Consequences: Losing access to female spaces

I continue my self-education in trans issues by listening to the fabulous podcast Trans Norge (Trans Norway. They've made one episode in English, but the rest is in Norwegian.) In one episode, two transmen discuss how they were perceived and treated pre- and post transition, as well as touch upon other topics such as fragile masculinity, toxic masculinity, gatekeeping and other stuff. 

There's one line of thought I found particularly interesting... That someone who wishes to transition should ask themself: "What do I wish to accomplish by transitioning? What do I stand to loose?" Their example was someone who's got a very strong identity as a lesbian, who takes part in many lesbian spaces and who would miss that terribly if they transitioned socially to become a straight man (ftm transition). Would it still be worth it? Lesbian spaces typically is very accommodating to masculine looking women. So if all you want is a slightly more masculine look, maybe that's enough? 

However, if you conclude that being seen as a woman.. Even a masculine / butch woman.. doesn't suit you.. Then that's perfectly valid. You should transition if that's what feels right for you. Just be aware of what you're loosing, by no longer being seen as a woman. 

I'm not a lesbian, and have very rarely taken part in any such female queer spaces (and never felt comfortable there). However, there are other areas where I stand to loose something if I'm no longer seen as woman. I've already discussed my place in the kink scene, but it goes beyond what I talked about there. For example, I will not be welcome in any FemDom spaces. FemDom parties, events, clubs... They'll all be lost to me. I'll be a "just another male dom", unless I hang out in queer kinky spaces where being trans would give me a different role in the social scene. As for FemDom.. I even run a bloody FemDom server (albeit a very lgbtqia+ friendly one), and most likely I will have to give it over to someone else eventually. It just wouldn't feel right to keep running it myself. 

Babywearing has been another interest of mine, ever since I got pregnant. The babywearing community has been good to me. That community is predominantly female. There are the occasional men, but they're so rare they're almost put on a pedestal. And as with all topics related to childcare, the men are discriminated against: They're not seen as equally competent as the women.

On the other hand, the roleplaying / boardgame communities will probably be more welcoming and accommodating if I'm no longer seen as a woman. Or at least less judgmental and gatekeeping-y.

Being a fantasy book nerd is also fairly gender neutral. There's probably more women than men active in spaces where books are discussed, but men aren't treated very differently.. Or at least I think they aren't. 

Now, I want to make it clear that I don't consider myself a man. I'm still non-binary, and I doubt that will change. However, I get so much dysphoria from being seen as a woman these days. Given a choice between being seen as a woman and being seen as a man, I'd much rather be seen as a man. And if I'm seen as a man, I'll probably be treated as a man. Regardless of whether I identify as non-binary or something else. So that's what I'm trying to consider and prepare for.

Am I ok?

Some days I think that I'm ok. Days when dysphoria seems like a distant nightmare. Days when I just do the things that needs doing in my day-to-day life, without any thought about gender. Days where I might admit that I'm non-binary, but where this transmasculine need to transition, to be seen as a man, seems bizarre. Days where I don't care that I have boobs. And then I question whether I'm really trans at all. Or at least trans enough to go through all this stuff, to look into starting testosterone and all of that. I wonder if I might have been wrong. Maybe it's just another bout of depression, nothing more, and I'm clinging to this gender thing as a convenient explanation or excuse.

And then something happens. 

Doesn't have to be anything big. And I don't even realize it straight away. 

Today, it was a woman I didn't know coming to pick up some small items that I was selling online. She rang the doorbell, I opened and gave her the things. We chatted amicably for a minute or two. And that was it. 

This morning I felt fine. Had lots of energy, felt fairly content, things were fine. And afterwards, I felt so incredibly drained. So tired, so exhausted.

It wasn't until a few hours later that it "clicked". I felt so exhausted because of overwhelming dysphoria. Because I knew that woman saw me as another woman. If she'd seen someone more masculine when I'd opened the door, I don't think I would have reacted the same way at all. 

And it hits me, that "no". I'm not ok. I'm not always aware of how shitty I feel, and in a way that's a good thing.. Or I probably wouldn't be able to function in my day-to-day life, to be a good parent to my children. But I'm not ok. That "ok" is a veneer, so paper-thin, that it cracks under ANY sort of scrutiny. 

So no, I'm not ok. And I'm still trans. 

Don't see me!

Discovering that I was trans was good for me, in the long run. I'm certain of that. But in the short run, it's actually made my mental health worse. Why? Because before I lived in a state of ignorance. And in many ways, ignorance IS bliss. Yes, I very often had a feeling of malaise.. Of something not being RIGHT.. of being a square peg in a round hole. I've struggled with depression and anxiety.. But because that was my normal state of being, I acclimatized. I got used to it. It's incredible what your body and mind can learn to live with. 

Now, though.. The more I learn, and think, and read, and write about my own gender identity, the more AWARE I'm becoming. It's like I've lived with a missing limb my entire life, but I didn't know that I was supposed to have a limb there.. So I wasn't aware of the constant pain and discomfort, until I learned I was supposed to have another limb. And now all I can think about is that missing limb. And it HURTS. 

I thought I knew how social dysphoria felt like, back in October... Back when I actually had to search and ponder to find it.. Oh, my sweet summer child.. You knew nothing of what was to come. 

When I'm home, alone, I can still mostly ignore it. Focus only on the aspects of my body I like, ignore the rest. But when I'm out and about, it becomes impossible: I know people around me read me as a woman, and it gives me so much dysphoria. Feels like my skin all over my body is itching. I feel their gaze almost like a physical sensation. And it's EVERYONE! Store clerks, servers in restaurants, other customers at the grocery store.. EVERYONE. And I can't do anything about it. I can't harass every person who sees me, and insist they view me differently. They ALL see me and unconsciously place me in the "woman" box and it makes me feel sick. I want to hide, or puke, or scream. I just want to NOT be seen, because when I'm seen they see a woman.

I would MUCH rather be seen as a man than as a woman, even though I don't actually identify fully as a man either. I imagine it would hurt less.

Talking to Saint about this tonight, and he said it sounded a lot like really bad social anxiety. I've never had social anxiety before, or at least never anything resembling that.. But it makes sense. Because what gives me such discomfort is other people's unconscious interpretation of my gender. If there's no people, there's less dysphoria.

"Why put so much stock into how people see you?", you might ask.. Well, the Gender Dysphoria Bible has described it better than I ever could: "Social Dysphoria is about how the outside world perceives you, how others address you, and how you are expected to address them. "

"It’s like nails on a chalkboard, or steel wool across skin. Hearing the wrong pronoun is a reminder that the person you are talking to does not recognize you for the gender that you are."

"Some physical traits which may cause discomfort all the time for some trans people may only manifest as a social dysphoria for others. For example, some people may only be self conscious about their physical appearance when it causes them to be misgendered or clocked (read as being trans), "

Basically, what would be annoying to a cis person can really HURT a trans person. And while I can't do much about it yet, at least I take comfort in knowing that other trans people have felt in a similar way.