearings. After playing with her at that shibari event, I suspected she was someone I could fall in love with. It confused the hell out of me (still does..). But if it happens, it happens. I see myself and my own insecurities in her, but at the same time I want to be her protector. Nurturer. I want hold her, to crawl into that brain of hers, earn her trust. She triggers sides of myself I haven't seen in a long, long while.

I'm well on my way to falling for her, and she seems attracted to me too... I know she's comfortable with me, has some level of trust for me.. But I have no idea if she's developing feelings for me, like I am for her. And frankly, it doesn't really matter. My feelings, in the end, are my problem to deal with. Arthur has proven to me that I can have a pretty awesome time in a relationship where I'm the only one (openly) in love with the other person.. So I'm not really worried about that part. 

I'll probably show her this post later today, as a way of opening communications about all of this. I think we can have a lot of fun with each other regardless of anyone's feelings, as long as I don't scare her away. On the other hand, if this level of open communication scares her, I'd rather know now than in a couple of months when I'm even more emotionally invested. 

Why AM I so into her, though? Is is the shared experience of "transness" (I've played with other trans people...)? Is it the kink (I've played with lots of kinksters..)? Is it the fact that she seems interested in me (to my shock, some people seem to be.. so that's not really new either..)? Or am I simply more attracted to femininity than I thought? I knew I was queer, but thought "masculinity" was the name of the game... But maybe it isn't?

Despite not having medically transitioned yet, I don't see her as masculine. Seeing a pre-transition picture of her was jarring. It was very clearly NOT her. Some stubble and a flat chest are irrelevant; She's a woman. A feminine woman. So why, WHY am I so into her? I've never felt attracted to feminine women previously, either cis or trans. Admired their esthetic beauty, sure, but not this deep, gut wrenching desire. And certainly never anything resembling a crush. So is Elle an exception to this (because she's trans?), or is my sexual orientation broadening in general?

I have no idea, and right now it frankly doesn't matter. What matters is her. I want to see her again. Talk with her. Cuddle with her. Play with her. Protect her... And fuck her senseless.

Fucking Saint's mouth

 Yesterday, Saint and I did something sexual with eachother for the first time since (*checks blogg*) March 2021. And before that, I remember an attempt in spring 2020. (Doesn't seem like I've logged that one properly.) 

It was his idea. And it was all about me. He sucked my dick and touched it. It turned him on, fiercely.

Seems I don't have to worry about how he'll handle my transition... 

I'm relieved. And incredibly turned on. 

He's so hot, and I love him so much. 

Summer of 2022: Pubs, sadism and moral panic

Shit is going down, but I'm trying to keep this chronological. I'm a bit behind, but trying to catch up. So this is basically a summary of last week's events. I'll probably make further posts about at least a couple of these topics, but we'll see. Right now I don't really feel like writing, I'm just emotionally and mentally drained. 

So, to summarize the summer holidays this year: 

Thursday:
Last Tuesday, I met another trans guy for coffee. We first found each other on Grindr, but he was mostly intrested in cismen.. So no sexytimes. But we chatted for a few hours, which was really nice. Afterwards, I went to a queer pub in Oslo, and sang karaoke. I arrived alone, but ended up hanging out with a bunch of cool people, another trans man among them. Seems they're everywhere..! Haha. 

Friday and Saturday
Friday morning, I had the consult with the gender clinic which I've already written about. Friday evening, I REALLY needed to get out and hang with other queer people. Saint had predicted that need, so he'd earlier suggested we swap nights: I stayed with the kids both Wednesday and Thursday, so I'd get both Friday and Saturday off. 

I went to this other queer pub, on my own, and got to know a couple of people there. Then later that night, a trans woman (who I'd been chatting with a few times before) arrived. She basically propositioned me, and was pretty surprised when I took her up on it. I think she thought I was only into guys... I thought so too, but that's a topic for another post. 

She's a masochist, I'm a sadist, so that was a match made in... Certainly not heaven.. Haha. But it was a damn good match, anyway. We played with impact, first and foremost. As well as some light petting and kissing and such. In the end, I sucked her penis for a bit, simply because I love that. Although a girl-penis was a very different creature than the dicks I'm used to. She smelled differently, tasted differently, and the texture was wildly different. Fascinating! 

