I've followed her blog for several months, perhaps close to a year, and would greatly recomend it. She also has a wonderful Tumblr feed with pictures of BDSM relations where the man is on the bottom. She rarely, if ever, posts typical porn pictures of femdom, but in stead focuses on the man and the act of submitting. Which is straight up my alley, too. :)
Inspired by her Tumblr feed, I started my own. First, it was just a way of gathering pictures that I could use to tease my previous sub, Corvus, and from these humble beginnings it got it's name: Heels for the Raven. As that relationship went south, I kept maintaining my tumblr feed. In stead of pictures of heels and corsets, meant for somebody else, I started filling it with stuff that I found interesting. I think this was healthy for me: To focus more on my own desires and needs.
These days, I follow several other Tumblr feeds (Dishevelled Domina's is one of them) and pick my favorites from those to repost. Following Heels for the Raven should give you an idea of what I find sexy, interesting and funny. I post stuff I find inspirational, as well as stuff that simply turn me on. Though I must admit, several times my search for cool pictures to post has been interrupted. I got so turned on by all these pictures, I simply had to go and masturbate.
There are so many beautiful bondage pictures out there, what else is a horney girl to do? :P
Sexyblue
is my next interview. She is 26 years old and from Norway. She is engaged to be
married this year. She had been active in her local scene since she was 18 and
though she started out submitting— these days she mostly dominates.
Here
she is!
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How
would you describe yourself, your sexual tastes, and your power exchange
preference?
I'm
a woman from Norway, currently living in Oslo, and I'm in my mid-twenties. I'm
engaged to a wonderful man, and I'm lucky enough that he's agreed to let me
play with other people within our set limits. Sexually, I can be both active
and passive, though I'm most used to the active role. I'm very much into
physical closeness and touching. I love to smell and taste and feel the other
person, and love to use my mouth and my hands, both in sex and in BDSM play.
I
consider myself a switch, though these last few years I've been in a very
dominant period, so only this side has been expressed. I'm also quite sadistic,
but it all comes back to control and power, so for me sadism is just a tool in
my domination toolbox. I love bondage, especially with ropes, but again it's
something I do as a means to an end, it's not the end itself. I enjoy several
other BDSM-related activities as well, for example CBT, breath control and
chastity play, among others.
You
said you think of yourself as a switch though you are mostly dominant now. How
do the various power exchange dynamics work for you?
There
are very, very few people that are both interested in being dominant towards me
and whom I trust enough to actually give such power. The result is that I'm
practically never in a submissive role. Luckily, as a switch, I have other
options. I feel that both submission and domination feeds into the same need
for BDSM, and that this need can be satisfied with either one or both of those.
When
I'm the dom, I'm not your stereotypical, leather-wrapped ice-queen. Not only
don't I look the part, but I'm unable to channel that bitch-persona. I love
BDSM. I love playing with a submissive, making him squirm and moan and cry out.
It makes me happy, and so I smile and laugh when I play.
BDSM
is never a 24/7 thing for me, never TPE, the way I understand those terms. I
need to be able to talk to the submissive face-to-face, as equals, before and
after play sessions. If I always had to be in "domination mode" when
I was around the sub, I would not feel comfortable. There are also many areas
of a submissive's life that I have no interest in controlling, like his work or
finances. Even had I been living with the submissive, I doubt I would have
wanted to control those areas of his life. To me, BDSM is an exciting,
thrilling addition to everyday life. A break, of sorts, from the everyday
hustle and bustle. I wouldn't want to be without it.
Compare
your early sexual experiences to sex now. What's the most important thing
you've learned?
Wow,
this brings me back... Well, I started having sex just after turning 16. At
this time, I had both theoretical and practical knowledge of how my own body
worked, having masturbated for a few years and read exhaustively on the subject
of sex and sexuality. As such, I had a very good starting point, and I think
that was important. So physically, even though I have more experience and a
larger... what to call it.. a wider span of sexual activities that I enjoy,
physically the difference isn't huge.
