Relationship styles and conflict resolution

When a conflict is unresolved, when there's tension between me and someone I love, my instinct is to seek connection. To seek understanding. To touch, to talk, to hold and be held. To show love, and be loved in return. I feel there's no issue too large for us, if we can only face it together. 

Other people don't process hurt or conflict in the same way. They need distance. Their instinct is to go away, to hide, to lick their wounds in peace. To only come back together once the tension, for them, is mostly gone. Saint is like this. So is Novice. (I sure know how to pick them, apparently.)

The problem, for me, is when these two instincts collide. We've spoken about this before, and usually, we strive towards a compromise; I can't get as much touch, connection and togetherness as I really need, but I can get enough to ground me. Enough to make me feel safe, loved. And THEN they can get the space they need. I still find this difficult, all compromises are, but it's bearable. Hopefully, it's bearable for all parties involved.

Compromises only work, however, when both parties are willing. If the other person withdraws from me, doesn't communicate, doesn't answer my messages, doesn't talk when we're together... Then I don't get any of my needs met, and yet they get all of theirs. And I sure as hell hope it's worth it for them, because it feels like torture for me. 

To be clear: I don't think they intend to torture me (although now that I think about it, if someone's mad enough at me, I guess punishing me in this way would be really, really effective). I don't believe in any nefarious motives here. I think they're short on sleep, depressed, stressed out, and struggling with all kinds of negative emotions. They're taking care of themself the only way they know how. Which of course they should. 

However, regardless of intent, the outcome isn't pleasant: I started today feeling dysregulated and worried, but 30-60 minutes conversation and lots of hugs could have... If not fixed it, then at least made me a whole lot more stable. It would have given me hope, made me feel more... Whole. (This started out as a tiny thing, it shouldn't be permitted to fuck up two whole days.)

I didn't get that hour I needed, though. In stead, I'm left adrift. Alone. The longer I'm left adrift, the more worried and dysregulated I become. I can feel myself spiraling down, getting more anxious. More guilt, more fear, more sorrow, more... Broken. Feeling like I can't trust anyone, right now. Not myself, and not anyone else. Crying, heart beating like I'm running on a treadmill.

If I could step out of this shit, I would. Take a deep breath and push it away, leave this spiral. It's not like this is a pleasant sensation, it's not like I'm choosing this. If I could stop it, react differently, have different needs, I absolutely would. I can't, though. 

And so I write. This is post number three today. It doesn't help, not really, but it sort of... Slows the spiral a bit. Makes me process, observe what's happening, in stead of just being aimlessly pulled down. It doesn't get better, though. This spiral only goes one way. 

And when we do get back together again.. When we do get a chance to talk... You bet I'll apologize. 

It doesn't matter if fighting is a team effort, it doesn't matter if we as a couple could benefit on us both working on our communication skills, it doesn't matter if some blame could be placed on circumstances or elsewhere. None of those things matter. By the time we get together again, I'll have been spiraling in a void for at least a day, maybe close to two. I'll be hurting so bad, I'll do ANYTHING, say ANYTHING to make this stop hurting. Not dishonestly, I still don't lie... But I obviously won't be able to hold my own very well, when I've been in an angstfilled void for two days.

So I hope this distance is worth it. I hope they find stability, and hope, and joy, and good sleep, and peace. I want them to be ok, I want them to be happy.

I hope they're doing proportionally as good, as I am doing bad. There's no way this math checks out otherwise.

Tell me what's wrong, or I'll start guessing

 I recently read this article about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) and how it's fairly common in autistic people. I've always thought about RSD as relating to criticism and actual rejections. And while I know I don't deal with that super well, I know others (like Saint, and Novice) who struggles more with it than I do. However, apparently it's not just related to stuff others purposfully do or say... 

This quote, in particular, struck a cord with me: 
"...their experience of RSD as an autistic person causes them to be “very observant of patterns, and so when someone’s behavioral pattern is different, I notice it and often feel a sense of guilt about it, like I must have done something for them to feel upset and that’s why their behavior has changed.” This increased hypervigilance, over time, can be traumatic for the autistic person."

And THAT is definitely something I do.