We weren't done with each other, so on Saturday evening we met again. She requested pain without bruising, and wanted to experiment with rope bondage. I gave her what she wanted, and then some. I did a "torture tie" on the lower legs, with rope criss-crossing the shin, that was REALLY fun to do. Really effective, and no bruising. Also, standing over her, grabbing her hair and shoving my dick in her mouth was... Extremely hot. And that's putting it mildly. We weren't able to get her off, but I made myself orgasm twice. 

Monday:
Monday evening I met Larpy for a coffee. Then, having given up on getting anything useful out of Grindr, I sent War a message. He was interested in meeting up, so I went to his place. We chatted for a bit, then had sex. I ended up spending the night. The sex itself was... Fine, I guess. But he's obviously struggling with me transitioning.. Being seen as a girl to that extent is painful. It made sex a bit more tricky for me. 

The entire evening with War was bitter sweet. We hadn't had sex for about 9 years before this, and ended back then on not-so-good terms. It was awkward for a couple of years after that. He obviously had feelings for me back then, and struggled. Much of that awkwardness was gone now, though. It felt like I had my friend back, which was wonderful. I worried, though... I asked him multiple times if he really wanted to have sex with me, and he confirmed that he did.. But I don't know.. I really don't want to hurt him more than I already have.. And I worry that I might have left him in a worse state than when I found him. 

Then came Tuesday....
I was back home just before 9am, as I'd agreed with Saint. I was awake, clean, dressed in normal clothes, sober (I don't drink) and happy. A responsible adult, ready to face the day and be with my family. 

By 9.15am, my father had expressed in no uncertain terms that he couldn't accept "my way of life" and that he didn't wish for us to stay at their place any longer. He also said he pitied Saint, and that how I was acting was wrong towards him. Fascinatingly, he hadn't actually asked Saint's opinion at all... Saint and I are in full agreement, and Saint isn't displeased with any of the things I do.  

It seemed as though me being out and seeing people (so basically the fact that I'm poly), was the final straw. Not the fact that I'm trans. My dad was incredibly annoyed that I was living a life he didn't agree with, and couldn't see that his annoyance was solely his problem. Not mine. My habit of going out every other night, doesn't affect him the slightest. And yet.. He was ranting about how I was being disrespectful to him, how I'd always been disrespectful to him etc. I couldn't just stand and take it, and there's no fucking way I was apologizing to him. I hadn't done anything wrong.

I told Saint, and by 10am we were fully packed, had loaded the car, and left. I messaged my mom as we were leaving, and she supported my father and repeated that she believed me going out in the evenings was wrong of me. She also claimed that I didn't seem happy now, as though to back up her claim that I was on the wrong path... And that's going against what everyone else is saying, and certainly against what I'm feeling myself. 

I think this obviously is some sort of moral panic: They're suspecting that I, a parent in a serious long-term relationship, dare to go out to pubs at night, and dance, and hook up with people. (I never confirmed that I fuck around, but I know they're suspecting it.) I dare to have fun, dare to live in a way they don't think is PROPER for someone of my age and in my situation. And I wasn't even trying to hide it! I didn't feel the proper shame! The gall! What would People think?!?!

I also suspect my mom may have noticed that I'm done accepting other people's bullshit. Done performing a role that I never asked for. Done being their "little girl". She was obviously bothered by that. They've always thought I was a bit weird, but they didn't know the half of it. I never told them more than I thought they could deal with. Turns out, my estimates were wrong; They couldn't even deal with the little pieces of me they were granted. So now, they aren't getting anything of me at all.

We cut our vacation two days short, and we cut my parents out of our lives. Saint's parents aren't in our lives either (his mom is dead, his dead got cut out last summer). I've unfriended my parents on Facebook and Snapchat. My sister is defending them, so I'm considering removing her too, but haven't so far. We drove across the country that entire day. I was devastated and really angry. 

Back home, Wednesday:
Yesterday, I played board game at a local board game club. Then I had fast food with a guy from there, who I've hooked up with before.. And then we went to his place. He was tired, so there was just kissing and fondling while we were watching Netflix... But I was permitted to suck his dick, which I was happy to do. It's huge, very close to the size of Arthur's. I wish he'd reciprocated somehow, but.. It's ok. Sucking dick makes me happy too. 

And that's it. That's the summer vacation of 2022. 

I'm tired. 

To have this shit with my parents, on top of everything else.. The gender clinic.. Testosterone driven changes.. Trying to find some sort of stable footing in all of this, trying to get a grasp of my own identity.. It feels like.. A lot. 

