You will be warm again

The title is a quote from "Rythm of War" by Brandon Sanderson, and it's spoken to a character who struggles with trauma and reoccurring depressive episodes. It speaks of hope. Yes, things might be bleak, but it gets better. 

This winter has been hard for me, on many levels. I've been pretty much exhausted since my top surgery in mid September. December was also really stressful, and since then it feels like I haven't been able to get my head above water. Sickness, mental fatigue, drama online, another hater I had to report to the police (marking the 7th such hater in under a year), sick kids, uncertainty with regards to work and my own future, financial worries etc. 

In addition, Novice gradually withdrew from me more and more, and since New Years' we almost didn't touch each other. She wouldn't let me touch her, not even in completely non-sexual ways. I didn't understand why, I don't think she did completely either. The lack of physical touch became a real problem for me. I just wanted to hold her and be held. I missed it so much. Missed her. We almost weren't talking either, not like we used to. It scared me. 

Now, suddenly, it's better. We're cuddling again, and talking. Having proper, long conversations, without fighting or her completely dissociating. It feels amazing. I feel like I've gotten my girlfriend back. She's been a rolled up armadillo, looking and behaving like a scared rock, for so long... Seeing her unfurl herself, look at me, smile... Hearing her say she wants to be with me, loves me, enjoys our time together, believes in a future together...

It's a balm on my scared, battered and very overwhelmed mind. It made me incredibly happy.

The scary part is that I have no idea what caused that withdrawing in the first place, and I have no idea why she's suddenly coming back more now. So I won't be able to stop it happening again, nor fix it if it does.

It's March now, the first month of spring. Outside, the snow is thawing and the sun is shining. This winter has been long, and hard, and cold. But I have hope. We will figure this out. I will be warm again. We will be warm again.