Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Ramblings on perfect matches

This post was inspired by something Drew wrote in his blog Drew Duality. He talked about how you realise that you can't be everything for someone, and it bothered him for a bit.

I'm not everything that T needs. I'm not everything Saint needs either. I don't think anyone can be everything for someone else. Sure, it might feel like you can, in the beginning of a relationship, when everything is new and the high of being in love glosses over all the differences. But once that high fades, you begin to show who you really are, and you realise: No one is a perfect match. No one is both someone's identical clone, and different enough to stay interesting. No one is actually a mind reader (and even if they were, that would just be creepy).

For a relationship to work, you have to be honest and open in your communications. You need to express your needs, listen and try to accomodate the other person's need, and find working compromises and solutions that work for both. In many monogamous relationships, that means that some needs won't be met. You might try, for a while, but everything doesn't always works out the way you want them to. The result is then either that you suppress your need, that you change and just get over it, or that you end up leaving your partner.

I believe polyamorous relationships have a better solution to this problem. Now, polyamory doesn't work for everyone. And you still have to work on your relationship(s), at least as much as in a monogamous relationship (if not more). But when your current partner can't fulfill your need, and it's important enough for you that you can't just change and get over it, you don't have to remain miserable or break up the relationship. There's a fourth option: Get someone else to fill that need for you.

Now, can two people be someone's all? Can three? Four? I don't think anyone, regardless of the number of people involved, can get all their needs met for all time. I don't think they should! That just doesn't sound healthy to me. Also, people change. If you had, say two partners, that was 100% of what you needed now, in a year they might be 95%. Or 105%. People change, and that's how it should be. The trick is to love them, and keep finding new ways and new reasons for loving them regardless.

Where am I going with this? I have absolutely no idea! Haha! These are just musings and ramblings on the idea of being someone's "everything". Which I conclude is impossible. And that's fine. People are as much as they can be, and we love them for it. Happiness isn't in perfection, I think. Happiness is in the small, the weird, the wibbly wobbly, timey wimey stuff. :)

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