I'm tired.

Gender clinic

Had my first appointment at the national gender clinic today. Over video. And it went well, in fact better than I'd expected. It was basically an interview, much like the first couple of appointments with a new psychologist. I spoke 90% of the time. She took notes. I didn't really get much of an impression of her, but she seemed nice enough. 

I know they'll probably discharge me without offering any treatment, because I don't lie about being nonbinary... I'm very purposefully not lying about that, because I want to fight to change the system. Nonbinary people deserve treatment by the public health system too, for us to be automatically rejected is just stupid. I impressed upon her that even though I define as nonbinary, my needs regarding treatment is the same as transmen: I want hormones (already have those, but they're expensive when going privately), and I want top surgery (mastectomy, basically remove my boobes). So what I call myself shouldn't really make any difference for them.. 

She didn't exactly agree, talking about how it was important to assess what kind of treatment was really necessary and not to over-treat... Which sounds good in principle, but in reality is just a defence of the gatekeeping model of trans healthcare. Basically, it's not up to us how we define ourselves or what kind of treatment we need, it's up to them. They want to bar the gate for as many people as possible.

I also mentioned how some of their patients lie about being binary to get the treatment they want. She claimed to be able to tell when people lie out their gender, which I'm 100% confident isn't true... She also seemed surprised that I define myself as nonbinary, when I had so many "binary" wants for my transition.. 

I have recordings, both as audio files and as screen captures, of the entire appointment. If (when) they reject me, my plan is to formally complain. And potentially talk to media, in the long run. And now I have recordings of everything I've told them. They can't claim I haven't said x, y, z. 

I wasn't rejected out of hand TODAY, which is what I expected would happen. She wanted to confer with other colleagues. I asked for written feedback from her, after she's spoken with the others on her team. So we'll see.

My crowd

Last Friday, I met up with Student again. I'd tried to find a random hookup on Grindr or Tinder, but nothing really clicked. We had a couple of hours together, before heading out to eat and go to a nightclub. I repeated some of what we'd done last time, using the binder and the dick. Blowjobs from him feels great (mentally, it's not like I have real nerve-endings in a silicone dick). I'd also bought a Bumpher, a sort of "back plate" to go on the dildo to stimulate me.. And it was.. Ok, I guess. Nothing revolutionary, but it was better than not having anything there. Student and I define ourselves as friends with benefits now. That's nice. 

By the way, he claims not to be as vanilla as I think. He's really curious about experimenting with pain, in particular. So I tried to pinch, scratch and spank him a bit, on his thighs mainly. It's fun enough, I generally enjoy causing pain.. But I don't feel there's any D/s chemistry there. We'll see how it developpes. 

I've spoken more with NN too, over Messenger. We plan on meeting up again after the holidays. Sex with him is good, and I think has the potential to become amazing. We'll talk more about the D/s thing as we progress, and I'm excited to see how that develops. I think we'll se a fairly fluid dynamic, with lots of potential for fun and mutual enjoyment. I also enjoy his friendship more and more, and am really glad I got to know him. In many ways, he feels way out of my league... But I'm happy he wants me in his life somehow, and glad I get the opportunity to learn from him.  

Last Sunday, I went to a shibari event again. The first one in a long time. I met up with this lovely transwoman and played with her. Naming her Elle here. Not just ropes, but actual play. Spanking and teasing. Bruises and kisses. I've met her several times before, typically at the nightclub. We've also met up for coffee/drinks a time or two. We flirt and touch, but we don't have anywhere private to meet up so it's never gone beyond that. 

But damn, playing with her was nice. I haven't really played with anyone in the last few months, and I still don't really know where I stand or what I like... So of course I slip back into some of my old patterns of behavior, it's only expected. But I want to explore more, and I think she's someone I actually could explore that WITH. The D/s chemistry is there, the attraction is there, that spark that makes play so much more rewarding is there. Also, I made her call me "Sir", which did exactly what I hoped it would do... 

And it's weird... I'm not usually attracted to women. Sure, she's pre-everything.. Not even on hormones yet, apparently. But I don't see her as a man. Masculine in some ways, sure, but she's a woman. I read her as a woman. So why do I feel such chemistry with her? Don't know. As long as I'm enjoying myself, I've decided not to question it. I hope we get to meet up again. 