I also find it extremely frustrating and scary to ask what's wrong, and be told that "it's nothing". When they brush me off, I feel gaslit. Like I can't trust my own perception, like I can't trust reality. There's clearly SOMETHING. I can't tell if the problem is that they hate me, or if they have a pain in their neck, or feel tired, or are thinking of a work assignment they need to do... 

I can tell that something is up. But if the problem was completely inconsequential, they wouldn't have had a need to deny it. To hide it from me. Therefore, I conclude, it must be something serious. Something bad. Something relating to me. Something I've done, or not done, or said, or not said. And the more they deny that there's anything wrong, the more desperately afraid I become. Because I can tell that there's SOMETHING. It's emotionally painful and mentally draining.

If they could just tell me what's up, I wouldn't have to become so stressed out and afraid. Tell me you're tired and your mind is wandering. Tell me you feel conflicted, or afraid, or worried. Tell me your arm is asleep, or that you're thinking about that meeting with your boss last week. Just TELL ME, so I don't have to grow so afraid. 

It feels to me like such a simple fix.  Their non-verbal signals are virtually shouting at me that something's up. I don't understand why people struggle with this, why they won't tell me what's wrong. I'm confused. At this too. 

At everything, more or less.

Being read as angry

Both Novice and Saint seem to read me as much more angry / aggressive than I intend. It feels like any mild irritation I express, as well as annoyance, exasperation, even sometimes fear, sorrow or passionate engagement, is often read as anger. 

This is completely baffling to me. I can often feel annoyed, or scared, or worried, or tired, but very, very rarely do I feel angry. Slightly more often after starting testosterone, but still it's extremely rare. My reactions typically lean towards fear, self-hatred or sorrow in 99% of possible situations, and less than 1% towards anger or aggression. To be accused of having a feeling I really don't recognize at all... It feels really confusing, and scary. I'm basically being told that my reality isn't real, that what I think I communicate isn't the message they receive. 

When it was just Saint, I thought it was a consequence of his traumatic childhood, coupled with ADHD and depression. He often perceives things as much more negative than they really are, sees things in black&white. Not just with regards to me, but in general. So if I say I don't like something he's done, he'll very quickly jump to the conclusion that I don't like him. This makes communications really difficult. 

We've tried having me name my emotions more often, so that he isn't left guessing. Since his guesses often lean more serious/angry/dramatic than what I really feel. So I'll tell him: "I'm feeling mildly annoyed at this", or "I'm fed up by this, it bothers me" or "I'm not feeling angry, I'm feeling sad and scared". I think that's helped a bit, but I'm not sure. Hard to go against a life of conditioning...

Anyway, Novice told me last night that they ALSO perceive me as angry/aggressive. That's two people close to me, independently telling me the same thing. I can't brush that off, or blame it on their mental health issues. There's got to be something there, I'm just not seeing it. 

And even if there wasn't... Even if they're both objectively wrong... Does it matter? The effect is still there: They perceive me as angry, aggressive. The two adults I love the most in this world, are telling me that the way I behave is hurtful, damaging, scary. Objective truth doesn't matter, because subjectively to them this feels true. I'm causing them harm. 

I can't have that. I have to fix it. Fix me.

I have no idea how, as I don't even recognize this expressed anger in myself. Saint and I talk fairly loudly with each other, regardless of mood or feelings involved. But if I unwittingly raise my voice around Novice, they're quick to correct me. So I don't think it's a volume issue. 

I don't scream, shout, throw things, slam doors or hit stuff. I'm not like X, who shouted at me, tore down a shelf at my feet, and made a hole in the wall with his fist right next to where I was sitting. I was damaged by those months with him, traumatized. I don't do any of these things, but that doesn't mean I'm not causing them harm. 

I'm left really, really puzzled. 

Could it be a masking issue? I know autistic people often are perceived as angry/upset when they aren't masking. Perhaps I don't mask as well when I'm stressed / sad / tired / annoyed? That could affect my intonation, make my sentences flatter or more clipped, I'm probably smiling less etc. Could that be why I'm perceived as angry? 

