Another thing I thought I didn't have was gender dysphoria.. But then I realized (aka, was told by Foodie, because I was completely unable to name the emotion myself) that I HAVE experienced gender euphoria. And euphoria is just the bright light of dysphoria. If I didn't feel dysphoria, I most likely wouldn't experience euphoria either.
The more I read about dysphoria, the more I find it in myself too. So I'm stealing the classification of dysphoria from the The Gender Dysphoria Bible and will go through them one by one:
For example: My boobs have ALWAYS bothered me. I've claimed that I don't like them because they're too small... That I'd like them more if they were bigger, because then I'd conform better to the beauty standards for women.. But the only time I sort-of liked the look of them was when they were full of breast milk. And I don't actually WANT bigger boobs, it's bloody impractical and heavy and in-the-way. In fact, I often think they're in the way now.
I just want to fit in better with how I /society think I should look. I like them better now than before, because Arthur loves them.. But other than that.. I don't really want them. I've considered before how I'd feel if I got breast cancer and had to remove them.. I'd miss my nipples, sure.. But not my boobs. At least that's how I feel now. Could this be physical gender dysphoria?
Also: Fat. I dislike being fat, at least part of the time. But is it the fat itself, or the fat distribution on my body that I hate? I think it's more the later than the former. Because a couple of days ago, I got my first binder and suddenly I had a much more masculine profile.. And as by magic, my belly and my double chin didn't bother me anymore! My hips still bothered me.. A lot. But my belly and face was just fine. So that's obviously also a gendered sort of self-hate. That's dysphoria.
As for social dysphoria: Plenty of it. Worrying how others see me. Feeling completely alianated by very stereotypically feminine women, feeling SO MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE around people who aren't conforming to societal beauty&gender standards.. Feeling like I'm wearing a costume when wearing some women's clothing, but probably wouldn't feel completely comfortable in only masculine clothing either... Yeah, definitely there.
And social gender euphoria as well... Like previously mentioned: Being referred to as "they", or looking suitable androgynous when I wear men's shirts. Just earlier tonight someone in a Discord chat told me that "If I didn't know you and saw that picture I'd have no idea whether you are a man or woman." I have no idea if she was only being kind or if it was genuine, but that doesn't really matter. What matters is the INTENSE joy I felt. I think that's the best compliment I've received in years!!
Also, regarding societal pressure to conform to certain gender roles: I never dated or flirted the way women are "supposed" to. I'm aggressive, direct and very physical in my flirting. I prefer to play with someone first, maybe even have sex, then figure out emotions and compatibility as we go along. That definitely not stereotypically feminine.
Presentational dysphoria.. Well, I that's probably what I've talked about the most here so far: Wondering if I want to fuck them or be them.. Feeling envious of other people's appearance. The annoyance when men's clothing don't fit well on my body. So yes, I definitely have that.
The only kind of dysphoria / euphoria I so far don't see as a problem at all is the sexual kind. And that's not because it's not there, but because it's been given another shape: Kink. As a kinkster, I can be dominant, forceful, active. I can wear a strap-on or a glove and be the penetrator in stead of the penetratee. And I can switch and adore the other side as well. There's no dysphoria here, because I'm kinky and I love it. It's all just.. Fun.
That website also mentions existential dysphoria, but I'm too tired to go digging into that right now. So that will have to be a different night.
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