With Elle, Student and NN I see the outlines of something. Friends I can fuck or be fucked by. People I can play with, explore with, talk to and be met with understanding. A transwoman, a pansexual cisman and a genderfluid person. A good crowd. My crowd. I'm glad I have them all in my life, and hope I get to keep seeing them.

A long encounter with Student

Tonight I saw Student again. We counted and found that it's our 6th intimate encounter (counting the first, which was just cuddles. Not counting last weekend when we went out dancing at a club.). All the previous times lasted around 1,5-2 hours. This time, we spent 4,5 hours together. Around 4 of those hours in bed, naked. It still feels wonderfully uncomplicated, in many ways.. But tonight I put the things I learned with NN to good use:

I wore a binder, which is still amazingly liberating. Loosing the sexual function of my nipples is worth it, easily.

I also wore the strap-on. 

I'd mentioned my plans with NN to Student when we went out dancing this last weekend, and he said we could do something similar if I wanted. I was utterly shocked by this, as it feels like such an extreme thing to me. To find two people here willing to let me experiment with that.. It's pretty amazing. Anyhow, I told him then that I was really nervous for my encounter with NN and that we should see how that went first. Before making any definite plans.

As we now know, the evening with NN went really well. So tonight I took Student up on his offer, and put the things I'd learned and experienced with NN to good use. And it felt really amazing with Student too. Different than with NN, because Student is SO vanilla.. And also because I was also significantly less nervous this time.

He told me he saw me as significantly more masculine tonight than before. Mainly because of the binder, but also because of the dick. (He mostly fucks men, so he should know.) That was really nice to hear, really affirming. I always worry I look like just a ciswoman in a freaky costume..

Student did a great job sucking my cock. He looked great on his knees in front of me. We also tried 69, which felt wonderful. (I definitely want to get one of those backers, so my clit has something to rub/hump against.) And just cuddling next to each other, kissing, as we were jerking each other.. It was so hot! So gender affirming!

Him fucking me, with the dick in between us, is also really hot. During our 4 hours of sex, I also came twice. My body still doesn't work like it used to, so orgasms are a lot of work.. But I can manage, if I get relatively free reign.

This all feels like a different way of having sex. Not just the dick, but also the duration of it.. Switching between chatting, cuddling, and fucking.. It's like NN unlocked another level in my mind, somehow. 

Not Masturbation Fantasies... Dysphoria!

The "problem" with talking to other transmascs (or trans people in general, really), is that you end up recognizing yourself in what they're saying. You end up coming to realizations about yourself. I think this is mostly a feature, not a bug, but it feels really rough even so.

Today's realization: Masturbation fantasies that are really about dysphoria. 

I guy in the international transmasc server I'm in, wrote that when having sex, he was imagining that his body was someone else's body. And damn, that struck a cord.

One of my most common masturbation fantasies is that I'm strapped into a sort of recording of somebody else's experience. A science fiction setting where you can do brain-to-brain interfaces and make full sensory recordings. If the masturbation I was doing, was truly somebody else's experience, then it had already happened. No point in resisting. It wasn't really my body or my experience.

The very first sex story I wrote, at age 15, was about someone tied up and blindfolded in a surprising (and therefore ultimately nonconsensual) way. In the end, it's left open whether it was really a dream or something that truly happened. 

Several other fantasies of mine relate to consensual-nonconsent: The idea that you're strapped down and MADE to come. I always thought that this was caused by some sort of cultural shame or trauma or something, related to this fear I have of taking up space and being selfish. 

And yeah, I'm sure that's part of it. But that shame, though.. I'm not typically ashamed of sex. So what was I feeling such shame for...? Could it be gender? Could it be dysphoria all along? Was imagining it all as happening to someone else or not having a choice in what was happening, a way to distance myself from my feelings of gender incongruence..?

If so, how the FUCK do I distinguish between sexual kinks on one hand and dysphoria-related survival strategies on the other?? You'd think it would be easy, but it isn't!

And if I "loose" all of those bondage- and cnc fantasies... What do I have left? 

Seedlings, or the Beginning of Queer

Affirmations and Accolades is basically a blow-by-blow retelling of the sex NN and I had last night. This is supposed to be more meta. And analysis of sorts. 

