Tuesday, November 26, 2013

No pussyfooting!

The party was good enough, though not great. We arrived late, having seen a wrestiling show first. When we got there, there was maybe 15 people present. A miserable small crowd, even for a regular munch, and this was a weekend party. That's just tragic! A few more people trickled inn within the next hour and a half, and we probably passed 25 people at the end of the night, but some left early so we were never that many people present in the main room at once.

Jump was already there when we arrived, and he was sitting with some other people. I'm pleased that he didn't just end up in a corner all my himself, he's so shy that such a scenario is fairly likely. We chatted with the people there, including Jump, for about an hour. Jump only spoke directly to me or my husband, never to the gathering as a whole. So we still have A LOT of work to do there. I despair at him sometimes, I really don't know what to do. Shy people isn't my strong point, I just want to shake them and yell "snap out of it!". Intelectually I know that if I indulged in such an impulse, I'd only make their shyness worse. So I try to be patient, I really do, it's just so... Frustrating!

After an hour, Saint arrived. I made him sit on the floor in front of me, his back towards me, and threw my legs over his shoulders, effectively using him as a sort of foot rest. We socialized for another half an hour, and most of my focus was on Saint. Then I put a collar and leash on him and made him walk on all fours as we moved to the private play room. The room was ours for an hour, but that wasn't enough, so after the hours was up we walked out (him blindfolded and led by a leash) into a public play area to finish off. Half an hour or so later, we were done playing, and another fourtyfive minutes later we were both back to a semi-equilibrium. So in total, we're talking over two hours away from the rest of the party.

Afterwards, I was debriefing Saint out in the mingling area. Jump was sitting next to me, caressing my back and shoulders. He wanted more than that, and I had to push him away occationally, because I was just SO not in the mood for his needy, passive, pseudo-topping. To be clear, he was only stroking and petting me, and just wanted more of that (and soe kissing, probably). But I couldn't take it. I was in a very toppy headspace myself, and couldn't take him trying to pussyfoot his way above me. This sentiment persisted after the party was over, and he came home with me. We slept in the same bed that night, and I was really very tired. But if I'd been in a different mood, we probably would have fooled around a bit anyway. Regardless of how tired I was. As it was, we talked for a bit, then I pushed him away and went to sleep.

I feel terrible about all this. He doesn't know that many people in the scene yet. He's really shy and unconfident (is that even a word?), and not only did I abandon him for a couple of hours, I also didn't want him touching me when I was back. He KNEW that I would be playing with someone else at the party, so I don't feel THAT bad about doing so. But I feel bad for my mood afterwards. And yet I don't know what to do about it.

I started thinking, maybe I can't switch at all? But I know I CAN switch... However, when I'm in such a toppy headspace, I can't make myself switch. I have to be MADE to switch. But Jump and I don't do that. He's a Top, in the sense that he enjoys being the active part, enjoys having me recieve. I'm not a sub to him, not at all, but I can be a bottom. Just not that night.

What would it take, for me to switch down from my toppy pedestal? If he'd grabbed ahold of me when I got back, grabbed me forcefully and with confidence... If he'd told me in no uncertain terms that it was his turn now, and dragged me away, then yes. Maybe. Maybe, maybe, maybe. If I'd believed him at all, and not just laughed at him. If he could whipe that grin off my face, using some physical force and stern dicipline. Then maybe. He'd have one hell of a fight, trying to get me down from my VERY toppy headplace. But it would have been POSSIBLE. But then I'd not just been a bottom, there would have been something more. And we don't do that.

He can't. He just hasn't got the confidence to pull something like that off. I've never seen him angry, and he doesn't drink so I've never seen him drunk... But I don't think there is such a forceful person in him. I don't think he CAN be forcefull with his hands, I don't think he's able to speak to me sternly and be taken seriously. He doesn't even take himself seriously, so how could I? This all sadens me. Because my headspace isn't his fault, he was prepared to have some fun with me. And yet he didn't get any, because of me. It's my fault.

So I'm trying to figure out how to avoid these situations in the future. I think the easiest plan would be to not have Jump and Saint at the same parties. Or if they are, that I only play/fool around with one of them. However, I don't know if that will be enough. I know the endorphine rush of a good play sesssion can linger for days. I'll play with Saint tomorrow. I'll see Jump on Wednesday. How will that work out? Will I be able to handle Jumps passive, uncertain shyness then, or will it just annoy me? I don't know.

I want to make this work, but I'm not sure how.

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