If that's the case: Should I be expected to always remain high-masking in front of my loved ones? Am I really causing harm by not masking? This can't possibly be the whole explanation, there's got to be other things there as well. Verbal- or non-verbal things they're perceiving as anger, that I'm not aware of. 

How the FUCK (frustration at myself, not anger at anyone else) do I work on something, when I have no idea what the problem is?!? No tools to recognize it, no way to do damage control?! This feels like another part of social interactions that I wasn't aware even existed. I can't analyze and master something, if I don't know it exists. 

Well, now I know this exists. And I know it's causing harm. I'm causing harm. So I'll just have to figure it out. I don't want to hurt them. Where do I even begin??

Update: Tried googling, but coming up short. All the anger management stuff is focused on explosive rage. I don't do that, and I don't feel that. On the contrary, I don't feel I loose control at all. I even tried a Norwegian page, but encounter the same problem. How can I work on something I can't perceive?
I'm sure there's something out there, but I apparently don't even know what to search for. I feel lost.

Changed from gel to injections

Today I made the swap from testosterone gel (applied daily on the skin), to intramuscular testosterone injections (one injection every 3 months). There were many reasons for it, but first and foremost I didn't want to continue exposing Novice to traces of testosterone when we cuddle.. And I want unrestricted skin-to-skin contact with them. So moving away from gel seemed like a good idea.

I also hope for a faster, more extensive masculizing effect, but that's never guaranteed. 

I got the shot at 11am today, and didn't feel much effect until tonight. Now I mainly feel really, really hungry.. But interestingly, my orgasms also feel more intense. I don't know if that's a fluke, but they feel stronger and more pleasurable now. Almost like they did before I started testosterone.

I wouldn't say I'm much hornier yet, but orgasms like that sure makes me... Motivated. 

Ethical hedonism and the purpose of life

 "If I knew I'd die soon, would I be content with the way I'm living my life?"

That's a translation of the first phrase of the song "Riv i hjertet" by Sondre Justad. The title translates more or less to "Tearing the heart". 

Saint lost his brother today, completely unexpectedly. They're talking of heart failure, but both Saint and I are suspecting other causes. He was younger than me, only 35 years old. A single dad to a kid a couple of years older than my eldest.

Saint is shell-shocked obviously, but I can feel this affecting me too. Not because I was particularly close with my brother-in-law. We'd met a few times, but he wasn't someone I talked to regularly. It's affecting me, not because of who he was but because of the sudden death of a kinsman has an effect in itself. He was younger than me. He had a kid, a job, a life. Friends, family. Regardless of whether he did it on purpose or not, death suddenly feels a lot closer. 

It makes me review my own life. If I knew I'd die soon, would I be content with the way I'm living my life? If I knew I'd die soon, would I be content with my epitaph? To quote Havamal, verse 77-78: 

"Cattle die, and kinsmen die,
And so one dies one's self;
But a noble name will never die,
If good renown one gets.

Cattle die, and kinsmen die,
And so one dies one's self;
One thing now that never dies,
The fame of a dead man's deeds."

Once you're dead, you're dead. I don't believe there's anything afterwards. Even if I had hope for anything else, life here on this earth would end with death. That means there's only the now, here, this is my only chance. Chance for what, exactly? What is the purpose of life? What is the purpose of death? 

To me, those are two very different questions. The purpose of death doesn't matter for me personally. I'll be gone, it's completely irrelevant for me. The only thing I can leave behind, is my legacy, just like Havamal says. That means the people I've affected, the memories I've helped create... So the purpose of death, to me, is to leave behind the best possible legacy... But that's not all. 

Because life has purpose too. I don't believe in any sort of heavenly reward, that puritan idea that suffering and sacrifice in this life would earn me a perfect existence after death. Sacrificing myself for others might help my legacy, after death, but it doesn't do much for my life here and now. It doesn't directly make my life better. 

I'm not a philosopher, and trying to go down a philosophical rabbit hole just left my head spinning. Suffice to say these thoughts aren't well-digested and can't really be logically defended, however my gut feeling is that the purpose of life is pleasure. That means ethical hedonism; Maximizing pleasure, while minimizing pain, for ourselves and others.