The sex we had was queer, in that it didn't feel as set in an expected pattern, compared to the sex I've previously had. That felt liberating. We could do whatever felt nice, without expectations that we HAD to do certain things, or in a certain order. There's much more to explore here, and more to unpack, as "normal" sex still influence me to a very large degree... But it's made me realize there's a lot more to sex than I previously thought. It's like that "galaxy brain" meme: I didn't really know that other ways of doing sex existed. It feels like my mind has reached another level. 

Tonight I felt like a virgin. No, that's imprecise... Because when I had piv sex for the first time (I'd just turned 16 back then), I had more more control than this, felt less nervous than this. I had full agency back then. Tonight I didn't. Tonight, I felt like a parody of a virgin in an american movie; Fumbling, uncertain, afraid, tense, inexperienced, but also elated, excited, happy. (I already feel like a teenager in the sense that I'm going through puberty, so this just REALLY brought that feeling home for me.) 

Although we took things slow, although he was basically fulfilling my fantasies, although he's extremely good at following my lead.. I was very much not in control of this encounter, at least not all of the time. And that's new, to me. Extremely unfamiliar. I'm used to being the most experienced, the one who knows what's happening, the one in control. 

I usually struggle a lot with being the "bottom" in sexual encounters, being on the receiving end (yes, I get fucked, that's traditionally the bottom role.. But I struggle with being passive, receiving, and I typically control what we do and for how long). I want to challenge myself, to get better and more comfortable with receiving pleasure... But that takes time. (And when I keep hooking up with new guys, I never really grow comfortable enough.) The problem with receiving pleasure, is that I feel selfish, undeserving. I worry that the other person is just humoring me or is secretly annoyed by me. That they aren't enjoying themself. 

I don't know where this train of thought comes from... The bullying when I was a kid, maybe? I learned, at a formative age, that if anyone did something nice to me, it was most likely a trick... Or perhaps it's related to how my mom would express being annoyed at me, disappointed by me (typically through very pointed looks or a few sharp words), without ever explaining the reason for it in a way that I could understand..? Or trauma after my relationship with X? Or maybe this is dysphoria too, like practically everything else seems to be? I don't know why I am like this, and ultimately the reason really doesn't matter.

These insecurities are less of a problem with NN than with most new people. He picks up on how I feel, and gives me the support and the affirmation I need: He confirms that he enjoys himself. That he likes me. Likes the stuff we're doing. Wants to do this. Isn't annoyed by me, doesn't feel impatient with me. (Is this how the newbie subs feel, once I get my hands on them? No wonder I've been accused of reading their minds!)

And no, NN and I aren't really doing any sort of D/s thingy, at this point.. But neither of us is completely vanilla, so there's a limit to how "vanilla" things can possibly get... His "good boy"s ABSOLUTELY comes with a power dynamic attached. It's not really something we've discussed as such, not something he's taken any sort of advantage of.. And it's not a permanent state, we have plenty of more equal interactions too.. But it's there, as a seedling that could grow, if we wanted it to. (Hmmm... I know he's a switch, I wonder what he'd like "in return"..?)

These confirmations that I was wanted, took last night's encounter to another level for me. We still miscommunicate occasionally, especially with non-verbal signals.. But he reads me much better now than last time, and I feel like I can read him a bit too. Not perfectly, I think there's layers upon layers of defence mechanisms there.. But better. I'm also less afraid to disappoint him, and starting to trust that he would tell me, if he didn't want to do something. I feel like I have a long way to go yet, but it's the beginning of something. 

Again, it's a seedling. Something that could grow. 

I can grow.

Binder - breathing freely

I had sex with a binder on for the first time tonight. I've previously enjoyed having my nipples touched and played with during sex.. But I figured since the theme tonight was "gender affirming sex", I wanted to try. 

And I'm glad I did. Really glad. 

With my boobs bound, my chest flattered, I felt liberated. Like I could finally breathe. I haven't been aware of not breathing before... But the difference was crystal clear. By covering a part of my body, it felt paradoxically as though a cover had been removed. A thin film, a veil between myself and reality, had been pulled away. A stress factor, strain I'd never noticed before, just disappeared. 

I hate my boobs, but I love my nipples... The boobs used to feel like a price I was been willing to pay.. 

Not anymore. 

I now know what sex sans boobs feel likes. For me to EVER have sex with my boobs out again, the other party would need to be terribly invested in boobs. So with Arthur, probably... And with this geeky boob fetishist I had sex with earlier this week, maybe.. 

