Sunday, June 26, 2016

Emotional daisy chain

This is written at 2am on Sunday morning. I've worked all day at a convention, and will be working almost all of tomorrow as well. I'm tired and feeling down. That's the caveat.

Saint was supposed to be here at the convention with me, but has had a minor psychological break down. So he's at home, recuperating. I wish I could be there with him, to take care of him, but I can't.

T is here as well, but we're involved with wildly different things this weekend. We almost won't see each other at all. What little we will see of eachother will be convention work. No personal time.

Giant is here, and I was looking forward to spending time with him. We had some quick fun in the shower yesterday, though I knew we wouldn't have the energy for something similar today. I was looking forward to cuddling up with him at the end of a long day, and sleeping close to him.

No. Let me be honest: I was looking forward to cuddling up with SOMEONE. I originally wanted that to be Saint, that was the plan. But with him back home, Giant was a good enough stand-in. You see, I'm tired, mentally and physically. I want cuddles and hugs and support and kisses and kind smiles and warm hands. Whose doesn't matter as much right now. These are my needs. Impersonal.

I read recently about the emotional daisy chain of polyamorous relationships: How emotional labour can move from one to another, settling on whoever is able or willing to carry the burden. So when Beauty's new boyfriend is struggling with accepting her polyamory, Beauty gets stressed out. This is carried over to T, who supports her emotionally. T gets tired and stressed out, and so some of this (not all, as T shields me fairly well) is carried over to me.

Saint is struggling mentally, and this puts a strain on our relationship. He's also struggling with my relationship with Giant, which creates additional strain. I willingly support him. I love him.

Giant also sometimes struggles, though currently not as much as the other two. But with all the lies and trust issues, there's plenty of strain there as well. (Though it's getting better.)

I don't feel I can lean much on T. He's struggling to support Beauty and make his own life (his health and his professional life) work as best he can. He always seems stressed out, tired or worried about something. I love him, and can't be an additional burden. I choose this, based on the needs he seems to have. I'm also willingly creating some distance, as I can't take much more strain now. And I know that if I'd let him lean more on me, he would.

So supporting me has mostly been up to Saint. Recently, Giant has taken on some of that emotional labor as well.
But with Saint out of the picture this weekend, Giant is the only emotional support I truly have. And right now.... When I crave cuddles and crave being held and crave being comforted... He's not available either.

Because he's currently hooking up with another girl.

What else could I do, than to tell him it was ok? I have no claim on him. (Certainly no right to demand his fidelity. Haha. We even discussed this very scenario a few weeks back.) And even though I think of him as a boyfriend of sorts, I have no right no claim his support in this situation. No matter how much I could use the cuddles right now. My emotional needs, this emotional labor, isn't mainly caused by him. It's caused by everyone else around me (some of it even twice removed). So I have absolutely no right to ask him to carry that burden. It's not his job.

And by choosing to give him the "go ahead", the daisy chain of emotional labor stops with me. I'm left to carry it all, alone for now. Because I feel like that's the only thing I CAN do. Because I love these people, and want what's best for THEM.

I choose this. I'm crying now, but this is MY choice. I write to sort through my thoughts, to clear my head. This is not a guilt trip. I don't want anyone to feel bad about this. I chose it.

Addendum, 06.20am
Giant just got back inside and went to bed. I woke up and can't sleep again. But I must sleep, and so I try to write this out of my head to give me peace:

Ofcours I'm afraid of loosing him. Of course I'm insecure and worried. I love him, and I want everything we have to continue on. I'm afraid of change.

But I will NOT let my emotional state, or my desires, stand in the way of his joy. Just like I wrote earlier this morning: I will not hold him back, and demand that he deals with emotional strain not mainly caused by him. It's not his responsibility. I won't let that stand in his way.

If I lose him, then that's what happens. There are never any guarantees in love, or in life, and denying him joy will certainly not ensure that he'll stay mine. Giving him opportunities for joy, might on the other hand help me keep him. Or it might not. Like I said, never any guarantees. But it'll give him joy. And since I love him, I want him to have as much joy as possible.

So I lie here. Worried. Afraid. Not sleeping. Thinking that this might change everything (or it might not). And despite my fear, I feel confident in my choice of telling him to "go for it". It's what's best for him. And in this case, that's all that matters.

Addendum 07.08am.
Still can't sleep. Though that's at least 60% caused by thoughts of the convention work. Which is good, in a weird way. 
Sleep doesn't seem to be happening. I'm getting out of bed.

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