Sunday, January 30, 2011

A one-night-spank

I went to a all-girls party last night, and had the BDSM equivalent of a one-night-stand. I'm naming it a "one-night-spank".

I wasn't really in the mood to go at all, but felt I should go as B was one of the organisers and I do agree that it's a great concept. I wanted to support the concept and the organizers' idea.

Before the party: Dinner with Corvus
I met up with Corvus beforehand and had dinner. He was going to another party. He drove me to my party before going to meet up with a couple of his own friends. Before I exited the car, I petted and teased him a bit. It had a major effect on him, making him really turned on. It was just a few minutes, but it was a lot of fun.

It had a big impact on me as well, as I've REALLY missed playing with him. Sure, it wasn't D/s in the true sense of the word, but I was still the active part and affecting his body and emotions. I was the Top. And even though he wasn't submitting to me mentally, it still felt empowering to me to be alowed to tease him like that. There isn't the intense emotional connection of a sub/Dom scene, but that's just fine. He isn't up to that these days, and probably won't be up for it in quite a while. This lighter tone of Top/bottom feels good too, and I think it's easier to handle for both of us.

The party
Walking away from his car, I felt much more motivated for BDSM than I had in a long time. It's strange how tiny things make such a big difference. At the party, there was a diverse crowd. A few lesbian BDSM couples, arriving together and staying together the entire evening. A few lesbians arriving alone, a few who weren't so easy to put tags on and a couple of transvestites.

One of the trannies was someone I hadn't seen before. Fairly old, I was thinking late 40-ies/early 50-ies, fairly shy and uncertain and obviously quite inexperience and very eager. He/she (I will hereforth use "he" as he's singning e-mails using his male name and lives as a male in his daily life) kept hoveing in the outskirts of conversations, not being quite forward enough to ever quite get through with his own comments. He was just on the edge between eager and desperate, but wasn't being annoying or creepy.

Sometime after midnight, I was seriously concidering going home. I wasn't having such a great time, I was cold and somewhat bored. I decided to change into my regular clothes and see if that would improve my mood. As I got back from changing my clothes, I joined a group of people which included that transvestite. I said something nonsensical to start a conversation with him.. Something like "I suppose this hallway is the place to be?". Before I knew it he'd said straight out that if I was looking for someone to Dominate, he would be willing.

This quite forward suggestion took me somewhat by suprise. On one side, I'd been sensing that he'd wanted someone to play with and was somewhat interested in me. It had become apparent throughout the evening. On the other hand I'm just not used to people comming on to me like that. Right there and then, I REALLY wasn't in the mood and wanted to turn him down. However, I also felt sorry for him. He was obviously very keen on playing and was feeling fairly insecure, so turning him down would probably make him even more insecure. Rejection is difficult to deal with, even in the most ideal circumstances, and I didn't want to hurt him.

So in stead I told him I wasn't sure if I felt like it, but maybe we could talk a bit more and get to know eachother. We walked into the quiet zone, where the music wasn't as loud, and sat down next to one another. After some time sitting and talking, getting to know eachother, I was slowly getting used to the idea of playing with this person. We started light, a bit of pinching and such and then went downstairs to the play areas.

Naughty subs = manipulative wannabe Tops?
Playing with this person was fairly odd as he was SO different from what I'm used to. First of all, he was a "naughty sub" meaning that he rebelled and disobeyed the commands I gave him. When I give an order, it's because I want or need the sub to comply. I need to be obeyed in the sceene to ensure the safety and comfort of both myself and the sub. If the sub keeps disobeying I loose trust in him, eventually making playing with that sub impossible for me.

My problem was, I didn't realise that he was being so naughty on purpose until we'd played for a little while. And even then, when I started to "play along" more or less, he seemed unable to differentiate between what rules he might safely disobey (like "stand still while I'm hitting your ass") and which rules he should obey or I would get seriously annoyed and stop playing (like "I don't like that you keep trying to touch me, please don't do that again").

I'm not sure I like naughty subs at all. Naughty subs seem to disobey as a way to provoke punishment and harsher treatment. To me, this smells heavily of trying to manipulate the Dominant, "topping from the bottom" as some people call it. Expressing your wishes and desires is a good thing, trying to force the Dom to fulfill them is not. As a Dominant, I don't need excuses to punish a sub. If I wish to subject the sub to pain or humiliation, I will do so, without any prompting from the sub. I could just ignore the subs naughtyness, but with a fresh sub that I don't know that doesn't work out so well because I need to establish myself as the boss. Rebelling can't be tollerated. So I have to react to the subs naughtyness, which is exactly what the sub wants. But then I'm dancing to his tune, in stead of him dancing to mine. Who was in controll, again?

Perhaps other Doms think differently, perhaps they enjoy the naughty subs. I'm sure I wouldn't mind a sub being naughty now and again, but with a few clear rules in place:
1. Know which commands must be obeyed and which may safely be disobeyed. Only rebell on the small things, never on bigger issues.
2. Be clear in your signals to the Dom that "I'm being naughty now", so that to make sure you are percieved as a naughty sub within the scene (the roleplay). If you fail to do this, you will be percived as though you are objecting to the command OUTSIDE the scene (the roleplay), meaning there is something seriously wrong and codewords should have been used.
3. Don't do it all the time. This should be an occational thing. Never, EVER try to push the Dom into doing something she/he doesn't wish to do. You are not the boss. You may state your opinions and wishes, you may not nag about them and try to push them down someone's throat.
4. Be satisfied with whatever reaction you get. You may be ignored. You may be verbally corrected. You may end up getting a serious beating or other long-term punishment. You are not the one in control of this. The Dom has the priviledge of not having to be reasonable in her/his reactions. Whatever happens is your fault. Deal with it and don't bitch.
Winnie is the perfect example of someone who complies with these rules. At least to a very large degree. He's the naughtiest sub I know, and yet he's very fun to play with.

People I don't know shouldn't try to touch me!
Another issue I had with this person was his need to touch me. I'm used to using my body as a means of comfort and a way of establishing rank. For example having the submissive lean on me, put his head in my lap etc. I'm using to petting, stroking and comforting the sub. What I'm not used to is the sub taking so much initiative in touching me back. With someone I know, I greatly enjoy being touched and petted myself. However, with someone I'd just met it just feel weird. Creepy, even. I told him to stop several times, as well as physically grabbing his hand and moving it away. And yet he percisted. We talked it over afterwards, and it turned out he was just being naughty. He didn't percieve that command as something to take seriously, but as just another part of the scene (the roleplay). During the scene, this felt very uncomfortable and weird to me. I was on the verge of ending the scene multiple times. The touching wasn't intimate in any way. Just on whatever bodypart was closest to him (arm, leg etc). Still, I didn't like it.

Seen in hindsight, I probably should have used a codeword (yellow/pink) to properly communicate how I felt about that. However at the time I was afraid he'd get a serious sub drop or similar depressive reaction of I stopped or ended the scene in such a abrupt manner. I think I should perhaps learn to become more selfish.

Afterwards
After the party ended, I ended up comming with him to his hotel so we could talk some more. I felt responsible for his wellbeing, seeing as we'd just played, and didn't want to let him go without ensuring that he was ok. I was not the least bit afraid of him. He was completely harmless, way to insecure and delicate to in any way wish to harm me. We talked for another hour and a half, and then I went home.

Today, I recieved an e-mail from him thanking me for a great night and expressing a wish to see me again. I responded, letting him know that I enjoyed myself and would indeed like to get to know him better. However, I was very clear on the subject of further playing: I doubt we'll ever play again. I won't rule it out completely, but I really don't want him to have any illusions that we might somehow become play partners.

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