Thursday, December 29, 2011


I still play occationally with Corvus, but there's nothing serious. Nothing of any serious duration or depth. He can't take it, he's too fragile mentally these days. Struggling with depressions and I don't know what else. Something physical as well, I think. He keeps having periods of intense dizzyness and nausia, and sometimes he has hallucinations and gets uncertain about what's real and what's not. It scares him, and I get scared for him. I don't want to loose him, I care SO much about him.

Trying to convince him to see a doctor, and finally (this fall) made him tell his doc about the depressions and get some pills. If not for those, I'm not sure he'd still be alive. The phyical troubles are getting worse, though, and he's not doing anything about those yet. And so I worry. I care about him so much and there's no way in hell I'm giving up on him. He's a dear friend, and more than a friend in some ways, and that won't change as long as I have a say in it.

I miss it, though... I have needs, cravings, and they are surfacing. I miss the connection between the dom and the sub. The spark, the feeling of lightning under the fingertips. The sensation that you KNOW this person, know him so well that you can predict every emotion, every reaction.... Almost. And I miss the uncertainty. How far can you push him this time? Will he comply to your wishes or keep struggling against your control? How far is he willing to go into unchartered land? Does he dear to leap and trust? Or is it too soon?

I try to go to BDSM parties of various kinds. At the BDSM club or at people's homes, it doesn't make much difference. There isn't much for me to do there anyhow. All the people there are familiar by now. Either of:
  • the wrong persuation (doms)
  • the wrong gender (women)
  • the wrong age (under 17 or over 45/50-ish)
  • already taken
  • not matching my desires/needs or play styles/modes at all
Or some combination of the above. And sure, I play with women from time to time... But a bit of bondage just doesn't do it for me, it's not ENOUGH. There's no depth, no feeling, no mental connection. Besides, I'm straighter than I'd like to admit. I prefer men for most things.. :/

I've played with a couple of people at these aforementioned parties, usually people who're already taken but whom I've been allowed to borrow, and it's nice enough... But it's just that: Nice. Pleasant. No spark. No connection. No one who REALLY appeals to me. And I fear I'm appearing to desperate. I've even opened up for the positibility of finding another toy through the internet, talking about my wish to find another sub in my Fetlife profile. (Yeah, I know, pretty pathetic of me, but what is a girl to do. It's not like I'm going to start placing personal ads anywhere!)

T isn't very sympathetic. He tells me this is how it is for most people. They have to be social and plesant and sit there looking, and only occationally (very occationally) actually get any action themselves. And yes, he's probably right. But just because he's right doesn't mean that I have to accept it or even like it. Damn it, there's supposed to be a LACK of dominant women! Well, if there is, then where the fuck are all these submissive guys?!? They certainly aren't at the parties I'm frequenting, or I would have grabbed on to them by now.. :/ This is supposed to be a woman's market, and yes I might be spoiled in this manner. But damn it, being spoiled is nice and I like it. I would like it to continue, and it isn't.

And so I sit here... Home alone for the hollidays, with two BDSM parties that I'll be attending in the next three days. And yet, I'm fairly certain I will find no one to play with at either of these parties. Not because I'm picky (trust me, if I ever was picky, this "dry spell" has certainly taken care of that!), but because if there's even ONE submissive man of the appropriate age, he'll be swamped by the domiant women present. Typically, he'll already know one or two of those women and so I'll naturally be last in line. I won't fight for someone I don't even know, I'm not THAT desperate. (I still have manners, believe it or not.)

And so I sit here craving.. Missing having a sub I can really connect with, who can handle being played with. And yeah, it's all in my mind... And yeah, it's common and happens to lots of people. That doesn't make it any less bothersome, though!

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