Wednesday, January 19, 2011

What has happened, part 3: An attempted chronology

Middle of August 2010: Met Corvus for the first time, started playing after the third meeting. Talked a lot beforehand.

November: The rollercoaster ride of emotions that corvus was experiencing after our play sessions were getting steeper and more extreme. Tried my best to help him and be supportive.

December: Corvus showing clear signs of being depressed.

Late December: Two weeks appart because of vacations. He grows increasingly depressed. Is talking about taking his own life.

Early January: Corvus is suicidal. I managed to talk him out of it, keep him close, help him as much as I can. He stays at mine and T's appartement for several days, so as not to be alone.

Week 2 of January: He expects to function in tip-top shape, both at work and privately, despite having just been on the virge of suicide. Is frustrated that he's unable to live up to his own expectations of himself. Does not recoginze that mental problems should be regarded as illnesses, just as if you'd broken a leg or had gotten pneumonia. Refuses to seek professional help. Stopped wearing corsets (which to me was a major warning sign).

Friday January 12: Decides to cut out everything relating to fetish and BDSM. Will not even have anything to do with his own fetishes, not even when alone at home. Ends the BDSM relationship he's had with me.

Satuday January 13: Talks with a friend of his who's taken over my place as "primary supporter". Good he's got someone, at least. Is asked if I can still be a friend to him, because he needs it. I respond that if the need is dire, then he can always come to me. I'm here for him. But UNLESS there is a dire need, I'd prefer if we could keep our distances for a while.

Sunday January 14: Shows Fetlife that he's still alive by posting an entry stating that this hiatus is probably just temporary. Has obviously done a lot of thinking, now saying that the reasons for the hiatus is to find a balance between BDSM/kink and real life. Because BDSM was taking over, so he had no time or energy left for anything else. I find myself agreeing with him, but wish he'd come to this realisation sooner.. Before he'd hurt me as bad as he did.

Monday January 15: Corvus is back in corsets again, or so he says on Fetlife. This gives me great joy to see, as I take it as a sign he's recovering. (Though it could just be a sign that the muscles of his lower back have been weakened by a couple of years continuously in corsets, and that he hasn't got any other choice.. :P )

Current status: He seems to be on his way back to a normal life. At least according to Fetlife. I've had no direct contact with him, nor with any of his friends. So what this means, how well he truly is and what will happen in the future.. I don't know.

Ofcourse I hope he can work through this, find that balance he's searching for and that we then can get back to playing with eachother again. Because I really enjoy it and given a choice I'd love to continue doing it. I'm more than willing to take a break, give him the time he needs, and then try to keep things slow... But I fear that won't happen. I fear we won't play again, because trust has been broken on both sides. Besides, I don't know if we'll ever play again, because I don't know if he'll ever want me back. Or by the time he does want me back, perhaps I've gotten over him? Perhaps I've found some other toy, or simply changed my mind? Only the future will show.

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