Wednesday, August 14, 2013

...and now I'm back?

I've been to our local BDSM club a couple of times this spring, but I didn't particularly enjoy it. Usually, it was just for practical reasons, like to hand over something someone had forgotten at my place or some other triviality. Sure, it's nice seeing people again, but none of those people are particularly close to me. Those who are, I meet elsewhere at other times during the week.

I've always said that I go to clubs mainly to play. Meeting people is secondary, at the most. Yet I went to a munch yesterday, and it WAS mainly for meeting people. I had to intention of finding anyone to play with. Honestly, I didn't think I'd have the interest.

The place was packed, and after waching a decent enough suspension show, the mood in the room made me  want to tie someone up. I'd mentioned to a few friends that I wasn't looking, but "if you dump a sub in my lap, I'll take him". I'd been talking to this guy for a few minutes (I'll call him EG for now), in what felt almost like an interview (me getting interviewed). But when I heard he had a "thing" with this other dominant woman I know, I figured he was out of my reach. I mentioned this, laughingly, to a friend as we were all standing together, and he denied being "taken" in such a way. He was nobody's property, he assured me.

So I asked if that ment he was offering himself up to me, and he confirmed that it was. I found him slightly intimidating, as he gave off this west-side, privately schooled, posh, know-it-all vibe. And I knew he was a switch, so I thought he might be more difficult to get to submit than the subs I've played with in the past. All in all, I was far from confident.

I went ahead and did it anyway. I tied him up, touched and scrached and tickled him. Bit and licked his neck and chest. Held him, and mandhandled him and pushed him out of balance. The way I often play with someone new. His responses were wonderful, but I had real trouble letting go. I felt clumsy, out of practice. My ropes got tangled, my knots didn't do what I wanted them to, I felt stupid and embarassed over this sub-par performance. Yet he was graceful, complementing me when we were done and ignoring my complaints that I knew I could do better. He also said he'd like to play with me again. So maybe I wasn't as bad as I felt I was.

We talked for a while, but the club was closing so I offered to drive him home to get a chance to talk some more. Once we got back to his place, he invited me in. And then we talked some more. I was getting very tired and had the most aweful head ache, so he offered to let me sleep over. I accepted, hoping my impression of him as a good guy would hold the entire night.

It did. He didn't attempt anything, even though we shared a 120cm wide bed. He was a gracious host. He was kind. And he's left me wondering. I'd sure like to play with him again, but I have real problems getting a handle on him. Probably it's because I don't feel superior to him, like I have my other subs. On the contrary, he makes me feel inferior. I'm younger (he's 38), and I've got much less experince than him in the real world. And even though I've been a part of the BDSM scene for years, whilst he joined in May, I don't feel as that counts for anything either. He's good at playing up his strong sides, making light of his weak sides, and I'm not.

It doesn't feel like I can manipulate this guy, I don't feel like I have any kind of edge..  So if I can hold on to my ideal of being his equal then I'll be thrilled, and don't wish to see myself as his inferior. My problem right now is that I haven't seen any weaknesses in him. And since I'm SO aware of my own, that means I can't really take him seriously as a human being just yet. So far, I've just seen the facade, the mask that he presents to the world. He's a bit too smooth, a bit too good at everything, for me to buy into him just yet.

So we'll see what happens. We'll probably play another time or two. But if he doesn't open up to me, if he doesn't let me get beneath that mask, then it probably won't get any further. At least that's my thoughts at the moment.

A slight addendum:  It WAS fun to play again. Even being out of practice as I was, even playing with someone new that I didn't have a pre-established rapport with, just getting a taste of what BDSM could be... And it was awesome! An hour after we'd finished, and I still felt high as a kite. I'd truly forgotten how much of a head trip BDSM could be, how breath taking and glorous and all out great it could be. And if this is how it felt like when I felt out of form and insecure... I can't even imagine what it COULD be!

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