Today, Novice and I had a... Fight? Misunderstanding? Falling out? I don't even know what to call these things. They happen sometimes. I say or do something that makes her really uncomfortable, and then she dissociates. Sometimes she's partially gone for a few minutes, sometimes she'll be completely gone for a full day or more. (I've even made up a system to classify how "gone" she is*. That's how frequent these things are.)
While completely gone, she is able to take care of her own basic needs and do something "mindless" like play a computer game or scroll on Reddit, and that's about it. She can't help it, and I feel absolutely terrible for doing that to her. It's never on purpose, but my intent doesn't really matter when the effect is so devastating.
The falling out today was particularly unexpected and felt more volatile than usual. She quit in the middle of a board game we were playing, packed it all up in a huff, and then was "gone". I had to leave her apartment a couple of hours later, and tried talking to her several times before that, but she wasn't present enough to really answer me. I don't understand what caused this, I don't understand why she reacted so strongly or firmly, and I don't understand what I did. But I know I did something, because she doesn't fall out like this when I'm not around.
I try not to let that guilt eat me up, because I know that me feeling bad will only make her feel worse. I don't want to make her feel even worse, I've made her feel bad enough already. On the other hand, I feel incredibly rejected and convinced she hates me. My mind tells me that she doesn't want me anymore, that I'm bad for her, that she can't possibly love me now. I need desperately for her to tell me that she loves me, that we as a couple are ok even when she's not.
I ask her if she loves me, if she wants me to leave, and all she can do is shrug. Which to me feels even worse; The adult I love most in this world can't even confirm that she wants me to stay when I ask! I'll tell her, a shrug isn't consent. I can't stay with her, or hug her, or whatever it is we're doing at the time, if she doesn't actively consent to it. And of course that is true. "Unconscious people don't want tea." However, it's also incredibly unfair of me. Because she isn't actually unconscious, and that's not actually how consent in a relationship works.
Because she DID consent. She did consent to me being there, or sitting with me, or whatever it was we're doing. That consent is still on-going, even when she dissociates. An established couple can and do have on-going consent to interact and exist in the same space. The potential consequences of treating that consent as on-going, and then possibly being wrong, are miniscule (at least in the short run). As opposed to for example her dissociating completely during a kink scene, in which case I'd have to stop or potentially be guilty of assault. Just like if she'd fallen unconscious. Consent to do rope, or spanking, or sex, is NOT of the on-going kind, because the consequences of potentially overstepping are massive.
And she IS able to take care of her own basic needs. If I do something she really doesn't like, like accidentally squishing her boob or tickling her, she will stop me. Regardless of how far gone she is. She isn't actually unconscious, even when she's close to catatonic. She certainly won't make a big decision, like dumping me, on a whim while she's not even fully present. It's hard for me to trust that fact, because a part of me keeps expecting to be abandoned at any moment... But I'm pretty sure it's true; Novice thinks things through before making a decision, and when she's dissociating she almost isn't able to make decisions at all.
I ask her to confirm that she wants me with her, but what I'm really asking her to do is to make a decision which will make me feel less insecure. And when she isn't able to do that, it makes me more insecure. I treat it as if she actually made a conscious choice to reject me, when she absolutely didn't. She can't help dissociating. She can't help being nonverbal. She can't help me, because she isn't present.
She hasn't rejected me, personally, she's rejected everything. The world, her feelings, everything. I'm just being swept up in the vortex. She can't help it. She can't be blamed for any of this. It isn't a choice. And I need to fucking get a grip, and be accountable for my own emotions and reactions. Not look to her to try and fix them.
*The system for how "gone" Novice is, goes from 1-10 and I've tentatively defined the levels like this:
- Perfectly fine, but will tap out if she gets close to overwhelmed. Meta-aware.
- Touch-and-go whether she's present or not, will fall in and out seemingly at random. Usually short duration. Is mostly verbal, can have some short meta-discussions about her mood. Can usually verbalize that she loves me, but is more comfortable being tactile than verbal.
- Uses mostly monosyllabic words or our tactile language. Can be contact seeking or need space, seemingly at random. Can "fall out" for somewhat longer duration, but surfaces again in less than an hour.
- Doesn't speak much. No facial expressions. Needs more space.
- Is able to respond to "I love you" using our own tactile signals (3-5 short taps with a single finger indicates "I love you (too)"). Shrugs to answer most other things.
- Shrugs to almost everything, nonverbal for longer stretches of time. Will not answer that she loves me in any way. Is able to participate in a conversation of sorts, as long as it's a completely "safe" topic and has short duration.
- Can move around if she must, for example go sit at her desk to play Heartstone or watch Youtube. No facial expressions, no words. Will participate in a conversation of sorts, as long as it's mostly tactile or through shrugs and grunts.
- Can scroll on her phone. Glassy stare. Doesn't move much. Typically lying down. Shallow breathing. No words.
- No movement or facial expressions, glassy stare or closed eyes, no sounds other than the occasional monosyllabic grunt. No phone. Will still pull away if she doesn't want something.
- Completely catatonic. No movement, facial expressions or sounds.
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