So when NN asked if we could meet up again soon, I declined. Told him I probably won't be able to prioritize such encounters for the next few months at least. He took it well. We might get back in touch sometime in the future.. But for now, we're done.
That same day, I also messaged Arthur. That was A LOT harder. Fucking painful actually. But it needed to be done.
After having sex with War again this summer, I realized that I can't be with someone who sees me solely as a woman. I'm physically able to, by all means, but it's really, really uncomfortable and I don't want to do that to myself.
And as long as Arthur can see me naked occasionally, he will never see me as anything other than a woman. At least not when we're physically together. I can't do that to myself. Regardless of how much I love him. It hurts too much to be seen that way, particularly by a lover.
So I sent him a message about this. He did write a sort of reply, but didn't really reply to any of the stuff I'd written... Which in itself is a reply, I guess... So we're basically over. Unless he magically gets over a shitton of internalized homophobia and transphobia, which I highly doubt.
We've been seeing each other, playing and having sex, at least 1-2 times per year for 8 years. I love him deeply. Care SO much about him. Love the things we've been doing to one another. The last session we had, in June, was glorious. Without a doubt the best time I've had as a sub and bottom in well over 15 years. Giving all that up is painful.
But it had to be done. Just like a snake, I'm shedding my old skin. Leaving it behind as I grow and develop. The shedding is difficult, uncomfortable, but if I'm going to continue growing its absolutely necessary.
I'm not her anymore. I need to crawl away.
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