Saint and I have continued to explore service, because I want to learn to accept that and play with it. I feel like we've been making some headway, although there is still some ways to go for both of us.
For example, I like tea. Saint has been responsible for making me tea these last few months. At first I had to ask him to do, which I struggled to do. Then he started asking me if I wanted tea, but I still found it hard to accept that he'd want to do that for me. I felt guilty and selfish.
We then agreed that he wouldn't ask if I wanted tea, only ask me which tea I wanted. That made it easier, because it took the decision of whether I should get tea or not out of my hands. Didn't feel very much like D/s, as he was left with all the power and control.. But at least my mind wouldn't drown me in guilt.
Today, we found a better solution. From now on, he will ask: "May I please make you tea?", or something like that. And that works.
Why is "Would you like tea?" so much worse than "May I please make you tea?"? Because language matters. In the first example, he is doing me a favor by making me tea. In the latter example, I'm doing him a favor by letting him make me tea. That removes my guilt, because it doesn't put me further into his debt.
The first time he asked me whether he could please be permitted to make me tea, I was so happy that I almost started crying. That simple question triggered so many feelings inside me. I felt such love for him, such happiness that he would want to serve me, and such joy and awe at the gift of his submission. Such gratefulness.
So yes, my love. Yes, you may be permitted to make me tea.