But for my sake? No.

No more. 

Yeet boobs. 

Affirmations and Accolades

I haven't felt this hesitant, this nervous, this timid in a sexual setting since I was a teenager. It's also extremely rare that I'm the less experienced party. I usually don't give people that power over me. NN seems to be the exception to a lot of things...

Standing naked in front of him, except for strap-on and binder, I couldn't meet his eyes. Couldn't ask for what I wanted. Couldn't really think. Shaking on the inside, so FUCKING vulnerable; Every sense on high alert. One wrong move from him, one wrong word, a sound or grimace that my mind could interpret as negative in any way.. And I'd probably have packed up and left. Or pulled completely back and distanced myself from it all. Or just started crying.

There were no negatives, though. Just gentle touch, gentle words.. Affirmations and accolades. He called me "handsome". He called me a "good boy". Unexpectedly. Unasked. And he kept doing it. Making me blush, but in a good way. Making me grin. I'm still shaking from that. Disregarding everything else that happened, just those words would have been enough to make this a great night.

He knew what I wanted. We'd talked about it beforehand, after all. Me being dumbfounded wasn't really a problem. He touched it, as we were standing really close, and I could have sworn it was my own. I didn't have to see it, I could feel slight movements through the base of the dildo.

I get why other transmen call it a prosthetic now. I get it. Finally. It wasn't "just" a dildo. It was mine. It was me. He was touching ME. 

Kneeling down, he put it to his lips. He fingered me lightly while he did so, and that was nice.. But ultimately unnecessary. Next time, if I have my wits about me, I'll tell him not to (in that particular situation. He did similar things later, which were great). It was a distraction at that point. Watching the dick going in and out of his mouth was enough. My hand on the back of his head, gently urging him on was enough. Holding the base of my dick as I gently shoved it is in mouth was fucking awesome. 

Moving to the bed, the order of events are slightly blurred. I know he figered me lightly. I know I sucked his dick, a lot. I know he went down on me, and let me tell you: Having his mouth on my clit as I could see his hand playing with the head of my dick was... An experience. A good one. 

I think that was the only time I had to ask him for a break (might be wrong, like I said, things are blurry). The emotional load of the oral, and having my dick touched, and seeing it all.. It got a bit too much. He granted me the break I asked for, and after that I sucked his dick some more. Not only because I love doing that, but also because it feels emotionally uncomplicated for me. 

I then rode him until my hips couldn't take anymore and then he fucked me while I was on my back for a bit. And seeing my dick there between us, as he fucked me... Well, my mind was reeling at this point... But it was good. It was really good. 

(His dick is SUPER thick, but only slightly over regular length. He doesn't really get along with regular condoms. So we'll see if we can maybe fluid bond eventually. I want to get tested first though.. And I'll need to start using protection with Student. I know he fucks others without protection, and those people fucks others etc. Student's other semi-regular lover is on Prep, but that doesn't protect him from anything other than hiv... So yeah, no more condomless sex with Student after this week, to be on the safe side.)

I fucked myself with the steel dildo and rubbed myself to orgasm, while laying in his arms. (It was really hard to come this time, it feels like my clit is numb.. It went through a phase like this a couple of months ago, too, so I expect it means it's growing again. Or so I hope...) 

In coming, I started laughing like I always do from orgasms. It's a reflex, more or less, I can't help it... And then he called me a "good boy", and my laughter helplessly turned into tears. Still giggling, but definitely also crying. 

I didn't warn him that might happen, because it's been years... But considering the emotional strain this whole evening had put on me, I shouldn't have been surprised. I tried to explain that it occasionally happens, and he hadn't done anything wrong. It's just a release, expressed in a different form than laughter. Luckily, he didn't seem stressed out or bothered by it. The last thing I want to do at this point is alienate him. 

I needed some distance after that, though, so we talked about other things for a bit. Then I started touching him again, asking him what good I could do for him. How I could please him. 

After fondling him a bit, I ended up sucking his cock again. He seemed surprised that I truly enjoy that as much as I do. That I enjoy reciprocating, giving him pleasure. Making him come takes time, and apparently he's used to people loosing their patience with him. I didn't loose patience, and loved making him come.

We plan on meeting up again after the summer holidays. I'm already looking forward to that. 

Head spinning, so gender

I need to make a confession. 

