Today, 28th of February 2022, my new first name was officially approved. I'm thrilled.
In not-so-great news: My winter holiday plans with Tight had to be canceled, because I caught covid-19. I'm still not well, and I got a really mild version. Saint is worse off, poor guy, but he also seems to slowly be on the mend.
But what I really wanted to write about was another realization I've made with regards to dysphoria/dysmorphia and BDSM. Remember when I wrote about the things I like? Towards the end, I wrote "That isn't a very extensive list for someone who's been in the BDSM scene for over 18 years. I'm pretty sure there should / could be a lot more on both lists, but I'm simply not in-tune enough with my own emotions or desires to know what else I could write."
Now I think I know what that was about.
I've been almost exclusively a dom/top my entire adult life. And 95% of the time, I've more or less been service topping: I've been trying to figure out what kind of experiences the sub has wanted, and tried to give it to them (within the whims and boundaries of my own desires, obviously). I still get off on the power/control, and I'm definitely a sadist: I get turned on by hurting people (consensually, obviously). I get turned on by making people take more than they thought they'd be able to, get turned on by getting people into the mood/frame of mind that I want. But it's almost always done within the frame of service topping.
When other doms talk/write about doing exactly what THEY want (within the previously agreed boundaries), it seemed... Foreign.. to me. Incredibly selfish. And yet, I was getting really, REALLY tired of service topping. It felt exhausting, as though I was just a kink dispenser.
Thing is, I do feel pleasure, and I am able to do as I please.. As long as it's not personal. Removed from my own body. When I have him under my hands, I'm able to do a lot of things that I enjoy.. It's when it comes to my (physical) pleasure that I just.. Can't.
It's just.. I don't feel like I deserve to feel physical pleasure. That I'm not... Worthy.. Deserving.. Enough.. That my wishes for my body shouldn't come first, ever. And it's not a question of low self esteem.. Well, it's a bit of that too, but not that much. I'm a lot more confident now than 15 years ago, and yet my behavior when I'm on top is much the same. Even when someone is fingering me to an orgasm, I'm more concerned with THEIR well-being than my won. And very often, I won't let the encounter get that intimate. Consciously or sub-consciously, I usually maneuver the play away from my own body.
And yet I crave touch. I just can't demand it. It would feel fake and undeserved.
But I think this pattern of behavior to a large degree is linked to my gender. I've got so much gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia, that I therefore aren't able to TAKE what is being freely offered in a BDSM setting. Aren't able to demand the things I really want and need. In stead, I give and give and give. And when I have no reserves, no more to give, I withdraw.
And I hope.. I fervently wish.. that this instinct to keep everyone at arms' length, to not have any focus on my own physical needs, my own pleasure.. that it will change when I've been on testosterone for a while. Maybe then I'll dare to let the real dom in me out to play.
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