I still have T and Saint. Thankfully.
They really don't deserve to pick up the pieces of me that Giant has left behind. They don't deserve having to hold me while I cry over another man. They don't deserve that I'm sad and moody and untrusting and scared. They deserve better than me. But that's how it is.
I feel sorry for them. Sorry that I can't be a better wife and girlfriend right now. Sorry that they're stuck with such a mess of a woman. I can only hope that they understand, and that they'll be able to handle it. I love them so much, the last thing I want to do is hurt them. Or be a burden on them.
I'm also thinking about Giant. I don't want to be a burden to him either. I still love him, and probably will continue to love him for a long time. His happiness is my priority. If he's right, that he can never be truly happy with me, I wish him all the best. I hope he finds happiness without me, if that's what it takes. I want him to at least have the chance.
So yes, I'm sad. And I'm angry. And I feel betrayed. But over and under and through it all is love. Like a strong, golden thread, weaving its way in between every thought, every emotion.
He once told me, he's willing to do almost everything for those he loves. Apparently, he's not willing to do (or even try) near enough. But that's ok. I know he's trying his best. I accept that he doesn't want to hurt me, despite all that he's done.
But I still love him. And as opposed to him, I'm willing to do a lot for those I love. If that means loving him enough to let him go, then that's what I have to do. No matter how much it hurts me. Because my well-being is not my first priority. His happiness is.
I hope that we're able to save some sort of BDSM dynamic out of all of this. I'm not sure how well I'll be able to handle a "strictly BDSM"-dynamic, but I'm willing to try. I think it would be good for him, because it would give him an area to continue to explore his kinks. An outlet for his desires, without any strings. And good for us. Because it would ensure a working relationship, in stead of awkward glances and weirdness. We would build something worthwhile from the ruins of this relationship. And we've always been good with the physical, sexual bits. It's when we start talking to eachother that we start to fuck things up.
As for having a BDSM-relationship with him.. I'm not 100% certain it would be good for me. But I'm willing to try. (Also, he's gorgeous. If I get a chance to handle that body again, in any way or form, I will. No matter the potential emotional consequences.) A working BDSM-relationship, with limitations on vanilla-style cuddling and kissing, could perhaps work for everyone involved. Maybe.
I can only hope, and be willing to try. Hopefully, he's willing to try as well. Right now, everything is raw. New. Broken. I don't know what will work out or what won't work out. I wish him all the best. In whatever form that takes.
In the end, I still have T and Saint. It's not all that I want, but at least I'm not alone. At least somebody still loves me. Even though they both deserve better than me. At least I can TRY to trust that I'm still good enough for someone. Even though I wasn't enough for Giant.