I recently wrote a post named "Different guys, same sex". I shared it with NN, as way to open up the conversation about what we did sexually and how I feel very uncertain about what I like or what I want to do. However, before I shared it, I rewrote it slightly, because I worried what he'd think.. Worried I'd be mocked, ridiculed or.. I don't know.. Something. Something bad. 

Doesn't seem like something he'd do, but I don't know him THAT well yet.. And my mind kept playing tricks on me, worrying and second-guessing myself. I also didn't want him to feel pushed into doing something he wasn't interested in doing.

The rewrite didn't matter though. He read it, found the SINGLE sentence in all of that text that signified what I REALLY wanted to explore, and suggested we try it. That sentence was "Wearing a strap-on while being fucked maybe?". 

So when we started talking about it (on Messenger), he starts off by saying "It felt from your post like you'd like to try some things that are more gender affirming". And he flat out suggested that I wear a strap-on whilst doing sexual stuff, both being fucked as I mentioned myself, but also giving me a blowjob. And that just blew my mind.

I have these thoughts, these fantasies, that I've been exploring for the past few months.. And I didn't think I'd find someone, certain not locally, who wanted to try that with me. I worried I'd be stuck in this heterocentric way of having sex forever, until I transitioned far enough to maybe, MAYBE be interesting for the gay guys.. But still the sex they're having seems really orgasm-focused too: You try to get each other off in the fastest/most efficient way possible. There's no room to explore, in encounters like that. So how would I find myself in it?

And I realize that this heteronormative sex is very... Performative. I guess that's one reason why people fake orgasms, too (although I haven't done that in 20 years or so, so what do I know?). The expectation, the focus, is orgasms. I think I lost my way, somewhere in all that heteronormativity.. I need to try to unlearn 22 years of sexual "conditioning", or at least expand upon it. 

Maybe that's why I (eventually) found some peace in the kink community..? Because when playing publically in a club, the goal is to give eachother good, kinky experiences. Not orgasms. I was still playing in a performative way, service topping and not really considering what I personally would want... But at least I wasn't always chasing orgasms, trying to "do what was expected of me" and come. 

But I digress... I derailed into these philosophical musings because the topic at hand scares me. So.. Once more unto the breach: 

I've had these thoughts, these fantasies, about wearing a strap-on during sex.. Not to penetrate with (although that's nice too, by all means. I did that a couple of times with Cord), but just to wear as a natural part of sex. As though I had a dick. I get fucking horny jerking myself off, after all, so it really ought to work when I'm with someone too.. 

I want someone to touch my dick, suck it.. I want to cuddle up next to someone while wearing it.. I want to suck his dick, while wearing it.. I want to be fingered, and fucked, while wearing it.. As though I had both a dick and a vagina (the ultimate non-binary genital configuration? Or one of them, anyway).

And to think that he wants to let me do that... He wants to do that.. I don't know wether to laugh or to cry. I keep running my fingers through my hair, flabbergasted, mind blown, teary eyed. I struggle to sit still. I keep giggling. It's just so gender. I can't even call it gender euphoria at this point, though I'm sure that's what's really going on. Because it doesn't feel euphoric. It feels almost overwhelmingly strong. Like I don't know what to do with myself. 

A song by the Norwegian duo Karpe came to mind. The song is called "Her" (meaning "Here"). It's really about terrorist attacks, specifically written after the Bataclan shootings in Paris in 2015. So it's almost sacrilege to take part of those lyrics and make them about myself, and my gender and sexlife.. But I'm doing it anyway. Because although no one has died, it feels like a bomb has exploded. I'm left stunned, covered in dust, ringing in my ears, shell shocked:

"Are we still breathing? Are we still breathing? 
Are we still breathing? We held our breath. 
But my head was the wheels on the bus."

Norwegian original: "Puster vi fortsatt? Puster vi fortsatt? Puster vi fortsatt? Vi holdt pusten. Men hodet mitt er hjulene på bussen." 

Maybe it's a small thing, to him. I'm certain he's known, and had sex with, trans people before. He seems confident and comfortable in himself and his identity... It's not small to me, though: Rarely have I felt as much of a "baby trans" as I feel right now. Like a teenager about to get their first proper kiss. Like a parachutist about to jump from the plane. Scared, happy, excited, worried... All the feelings.. All the gender.

And this is all from the THOUGHT.. I wonder how I'll feel actually doing it.

