Sunday, June 19, 2016

Unable to properly dominate - the 2016 edition

I wrote earlier this month that I had a really low sex drive. My need to intimacy, sexual stuff and orgasms is... if not back, exactly, then at least stronger now than three weeks ago. I enjoy cuddles and fondles, and I love sucking dick. This hasn't changed. But that's all vanilla.

What I've realised is that this last month, and in truth the last several months, I've been in a D/s funk. I've felt low on the creativity, energy and confidence needed to dominate properly. I had a few weeks reprieve from that when I started playing with Giant, but I realise now that I was mostly working on rote. Yes, I was dominant towards him, but he was so new to everything I didn't need to be creative. I could just follow a previously established mental checklist of things I think new subs should try out. Once that checklist was done, I was back in the same funk. So while we've had some sexual contact these last few weeks, it's mostly been vanilla.

Or.. Well... I fucked his ass on Tuesday (it was his birthday). Not exactly vanilla, I admit. But not dominant either. I was just topping. There's a difference, to me, whether I'm just doing the things physically (topping) or if I'm also trying to control someone's mind (domination).

I assume this is a phase, and that I'll get over it. After all, it's happened before: As very faithful readers might recall, the last time I wrote about feeling like I couldn't dominate anymore was in august 2013. Now I THOUGHT at the time that this came from not having my own sub to play with. That I didn't have that special connection with anyone. Now on the other hand, I have Saint (and to a degree also Giant). However, the feelings are really similar. Here's some of what I wrote back then:

"Like I wasn't the one really in control, like I wasn't dominant enough. Or wasn't good enough at being dominant, is perhaps a better description."
This fits my feelings now to a tee. I go through the motions, and I can do a pretty convincing act, but it still feels like an act. I don't buy into my own dominance.

Last time, it passed around december 2013, when I started playing with Saint. And I thought he was the reason. And sure, he might have been part of it, but a new partner (Giant) did not "fix" me this time. So I don't think who I'm playing with really has that much to say.

So if it's not who I'm with, what else is similar between the summer of 2013 and the spring of 2016? Depression. In the summer of 2013, I'd been on partial sick leave from work since November 2012. From August 2013, I was unemployed, but I was still struggling with depression. I was better, sure, lots better than 6 months earlier, but not well. I didn't really get well until around January 2014.

This round, I've been on partial sick leave since January 2016. I'm not unemployed now, luckily, and I have a job that I enjoy. I also feel better prepared this time around, more aware of what's happening, and so my bout of depression has lasted a bit shorter than in 2012/2013. I've also gotten more help, both in the professional sense and help in the form of support from friends and co-workers. So I haven't been as sick this time around, and I've been able to get back on my feet a lot quicker.

That faster rate of healing had me fooled. I started thinking that I was healthy now. And I guess I'm not. I'm 80% there, but those last 20% are really taking their time. I'm so impatient to be back to 100%. I just want to be well again. For myself, but also for T, and Saint, and Giant. I feel like I'm not good enough for either of them.

There are still both cognitive and emotional issues, that obviously stem from the depression. They're just more sneaky now. I think I act, and think, and feel like normal. I don't lay around on the couch doing nothing for 15 hours every day. I don't end up crying for hours on end, without any apparent trigger or reason for it. But I don't function as normal either. I'm more self-critical. Self-hating. I have troubles concentrating. And my emotions are less predictable.

And so I hurt the people I love. I want to tell them: I'm sick. Please don't blame me, I don't mean to do this to you! I'm sick! But I can't even tell the difference, sometimes, so how should they? There's no visible cues, no sticker on my forehead warning people that I'm still nuts. And so I hurt them. And I hate myself even more. And around, and around, and around we go.

No wonder I don't have the confidence to dominate.

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