The
main difference is how I think about sex and sexual activities, and how this
thinking actually affects what I do. For example, I talk very openly with my
sexual partners about sex and BDSM, both before sessions and afterwards. And I
demand that they are open and honest with me in return. When I was younger, I
didn't dare make demands in that way. I was never ashamed of my desires, not
even as a young teenager, but these days I'm more honest and upfront about
them. I know what I want now, and I'm not afraid to go out and take it.
Tell
me what it is about submission and domination that appeal to you.
Trust.
Power. Desire. In that order, I think, though that changes with my mood.
I
love that tingling, electrical connection between the dom and sub, when they
trust each other and communicate well. When the sub places his life in my
hands, and lets me have my way with him. He knows that I respect his limits and
has learned to trust me. I love pushing the sub to new heights, slowly and
carefully, enabling the sub to handle more than he ever thought he would. I
love how a relationship develops, and he keeps trusting me more and more. That
trust is a beautiful gift, and the responsibility I'm given makes me humble and
thankful.
I
love the rush of power, when I have a sub under my hands. Unable to stop me
(except by safe-words), perhaps unable to move, or speak, or see. His chest
heaving, nervous and excited, not knowing what I'll do next. My hands covering
his mouth and nose, eye-contact, he doesn't know when (or even if!) I'll let
him breathe again. And yet he trusts me, and lets me do these terrible,
wonderful things to him. That's a rush, and he gets a similar rush, and then
our excitement feeds off each other.
And
desire... Who doesn't love that? Sexy, horny, wet, strong desire. That part
speaks for itself, and I don't think it needs any further explanation.
Would
you say your kink is something that you do, or part of who you are?
Both,
I think.
BDSM,
which is what I name my kink, is something I do. It's a term I use to denote
several, very varied activities that I engage in. But I wouldn't have wanted to
engage in those activities, if I hadn't been kinky to begin with. I used to
think that BDSM was just a thing I did, and that I could stop doing it and be
just as content with my life. This can be the case for some people, but I no
longer think that's true for me. I need BDSM in my life, in some way or form,
to be truly content. As such, kink is something that I am.
What
determines if you are submissive or dominant in a relationship?
A
combination of several variables, most important I think are these three:
1.
What kind of interaction we have and how we "click".
2.
What kind of mood I am in and what I need in my life right then.
3.
Whether the other person is mostly interested in being submissive or dominant.
It's
been so long since I had a relationship where I was sexually the submissive,
it's kind of difficult to write a better answer.
Who
is kinkier, you or your partner?
Me.
My
fiancé enjoys various kinky activities, but I believe that to him it's only
something he does and not something he is. He wouldn't feel that same lack as I
would if I didn't have kink in my life. He is not into the dom/sub-dynamic at
all, which is a big thing for me. He is more of a top, and enjoys
top/bottom-dynamics a lot.
How
do you handle being kinkier than your partner?
It
used to be a problem when we first started seeing each other, but as we've been
together for so many years now, we've worked it out. He is a top, I'm a
sub/dom-switch, and so it's obvious that we don't match 100% in our
BDSM-related desires, but that's not the most important bit.
What's
important to us is that we want a relationship where we always strive to be
equals. He's older than me, good at taking the lead and tend to be proven right
whenever we disagree on things. As such, I'm already inclined to let him decide
stuff and let his opinions weigh the heaviest in many cases. This is not a
tendency we want to encourage. Therefore we do not engage in any kind of
power-play with each other, as we think this would also affect our interaction
in daily life. So we do regular, vanilla sex, of course, but not any BDSM/kink
stuff.
However,
we both want BDSM in our lives. Our solution is to only engage in BDSM-related
activities with other people. We are 100% open with each other about what we do
and with whom, and have negotiated an agreement on what kind of activities we
may and may not engage in with others. As our trust in each other has grown
over the past few years, the agreement has been re-negotiated a few times. We
communicate about what we do, what we want and how we feel, and know that we
have the other person's full support in what we do. That's how we handle it,
and for us this works very well.
Do
you think there is a connection between feminism and femdom? If so, how would
you characterize it?
Yes,
I would say that there is a connection. If only because the society norm is for
women to be submissive and subservient and men to be dominant and controlling.