I can minimize others' pain by helping raise my kids to be good, well-balanced people. I can minimize my own pain by taking care of myself the best way I can, being true to myself, working on myself to gradually lead a better, healthier life. By not being a burden, sure, but also by allowing myself to be loved. Because love is pleasurable, and feeling love for another (even for one as undeserving as I often feel), means feeling pleasure. By allowing myself to be loved, and to love in return, pleasure is maximized. 

By maximizing pleasure, and minimizing pain, here and now as well as in the long run, I also leave behind a decent legacy. People who love more, enjoy more, are happier and more content than they would have been without me. So the meaning of life might be pleasure, but being true to that meaning will also give purpose, meaning to death. Pleasure as a guiding principle will therefore hit two birds with one stone (poor birds). And that's all one can ask for, I think. 

Hormonal haywire

I've been in a bit of a funk lately. More depressed and anxious than usual, less horny. Then I got the results of a recent blood test, showing a significant reduction in testosterone levels. So that might be at least part of the explanation for why I'm feeling so down. 

I'm using a topical testosterone gel, applied daily, and have for over a year. I have no good explanation for why my levels have suddenly dropped, but anecdotally it could be related to reduced absorption rates in the skin, caused by increased hair growth and thicker, less flexible skin (both a result of testosterone in the first place). Apparently, it isn't uncommon. And I'm sick of my body reacting weirdly to drugs, trying to gauge what my blood levels will be and getting it wrong at least half the time!

For example, I had no significant change in T levels after doubling my dose (when I first started T), but then a wild increase (too high) after another 25% increase. Going back down to the regular dose, I was fine for months, until now all of a sudden I'm super low. Going by the blood-work alone, I might even be getting my period back, and I'm telling you: NO! That's so NOT happening!

Another important factor is that someone I'm regularly having sex with is a trans woman. She shouldn't be exposed to topical testosterone, if she wants to keep her own T levels low, and I risk transferring some to her if I keep using gel. I don't want to worry about how and when I touch her. 

So I've decided to try switching from gel to intramuscular injections. They'll only need to be administered every three months, but I'll need a nurse or doctor to do it. I'm scared of the pain, but I know tons of people who're using this version of testosterone regularly and they all assure me it's bearable. If they can take it, I probably will be able to as well. At least I hope so.

Anecdotally as well, switching from gel to injections might also give an increase in the masculinizing effect. Apparently that's a thing for some people, who've had slow effect of gel even though their blood work showed good T levels. That means more body hair, a more masculine scent and perhaps even more bottom growth, all of which I'll be very happy about if it does happen. Just hope my partners will like it too. 

I want to do good

Novice and I have been together for a bit over 5 months now. It's this phase where my relationships often go to hell, and I'm worried. I'm worried that my worry in itself will make me more on edge, more stressed, and thus it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

I worry because we keep having... I want to say fights, but we aren't fighting. Not at all. We're hurting. Hurting ourselves and each other, through misunderstandings, misconceptions, wrong assumptions and general miscommunication. And we're both too mentally fragile, most of the time, to be able to prevent it. So it keeps happening. 

It's just happened again, in fact. That's why I needed to write. 

They're angry at me, and hurt, and upset, and I can't fix it. I want to, but I can't. It's too late. I messed up, I said stuff I shouldn't have, I had the wrong tone of voice, or the wrong timing, a wrong turn of phrase, or probably all of those at once (and probably other stuff too), and I broke something. Again. Something unfixable. 

That feels... devastating. That there's no way to sort this situation out, no matter how much I want to try. And since I don't really understand what's happening until it's too late, I can't prevent it either. So I keep breaking stuff. Keep hurting them. 

Each time, I feel like I'm learning something. Growing, despite the pain and hurt. I feel WE are growing, too. Growing as a couple. We're not repeating the same stuff again and again, mostly. We solve most misunderstandings (eventually), and then (typically) don't walk into the same trap again. So there's progress. But I worry that I'm not growing quickly enough. because I keep hurting them! 

I can't keep hurting them like this, breaking them like this! I love them so much, the last thing in the world I want to do is hurt them! I want to do good. I want to BE good. But it doesn't feel like I am. It feels like I'm doing more harm than good right now. 

I want to be better. 

I just don't know how.