Breaking gender norms was only for Other People - or so I thought

I've always been SUPER fascinated by people who break gender norms. 

For example a lesbian colleague of mine when I worked as a teacher. I think I was around 25 years old. For our Christmas party, I wore a dress. Obviously. But she.. She wore men's pants, a men's shirt and a knitted vest, with a bow-tie. She also dressed very butch in our daily life at work. She looked great, but obviously stood out among the rest of the women on staff. And I was super fascinated. I felt drawn towards her. 

Was it a crush? I don't think so.. Maybe a hint of sexual attraction, but most of all just a deep fascination. She was different. She didn't conform. 

I have another lesbian friend (B), who cut her hair short many years ago. She looked great, and I felt what I now realize is envy. But it just didn't occur to me back then that I COULD cut my hair short. I think I was afraid of how it would look, afraid of what People would think. 

I've always been different.. Different in the way I think, in the way I speak, in the way I act. No matter how much practice I get, I will always stand out and I can't really do anything about it. However, I've always TRIED to conform. Growing up in a rural place, that's what you did. Even though dresses, makeup and other feminine things made me feel super awkward, I still did what I felt I "had to". And when I chose not to wear makeup, for example, I felt I had to defend that choice vehemently. Because I knew I was breaking the "rules". It made me feel bad. I don't like breaking rules.

I felt like lesbians could break those rules, BECAUSE they were lesbians. I felt envy towards them, because I wanted to break the mold of "woman" too and couldn't. Because I was primarily attracted to men. It made me wish I was a lesbian, so I could dress more like a man.

I don't think I really realized that it was POSSIBLE for me to do differently. It wasn't a question of wanting or not wanting.. I thought I was a (mainly) heterosexual woman, and I felt I had to play the hand that I had been dealt. I didn't think it was POSSIBLE for me to break out of that mold.

I've also known a lot of amab people through the years who enjoy feminine stereotypes and feminine clothing (Tight is an excellent example, but there's many more). Some are trans women, some are non-binary or genderfluid, and some just enjoy cross-dressing and/or gender-bending for whatever reason. I felt drawn to them, but at the same time repulsed by them. And I think I've realized what those negative emotions really were: "They already have this masculine appearance, why would they "waste" it by dressing and behaving in a more feminine way?!?" It's pretty obvious to me, in hind sight, where those feelings are coming from. 

I've also felt envious towards trans people. Just like with lesbians, they got to defy gender norms and live how they wanted to live. I wanted that, but didn't think I could. 

In short: People who dare to step outside of the mold, to defy gender norms and do their own thing, are fascinating. I didn't think I could ever join them. I don't know if that's an autistic trait, this need in me to follow the rules.. Or if I'm just really slow when it comes to self discovery and realization.. But at least I'm finally on my way to living as a more authentic version of myself. That makes me happy. 

T-Day

 Wednesday, March 23, 2022. 

That's the day I started testosterone. That's my T-Day. 

"So fast?", you might wonder. "What happened to the clit thing?"

I went to the hospital, and they basically said my clit head is too tiny for them to do any surgery. The risk of making errors, and cutting into the clit itself, is much too big. So if I'm on T for a while, it might grow a bit and make a potential surgery safer. They also found a 1 millimetre hole in the clit hood, and the tissue covering the clit is soft and pliable. No scarring or anything. So that hole MIGHT stretch back out, as the clit grows, making surgery unnecessary. I'll just have to keep massaging the area with steroids, and.. I don't know.. Pray? Or something? 

I've heard that clit growth can be pretty uncomfortable, but if it becomes too unbearable I shall get into contact with the hospital again. They'll be able to do a new assessment, and I won't have to wait in line for another 4 months or whatever. So that's good. They basically gave me green light to start on T. 

So that's what I did. My fabulous gender specialist prescribed it, and I started that same day. I'll have more blood tests and another consultation in a few weeks. 

Too much on my plate

I thought I was getting better. 

However, three one-hour consultations with a rehabilitation program (spread out over two days) proved me wrong. The consultations were to assess whether I should/could participate in the rehabilitation program. One hour each with a coordinator, a nutritionist and one other consultant. 

I started out being super motivated, but each of them asked me to reconsider if this was something I wanted to start (without having compared notes first, I must add). Because with my transition, combined with mental health issues and a partner who isn't well, I really have a lot on my plate already. And after the third consultation of me explaining mostly the same stuff, and their advice going in mostly the same direction, I've come to realize that they're right. I really do have enough going on right now... 

I'm in the process of changing my gender expression. I'll be starting testosterone soon. I've recently changed my name. This is a big deal. There's a limit to how much it's healthy to change all at once. This is already taking quite a toll. 

I've also realized why I've never really felt personally interested in looking slim or fit,. I knew from an intellectual standpoint that I SHOULD feel that way.. But I didn't. Why? I think it's because my body was feminine, and I was trying to distance myself from it. Now that a more masculine appearance feels within reach, I'm feeling more motivated to try to build more muscles and generally look better. (Not that I've actually started working out, mind you. An increase from 0% to 10% motivation is still a significant increase, even if it doesn't mean much real change.)

The dysphoria is slowly growing worse too, as I get more aware of it. I've started to avoid looking at my own face in the mirror. I've started disliking selfies. I feel exhausted much of the time. Especially talking about myself with strangers his very, very taxing.

Suspension and dual wielding

Went to a shibari event again on Sunday. This time, I managed to do a full suspension. I even did a transition, from one position to another. I used a leto hip-harness and a chest harness. I tried doing a boxtie (TK) first, but failed twice at making it as snug and even as I wanted. So I'm obviously rusty, I need more practice. 

Later that evening, I ended up in a snugglepile with Foodie (my non-binary friend) and their play partner. We also did some light playing, and at one point I had them both spacing out in my lap at once. It was very nice, I felt a good sense of accomplishment. I've never "dual wielded" people like that before.

I was supposed to bring a date, but he'd gotten sick. Hopefully, we'll meet up for another event sometime soon. We've spoken online and met at a café once. I liked him, I think I'll enjoy playing with him.