Female doms go against this norm. To some, that might be challenging. Our
society is more and more accepting of the fact that women can be good leaders
and work well in positions of power, and this helps, but we're not quite there
yet. And for men who wants to be submissive, the battle for acceptance in
mainstream society has a very long way to go.
Most
BDSM scenes struggle with a very unbalanced ratio between male subs and female
doms. Why that is, is a whole other discussion, but this apparent lack of
female doms does fuel a market for more prodoms, more male-oriented BDSM porn
and a lot of really frustrated men. And to some of those, femdom might be all
about them and getting their needs fulfilled, because they've so rarely (if
ever) actually experienced what they desired. These very desperate men might
give femdom a bad reputation, because it becomes all about them, and the women
are seen more as service providers than real individuals.
I
know that some radical feminist groups call BDSM anti-feminist, misogynistic,
even woman-hating. They will even make this claim when the woman is the dom.
And of course if women only engage in the kinky activities to please the men,
sure it can be misogynistic and bad for feminism. However, most women who
engage in BDSM or other kinks do this because THEY want to. Not to please a
man. Isn't that what feminism is all about? That women should be able, and
encouraged, to do whatever they want to do?
The
media image of women who prefer to take the lead sexually is rarely positive.
How has that affected you?
This
might be a cultural matter, because it's my impression that this is more true
for the US than for Norway. To be honest, I don't think that it has affected me
negatively in any conscious manner at all. I'm not even sure if I agree with
you.
In
books and movies (both American and European), you have the "femme
fatale": the dangerous beauty, with an agenda of her own and no scruples
about what needs to be done to reach her goal. And yes, these women are
typically adversaries or work for the bad guys, and as such are not portrayed
in a positive light. However, it's very clear that guys LOVE these women.
Guys
get turned on by women like the character played by Sharon Stone in Basic
Instinct, and why? Because she takes the lead and seduces the male lead (and
she's damn sexy while doing it). Same with the strong female character, played
by Sarah Michelle Gellar, in the movie Cruel Intentions. Famous, not only
because two girls kiss, but because a strong, leading, dominating (and even
manipulating) woman is really, really sexy. Sure, it can also be dangerous, as
men gets so easy to manipulate when they're turned on, but that's a risk most
men seem willing to take. At least in the movie world. As such, even though
these forceful female characters also get some negative publicity, society, at
least the one I've grown up in, has embraced the idea of a strong, seducing,
active woman.
And
so to me, these characters are to be admired. And they do get a fair amount of
admiration, especially from the male part of the population. The fact that it's
so obvious that men admire and desire such women, makes it much easier for me
to seduce men as well. Most women, even today, are somewhat timid and
submissive in the way they flirt. They don't seduce, they sit and wait for a
man to come and seduce them. They don't dare to take control and actually go
after the man they want. Once a woman with some confidence and daring comes
along, the men fall like flies. It's really a woman's market out there, we just
need to take advantage of it.
What
about the cultural message about sexually active or dominant women. What is
your view on that?
Like
I said above, most women still act somewhat reserved around men. Our cultural
norm dictates that men should be the active ones, the hunters, those who take
down their prey. And women should be that prey, passive and waiting for a man's
attention. This is reflected in how men and women talk about sex as well. While
men can brag about how many sexual partners they've had, and how great they are
at picking up women, women can not. I say "can not" because that is
the norm, but that doesn't mean we can't go against the norm. We should, and
many people do.
Women
who brag about their sexual experience or even just speak of enjoying sex and
sexual activities are often called whores or accused of being promiscuous. In
rape cases that goes to court, the woman's sexual promiscuity is often under
scrutiny, as if a sexually active woman can't be raped as much as any virgin
could. Prostitutes who experience rape have huge problems with being taken
seriously, both by the police and in the justice system. Though there are
regional variations, in general the US and Norway are struggling with the same
issues in this regard.
Our
culture is changing, and women have much more sexual freedom today than they
did in the 40s. However, I don't think it's changing fast enough. This is
connected to feminism, obviously, but it's not just a feminist struggle.
Everyone should become more aware of how they are thinking about, and talking
about, sexually active women versus sexually active men. There is no reason why
one should be judged and the other praised.
