Traditional gender roles

Elle and I have been together now since August 10th. That's soon two months. And it's strange how relationship dynamics develop. I think we're both in this feeling inferior to the other, as though the other person is out of our league. That we're lucky the other person wants to be with us. 

She's gorgeously fit, strong, long limbed, elegant, clear features, and always looks sun tanned. In short: She's beautiful. Young and beautiful and so, so desirable. (Once she actually gets estrogen and grows tits and more feminine hips, she'll be lethal!)

I'm none of those things. I'm older, fat, pale, weaker, unfit. And yet, she seems to look up to me too. She tells me she's always learning things when she's with me. The fact that I'm older means I know more than she does, about a lot of things. She says she's striving to keep up with me intellectually, and that she really enjoys that challenge. "I think and I know things", to paraphrase a certain dwarf.

I don't feel that those things are worth looking up to, though. I've just studied and learned because that's what I enjoy doing. I'm proud of my intellectual capacities, yes, but I know a lot of people who are a lot smarter than I am. I don't feel like I've done anything to earn her admiration. But the thing is.. I suspect she might say the same things, right back to me; That doing gymnastics, diving, and working out was just things she enjoyed doing. She's proud of what she's been able to do with her body, but there's plenty of people out there more fit than her. I don't think she believes her body or appearance makes her superior to me in any way.

So we both look up to the other. We both feel like we're somewhat out of the other one's league. I think this is a good thing, mostly. It keeps us humble, keeps us grateful, keeps us appreciating the other person. It just can't be taken too far. It can become self-erasing, talking oneself down in favor of the other.. I know I have a tendency to do that. 

And it can turn into an over-focus: If all she is, is a body.. If all I am, is a mind.. We become one-dimensional. On some level, she must enjoy my body and I must enjoy her mind. Because we're complex creatures, and love is all-encompassing. I don't think this is a problem at all, though. Because I absolutely do enjoy talking with her, listening to her, I find her mind a fascinating place. And for some unfathomable reason she claims she finds me handsome. So I think we're good.   

I'm struck by how incredibly traditional this pattern is: The woman is younger and more beautiful. The "man" is older, and gains prestige from his intellect and power, not his appearance. I'm even higher educated and in a (slightly) more prestigious and (slightly) better paying job. We didn't intend for this to happen, I haven't even thought about it in those terms before. I'm not used to thinking of myself as any sort of masculine creature, so seeing myself as a "man" when analyzing a situation is very unfamiliar. 

Yet it's also nice. Comforting. I can slip into those gender roles, at least partially, and revel in them. I get to be the protector, the big spoon, the doer, the one in control, without this going against society's norms. I was all of those things before, too, but with a femdom dynamic you're going counter culture. Running with the wind feel so much easier than running against it.