A session with Arthur

Earlier this week, I finally saw Arthur again for a few hours. Damn, I love that man. I've missed him so badly. Haven't seen him since October, before I realized I was trans. It wasn't for long this time, but those few hours were so, so sweet. I want more. I always want more, with him. 

I know he's primarily attracted to women, so I'm also terrified of loosing him... (Though I'm not sure I ever HAD him.. But I'm sure you understand what I mean.) He says he's supportive, of course, but he's also honest about his worries. He's afraid he'll stop being attracted to me, once I transition far enough. He hasn't come out and said it, but I fear top op will be the breaking point. He loves boobs. I don't think he'd be attracted to me, if I didn't have boobs. It feels really shallow to say it, but I think it's true even so.

Anyway, future being what it is: This week's encounter was glorious. Maybe especially so because it was so short. He didn't really have to pace himself, didn't have to hold back. He gave me everything I wanted. 

So now, finally, I've been fucked by Arthur while my hands were tied together over my head. Now, finally, he's been so rough with my nipples that there was only pain, no pleasure at all. Glorious, glorious pain. Now, finally, he's had me held open, on display, teased and tormented. Made me blush, made me feel small and wonderfully embarrassed in that uniquely submissive way that I thought I never would experience with anyone ever again. Made me beg for him to hurt me. Made me feel safe, and cared for, to such extent that I was able to trust him like I haven't trusted anyone in over 15 years. 

He gets off on the control. Especially on me loosing control. Whether it's from fear, embarrassment, pain or pleasure doesn't really seem to matter to him. He just wants to corrode all my self-control, until I'm a mewling, squirming, primal thing. And although it's so, so, so hard for me to do.. So hard to let myself go to such an extent... I want that too. I want to give him that. To give him me. To yield.

My all means, I tied the knots around my wrists myself... I asked for it, I facilitated it. But he took the jump with me. Finally. Finally we played together, for more than just a moment or two. Finally. And it was glorious. 

Different guys, same sex

In the last couple of weeks, three more names have been added to That List. A British-Nigerian guy here on a business trip (SO much internalized homophobia, don't even get me started!), a wonderful genderfluid amab person from abroad (named NN here), and a 24 year old Norwegian guy with a stutter who lived with his parents (they weren't home, luckily!). 

Of those, NN was by far my favorite person. Intelligent, interesting, knowledgeable about gender.. And with one of the thickest cocks I've ever seen. No real spark, as of now, but maybe the potential for one.. And I hope to see him again and get to know him better, regardless of what else we might do. Since I wrote last, I've also seen Student and Arthur. So that's quite a lot of sexual encounters in the last couple of weeks.

The sexual encounters are all mostly the same: Kissing, petting, sucking dick, fingering a bit maybe, then riding them. Me trying to get me off with a vibrator while riding them (hasn't worked the last three times. Fucking annoying, no idea why. Dysphoria? Bottom growth changing the sensitivity again?). Then them fucking me however they like until they come or give up. Then me getting off with heavy, curved metal dildo and a vibrator, while snuggling up next to them, if I haven't had an orgasm already. 

I'm very much in control of the sexual encounters. I tell them what I want, I sometimes show them, I correct them if it's uncomfortable. I set the pace for when we progress to the next part of the encounter. I never seek more than one orgasm, for either of us. I leave after a couple of hours.

I just can't seem to let my guard down. I want to.. But I can't seem to get past the idea that if I'm passive, receiving, that means I'm being selfish. And selfish is something I don't deserve. Selfish is bad. Also I don't trust these guys at all. Regardless of what they SAY when we're dressed, when our clothes come off I'm still seen as a woman (perhaps with the exception of NN, since he's genderfluid himself). Being seen as a woman is dysphoric, but I also really enjoy sex... It's like those two are battling each other in my mind, it's exhausting. 

NN said something really affirming though.. He said that once I get more bottom growth, he'd give me a blow job... And that.. THAT.. Damn. I've been thinking about that one sentence ever since. I keep wondering if I can build upon that somehow.. Wearing a strap-on while being fucked maybe? Is that even possible? 

Also, from my encounter with Arthur (more on that in the next post), I know that I CAN enjoy being more receiving/passive. It's really, really hard for me, but it's possible for me to get there... Maybe that's something to strive towards with others? Not just anyone, but someone I can learn to trust...

It's a leap of faith, though.. But I won't ever learn to trust, unless I start trusting.