Friday, September 10, 2010

I am true

Woah, a lot of writing in one evening. I could have included this in my previous entry, but I figured it deserved it's own.

Like I've just mentioned, I started reading erotic litterature (mainly short stories) when I was about 12. Or perhaps 11, I'm not sure.

It started out with some magazines that my mom got second-hand from a male friend of hers, called "Vi Men" ("We Men"). It's your typical men's magazine, with articles concerning fishing, hunting, cars, science, explorations and other manly-men kind of activities. Each issue also had a double-page of jokes and cartoons followed by a double-page of writing: My gold mine, the erotic novel. I've flipped through them later and see now that they are predictable, boring, not particulary well-written and generally don't have much quality to them. However, for a 12-yearold they were VERY exhiting.

We got internet when I was 13, I think, and I soon graduated from crappy magazine stories to online stories. I told you all about this earlier.

One the late summer, when I was 13 and a half, I got ahold of a different magazine. A magazine directed towards women, and that only had stories in them. It was called "Novellegiganten" ("The Short Story Giant). I've only ever had the one issue (number 8, 1999), and I can't remember how I got it. It might have been borrowed from a friend or it might have been bought, perhaps when we were going to the cabin or something. In it, there are perhaps four erotic short stories, one amusing story, one or two crime stories and an excerpt from a book. I've read them all, but the only story that stayed with me, and that I kept comming back to, was the one called "Paris i september" ("Paris in september").

Back then, I didn't have any terms for what I liked. I didn't know it was even "supposed" to be "abnormal". I figured I was as normal as anybody else. However, I just found that magazine again, and re-read the story. And lo and behold! It's got an obvious BDSM theme! It's about a woman of power, a director or something, who's in Paris for a short stay. With her is a male personal assistant whom, when they aren't working, is dominating her. He's telling her what to wear, what to do and he's doing some heavy orgasm control.

It's obviously translated from some other language, as some of the phrases sound a bit odd in Norwegian. And I doubt the story could be concidered great litterature in the first place. Regardless, my love for that story when I was in my early teens in the proof that I really HAVE been into BDSM for years. Before I found this story, all I had to go on were some incidents from I was 15-16. I have incidents that prove my exhibitionist side from when I was 13, but until now I had no idea I could trace the BDSM back that far too.

Why is this important to me? I think it's based in my self-doubt. Everyone else seems so much more "into" BDSM than me. It seems more important to them, it drives them and shapes them more than I think it does me. When I see their gadgets, their bruises, hear their stories.. They seem more "hardcore", more dedicated. And I know, I know, it's not a competition. But still, it makes me doubt myself. Do I truly have the right to name myself amongst these people?

So why does this short story help? Because in my experience, the most "dedicated" BDSM people and fetishists can trace their interests back. Either to their childhood (age 4-7, typically, and most common for fetishists) or early teens (age 11-14). Incidents where their interest in this subject has made itself clear, long before they knew what any of it was called.

Whilst I, I found the home page of the BDSM club in Oslo when I was 17. I'd read through some other websites before then, so let's say I started looking at this when I was 16. And like I said, I have a few incidents from when I was 15. But by then, I'd already heard about BDSM. I knew, roughly, what it was and what you could do with it. So it wasn't something that appeared from inside of me, rather it was something I found outside and then started trying out. As oposed to the exhibitionism, which I know appeared from within me and made it's way out.

And so because I had no indication that my interest in BDSM came from inside of me, I was afraid I wasn't "true". Wasn't "for real". You're probably laughing at me, wanting to tell me that every experience in the last few years points to the oposite. But you can't rationalize this, because it isn't logical. However, I see this BDSM short story, and the memories it triggered, as proof. Proof that this WAS indeed something I had in me from early on. Proof that I am "true", that I am as good as those other "hardcore" people.

So laugh all you want at my irrational thoughts. Know at least that this helped. It put my thoughts a bit more to ease.

P.S. It's strange how words come flying of my fingers when I sit down to type. Originally, the title of this entry was "An old friend". I wished to tell you, in few words, that I'd found an old short story again. One I hadn't seen in years. And yet again, I start soul-searching, self-analyzing. This is why I love writing. Because you never know where your thoughts will take you, once you start getting them into order and putting them down in writing. I'm happy for this blog. It's made me realise things about myself that I probably wouldn't have learned otherwise. :)

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