Saturday, April 18, 2015

The mechanisms of desire: Top / bottom

Since T and I got a more functioning sex life again (we have sex almost every week now), I've started thinking more about the basic mechanisms of sex, desire and the practical who-does-what during a sexual act. 

I've realised that whilst I can easily be a dom, and can in some settings and with some people handle being a sub (though less and less these last few years), I prefer to always be the top. Sure, it's nice to just lay back and have things done to me.... That's a nice fantasy, a pleasant idea, but in reality I don't work like that. I prefer to mainly be the active party (here defined as top, as opposed to the passive, recieving party, here defined as bottom). 

I think the reason for this is that I'm wired to put the others' pleasure and desire ahead of my own. Wether I'm a sub, a dom or just having plain vanilla sex, I get turned on by making the other person (or persons) turned on. This means that if the other person isn't turned on in the first place, but is striving to make me turned on, I have a big problem. I don't respond well, I don't get horney, because the other person isn't, and I am not "permitted" to make them.

When I'm engaged sexually with a bottom, preferably a sub (though that is by no means required), this works out really well. I can be the active party, I can make the other person really horney, and sensing their reactions I get turned on as well. That gets the ball rolling for me. 

However, when I encounter another top, who is wired the way I am, I'm stumped. We both move around one another, feeling eachother out, and not "getting" the other person. I can still get turned on, eventually, but it takes a lot more work and a lot more time. And it very rarely gets as steaming hot as a sexual encounter with a bottom. 

I'm sure there are top/bottom-switches, much like there are sub/dom-switches, who are happy on both sides. But I'm not. I'm a top. And when I try to analyze previous sexual encounters I've had using this framework, it makes a lot of sense. For example, War is a vanilla man who endured my "toppy" behavior in bed, but I always got the sense that he would have prefered to be the more active party. Tight I believe would be happy in either possition, whilst Saint is obviously a bottom.

I believe this also is the main reason why my sexlife with T has gone so much up and down. We are too similar, in the sense that we're both tops. Much like with War, we both want the other person to enjoy him/herself, which is a very nice sentiment but is actually getting in the way of eachothers' desire.

Human sexuality is weird. Interesting, fun and hot, but very weird.

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