Sex is easy, in many ways. Sex is just physical, or at least mostly physical. Even intensely scary, gender affirming sex, like I've had with NN and Student, is still just sex. I can enjoy it, can enjoy them, but the walls remain. I don't bare my soul. Don't let myself become vulnerable.
Romance is different, to me. Falling in love wouldn't be possible for me, without also lowering my walls. Showing my true self, and seeing them for who they really are as well. When I love, I don't restrain myself, I don't hold back. I can't. Romantic love, to me, is all or nothing. I can't go into a romantic relationship halfheartedly.
So when romantic relationships don't last, it hurts. Not just because the relationship didn't work out, but because I showed who I really was and had those parts of me rejected. Found lacking. My relationship with Arthur was particularly difficult, because I loved him wholeheartedly, and he didn't reciprocate those feelings. Nothing I did could change that. Even when I'm the one breaking things off, like with Cord, or when it's fairly mutual like with Elle... It still hurts. Even when we're fundamentally incompatible, it still feels like a personal failure. I'm not good enough, or I'm too much, or I don't communicate well enough.
Saint was the first person I had an openly romantic relationship with, after meeting T. After Saint and I got together, the ban on having multiple romantic partners was lifted and I tried dating others as well. I fell in love with Giant, who dumped me to be monogamous with a girl he'd fallen with. I fell for Dane, but we had so many communication issues, it ended after just a couple of months. Then there was Cord, where communications broke down as well. After him I met Elle. Elle and I lasted one day short of 6 months, before we (for all practical purposes) ended it. A mutual decision, and a good one I think. Still, it hurt. All of them hurt.
Besides, learning who I really am... How I really am... Who'd want to be with me anyway? They fall for a first impression, but I can't possibly keep up that mask over time. And once that mask falls, they leave. Or we end in other ways. Only my very first boyfriend when I was 15, my angry ex X, T and Saint have ever been romantically interested in me for more than 6 months. X ended it after 11 traumatic months. I was 18/19-years old then, and 15/16 with that first one. Since 2005, only T and Saint have held out with me for more than half a year. All the others have left sooner.
All the others, that is, until Novice.
Novice and I have been together for 6 months today. I love them so much, and I feel absolutely terrified about loosing them. Which isn't so strange, really, looking back at my the trainwrecks of my previous romantic relationships. I feel convinced that I'm not good enough for them, that I don't deserve love, don't deserve happiness or good things. I feel so terribly afraid of being vulnerable and having that vulnerable core rejected. Again.
That isn't Novice's fault. None of this is Novice' fault.
They struggle with their own demons; Believing they don't have any value, don't deserve anything good, they feel convinced that I'll leave eventually. I just need to realize who they really are, they say, and I'll certainly leave.
That isn't my fault. None of that is my fault. However, I feel it's a sort of consolidation; I'm not the only damaged person, I'm not the only one struggling with feelings of low self-esteem and trauma. They're struggling too. For their sake, I wish they didn't. I don't want anyone to suffer if it can be avoided.. But since I can't change that, I'm glad it's the two of us who've ended up together.
Being together doesn't mean we won't struggle. On the contrary, it means confronting our own brokenness, talking out loud of some of our most painful thoughts and feelings. However, I believe we will become stronger for it. Being together is better than being alone. Like two trees, almost broken by the weather, we can wind ourselves together and keep growing. It just takes time. Trees don't heal fast, but they do eventually heal.
I have dreams for our future. We both do. Plans for what we'll do in a few months, next year, five years from now. I can't know for sure if we'll be together then. We're still in the grip of NRE, in the light psychosis of being in love with each other. I can't make any promises, and neither can they. The only thing I can say for certain is how I feel right now: I love them.
I love them with all my heart, with all my soul. Love being with them, cuddling with them, talking with them, breathing with them. Playing together or doing things individually, I love them. Seeing them smile, seeing them focused, seeing them as a dissociating robot, seeing them annoyed or upset, seeing them tired or sleepy, seeing them content, or curious or engaged; I love them. Not despite of any of it, not as a struggle. Loving them feels easy. Like breathing. Even when we misunderstand each other, argue, hurt each other, I love them. Like veins of gold, love flows through me whenever I think of them.
I'm terrified of losing them. And it's worth it. Love makes it worth it. They make it worth it.
I'm raising my glass and toasting for 6 months together. Let's hope for 100 times that. I believe in us.