I'm
trying my best not to let this cultural norm of how women "should" be
affect me too much. But of course it does affect me. For example, I don't tell
my parents or other relatives about my kinky sides. I don't tell them that I've
done fetish- and nude photoshoots, even though I'm damn proud of those
pictures. I don't tell them how engaged I am in the BDSM scene in Norway, even
though I'm proud of the work I do there. I don't tell them, because I'm certain
they wouldn't agree that I have something to be proud of. They wouldn't
understand why I do the things I do, and they would condemn me for it, because
they are stuck with that cultural stereotype of what is right and what is
wrong. I'm not willing to take on that battle with them at this point, and so I
choose to withhold a large part of my life from them. It's easier both for them
and me.
So
I can claim to be as liberated as I want, it doesn't change the fact that I'm a
part of this culture too. It has affected me, and still does. All I can do, is
try to be aware, and to fight it where I dare.
You are involved in a kink community online and in person, how is that experience for you?
The
kink community, specifically the BDSM community, here in Norway is fairly
small. But then Norway only has 5 millon inhabitants, so a small scene is to be
expected. I love going to my local BDSM club, or traveling to other towns to
meet up with kinky people there.
I
see a difference between the generations, at least here in Oslo. Those who are
in their late 40s and older tend to be much more ashamed of their kinky sides,
tend to be more focused on discretion and often have a more stereotypical view
of what BDSM (which they will typically call sadomasochism) should and
shouldn't be. Those who are in their 20s and 30s tend to be more open-minded,
more accepting, less stereotypical, and less hung up on definitions and titles.
Of course I'm speaking generally, there are many exceptions and variations on
this theme.
I
mainly participate in the scene to play, talk about play and get inspired for
more play. Though of course the social part is important as well. Recently, I
started to get interested in the political work as well. The Norwegian State
removed BDSM and fetishism from it's list of mental illnesses a couple of years
ago, a goal that several people have worked for decades to achieve. Now that we
are no longer (officially) seen as sick, doors are starting to open up that
have always been closed before.
Online,
I participate in several forums and sites related to kink. I love getting to
know people, and online communities are a great tool in doing just that. A lot
of people new to BDSM are afraid to meet up with other kinksters in real life.
I enjoy helping those people, talking with them online, perhaps meeting up at a
pub or something, and showing them that just because you're kinky doesn't mean
you have to follow all the porn stereotypes. We are regular people of all
kinds, and nothing to be afraid of.
Does
being dominant in a non-sexual setting (work, etc) energize you?
Yes,
it energizes me, but it doesn't turn me on.
I'm
very dominant, perhaps even domineering on occasion, in real life. I prefer to
be either a leader or a coordinator of sorts whenever I need to work in a team,
at least when it's a task I care about getting done. I am quick to speak up if
I have something to say, and often end up doing more than my share of the work
because otherwise it wouldn't have gotten done at all... And someone has to do
it. "Someone" is usually me. :P I often speak in public, and I doubt
I have a shy bone in my body, though I absolutely hate to improvise or act,
strangely enough. If I have to submit to someone I don't agree with or respect,
that really, really bugs me. So does shutting up, when I know the solution.
So
it's not so much, perhaps, that it energizes me. It's more that behaving in any
other way is difficult for me. As such, I can be a real pain in the ass
sometimes. :P
Which of the love languages would you say you prefer?
Words
of affirmation are the most important to me (11/12 points in the test you
linked). Physical touch is a strong second (9/12). The other three are not
important to me at all (3, 3 and 4 points out of 12, with Quality time getting
4). I'm not at all surprised at these results. I would have said the same even
before I took that test. I'm a very oral kind of person. I talk a lot (and write,
as you can see), and I like using my mouth for other things as well. Luckily,
my fiancé is extremely good at communicating, which suits me well. My sub is
not as good at communicating as of yet, but he's getting better.
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Hmm... "Dishevelled Domina"-bloggen är borta. Har du sparat intervjun någon annanstans?
ReplyDeleteI'll post it in a comment here.
DeleteSeems I can't post that long comments. Will have to edit the post in stead.
ReplyDelete