Sunday, January 22, 2012

Forgotten to log

I forgot to tell this blog that me and T had sex at the 1st of January, on a mini-cruise to Kiel. I don't think I've ever had sex on a boat before.

Also, Corvus has been here a couple of times these last few weeks. He's doing terrible, which isn't really news anymore, as he's mostly always doing pretty badly. The news is that he's finally agreed that seeing someone professional about it (a psycologist or something) is a good idea. Hoping he'll follow through on that, and not just sink into oblivion again.

I told him that even though I love playing with him, he's simply too sick these days. I get very little from doing it, as I never know what kind of mood he'll be in next time or even have any idea when "next time" will be. He's often not answering his phone and just going under ground. Also, it's difficult for me to switch between the dom role and the role of mental health care taker. It's difficult and frustrating to try to keep a BDSM thing going when he's in such a state, and when there's no sense of continuity. This was basically just stating, in clear words, what has been the case for months and months. Sure, he's had ups and downs, but in total he's been going downwards for over a year. (I worry it's my fault, at least partially, but everyone around me keeps telling me it's not.)

Ofcourse I worry about him now. Worry how he's taking this. I still want to be his friend. To cuddle and pet him and support him through what is bound to be a difficult time ahead. I want to be there for him. I want to hold him and hug him and give him advice and generally be everything that I possibly can be. Because I care so much for him, that hasn't changed. I'm just not sure if he's able to see it that way. I worry he's going to get even more depressed now, and this time it WILL be my fault.

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