Thursday, June 25, 2015

Rejection, trust and confidence

I've written and deleted this blog entry twice already. This is my third go, and I'm still not sure what I'm writing about. 

The first entry was about rejection, and how I'm so not used to getting rejected anymore. Which is weird, because it used to be a common occurrence. But since I got together with T and got seriously into the BDSM community as a Dom, I don't think it's happened even once. Sure, I've flirted with people which didn't lead anywhere. But that's different. Once someone has had a taste of me and a taste of what I can do, they've always wanted more. I've been the one holding back. 

Arthur is holding back now. Not rejecting me, per say, but postponing. Which feels confusingly like rejection, even though I know intellectually that this isn't what he's trying to do. He just wants to dial things down a notch or two, and progress more slowly. Which is fine, really it is! It's just very, very... Unfamiliar. But I'm working on it.

The second entry was about trust, and how important trust is when you're doing anything sexual or intimate with anyone. I've written about power and responsibility before, here and here. And I tried to write something about how trust needs to be built upon emotional and/or intellectual "connection" and understanding between two parties. Preferably, the subject should be trusting me both intellectually and emotionally. 

I'm working on Arthur, trying to make him trust me, but it's a struggle because he doesn't really seem to trust anyone. Not even himself. I have these instincts about what I think could work, but I worry that I might be wrong. That I might end up making things worse. And as we've seen in those blog entries that I linked to, I can't afford to be insecure and to worry at this point. Because if I don't know what I'm doing, how can he possibly place any faith in me? 

And that worries me as well. Which goes full circle into making me feel like... failure. Which really isn't much of a confidence boost.

I still don't know what I want to say with this blog entry, or what point I wanted to make. Guess I'm confused. And tired. I'll leave it at that, and hope I get my head screwed on right by tomorrow.

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